PRIMARCHS
by Lastie
Summary: In the grim darkness of the far future there is only fourth-wall breaking parody featuring the Primarchs; genetically engineered egos with guns, mega-death psychic powers, and an impressive ability to screw up everything with a snarky attitude.
1. Chapter I

_Cut to the interior of a warm pub on a backwater Daemonworld, where the average technology level is comparable to 12th century Europe, where soap is non existant and everyone still thinks the horse and cart is an awesome invention. Here we zoom in upon a table in corner, where several huge individuals dwarf the room and furniture as they chug back entire ale kegs and laugh with voices that shake the room._

Angron: "... and then I said to the Inquisitor 'Smite THIS!' and I cut his head off!" bangs on table, causing small earthquake in a nearby country that kills thousands

Fulgrim: "Just like the fifty thousand beforehand. Your capacity for imaginative decapitations must hold no bounds".

Angron: "... er ... why thank you".

Mortarion: "He's being sarcastic you simple-minded fool. You've wasted the last five decades with your endless talks on conquest".

Fulgrim: "Inelegant conquest, full of mindless slaughter - has no style at all".

Angron: "Well at least I'm doing something. What have you guys done for the last ten thousand years while Ezzie makes us all look bad with his Black Crusades?"

Perturabo: "Speaking of which, the last one sucked".

Magnus: "What did thou expect? It was the twelth sequel".

Lorgor: "They do tend to go downhill from Part 3 onwards ..."

Angron: "Like your books, what volume are we up to now?"

Lorgor: "Book 675,893,920,910".

Mortarion: "And the plot's still awful ..."

Lorgor: "They're religious teachings you pestilent philistine! As if you could compare those endless depressing poetry you write on your Planet of Smelly Emo's".

Mortarion: "No one understands me ..."

Magnus: "Looks like Konrad's postion as Fangirl Angst Fodder has been filled ..."

Fulgrim: "Has anyone may or may not have heard from Alpharious lately?"

Magnus: "He may or may not have sent me a warp-mail of update, I really can't say".

Angron: "He's as annoying as our loyalist brothers. Where the hell are most of them?"

Fulgrim: "I find it hard to believe the Imperium could misplace a Primarch ..."

Lorgar: "Well at least they're not doing anything to make us look bad".

Angron: "No, a first company captain's doing that fine by himself ..."

reflective silence

Mortarion: "We suck ..."

Fulgrim: "Thankyou Mr. Razor Blades to the Wrist. Magnus, want to say something to liven things up? Your patron God **is** the warp-spawned entity of Hope".

Magnus: "Well, with Apocalypse being released maybe we might get some attention, despite the latest Chaos Codex being devoted almost entirely to upstart newbies who wouldn't know their Daemonhost from their Chaos Spawn".

reflective silence

Angron: "Fat chance ... anyway, Lorgar it's your round". 


	2. Chapter II

Lorgar: placing six giant kegs of vaguely alcoholic liquids upon the table, which begins to groan under their combined weight "There we are gentlemen! Gore Ale for Angron ..."

Angron: "Ooh .. chunky bits!"

Lorgar: "Romulan Ale for Fulgrim ..."

Fulgrim: "So blue and pretty ... it brings out my eyes!"

Lorgar: "Butterbeer for Magnus ..."

Magnus: "With complimentary Hogwarts student! How adorable!" pops the kid in his mouth and begins chewing "Hmm ... magical angst goodness".

Lorgar: "Liquid T-1000 for Perturabo ..."

Perturabo: "Excellent, it can terminate the ulcer in my stomach ..."

Lorgar: "And Budweiser for Mortarion ..."

Mortarion: "Hmm ... so fil-"

Lorgar: "Careful, we're not immune to the Chaos God of Lawyers and his Greater Daemons of Sue".

Mortarion: "..."

Fulgrim: "And what did you get Logy boy?" [Author's Note: If you could try and imagine Fulgrim speaking and acting like the parody of Maximilian Pegasus from _Yu-Gi-Oh!: The Abridged Series_, you might get where I'm going with this]

Lorgar: "The blood of innocents, of course".

Angron: "And served with complimentary little Hawaiian umbrella".

Lorgar: "Erm ... it reminds me of my holiday ..."

Perturabo: "That explains the chains of flowers hanging around your neck - goes nicely with the bleeding skulls, by the way. How was it?"

Lorgar: "I'm still on it. An author needs to escape the trials of modern life to seek his muse, and my audience demands that I be in top form for my latest publication!"

Magnus: "What is it?"

Lorgar: "_Chaos For Dummies_, part of my contract with John Wiley & Sons, to spread true understanding of Chaos to the masses to counter the lies and propaganda of Ecclesiarch Merrett".

Angron: "Stuff Merrett, I want a piece of Blanche - his portrait made me look fat!"

Fulgrim: "But you are fat Angron dear ..."

Angron: "Size 56!"

Fulgrim: "Which is the new 89, everyone knows that".

before Angron could reply, the door bursts open to reveal the portrait of two immense figures, radiating sheer awesomeness out of every dent and hole in their ancient armour

Corax: "We've found them!"

Leman Russ: "MAGNUSS!"

Magnus: "RUSS!"

Angron: "RUSS!"

Russ: "ANGRON!"

Lorgar: "Mortarion, Perturabo, Fulgrim, Corax, Russ, Magnus, Angron, myself. Now we're introduced ... again ..."

Russ: holding giant spear high above his head "TRUTH OF THE EMPEROR PURGE THE CORRU ... wait ... is this a pub?"

Fulgrim: "Yes Russy boy, want to join?"

Russ instantaneously appears next to everyone by the table with an immense keg of ale that dwarfs himself

Russ: "Why not. Been bloody ages since I got meself a drink. Canna feel me toes anymore, been fighin since I got ere and frankly cou do wit a drink! Buge up Magnus ya big lump and make way for Corax". [Author's Note: I'm so bad at writing a Scottish accent. FPRIVATE "TYPE=PICT;ALT=")

Corax: "We really shouldn't ... oh maybe a little one".

Lorgar: "What about your self-imposed alcohol ban?"

Corax: winking "Nevermore".

Magnus: "If anyone's interested, that sound you're now hearing is Edgar Allan Poe spinning in his grave".

Russ: unleashing a massive belch "Who cares? MORE BEER!"

Lorgar: "Fulgrim's round ..."

Fulgrim: "Sorry, daddy cancelled my credit card after Istvaan".

?: "My round brothers!"

collective gasp

All: "Alpharious?"

Mortarion: "Yes! I SOOO won that bet!" 


	3. Chapter III

_Some time later ..._

Lorgar: "Well, it seems we've all managed by the wonder of narrative coincidence to end up together in the same pub on the same Daemon world, despite a fair number of us still declaring our loyalty to dear old Dad".

Russ: arm around his considerably larger brother Magnus, both quite drunk "AN' T'Y CALL'D IT ... PUPPEE LUVEE!"

Perturabo: two of his hands over his ears, the others occupying themselves with making a cocktail "If anyone wants to remind them of Preferred Enemy, by all means ..."

Rogal Dorn: "Russ, Magnus, stop singing. If your Legions could see you now ..."

Russ: "snif Legions ... talk aba't Legions laddy. Tha' tw't Guillim'n reduc'd mine to a piddly _Chapter_!"

Dorn: "I want it down on record I said it was a stupid idea".

Lorgar: "As stupid as agreeing to a house of cards challenge with Perturabo when you only have one hand?"

Dorn: "Like hell I'm going to let him build a better house than me!"

Perturabo: "Look at this - gun turrets and a in-built Earthshaker cannon! Beat that Dor-knob" leans down to stare at Dorn's effort "Is it a cottage?"

Dorn: "It's an impregnable fortress!"

Perturabo: "So that Nurgling is ... what? Not using that card there as a revolving door to walk in and out in a mocking gesture?"

Dorn: "Damn it! Mortarion - control your pets!"

Mortarion: "How about this?  
_Oh my pain, it never ends,  
Burning within my tortured breast,  
Despair without end, without respite,  
eating within like a ravenous beast,  
Oh how I wish to die, to leave this world,  
to disappear without a trace ..._"

Corax: crying "So beautiful, it speaks of your heart ... how I feel it!"

Lorgar: on MSN Instant Scrying "Ezekyle, could we borrow Drach'nyen for a moment? No?" turns to Fulgrim "Where did you put Anathame?"

Fulgrim: "Screw swords, between Russ and Magnus' duo and Mortarion's poetry I believe the time is finally upon us ..."

Lorgar: "Indeed" turning back to the open chat-rune "when's the next Crusade?"

=================================

**ADVERTISMENT: **Catch Russ and Magnus' debut album _Dark Side of the Rune_, released in stores this month. Featuring their top ten singles "Puppy Love (I'm Just A Space Wolf)", "It's A Kind of Magic (Sorry About Your Webway Dad)", "Hey Jude (You Look Corrupted)", and the no. 1 "Wannabe (Your Primarch)".

================================= 


	4. Chapter IV

_Sometime later, between the Cadian Gate and the Daemonworld of Karagraxis Parodio, the great vessel _Vengeful Spirit III _(questions about the first two are frowned upon by the Establishment) hangs in deep space as the armada grows ..._

**Ezekyle Abaddon, Warmaster of Chaos, The Despoiler, Destroyer of Worlds, Cosmopoliton's No. 2 Most Eligible Bachelor 999.M41: **"See? Do you witness the power I command?"

**Angron: **"Impressive, indeed."

**Lorgor: **"I stand in awe ... truly none of us can match your abilities".

**Magnus:** "Did I not say to deny him Australia from the beginning?"

**Mortarion: **"_Risk _is stupid ... this game is just stupid ... Terra doesn't even look like that anymore. Where's the Imperial Palace?"

**Magnus: **"Europe".

**Mortarion: **"What ... _all of it_?"

**Lorgor:** "Someone help me ignore him, his stupidity has reduced my IQ to triple figures and its still falling ..."

**Angron:** "Pity we had to leave Corax and Leman behind".

**Lorgar:** shrug "They got free tickets in the post to Khan's gig in Commorragh - part of his Webway tour through all the major Dark Eldar cities".

**Angron:** "Who would have thought - our brother, Arena superstar".

**Perturabo: **"Feeling jealous?"

**Angron: **"Non-stop X-rated violence of the bone-snapping, flesh tearing, tendon-ripping, animalistic kind?"

**Perturabo: **"And that's just the after-game sex with the Wyches, I hear the actual concert content is even more hardcore".

**Magnus:** pulling out the brochure (in Eldar) and reading "X-treme painting ... hardcore philosophy ... and stand-up comedy banned in 15 galaxies and a demi-plane".

**Perturabo:** "Not what I expected from the Kabalite Eldar ... where's the spikes in philosophy?"

**Lorgar: **"When you make a good point?"

silence. A bird whistles

**Abaddon:** "Who summoned a Lord of Change?"

**Mangus: **"Ahriman's had it hidden in his pocket since turn one".

**Ahriman:** "It was supposed to give me tactical advice! Damn thing lied!"

**Lord of Change: **poking a small beaked head from within Ahriman's pouch "Sorry ... thought you were playing Monopoly".

**Ahriman:** "That explains why I can't find Park Lane ..."

footsteps echo throughout the chamber, heralding the approach of a large group of individuals

**Abaddon: **"Finally, the Mournival approaches!"

**Perturabo: **"I thought that was disbanded when everyone but you died?"

**Abaddon: **"I had their souls torn from the Warp and forcibly implanted in animated suits of armour. Kudos to Ahriman for the help, BTW".

**Ahriman: **"I'm getting good at it ..."

**Magnus: **"Hmm ..."

**Ahriman:** "Look I apologised, OK?"

**Magnus: **"Don't worry ... apology accepted. It was a kind gesture to give me J K Rowling's soul".

**Ahriman:** "Heard you were a _Harry Potter_ fan, so I thought ..."

**Abaddon: **"We don't care. Ahriman, your presence is needed in the Mournival"

**Lorgor: **"What about us?"

**Abaddon: **"We will be discussing minor issues not worthy of the ears of such great individuals. You can stay here and continue to sample the fine service of our ship's bar."

Abaddon and Ahriman leave

**Perturabo: **"Did we just get blown off?"

**Lorgor: **"Looks like it. Shall we demand to be present in the meeting by killing them all and offering their souls to the Gods?"

Fulgrim appears with drinks

**Fulgrim: **"New round boys!"

everyone looks at the drinks

**Perturabo: **"Maybe after this round ..."

**Lorgor: **"Maybe Mortarion's right ... we do suck ... we can't even stand up to a first company captain!"

**Mortarion: **"_Warmaster_ now Lorgor".

a great bright light blinds all, and a thunderous voice echoes throughout the bar causing all glasses to shatter, and all packets of crisps to be dropped in a shower of delicious food to the hungry Nurglings that cluster around the floor

**?**: "THERE WAS ONLY ONE WARMASTER! EZEKYLE ABADDON IS NOT HE!"

a shining figure appears, wings outstretched, his armour gleaming, and a large red cloak billows behind in an over-the-top manner

**Lorgor:** "Oh damn, it's you ..."

**Sanguinius:** "Indeed. Such a sorry state to see my brothers, back-stabbing lot you are, reduced to such a pitiful display. What would Horus say if he could see you now?"

**Fulgrim:** "'Next round's on me'?"

**Sanguinius: **"WRONG! HE WOULD DEMAND YOU TO STAND UP AND DECLARE YOUR NAME! FOR YOU ARE SONS OF THE EMPEROR - PRIMARCHS! GODS AMONGST MEN". reaches behind and retrives **the other Talon**, mysteriously absent from background fiction and the recent HH artwork "HORUS IS DEAD, AND IS NOT HERE! BUT IN HIS TALON - HE LIVES ON! ITS CLAWS POINT TOWARDS HEAVEN!" pulls down spiky red sunglasses "WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM?" [Author's note: this might be lost on a lot of people, but the homage was too amusing not to include]

**Mortarion: **"YES! FIGHT THE POWER!"

**Angron: **"ARMAGEDDON! ROUND TWO!"

**Magnus: **"FENRIS WILL BURN!"

**Lorgor: **"I CAN GET PUBLISHED OUTSIDE THE EYE DEMOGRAPHIC!"

**Fulgrim: **"TO BE FREE OF THIS DAEMON!"

**Perturabo: **"What Daemon?"

**Fulgrim: **"Apparently I've had one all along, and it's been possessing me".

**Perturabo: **"Since when?"

**Fulgrim: **"The new HH stuff. Yeah, caught me by surprise too".

**Perturabo: **"Oh, anyway ... TO DESTROY TERRA!"

door opens

**Abaddon: **"Guys, could you quiet it down a little? We're in a meeting next door".

**All: **"OK ..."

**Abaddon: **"Cheers".

door closes

**Sanguinius: **"You guys suck ..."

**Lorgar: **"Shut it pretty boy ..."

==============================================

**ADVERTISMENT: **Khan's Webway Tour - coming to a Dark City near you!

==============================================

Author's Note: In case you're wondering where Alpharious went? He's still there. Being the master of disguise and all-round awesomeness he is any of the above may be attributed to Alpharious instead of the stated character. **He's that good.**

Second Edit: In case you're wondering about Cosmopoliton's No.1 Most Eligible Bachelor? Eldrad Ulthran. Caught me by surprise too.


	5. Chapter V

= = = = = = = = ***CHAPTER FIVE*** = = = = = = = =

_The story so far: After spending ten thousand years drinking off their depression after a crushing defeat at the climax of the Horus Heresy, the Daemon Primarchs now find themselves aboard Warmaster Ezekyle Abaddon's flagship, the _Vengeful Spirit III_, hoping to regain their shattered pride, fix some broken ego, and generally attempt to gain more than a polite mention in the next Codex: Chaos Space Marines._

**Perturabo:** "Is it agreed then brothers? When the head-" wiggles the severed head of a poor unfortunate Thrall "-hits the table, we all stand and make our way to Abaddon's Auditorium and demand that we personally lead the final assault upon Cadia! Creed's head is every piece ours as it is his, for are we not gods amongst men? The original Pri ... what is it Magnus?"

**Magnus: **"I feel compelled to point out the innaccuracy of calling ourselves 'Gods'. Approaching the matter from a strictly scientific principle we are merely hyper-enhanced biological organisms built upon the base genetic profile culled from that of Homo Sapiens - Homo Sapia Primarus, I believe would be an accurate raping of the Latin language in the guise of 'High Gothic', which I feel compelled to point out only bears a passing resemblance to the Latin spoken by-"

**Angron: **"SNORE"

**Lorgar:** "Angron you don't **say** 'snore', you just snore ... like thus ..." snore

**Angron:** "Sorry, still getting used to this ... this ..."

**Lorgar:** "Sarcasm Angron. Best place to start learning the subtle art of wit, being the lowest form of".

**Angron:** "Ah ... sarkasm. Yeah. That thing".

**Mortarion: **"Why bother? Not like there's anything in his mind but hitting things with other things".

**Angron: **"Shut it emo boy".

**Perturabo: **"Angron, Mortarion, Lorgar, and especially you Magnus - shut it!" chuckling can be heard from beside Perturabo's huge Daemonic form "What?"

**Sanguinius: **"Sorry, I'm just basking in the combined Loser Rays eminating from all of you. It makes my skin ever so soft ..."

**Fulgrim: **"Oh let me feel ..." rubs Sanguinius' cheek "Ooh ..."

**Perturabo: **"Err ... yeah. Getting back on track ... let me rephrase myself: We are Primarchs! We led the Legions across the galaxy and reclaimed what was ours! We are generals without pier! Warriors without eq-... what is it Magnus?"

**Magnus:** "Erm ... just a little correction." Perturabo groans "In a recent poll conducted by _Time Magazine_, only five of us made it into the Top 10 of 'History's Greatest Generals'. Two of us in the top five".

**Perturabo: **"Oh, who was the top?"

**Magnus: **"Eldrad Ulthran".

**Perturabo: **"WHAT? But he doesn't even _lead!_ I can count on my un-daemonic spare hand the number of times he's got his hands dirty".

**Magnus: **"They say that it's because he doesn't risk the lives of his men by ensuring that they never get into wars is the reason why he won. They're quoting someone called 'Sun Zoo', or something, as proof".

**Perturabo: **"So they're saying the best way to do your job is to prevent there being a need for it?"

**Magnus: **"Essentially ... yes".

**Perturabo: **"... that's retarded. Moving back on topic, mainly because I'm getting tired of holding this head up, we're to storm in there and demand our jobs back-"

**Mortarion: **"From a first company captain ..."

**Perturabo: **slams head down onto the table, where it explodes "YES I KNOW HE'S A FIRST COMPANY CAPTAIN! HE'S NOT A PRIMARCH! HE'S NOT AN ALPHA-*******-LEVEL PSYKER! HE DOESN'T HAVE UNGODLY POWER AND STRENGTH AND CHARISMA AND EVERY-*******-THING UNDER THE BLACK SUN! I **KNOW**! But the point remains that somehow, by some sheer coincidence-"

**Magnus: **whispers "Will of Tzeentch"

**Perturabo: **"Will of Beaky Boy, by sheer unfair turn of events, Ezekyle 'This is not a ponytail - it's an expression' Abaddon is now in command of the Legions WE ONCE LED! While we sit here in this rather quaint Irish-style pub built onboard a Chaos-infested capital ship thirty-two thousand years after Ireland ceased existing (where's the logic _there?_) drowning our sorrows in cheap beer".

**Lorgar:** "And the real kicker is we can't get drunk".

**Alpharious:** "Not really fair is it?"

**Lorgar: **"Where did you come from?"

**Alpharious:** "I've been here all the time, I've just been masquerading as the banner at the top of the screen".

**Lorgar:** "Damn sneeky ..."

rap music starts up

**Lorgar:** "Oh crap ..."

**Perturabo: **"No .. not him"

**Alpharious: **"Chaos-damn-it!"

door swings open, and a huge figure stands in the doorway dressed in blue armour covered with stylish bling

**Roboute Guilliman: **"Hey bro's - what's up? How's my blood chilling, man?"

**Mortarion:** "Seriously who talks like that?"

**Guilliman: **"Do I detect some negativity from my little brother here? You know I don't stand for no negativity, not when I'm standing here being all awesome-like".

**Fulgrim: **"And the question must be asked - how **are** you standing there? The Daemon inside me is asking this ... not me ... I'm not in control of my body anymore ... thankyou McNeil ... grumble"

**Guilliman:** "Simple man - ain't no poison gonna be slowing me down. I'm too good for that, so I said 'Yo! Poison! Get out my body, man!' And the poison was all like 'wow - you Guilliman, you hardcore man!' And I'm like-"

**Fulgrim:** whispers to Lorgar "Get rid of him!"

**Lorgar: **"Why can't you?"

**Fulgrim: **"He's Graham McNeil's favourite Primarch! If I beat the crap out of him again next thing I know it won't just be a Daemonic sword possessing me, it'll be the scabbard, and the armour, and the bike! He'll make me the universe's plaything!"

**Lorgar: **"OK ... sigh HEY ROB!"

**Guilliman: **"and I'm like - yeah?"

**Lorgar: **"Abaddon's next door. He says the Codex Astartes is the biggest pile of crap he's ever read - worse than _The Inheritance Triology_".

**Guilliman: **"... HE WILL DIE!".

Guilliman punches through the wall and exits

**Lorgar: **"Simple and effective. Sorry Perturabo, you were saying?"

**Perturabo: **"I can't remember. Who's round is it now?"

all faces turn to Sangiunius

**Sanguinius: **"What? Oh that's great! Pick on the dead guy! _I can't even drink!_"

**Lorgar: **"They do appletini's".

**Sanguinius: **"Who wants what?"

= = = = = = = = ***CHAPTER FIVE*** = = = = = = = =


	6. Chapter VI

= = = = = = = = *****CHAPTER SIX***** = = = = = = = =

_The story so far: After spending ten thousand years drinking off their depression after a crushing defeat at the climax of the Horus Heresy, the Daemon Primarchs now find themselves aboard Warmaster Ezekyle Abaddon's flagship, the _Vengeful Spirit III_, hoping to regain their shattered pride, fix some broken ego, and generally attempt to gain more than a polite mention in the next Codex: Chaos Space Marines._

After a rude interruption by the recovered Roboute 'Ultrapimp' Guilliman and the psychic projection of Sanguinius, our (anti)heroes now find themselves once again gathering the courage to ask a certain ex-first company captain if they could be let in on the fun ...

**Perturabo:** "Could someone scroll up and check what I said last Chapter? I forgot to control-c the text ..."

**Magnus: **"And you wonder why Ferrus didn't let you near his computer ..."

**Fulgrim: **"He didn't let _me_ go on it, and to think we used to be like this ..." twists his first two fingers around each other

**Lorgar: **"The mental images ... my head!"

**Angron: **"Allow me to extract them brother!"

**Lorgar: **"What in the Warp are you doing?"

**Angron: **"It's just an axe ... won't hurt that much".

**Lorgar: **"It's not the axe I'm worried about, it's the Bloodthirster still holding onto it! Put it down, for the Gods' sake put it down!"

**Angron: **puts irate Bloodthirster down, who promptly runs off carving his way through thousands of unfortunately-placed ship thralls "Aww ... look at him go ... "

**Lorgar: **"For the love of ... anyway Fulgrim, if you remember Ferrus didn't particularly take well to the sites you visited and said content of that you downloaded".

**Fulgrim: **"I was just adding to the existing collection ... Ferrus' pron was dull and uninspiring ..."

**Lorgar: **"Yes ... perhaps ... but when the rest of us jokingly talk about rule thirty-four **none of us want to see it taken to such lengths!** I mean ... fruit, engine oil, zoatibix, and a squat? The mind boggles ..."

**Angron: **"That was one of the milder examples ... that one with the Eldar-"

**Lorgar: **"Lets not go there. Even /b/ was sickened by that. They've declared war on Gotto, though, which should give some amusing results ..."

**?: **"And the lulz shall be without comparison!"

**Lorgar: **"Speaking of the devil. Tick another one off Mort"

**Mortarion: **"Hey Ferrus, we're just waiting for Vulkan, Khan, Konrad and Lion to appear ..."

**Lorgar: **"It's your round by the way, Sanguinius paid up, Leman and Corax left some cash before the disappeared, and Alpharious stole Rob's wallet before he left to dish out some much-needed pimp vengeance on Ezekyle".

**Alpharious: **"I'm disturbed by the fact he has a picture of P Diddy in his wallet ..."

**Lorgar: **"Creepy ... anyway I thought you died at Istvaan? Seriously Fulgrim, can you actually kill anything properly?"

**Fulgrim: **"Do you know how difficult it is to kill something without blood staining these clothes? Do you know how much they cost?"

**Ferrus Manus: **"Relax Fulgrim. I cheated death by the power of retcon!"

**Lorgar: **"I'm sorry?"

**Ferrus: **"Fifth edition is upon us! Can you not feel the change in the air? Eager to capitalise on the success of the Horus Heresy product line, GW have recently announced a new summer campaign to coincide with the release of fifth Edition! They're brining us all back, releasing models and rules, and more plastic Space Marines!"

**Perturabo: **"Wait ... I do feel different. I feel ... like I have ... a characteristic profile!"

**Angron: **swings sword "Weapon Skill 9? Not bad ... ah crap, the Avatar hits me on a 3+ ... how's that fair? Fulgrim punched one out in one shot!"

**Fulgrim: **"It's a Black Library novel, how many times have I told you I get stunt actors provided for major battles?"

**Magnus: **"Why aren't I immune to Perils? Where's the sense in that?"

**Lorgar: **"But you're a Gargantuan Creature!"

**Magnus: **"Which makes me immune to my own psychic powers! FAQ GW? DO YOU THINK WE CAN HAVE ONE NOW?"

**Ferrus: **"I wouldn't bother. Dad's been asking them if he still has a backstory now for years ... haven't answered him yet".

**Magnus: **"A good point - where did the Sensei go?"

**Lorgar: **"Eaten by Tyranids?"

**Perturabo: **"So everyone's back?"

**Ferrus: **"Everyone".

**Perturabo: **"Including ... ?"

doors burst open (again ... they're probably used to this by now)

**Horus, Warmaster, Primarch of the Luna Wolves/Sons of Horus/Black Legion/Whatever, Cosmopoliton's Sexiest Primarch of the Great Crusade 200 years in a row: **"BROTHERS!"

**All: **"HORUS!"

**Lorgar: **"You owe me money!"

**Magnus: **"You owe me a planet!"

**Angron: **"You just owe me!"

**Horus: **"Relax brothers ... all debts will be repaid in good time. Now, we have work to do!"

**All: **"Destroy the Imperium!"

**Horus: **"Ah ... not quite".

**Lorgar: **"What? What do you mean 'not quite'? What happened about the Long War?"

**Horus: **"On hold folks".

**Magnus: **"On hold? Then what's the summer campaign about?"

**Horus: **"We're joining forces with our brothers against the real, true, absolutely THE bad guys of the universe - the C'tan!"

moment of silence

**Lorgar: **"#£&$ing C'tan!"

= = = = = = = = *****CHAPTER SIX***** = = = = = = = =


	7. Chapter VII

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S 

= = = = = = = = *****CHAPTER SEVEN***** = = = = = = = =

**Thought for the Day: **In Tau Empire, dice roll YOU!

_The story so far: After spending ten thousand years drinking off their depression after a crushing defeat at the climax of the Horus Heresy, the Daemon Primarchs now find themselves aboard Warmaster Ezekyle Abaddon's flagship, the _Vengeful Spirit III_, hoping to regain their shattered pride, fix some broken ego, and generally attempt to gain more than a polite mention in the next Codex: Chaos Space Marines._

After the shocking revelation that the long-awaited second coming was upon them, the Primarchs were less than enthused to discover that their eagerly longed for Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny was instead against the C'tan; beings that no one cared about until 3rd Ed. 

**Horus: **"I'm sorry about this guys ..."

**Lorgar: **"Don't apologise Horus, we quite understand. Frankly, I'm just glad we're finally getting motivated. Now I can lead my legions of loyal book worms into battle at long last!"

**Magnus: **"My fellow nerds shall inflict their rage upon the galaxy!"

**Ferrus: **"My fellow Anonymous shall taste battle! The Day of Reckoning has arrived! All Noobs everywhere shall suffer our wrath!"

**Horus: **"Quite ... I see you all haven't changed much ... just got larger ... and more gribbly ... and a few more eyes ... or arms in your case Fulgrum ... except Sanginius and Ferrus ... you guys haven't changed".

**Ferrus: **"The downside of being loyalist - limited Armoury".

**Sangiunius: **"Artificer Armour and Iron Halo; I never leave home without them".

**Ferrus: **"No one does, unless you're wearing Terminator Armour".

**Sanguinius: **"Ooh no ... that just makes me look fat. And you try flying in the damn thing ..."

**Ferrus: **"Mephiston manages it".

**Sanguinius: **"Well Mephiston can just go bite my-"

**Horus: **"Calm down girl, you're making Mort cry".

**Lorgar: **"Everything makes Mort cry".

**Mortarion: **crying "No it doesn't!"

**Horus: **"That's enough! All of you! Now we're needed in the Auditorium to tell the Mournival what they should be doing. I can't believe Ezekyle's been running things for the last ten thousand years by himself and **hasn't** managed to destroy the galaxy five times over already. Disappointing".

**Perturabo: **"Tell me about it ..."

**Horus: **"I know, I thought I raised the kid better ... maybe if Torgaddon ... no we'll just have _The Black Crusade Show!_ every couple of millennia ..."

they exit the pub, and walk the dingy corridors towards the Autitorium. Suddenly, the screen shatters!

**Perturabo: **"What the hell?"

two Bloodthirsters appear

**Horus: **"It's a random encounter"

**Lorgar: **"A what?"

**Horus: **"Sorry, forgot to mention. Relic are doing a tie-in RPG for the summer campaign".

**Lorgar: **"And they have _random encounters?_"

**Horus: **"It's Japanese-style".

**Perturabo: **"Where the hell did they come from? Where they hiding behind the walls? Seriously - how did we **not** see them? They're **BLOODTHIRSTERS!**"

**Magnus: **"I guess we failed our spot checks".

**Perturabo: **"BLOODTHIRSTERS!"

**Magnus: **"Hey, I didn't write the mechanics".

**Lorgar: **"Er Pert? It's turn-based and you rolled highest Initiative".

**Perturabo: **"What?"

**Lorgar: **"Turn-based. You should be used to it by now".

**Perturabo: **"But you can't do anything?"

**Lorgar: **"Nope".

**Perturabo: **"But they're right in front of you! _JUST HIT THEM!"_

**Lorgar: **"Can't - your Initiative step".

**Perturabo: **"Oh for the love of ...

Attack - Limit Break - Iron Omnislash  
Perturabo hits Bloodthirster!  
Perturabo deals 9,999 damage to Bloodthirster!  
Perturabo deals 9,999 damage to Bloodthirster!  
Perturabo deals 9,999 damage to Bloodthirster!  
Perturabo deals 9,999 damage to Bloodthirster!  
Perturabo deals 9,999 damage to Bloodthirster!  
Perturabo deals 9,999 damage to Bloodthirster!  
Perturabo deals 9,999 damage to Bloodthirster!  
Bloodthirster dies.

... thankyou!"

**Lorgar: **"You're next Horus".

**Horus: **"Thank the Gods, this battle music is starting to get repetitive ...

Magic - Black - Ultima  
Horus casts Ultima!  
Horus deals 99,999 damage to Bloodthirster!  
Bloodthirster dies.

... there we go".

**Perturabo: **"What the hell? I thought the damage caps at 9999?"

**Horus: **"Break Damage Limit".

**Perturabo: **"Broken ..."

**Horus: **grins "I've spent ten thousands years grinding".

Victory!  
Party gains 7,569 Gil  
Party gains 6,789 XP  
Party gains Phoenix Down

**Lorgar: **"Handy ..."

**Perturabo: **"XP? Is that contagious?"

**Horus: **"Ferrus, you're the gamer geek - you explain".

**Ferrus: **"Well ..."

**Horus: **"Congratulations party! Onwards - to the Auditorium!"

**Mortarion: **"Digs on Cloud".

**Lorgar: **"You can have Emo Boy ... emo boy ... I'll be Auron".

**Magnus: **"Damn ... "

**Alpharious: **"I'm Balthier!"

**Magnus: **"Oh double-damn!"  
**  
Lorgar: **"Fulgrim, what's with the staff and outfit?"

**Fulgrim:** "I want to be Aerith*"

**Lorgar: **"O ... K ... " slowly backs away

= = = = = = = = *****CHAPTER SEVEN***** = = = = = = = =

* Or Aeris, if you prefer.

**Edit: **Just testing out a title, now it's becoming a full-fledged series. No cookie for guessing where it's been stolen. FPRIVATE "TYPE=PICT;ALT="


	8. Chapter VIII

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S

= = = = = = = *****CHAPTER EIGHT***** = = = = = = = =  
**Thought for the Day: **Blessed be sock that is never lost, for many an Exterminatus was conducted by an irate Inquisitor with a single bare foot

_The story so far: After spending ten thousand years drinking off their depression after a crushing defeat at the climax of the Horus Heresy, the Daemon Primarchs now find themselves aboard Warmaster Ezekyle Abaddon's flagship, the _Vengeful Spirit III_, hoping to regain their shattered pride, fix some broken ego, and generally attempt to gain more than a polite mention in the next Codex: Chaos Space Marines._

_After a rude interruption by a random encounter, our (sometimes) heroes press onwards, their XP quota satisfied for today, but the question has to be asked ..._

**Ferrus: **"Where did Sanguinius go?"

**Mortarion:** "He vanished as soon as Horus appeared".

**Horus: **"Hah! The feathered cowered! Always a bad loser, remember the photo-shoot for _Men of the Great Crusade_ calender way back when?"

**Lorgar:** "I remember the strop he went into after they insisted on placing you as 'Mr. December'"

**Horus: **"Good times ..."

**Mortarion: **"We're not going to have a flashback are we? Those things give me jet-lag ..."

**Lorgar: **"How the hell does that work?"

**Sanguinius:** "Halt!"

**Perturabo: **"What the ... ?"

**Ferrus: **"There you are!"

**Angron: **"Nice katana!"

**Lorgar: **"Nice yellow jumpsuit ..."

**Sanguinius: **"Save your breath Lorgar, for I have a 2+ Save against your sarcasm - and I passed!"

**Magnus: **flicking through rulebook "Where does it say that?"

**Lorgar: **"Put the rulebook down Magnus, he's making a lame attempt at a joke, and a homage by the looks of his attire".

**Horus: **"So kiddo, is this the rematch?"

**Sanguinius: **"You better believe it! So come at thee! Let us clash swords and decide once and for all who should have worn the title of Warmaster!"

**Horus: **"Yeah ... with what? I have no arms".

**Sanguinius: **"What? Since when? How did I not notice that before?"

**Magnus: **"Well if people would put some ranks into Spot, maybe this wouldn't come as a surprise to you".

**Horus: **"My fault; I should have tought Abaddon how to undo safety straps on Lightning Claws. He got a bit impatient in his hurry to loot the gear he tore my arms off with the Talons. Unfortunately, while my uber-Primarch-regeneration skills have recovered from dad's 2nd Ed psychic megadeath blast, they can't regrow entire limbs. I need to get them reattached, which means finding out where Ezekyle put the damn things".

**Mortarion: **"Bummer ..."

**Horus: **"Tell me about it, I haven't-"

**Lorgar: **cough

**Horus: **"In millennia ..."

**Lorgar: **"Horus, try and remember this is a PG-13 forum ..."

**Horus: **"Sorry. Anyway, how about we put this on hold until I get my arms back?"

**Angron: **"You did OK against those Bloodthirster ..."

**Horus: **whispering "I don't have +Chaos to all my stats this time! What am I going to do, kick him to death?"

**Angron: **"Chuck Norris could do it ..."

**Horus: **"Leave grandpa out of this!"

**Sanguinius: **"Very well, this shall wait until the fight is fair!"

**Perturabo: **"That is why you lose ..."

**Sanguinius: **"Depends on the game; when did you last get a girlfriend?"

**Mortarion: **"Dude ... owned".

**Perturabo: **"Shut it!"

**Horus: **"Enough, the Auditorium is before us! Let us enter and instruct Ezekyle on the new order of things!"

**Angron: **"Hell yeah!"

**Lorgar: **"Angron, put the Bloodthirsters dow- ... wait, why have you attached them together with a chain?"

**Angron: **"My new invention - Blood-chucks! Just swing them around and they do all the hitting for you!"

**Lorgar: **"My brain hurts ..."

Horus kicks the door open, which squeels in pain and runs away

**Horus: **"Ezekyle!"

Abaddon looks at Horus from where he is held five feet above the ground by a very angry-looking Roboute Guilliman. He swings Drach'nyen through Guilliman without any effect

**Abaddon:** "Horus! Do something! They took away the insta-kill function last edition!"

**Horus: **"Fear no more! Curze!"

**Konrad Curze: **appearing from the darkness to throw a small red & white ball before Roboute "I choose you M'Lhindi!"

the ball pops open, and a Callidus assassin appears. Thrusting her C'tan Phase sword into Roboute's groin. The Primarch collapses as everyone in the Auditorium winces and clutches their own respective anatomy. The Callidus grins, then pops back into the ball

**Curze: **"Good girl. She levelled up from that encounter!"

**Lorgar: **"Konrad! You're alive! And still collecting assassins so it seems ..."

**Curze: **"Indeed, I have a couple more Callidus' in my collection as well as Vindicare, Culexus, Evesor, and some Venenom".

**Magnus: **"Still no Vanus?"

**Curze: **shakes his head "That's an ultimate rare!"

**Lorgar: **"No matter, it's good to have you back. That just leaves Vulkan ..."

**Vulkan: **"Did somebody call my name?"

theme music begins ...  
_Who's that cool-ass Primarch _  
_who's a sex machine to all the chicks?_  
_(Vulkan!)_  
_You're damn right ..._

_Who is the man_  
_Who would risk his neck for a brother marine?_  
_(Vulkan!)_  
_Can ya dig it?_

**Mortarion: **"Wait ... that doesn't even rhyme!

**Lorgar: **dancing along with everyone else "So? Just get down with the beat!"

**Mortarion: **"You're all sad ... if anyone wants me I'll be in my corner ..." 

= = = = = = = *****CHAPTER EIGHT***** = = = = = = = =  
_Who's the lizard that won't know fear  
When there's danger all about  
(Vulkan!)  
Right on  
_  
_You see this lizard Vulkan is a bad mother-  
(__**Lorgar: **__"PC-13!")  
But I'm talkin' about Vulkan_  
_(Then we can dig it)_

He's a complicated Primarch  
_But no one understands him but his flamers_  
_(Vulkan!)_

= = = = = = = *****CHAPTER EIGHT***** = = = = = = = =

**Edit: **Oops, forgot to give credit where credit is due. Kudos to Dan for the idea about 'armless Horus.


	9. Chapter IX

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S  
= = = = = = = *****CHAPTER NINE***** = = = = = = = =

**Thought for the Day: **Asteroids are expensive. On a budget for the apocalypse? Order your Exterminatus now for a reduced Christmas price! Curtesy of your Friendly Neighbourhood Inquistion.

_The story so far: After spending ten thousand years drinking off their depression after a crushing defeat at the climax of the Horus Heresy, the Daemon Primarchs now find themselves aboard Warmaster Ezekyle Abaddon's flagship, the _Vengeful Spirit III_, hoping to regain their shattered pride, fix some broken ego, and generally attempt to gain more than a polite mention in the next Codex: Chaos Space Marines._

_Rejoined with their dead, missing, and (in one case) supposedly-utterly-annihilated brothers, our (when they can be bothered) heroes now confront the object of ten thousand years of frustration - former first company captain, now self-declared Warmaster, Ezekyle Abaddon. _

**Lorgar: **"I say we force him to listen to Mort's entire collection".

**Perturabo: **"By the Gods man! I know we're supposed to be evil, but there is a **limit**!"

**Mortarion: **giant bundles of paper in his massive, pus-ridden hands "Please! It'll be nice to read to someone other than Grandpappy Nurgle!"

**Perturabo: **"Warp help anyone other than the only sentient creature more depressed than you are who hears the poor excuse for 'emotional literature' that you call poetry".

**Mortarion: **eyes begin to bubble with diseased-infested tears

**Perturabo: **"Oh for the love of ..."

**Horus: **"Quiet, all of you".

**Perturabo: **"Hey, don't come back after ten thousand years and think you still own the place - we've moved on! We're older and wiser and we don't need you to tell us what to do anymore?"

**Abaddon: **"Oh really? And what, pray tell, have you done in those ten thousand years Horus hasn't been holding your hand?"

silence

**Angron: **"I failed to ravage a small hive world ..."

**Peturabo: **"That seriously didn't help Ang ... seriously didn't help".

**Magnus: **"Thanks Angron, what little self-esteem and confidence I have from being possibly the biggest nerd in the galaxy has now been violated like a fourteen-year-old Japanese schoolgirl in a Slaaneshi summoning ritual. From the bottom of my heart and with all the sarcasm I can muster, I thank you. Now, if anyone wants me, I'll be with Ferrus surfing 4chan ..."

**Angron: **"Sheesh ... a simple 'shut it' would have sufficed. No need for the graphic analogy ..."

**Horus: **"Abaddon, however, and for the first time in years, does have a point. You, collectively, including you my loyalist brothers, have done squat-all for ten thousand years".

**Random Squat: **"Hey!"

**Horus: **"Oh sorry, that was exceedingly politically incorrect of me".

**Random Squat: **"Damn straight!"

**Lorgar: **"I thought you guys were ret-conned out last edition?"

**Random Squat: **"Aye! But think about it! Our homeworlds ere eaten by the bugs, but **just** our homeworlds! We squats are everywhere; it's not as if the bugs can track all of us down no matter where we are!" bursts into laughter!

A Lictor bursts from the shadows, pins the squat to the ground and quicky devours him, disappearing afterwards as suddenly as it had appeared

**Lorgar: **"Yeah, you were just asking for that".

**Horus: **"Anyway, where was I? Ah yes, Abaddon's point ..."

**Tarik Torgaddon: **"Bloody hell! A point! Ezzi, make a point! We'll see pigs flying now eh?" barrels a huge Daemonic elbow into Abaddon's side

**Abaddon: **rolling eyes "Whatever. Allow me to reintroduce you to your Mournival Horus, this irritating excuse for a Daemon Prince is Torgaddon, previous second company captain, now permanent ship's jester".

**Torgaddon: **"See, when you become" wiggles fingers "'corrupted' by Chaos your main personality trait is enhanced to the point where anything else is forgotten, rendering you a two-dimensional caricature. Being the token 'funnyman' of the group, my entire existence is now built around making endless unfunny jokes about any situation that occurs".

**Abaddon**: "He will die again in a moment as well. Ahriman, prep another soul-binding ritual".

**Ahriman**: "Oh, for the love of ... OK someone get me another cute furry animal! I need something cute and innocent for the sacrifice!"

**Thrall Wizard: **"We've got Dakota Fanning out back".

**Ahriman: **"That'll do".

**Abaddon: **gestures to a rather normal-looking Space Marine bound by various Daemonic Chains "I'm sure you remember Garviel Loken?"

**Loken: **"Unbind me Ezekyle! Face the wrath of the Emperor! You will pay for your sins! Pay for the deaths of every innocent you butchered! In the name of justice and the Imperial Truth!"

**Lorgar: **"Has he always been such a twat?"

**Abaddon: **"He was the main character for the first three Horus Heresy novels, and being a Black Library main character is a walking self-righteous moralistic do-gooder just in case the reader is under the mistaken impression he's reading a _Star Wars_ novel".

**Loken: **"If you had a lightsaber Ezekyle, it would be red ... so very **red!**"

**Abaddon: **"Yeah, because we naturally colour-code villains for your convenience ..." rolls eyes

**Lorgar: **"That also explains the overabundance of spikes around the place in recent years ..."

**Abaddon: **"Yeah, I'm getting those all removed - health and safety hazards".

**Horus: **"Garvi still loyalist I see? Why do you keep him around?"

**Abaddon: **"To ignore him".

**Loken: **"If you hadn't turned traitor Ezekyle, we would be playing with **Assault Cannons** by now! ASSAULT CANNONS EZEKYLE! HEAVY FOUR RENDING AWESOMENESS! EMPEROR HELP ME I HATE YOU SO MUCH!"

**Abaddon: **"I think he's annoyed about something ... anyway, lastly we come to Horus Aximand, who's opinions I do ocassionally listen to ... once a millennia or two ..."

**'Little' Horus Aximand**: "Cheers Ezekyle, it's good to see you again Horus"

**Horus: **"Likewise, although I think you need a new nickname. Can't call you 'Little Horus' anymore when you look like that. I don't have quite so many teeth ... or mouths ... or heads for that matter ..."

**Lorgar: **"And he's significantly larger than you ... by a good forty feet".

**Horus: **"Indeed ... Gargantuan Creature by any chance?"

**Aximand: **grins

**Magnus: **looking up from the hololithic monitor "A brother in Unit Type!"

**Horus: **"Excellent, now move your ungodly Toughness and Wounds over a bit so I can sit down next to Ezekyle ... you owe me some arms by the way".

**Abaddon: **"I'll have to ask Fabius to grow some new ones, I sold the old on WarpBay".

**Horus: **"What?"

**Abaddon: **"I needed the cash, and you'd be surprised how much people will pay for a piece of a celebrity".

**Mortarion: **"Then why won't any of my poems get a bid ...?"

**All: **"Because you suck!"

**Mortarion: **"And you wonder why I'm depressed all the time ... Loken, will you be my friend?"

**Loken: **"I may be the good guy but have to draw the line somewhere ... now if you'll excuse me - HEAVY FOUR RENDING!"

**Abaddon: **"THIRTY POINT TERMINATORS!"

**Loken: **"Ooh ... touche"

= = = = = = = *****CHAPTER NINE***** = = = = = = = =

_Oh when will the pain end?_  
_The eternal suffering of my mind._  
_When will the pain be over,_  
_it burns inside like a thousand knives._  
_Let me end, let me go,_  
_pass into the endless nothing._  
_I wish to do, how I do so,_  
_to leave this world and embrace_  
_the entropic bliss of nothing._

_Praise be to Nurgle!_  
_- "Entropic Bliss", by Mortarion. _

= = = = = = = *****CHAPTER NINE***** = = = = = = = =


	10. Chapter X

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S  
= = = = = = = *****CHAPTER TEN***** = = = = = = = =

**Thought for the Day:** Remember - when set alight, stop, drop, and roll those 6's!

_The story so far: After spending ten thousand years drinking off their depression after a crushing defeat at the climax of the Horus Heresy, the Daemon Primarchs now find themselves aboard Warmaster Ezekyle Abaddon's flagship, the _Vengeful Spirit III_, hoping to regain their shattered pride, fix some broken ego, and generally attempt to gain more than a polite mention in the next Codex: Chaos Space Marines._

With introductions between the two majors Chaos powers - the Primarchs of old, and the followers of Abaddon who have enjoyed a ten thousand year long frat party without the adults around - now complete, Chaos Undivided turns its matters to more important questions:

**Lorgar: **"I may be missing a small and possibly quite minor detail here, but how on Terra are we supposed to ally with a force we, truth be told, betrayed, then lost to, and subsequently spent ten thousand years of protracted religious warfare with?

**Horus: **"By restoring the Imperial Aetheism! ... I mean Truth!"

**Lorgar: **"Good luck, the Ecclesiarchy is as good as me when it comes to inciting religious fevor. Ten thousand years of religious zeal isn't going away overnight. Besides, there is one small flaw to your aetheist plan".

**Horus: **"Oh?"

**Lorgar: **"Gods exist - it's a scientifically proven fact".

**Horus: **"Science - you've betrayed us! How could you ally with the enemy?"

**Strange woman: **"Oh Horus darling ... don't you want me anymore?"

**Stranger woman: **"Oh ... how disappointing. Especially when he was so much fun to toy with ... like a little puppet with a pull-string ... a cheese pull string, with califlower ... so many catch-phrases ..."

**Fat man:**"What in the infinite hells are you babbling about?"

**Bulky man:**"Don't even bother, its mind works in ways beyond our understanding".

**Strange woman: **"Perhaps just yours ... we all know there's nothing much going on up there, darling, than thoughts of blood ..." sucks her fingers absent-mindedly

**Horus: **"I would say it's a plesant surprise to see you all here, but that would be the biggest lie since I sent out all those invites for Istvaan Mash-Up M.31!"

**Lorgar: **"The Avatars of the Gods! I never thought they would be so ... stereotypical".

**Strange woman - Slaanesh: **"We go with what's best darling ..."

**Fulgrim: **"That's a fantastic little number there you're **not **wearing ... I do believe that miniskirt's so short it's _inverted_ itself and destroyed several dimensions in the process".

**Slaanesh: **I would say she adopts a seductive pose, but that's the default state of being for Slaanesh, so I'll tell you when she's **not** looking like a Luis Royo painting "Why thank you my dear"

**Mortarion:** "Grandpa!"

**Fat man - Nurgle: **"Mort! Come to my arms!" Mort runs to Nurgle, and promptly falls into the open, bleeding, pestilent chest cavity to curl up within the diseased organs of the horrifically obese Nurgle

**Lorgar: **"Oh that's just gross ..."

**Magnus: **"Tzeentch! How's it going?"

**Stranger woman - Tzeentch:**"Somewhat obtuse, with minor infringements upon perpendicular territories. It's a maths equation that I shall enjoy with a slice of tea".

**Mangus: **"And you make no sense as always ..."

**Tzeentch: **"Leman cupcakes! Magnus you have no corollary turtle soup!"

**Ahriman:** "She says you've cut your hair - it looks good"

**Magnus: **"Ahri - you understand Tzeentch-speak!"

**Ahriman:** "What? Did you think I spent the last ten thousand years bumming out on the sofa? I've been doing homework; I'm fluent in over eighty thousand different languages, including net-speak".

**Ferrus: **"OHAI!"

**Ahriman:** "lol! G2G!; I have a Dakota to sacrifice ..."

**Slaanesh: **"Hmm ... sweet little girls ..."

**Ahriman: **shudders "Ergh ..."

**Angron:** "Keep away from anything I want to cut up"

**Bulky man - Khorne:** "That's the spirit! I see you've learnt well! What's that you're holding?"

**Angron: **"Blood-chucks! My own invention!"

**Khorne: **"Tell me more ..."

**Abaddon: **"Is everyone here yet? I want to get this meeting started soon".

**Lorgar: **"Well we're still missing a few ..."

doors burst open

**Abaddon: **"Oh for the love of ... does **anyone** in this galaxy know how to open doors? THEY HAVE MOTION SENSES FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!"

**Leman Russ: **"And they sensed my motion!" deep laughter of the Brian Blessed kind

**Corax: **"Pitiful ..."

**Khan: **piercing stare

**Lorgar: **"Russ, Dorn, Corax, and Khan! I'm glad you guys could make it. Good to see you again Khan!"

**Khan: **piercing stare

**Lorgar: **"Erm ... how have you been?"

**Khan: **piercing stare

**Lorgar: **"Good tour?"

**Khan: **piercing stare

**Lorgar: **"Erm ... well you're as talkative as ever ... I think we're ready to being now Abaddon ..."

**Corax: **"So this is Nurgle, good to meet you"

**Nurgle:**"Corax! I admire your poetry ... it speaks from the heart!"

**Corax: **"Finally someone who understands my pain!"

**Lorgar:** rolls eyes

**Fulgrim: **"RUSS! GET AWAY FROM MY GOD! Slaanesh put him down - you don't know where he's been!"

**Slaanesh:** "Don't care darling ..."

**Russ: **"Wait, Slaanesh? Ya said yer name WA Agnus!"

**Abaddon: **"Can Gods, Primarchs, and us 'mere' mortals take our seats before I start breaking out the Strength 8 hurt?"

everyone ignores him

**Abaddon: **"LAST ONE TO SIT DOWN GETS A FREE COPY OF THE DAWN OF WAR TRILOGY SIGNED BY C S GOTTO!"

everyone is seated

**Abaddon: **"Mortarion, sitting inside Nurgle doesn't count. So here's your book ..."

**Mortarion: **"TAKE IT AWAY! THE WORDS - THEY BURN MY PRECIOUS EYES!"

**Abaddon: **"Right, agenda number one ..."

mass snoring

**Abaddon: **"It's going to be one of those days ..."

**GREAT VOICE OF AWESOME: **"THEN LET ME SIMPLIFY IT!"

all eyes turn to the doorway, where a great golden weelchair is being pushed in by a cloaked figure. Upon the weelchair sits THE EMPEROR OF MANKIND!

**Horus:** "FATHER!"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"Horus! It has been too long!"

**Horus:** "I am sorry for what I have done, do you forgive me father?"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"Of course my son ... but you're still grounded for an eon".

**Horus: **bows head "I understand father ..."

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"And I'm taking your Xbox away for the duration"

**Horus:** "Dad! I was going to play that when Ezekyle grew my arms back!"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"Tough ... and Russ, Sanguinius, Roboute, Corax, Vulkan, Ferrus, Khan, and Dorn please get up! Spend any more time penitent and I'll class it as worship, and you know what I do to worshippers?"

**Lorgar: **"The horror ..."

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"Lorgar still remembers. Right, Ezekyle, mind if I take over?"

**Abaddon: **"Do I have a choice?"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!:**"Not at all. Right, I now with my powers of supreme awesomeness declare this Chapter ended!" 

= = = = = = = *****CHAPTER TEN***** = = = = = = = =

**Dorn: **"Wait ... haven't we forgotten someone?" 

**PART ONE END  
**

Part two begins next chapter! Rest assured Dark Angel fans - the Lion will be appearing soon! FPRIVATE "TYPE=PICT;ALT="

**Credits: **To MutantMaggot for the idea on the Emperor's modern state. 


	11. Chapter XI

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S  
**PART TWO - THE FISH OF TIME**  
= = = = = = = *****CHAPTER ELEVEN***** = = = = = = = =  
**Thought for the Day:** A Grot is for life, not just for Christmas. Give your Grot over to the Killer Kan Charity For Making Use Of Our Gretchin!

_The story so far: After spending ten thousand years drinking off their depression after a crushing defeat at the climax of the Horus Heresy, the Daemon Primarchs now find themselves aboard Warmaster Ezekyle Abaddon's flagship, the _Vengeful Spirit III_, hoping to regain their shattered pride, fix some broken ego, and generally attempt to gain more than a polite mention in the next Codex: Chaos Space Marines._

_With the arrival of THE EMPEROR OF MANKIND!, the Forces of Currently Undecided Moral Stance now discuss the topic of great importance; the destruction of the C'tan and all they stand for!_

**Mortarion:** "So what do they stand for?"

**Lorgar:** "I can' believe you actually pay attention to the opening narrative ..."

**Horus: **"Crappy retcons, Mort".

**Lorgar:** "I don't hear you complaining about the how we somehow got better from 'dying of old age' to being immortal"

**Horus:** "I love _Realms of Chaos_ like a step-child who isn't ginger but even I'll be the first to admit that Humanity creating Khorne, Nurgle **and** Tzeentch **by itself** was a pretty stupid idea".

**Tzeentch:** "Peanut colon, sideways inuendo with cheese.

**Slaanesh:** "She says 'you wish'. Me, on the other hand baby, I'm all Eldar. One hundred and one percent ..."

**Mortarion:** "Looks like someone needs to learn basic maths again ..."

**Slaanesh:** "Don't make me come over there and give you affection!"

**Mortarion: **"Positive emotional connections! KEEP THEM AWAY FROM ME!"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"When you two have quite finished?"

silence

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"Excellent ... now; onto more serious matters-"

**Lorgar: **"We're not shifting the tone of this script already are we?"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"No we're not, now with all my supreme Merret-given powers of absolute awesomeness I demand SILENCE!"

cricket chirps

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **deathly gaze

cricket explodes

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"Right ... where was I? Ah yes ... we're gathered here today, all of us-"

**Dorn: **"Lion's still missing"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"MOST of us - I'll give Lion a Warp-mail of this meeting's contents later when the lazy git wakes up - are gathered here today with the same single burning desire held within their soul!"

**Lorgar:** "You want to go back to the pub too?"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"What? No!"

**Angron:** "You want a Bloodthirster-morningstar?"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"How does that work? I MEAN NO!"

**Slaanesh:** "Darling, I **really** doubt you want what I want ..."

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"That we're in agreement over ..."

**Ferrus:** "Dad ..."

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"FOR THE LAST TIME I AM **NOT** PAYING FOR YOUR UNLIMITED WARPBAND ACCESS! You can pay for your own damned torrenting ..."

**Ferrus: **shrug "Worth a shot ..."

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!:** "ANYONE ELSE?"

cricket chirps

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"REJECTED!"

cricket is torn inside out, then explodes

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"For the love of ... OK, back to the main storyline ... THE C'TAN!"

general boos and hissess erupt from the audience

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"Nice response ... these damn so-called 'Gods' must go! I cannot stand seeing highly advanced, super-intelligent, ultra-powerful immortal energy beings passing themselves off as deities".

**Lorgar:** "You were Gene Roddenberry in a past life weren't you?"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!:** "I may have been ... but that's immaterial"

**Slaanesh: **holding up a small pocket-dimension of Warp-matter "No, **this** is immaterial!"

cricket plays the drums - BA boom da!

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!:** "NOT FUNNY!"

cricket turns inside out, spontaneously combusts, then explodes

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"How many of the damn things are there?"

**Abaddon: **"Sorry, I've been meaning to call pest control for a while ..."

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"Get around to it ... right" composes himself "The C'tan are immensely powerful, and despite having playable stats for several editions now are significantly more powerful than we are. They also have legions of undying servants, and a good hold over half the Adeptus Mechanicus. Their insidious cult is spreading faster than an STI on a college campus - STOP GRINNING SLAANESH! - and within the century they could have a destructive hold upon the misguided citizens of the Imperium. We need to destroy this menace once and for all! To do to them what the Tyranids did to the Squats ... only without leaving a die-hard fanbase in its wake. With me so far?"

**Peturabo: **"Sorry you lost us when you said you weren't more powerful than the C'tan".

**Russ: **"Aye. Tha' concept takes some ge'in used to".

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **shrugs "Hey, I hit on a 3+ just like everyone else".

**Angron: **"Except against the Avatar ..."

deathly silence

**Slaanesh:** GODLIKE RAGE!

**Khorne:** "Word of advice - don't mention the ex-boyfriend. They have a **history**".

**Angron: **"Ah ... cheers"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"Any further interruptions?"

cricket ...

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"Don't even think about it! The C'tan are powerful, but they have a weakness! We must strike them when they were at their most vulnerable, when they did not have the allies they have now! We must travel back in time and destroy them when they are young and weak!"

**Magnus: **"Time-travel? But this setting doesn't have such a science fiction staple!"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"That's where you fail ... for this franchise does have a way of traversing time. When our universe was joined to that of _Warhammer Fantasy Battles _we shared the same small hope that one day _Warhammer Armies: Fishmen_ will see the light of day! A small piece of background leaked onto the Warpnet spoke of the great deity of the Fishmen - THE FISH OF TIME!"

dramatic music

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"Wow, that cricket's actually quite useful. You may live my little furry friend".

**Dorn: **"But where may we find this Fish of Time?"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"The Fishmen reside beyond the established canon background - beyond the Gates of Varl!"

**Corax: **"But how to pass through the Gates? They are protected by Deliberate Background Ambiguity!"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"The Eldar hold the way! They alone know of the six Keys of Varl that will unlock the way!"

**Fulgrim: **"The Eldar?"

**Eldrad Ulthran, Cosmopoliton's No.1 Most Eligible Bachelor: **"He speaks the truth! We Eldar are once again your only hope, pitiful Humans! Karma sucks big-time doesn't it?"

**Abaddon: **"How the hell do these people keep appearing **inside the supposedly most heavily defended room in this ship!** Where the hell is my security! Who's in charge of them anyway?"

**Torgaddon: **"Oh ... that's me".

**Abaddon: **face-palms 

= = = = = = = *****CHAPTER ELEVEN***** = = = = = = = =


	12. Chapter XII

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S  
= = = = = = = *****CHAPTER TWELVE***** = = = = = = = =

**Ecclesiarchy Public Service Announcement:** Fight for the Emperor, and you may die. Don't fight for the Emperor, and you **will** die. We like making choices easy for you.

_The story so far: After spending ten thousand years drinking off their depression after a crushing defeat at the climax of the Horus Heresy, the Daemon Primarchs now find themselves aboard Warmaster Ezekyle Abaddon's flagship, the _Vengeful Spirit III_, hoping to regain their shattered pride, fix some broken ego, and generally attempt to gain more than a polite mention in the next Codex: Chaos Space Marines._

_With the knowledge of a great power, the Primarchs listen attentively to the reborn Eldar Farseer, Eldrad Ulthran-_

**Lorgar: **"No we won't!"

_Yes you will._

**Lorgar: **"No, bugger off!"

_I am the Narrator, I have ultimate power over all of you. You __**will**__ listen to what I say, and you will dance like the puppets you are. MWAHAHAHA!_

**Lorgar:**"You didn't just **type** maniacal laughter did you?"

_Erm ... I might have._

**Lorgar: **"That's just sad - father!"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"REJECTED! FOURTH WALL BREAKER ATTACK!"

_ARRGGGH!_

Lastie is obliterated at the keyboard

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!:**"I, the EMPEROR OF MANKIND! and all-round awesome dude I am, will from here take over the duties as Narrator ..

_... starting now. Hey, this is kinda cool. Testing, testing ... can you hear me all right everyone?_

**All:** "Yes! Now get on with it!"

_Fair enough. Our story continues with the arrival of the Eldar witch Eldrad Ulthran, who, by the way, is far more uglier underneath his armour than Cosmopoliton would suggest, and that he won Most Eligible Bachelor repeatedly before me is a crime of the gre-_

**Lorgar:** "Dad?"

_Hah ... sorry, I ramble. This is kinda addictive, by the way. The power ... the power ... er ... anyway. Eldrad explains that the Keys of Varl are hid-_

**Eldrad: **"Wait ... don't I get the chance to dialogue?"

_Not on my narrative watch bi-_

**Eldrad: **"Oh you did **not** just call me that!"

_But I didn't ..._

**Eldrad: **"You were **going** to ..."

_Yeah, but ..._

**Eldrad: **"Good enough for me - I cast TRUE RESURRECTION on the Narrator!"

_Oh thank God for that. Cheers Eldrad!_

**Eldrad: **"No problem, now buy my model and collect Eldar!"

_Er ... I'll pass thanks. Right, Eldrad will now explain the Keys and the mission our brave heroes must endure to save the galaxy from the perils of the C'tan ... _

**Eldrad: **"Damn straight I will. Gods, heroes, mortals, and crickets, I stand before you reborn from the clutches of the corrupted Talisman!"

**Eldar aid: **"Er ... sir? Use of 'corrupt' to describe Chaos is being discouraged ..."

**Eldrad:** "What?"

**Eldar aid: **"It's politically incorrect sir, and insensitive to our Chaos allies. They prefer if you would use 'alternative existential style' instead"

**Eldrad: **"Bloody hell ... oh very well: I escaped from the 'alternative existential styled' Talisman a new man, which greater powers, a new model - sculpted by Jes Goodwin no less! - and sexy new rules"

**Ahriman:** reading Codex: Eldar, fifth edition "You can use **how many** powers a Turn? That's just broken ... who wrote this anyway?"

**Eldrad:** "Not Gav Thorpe, I can assure you. He's too busy with the fifth edition Chaos Space Marines ..."

deathly silence

**Mortarion: **"I have a bad feeling about this guys ..."

**Ahriman: **Bolt Pistol to ear "What's that you say trusty Inferno Bolts? AP 2? Two wounds **and **a 4+ Invulnerable Save? Pete Haines made to play Thousand Sons at gunpoint? I sense a bright future ahead of us ..."

**Perturabo: **reading over shoulder "One wound Obliterators? Choose a single weapon for the **entire** game? There's backlash then there's **single-minded vengeance**!"

**Magnus:** "Oh isn't that sweet .. Gav and Alessio sent me a birthday card ..."

**Perturabo: **"WHAT? Oh **now** it's personal!"

**emperor of mankind: **"Personal vendettas against the designers will have to wait until the end of the campaign ... wait ... did you just spell my name in lower case?"

_Yeah. What you going to do ... Tracy?"_

**emperor of mankind: **"You did **not** just call me by my name?"

**Eldrad:** "'Tracy'?" snigger

**emperor of mankind: **"SHUT UP!"

**Gods: **"Hey Tracy!"

**emperor of mankind: **"QUIET!"

cricket chirps 'Tracy'

**emperor of mankind:**"I'm going to sit with Mort in the corner ..."

cricket plays sad music on violin

**emperor of mankind:** "Now that's just going too far"

_Promise to behave?_

**emperor of mankind:** " ... alright".

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"AWESOME! My name's back! Witness the awesomeness!"

**Eldrad:** "Witnessed ... whatever. Anyway, I'm back, all is good. Now it's time to kick ass, C'tanic ass that is. To pass through the Gates of Varl and obtain the power of the Fish of Time, one needs the six Keys of Carl!"

**Lorgar:** "Don't you mean 'Varl'?"

**Eldrad: **"No ... Carl. Don't you remember?"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"I had their memories wiped, along with all Legion records ..."

**Perturabo:** "Legions records? Who's Carl?"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"Primarch of the Eleventh Legion".

**Horus: **"There was a Primarch? I thought that was just a bad dream to conveniently explain away my surprisingly quick choice to side with Chaos?"

**Tzeentch:** "Curse McNeil for condensing my seven thousand page argument into four!"

**Magus:** "HAH! You **can** talk sense if you want!"

**Tzeentch: **"I wasn't talking sense; you're going insane so now you can understand me ..."

**Magnus:** "Oh ..."

**Tzeentch: **whispering to herself "So easy ..."

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!:**"Unfortunately not. As quite clearly stated in multiple publications all twenty Primarchs were found, although we had to get trid of two on the very logical grounds. In Carl's case - he was ****ing lazy ... hey I'm the EMPEROR OF MANKIND! How dare you bleep my swears!"

_Warseer rules ... sorry._

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"But I'm the Emperor ..."

**Lorgar:** "So what happened to him?"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"He's still probably lazying about somewhere smoking, injecting, snorting and whatever else-ing various substances and watching endless repeats of _Cheers_ in an effort to destroy what little brain cells he has left ..."

**Dorn:** "What was his Legion called?"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!:**"The Fear Loathers ..."

**Russ:** "'an he has TE keys?"

**Eldrad:** "No, unfortunately he lost them many thousands of years ago to pay for the entire DVD box set of _Friends_. Their current whereabouts are unknown, but I do have clues to set us going!"

**Sanguinius:** "Well tell us, and we shall be on our way!"

**Eldrad:** "Very well: Dorn, Perturabo, and Corax; there's a small Ork Empire to the galactic southeast that may hold clues to the Hope Key! Russ, Magnus, and Ferrus; head to Ruins of Al'cir, the Ancient Craftworld of Despair for clues on the Despair Key! Vulkan, Roboute, and Alpharious can tackle the Fields of Glory for the Glory Key! Mortarion, Sanguinius and Fulgrim can enjoy the lures of the Daemonworld of Ibris for the Desire Key! Khan, Angron, and Konrad can tackle the Endless Hells of Kith for the Battle Key! And Lion, Lorgar and Horus can talk to the Oracle of Oblivion for the Final Key!"

**Lorgar: **"Sounds like you know exactly where they are".

**Eldrad: **"Only becaused I scryed to the end of this plot".

**Lorgar: **"Fair enough, do we win? And look **good**?"

**Eldrad: **"Yeah ... whatever".

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"Enough plot establishment! ON WITH THE CRUSADE! PRIMARCHS! ONWARDS TO GLORY!"

**All: **rousing battle-cry

The Primarchs leave the Auditorium, eager to being their new quest

**Abaddon: **"And what do we do?"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"Take back Terra now I've give my useless sons something to occupy themselves with".

**Abaddon: **"You mean that was all a lie?"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!:**"Of course! Fish of Time? What nonsense! We'll win this campaign the old fashioned way! Rolling lots of dice and killing things until they stop moving!"

**Torgaddon: **"Er ... sir? Phone call for you".

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"Really?" takes receiver "Yeah?"

**DECEIVER: **"Hey, Tracy-dude! It's me, Deceiver"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"Oh ... hi".

**DECEIVER:**"Just thought you'd like to know, as I'm sitting on your throne here on Terra: ALL YOUR BASE ARE - LIKE TOTALLY - BELONG TO US!"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"Damn you!"

**DECEIVER: **"I'M IN YOUR BASE, KILLING YOUR DUDES!"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **slams receiver down "Oh, now it's personal! Malcador!"

**Cloaked man: **"Yes sir?"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"Get me my Sword of a Thousand Truths! It's time to pwn some Necrons!"

**Abaddon: **"As soon as the Primarchs leave, set course for Terra! Never thought I'll be _defending_ the place, of all things".

**Torgaddon: **"The irony eh?"

**Abaddon: **"Please stop talking ..."

= = = = = = = *****CHAPTER TWELVE***** = = = = = = = =


	13. Chapter XIII

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S  
= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER THIRTEEN*** = = = = = = = =  
**Thought for the Day:** Blessed be the 3+ Save, for those who who wield it fear not the typically terrain sparse GW store gaming table.

_After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and their Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to combat the greatest evil known to the Warhammer 40,000 universe - the Forces of Retcon and their harbingers, the C'tan. _

_Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the Gates of Varl carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch Carl of the Eleventh Legion, the Fear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the C'tan by obtaining the only canon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star Gods when they were young (and without their undying servants) - the Fish of Time!_

_We now join Lorgar and Horus aboard Horus' new flagship, the_ Ultimate Badass_, as it journeys towards the last known location of the Rock, the fortress-monastary home of the Dark Angels Chapter._

**Lorgar:** "Wow, a new opening narrative".

**Horus:** "Indeed, it fits these desperate times. Hasten! Push these engines faster so we might reach the Rock and secure the help of our brother Lion El'jonson! Faster I scream! Faster into the depth of the Warp! Faster unto-"

**Lorgar:** "What the hell are you doing?"

**Horus:** "Getting into the spirit of things, you know ... over-acting? Just in case this scene is being recorded for a White Dwarf feature on the campaign"

**Lorgar:** "Putting aside the implausible concept of White Dwarf featuring anything but advertisments for Jo's Snotling Diner and Dame Dona's Daemonettes of Devilishy Delightful Duties, is it possible to get through at least one short story without being beaten to death by dialogue that seems to be written as an ode to George Lucas' writing skills? Because we all know what killed the Star Wars prequels ..."

**Horus:** "Over abundance of CGI?"

**Lorgar:** "No, the other thing ..."

**Horus:** "Hayden Christensen?"

**Lorgar:** "Isn't he a Daemon Prince? No, keep going ..."

**Horus:** "Jar Jar Binks?"

**Lorgar:** "OK ... fair point. I'll give you that. I was aiming for crappy dialogue, but I'll concede to your wisdom there".

**Horus:** "Score one for the H-meister!"

**Lorgar:** "Give me a card ..."

**Horus:** "What? Oww ..."

_Horus reluctantly hands over Lorgar a small card with 'Coolness Factor' written on it._

**Lorgar:** "What did I say before we left the Vengeful Spirit III?"

**Horus:** "'We're not reducing this trip to another Merrett-style campy run around the galaxy. Every time I say something daft, cliche, camp, or Lucas-esque in its abuse of the English language and general glurge-i-ness you take a 'Coolness Factor' card away from me'"

**Lorgar:** "Good. Now how many do you have left?"

**Horus:** "Two ..."

**Lorgar:** "But I gave you fifty before we started! You can't have gone through them all already!"

**Horus:** "Well, there was the monologue as we set off, the one just after we entered the Warp, another ten minutes after that, and-"

**Thrall:** "Sir, I hate to interrupt this speech, and I know you're probably going to demonstrate your cliche villain status by killing me for no real reason other than to demonstrate your cliche villain status as soon as I stop talking, but you might want to know we're approaching the Rock".

**Horus:** "How do you know this? The Rock is one of the most secret and hidden locations in the entire Imperium. The Unforgiven only allow those they wish to know the location of the Rock ... to know the location of the Rock ... erm ..."

**Lorgar:** "And the giant mile-high neon sign saying 'The Rock Cafe - 1,000 miles this way' would be ... what? A coincidence?"

**Horus:** "I was just wondering that ..."

**Lorgar:** "I guess they've fallen on hard times, and realised the sheer logistical nightmare of the finances behind running a giant floating space fortress. I'd hate to think of that thing's fuel consumption, not to mention the electricity, heating and Warpband Internet bills they have to pay ... someone people just don't realise how expensive all this cool 'Giant Floating Space Monastary' stuff is!"

**Horus:** "Tell me about it. Dad faxed me the costs of the-" wiggles fingers "-'Heresy' just after we left".

**Lorgar:** "How much?"

**Horus:** "Lets just say I won't be buying a PS3 for a while ..."

**Lorgar:** "I feel for you mate. Helm - bring us around. Follow the giant pink flashing arrow ... I have a feeling something awaits on the other side".

**Horus:** "Hopefully they do milkshakes ... I feel like a strawberry and grox shake ... how about you?"

**Lorgar:** "The blood of innocents ... served with a little Hawaiian umbrella ..."

_Meanwhile, just under one thousand miles away ..._

**Watcher in the Dark:** "They approach ... kupo"

**Azrael:** "Do they? Have you found the Lion yet?"

**Watcher in the Dark:** "He is still missing ... my brothers are searching for him as we speak ... kupo"

**Azrael:** "Hurry, we must prevent them accomplishing their mission ..."

_Back onboard the_ Ultimate Badass ...

**Lorgar:** "There it is!"

**Horus:** "How did we not see something so large until now?"

**Lorgar:** "Spot check penalties are exponential, I only get a +17 Wisdom bonus on my roll".

**Horus:** "Good point ..."

**Thrall:** "Sir, I hate to disturb your musings once again and I stand well aware of my shortening life span due to your all-round evil that will probably offer my soul as a sacrifice to the dark gods as soon as I stop speaking, but I have the Rock traffic control on line one, shall I put them through to speaker-phone?"

**Horus:** "Of course".

**Thrall:** "Not going to kill me?"

**Horus:** "What? No"

**Thrall:** wanders off, muttering "That's twice now. What kind of evil overlord does he think he is?"

**Rock Traffic Control:** "Unidentified vessel, you are approaching Rock space ... er ... space ... please state your intentions".

**Horus:** "This is Warmaster Horus of the _Ultimate Badass_! Which I am ... incidently ..."

**Lorgar:** "You named the ship just for that one-liner didn't you?"

**Horus:** "What if I did? We demand to see the Lion - I know he's just sleeping that hangover off!"

**Rock Traffic Control:** "You are mistaken ... the Lion slumbers in a place we cannot enter to recover from the wounds inflicted upon him by the arch-traitor Luthor ..."

**Horus:** "No, he and Luthor got drunk and blew Caliban up, but your version's cooler so we can roll with that if you want".

**Rock Traffic Control:** "I'd rather ... we're quite happy with most of the universe believing half of the Legion turned traitor and destroyed our homeworld, not that our Primarch had a drunken accident with a Giga-Fusion Device foolishly designed with an easy-to-press-large-red button".

**Horus:** "Well ... unless we're allowed inside ... I'm going to have to tell the universe. I can see it now ... WNN exclusive ... 'Primarch's Dark Secrets Revealed!'"

**Rock Traffic Control:** "That's enough blackmail ... you can come aboard ..."

**Lorgar:** "Nice one ... have a 'Coolness Factor' card".

**Horus:** grins

_Moments later, after exiting the ramp into the dark bowels of the Rock, Horus and Lorgar walk down endless corridors, mysteriously deserted and oozing evil malevolence ..._

**Horus:** "Wait ... I thought **we **were the evil ones?"

**Lorgar:** "No, we're Chaos. We embrace all morality and discard it as restrictive organisational boundaries established to bring order to a chaotic emotional state of sentient existence".

**Horus:** "Wait ... we embrace it **and **discard it?"

**Lorgar:** "How else can we talk about being evil yet not believe any of it?"

**Horus:** "That didn't make much sense to me either ..."

**Lorgar:** "I hope we don't trigger another random encounter ..."

**Horus:** "Don't worry I'm wearing No Encounter armour"

**Lorgar:** "Well that explains the lack of anybody"

**Ominous Latin Chanting:** "Estuans interius ira vehementi ..."

**Horus:** "What was that?"

**Lorgar:** "Wait ... I know this!"

**Ominous Latin Chanting:** "Estuans interius ira vehementi ... EL'JONSON!"

_Suddenly a large figure descends from the darkness above and lands before the two Primarchs._

**Lorgar:** "I thought I recognised that music! It's El'jonson's theme tune _One Wing Angle_!"

**Lion El'jonson:** "Greetings ... brothers ..."

**Horus:** "Lion! Long time no see! Nice black leather!

**Lorgar:** "Nice katana!"

**Horus:** "And was your hair always this long ... and pale?"

**Lion:** "We do not ... have the time ... to talk ..."

_With a speed that defies logic, Lion spins round to parry the blow of Azrael, who has also appeared from seemingly nowhere to attack Lion._

**Lorgar:** "For the love of ... I have got to put more ranks in Spot!"

**Azrael:** "Lion! I cannot let you leave!"

**Lion:** "You have ... no choice ... I will not ... be reduced ... to a memory ..."

**Azrael:** "But if the galaxy finds out! I'll never be able to look Logan in the eye again next pub drink-up!"

**Lion:** "The shame is ... my burdon ... to bear ... not yours ..."

**Azrael:** "No! I will not allow it! I have a reputation!"

**Lion:** "As do I ... that is why ... I must save ... the galaxy ..."

_Our heroes are suddenly surrounded by dozens of small, robed figures._

**Watcher in the Dark 1:** "We cannot allow that Lion! ... kupo"

**Lorgar:** "Wait ... what?"

**Watcher in the Dark 2:** "Agreed. The Fish of Time must not be found! Otherwise all that we have worked for will be in vain! Kupo!"

**Horus:** "Who the hell are they?"

**Azrael:** "Watchers? What's this you speak of? Fish of Time? Have you your own agenda?"

**Watcher in the Dark 3:** "Of course, kupo"

**Watcher in the Dark 2:** "You're a fool Azrael ... kupo!"

**Lorgar:** "Kupo? You're _Moogles_?"

_The head Watcher throws back his hood, revealing the dreaded red pom-pom of DOOM!_

**Watcher in the Dark 1:** "That's right kupo!"

**Horus:** "When did this become a _Final Fantasy_ crossover fic?"

**Watcher in the Dark 2:** "We've been waiting thousands of years, slowly putting together our master plan!"

**Watcher in the Dark 1:** "Ahem ..."

**Watcher in the Dark 2:** "Oh sorry ... KUPO!"

**Azrael:** "What evil plan do you small bundles of diabolic cuteness have to unleash?"

**Watcher in the Dark 1:** "To bring into this universe the greatest pacifier known to man ... the power of CHIBI! ... kupo"

_Collective gasps of horror are heard from the Primarchs and Chapter Master._

**Horus:** "You evil creatures!"

**Watcher in the Dark 1: **"Indeed, and soon you too shall squeal 'SO KAWAII!' before our overwhelming cuteness! Kupo!"

**Horus: **"NEVER! This is a grim and dark universe, and with the powers invested within me by British pessimism it shall remain so! In the grim darkness of the forty-first millennium, there is no room for cute ... there is only **WAR!**"

**Lorgar: **"Have another card ..."

**Horus: **"Cheers".

**Watcher in the Dark 1: **"We shall see ... KUPO! MWAHAHAHA!

_Meanwhile ... on Terra ..._

**DECEIVER: **Have we secured the Plot Device?

**Necron Lord: **"Yes, my lord. The Webway Gate has been activated and its energies stabilised with our superior technology".

**DECEIVER: **Excellent. I cannot enter the Webway, so I entrust this mission to you. Seek out the Black Library, and obtain for me the ULTIMATE WEAPON!

**Necron Lord: **"As you wish ... my lord"

_We shall now leave our heroes on this cliffhanger, will they triumph over the power of chibi? How are the other five teams doing? What is the Great C'tan Masterplan? Will Horus find his arms? Will the Emperor reclaim Terra? All these question, and a few more, will be unnecessarily answered in the next few chapters!_

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER THIRTEEN*** = = = = = = = = 

Bloody hell, getting this chapter posted was a nightmare. Talk about unlucky thirteen!


	14. Chapter XIV

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S  
= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER FOURTEEN*** = = = = = = = =

**Thought for the Day: **You don't want to be thinking; we don't pay you to think.

_After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and their Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to combat the greatest evil known to the Warhammer 40,000 universe - the Forces of Retcon and their harbingers, the C'tan._

Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the Gates of Varl carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch Carl of the Eleventh Legion, the Fear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the C'tan by obtaining the only canon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star Gods when they were young (and without their undying servants) - the Fish of Time!

_We now join Vulkan, Roboute and Alpharious as they head towards the fabled Fields of Glory aboard the mighty capital ship _Ultra Hammer_, on loan from the Ultramar fleet._

**Alpharious: **"Rob, can this thing get any more ... garish?"

**Roboute: **"Man, if you don't like ma pimp'd-up mega-hammer grox-off mother-lovin' super-flash low-drivin' seat of **style**, then you can get your sorry ass off at the next gas station".

**Alpharious: **"Rob, I probably **own** the next gas station".

**Roboute: **"Say what?"

**Vulkan: **"Rob-"

_Who's that cool-ass Primarch  
who's a sex machine to all the chicks?_  
_(Vulkan!)_  
_You're damn right ..._

**Vulkan: **"Man, there's a time and a place. Not when a brother's trying to make a point, you cool?"

_Sorry ..._

**Vulkan: **"Hey, it's cool. As I was saying, Rob, Alpharious here has spent the time since the Heresy doing proactive deeds for the greater good of Humanity. Al?"

**Alpharious: **"During the Great Crusade I bought major shares in all Remembrancer Warp Networks, which I then sold before the beginning of the Heresy and used the money to buy Grenade manufacturing plants, this being the time of 2nd Edition. I sold off all my Grenade manufacturing plants before the release of 3rd Edition in exchange for Rhino manufacturing plants which, needless to say, earned me more money. Using this money I bought major shares in Autocannons which weren't popular at the time, but after the release of the 4th Edition Codex: Space Marines began to earn major bucks; a little known fact being that Assault Cannons are several Autocannons tied together with a rotating self-loading mechanism. I made a little side-cash selling off Basilisks to Iron Warrior clans in the dying days of the 3.5 Codex thanks to little info gathered from my sources about the upcoming replacement Codex, which also led to me buying shares in Vindicator technology, knowing that the tank would be a popular choice for both sides".

**Roboute: **"This is all cool, man, but the question must be asked - what does this have to do with gas stations?"

**Alpharious: **"Oh ... I bought them just before the Gothic War when someone tipped me off that starship fuel might be in high demand".

**Vulkan: **"So how much does my brother Alpharious have growing in the bank?"

**Alpharious: **"I could probably buy most of the Imperium".

**Vulkan: **"Hot damn ..."

**Roboute: **"So why don't you?"

**Alpharious: **"I make more money renting it out".

**Roboute: **"You **rent** the Imperium out?"

**Alpharious: **"Yup. Where do you think Imperial Tithes go?"

**Roboute: **"So what are you going to do with all that cash?"

**Alpharious: **"Get into the GW hobby. That's what happens after forty thousand years of unchecked price inflations".

**Vulkan: **"Why not just buy the company and get the models free?"

**Alpharious: **"If you could find me another Imperium I might do just that".

**Vulkan: **"Hell, the rate this fic is going, we might see parallel dimensions showing up!"

**Roboute: **"Why not just buy Warmachine instead?"

_**WARMACHINE - PLAY LIKE YOU'VE GOT A PAIR!**_

**Vulkan: **"What the hell was that?"

**Alpharious: **"Someone say Warmachine again ..."

_**WARMACHINE - PLAY LIKE YOU'VE GOT A PAIR!**_

**Alpharious: **"No need, that worked".

**Vulkan: **"Kindly don't do that again. You could kill a Squiggoth with the testosterone packed into that slogan".

**Alpharious: **"Agreed. We may be Primarchs, but there's a limit to the bravo. Anyway, how far to the Fields of Glory?"

**Flight Lieutenant: **"Two weeks sir"

**Alpharious: **"What?"

**Vulkan: **"Man, do you have Realistic Warp Travel switched on?"

**Flight Lieutenant: **"Oh, sorry sir. Shall I switch it over to Narrative Convenience?"

**Vulkan: **"Do, we're kinda in a hurry".

**Flight Lieutenant: **flicks a switch "We're here sir".

**Roboute: **"Hot damn ... "

**Vulkan: **"Hot-" casts a glare at Roboute "-darn ..."

**Alpharious: **"Well **** me in the **** with a **** in ****** with a ***** up your ***** with ***** on the side".

**Vulkan: **"And what was that all about?"

**Alpharious: **"Sorry, I thought if I peppered random bleeps in that speech it would sound cool. Did I overdo it?"

**Vulkan: **"A little ..."

**Roboute: **"No we're here, I can get the crew together and roll out the hot-damn souped-up rigs we've pulled together on last season of _Pimp my Rhino_".

**Vulkan: **"Someone save me ..."

**Alpharious: **"Sorry, Superman works for me. As do most of the Justice League ..."

**Vulkan: **"Anything you don't own?"

**Alpharious: **"That" he points towards the desert world beneath them

**Vulkan: **"Yeah. Some 'Fields' of Glory down there"

**Roboute: **"I'm betting there's Sandworms ..."

**Alpharious: **"Now **there's** an original concept".

**Vulkan:**"Enough kids, it's time to roll out".

_Several hours and one bad landing later ..._

**Alpharious: **"Where did you get that pilot?"

**Roboute: **"Around ..."

**Alpharious: **"Hmm ... ?"

**Roboute: **"OK, he was ma hair sylist - I told him he could fly my rig next time I took it out for a spin ..."

**Alpharious: **"Well .. good job he's dead ... otherwise I would have killed him myself".

**Roboute: **"Hey, chill man. It's all cool. Relax, man ..."

**Vulkan: **"Now I'd had it with you and your 'wanna be a black guy' attitude. You're **not** a black man; you're a pasty white dude who **wishes** he was black!"

**Alpharious: **"Far be for me to interrupt this argument, which is approaching dangerous grounds surprisingly fast, but we're Space Marines. We can change the colour of our skin whenever we want. We can be any ethnic group we want - we're the most politically correct fighting force in history!"

**Vulkan: **"A good point my brother, but the fact remains that while you may **look** like a black man, and in this heat we all do, **inside**" beats his chest "you're not".

**Alpharious: **checking himself out in the reflection of his armour "Hmm ... is it a bad thing that I look like Chris Rock?"

**Vulkan: **"Probably, considering you looked like Tom Cruise five minutes ago".

**Roboute: **"Now **that's** an improvement".

**Vulkan: **"This we agree on. Anyway, drop the charade man, I remember when you used to be all stoic and serious. What happened man?"

**Roboute: **"It was a horrifying experience ... so many years ago ..."

**Alpharious: **"Wait ... are we having a flashback?"

**Vulkan: **"Not if I have any say in it. Tell us here, in the now, Rob".

**Roboute: **"Fine. It doesn't matter anyway. I challenge you Vulkan?"

**Vulkan: **"What?"

**Roboute: **"A challenge; I'll prove to you you're not the only token black guy in this family!"

**Vulkan: **"... what?"

**Roboute: **"We'll settle this like men! I challenge you ... to a drag race!"

**Vulkan: **"What?"

**Roboute: **"Do you accept?"

**Alpharious: **"What? Now? Guys, we have a universe to save!"

**Vulkan: **"Very well. Challenge accepted!"

**Alpharious: **"This is crazy!"

**Robute: **"Higgins, get the Blue Mobile ..."

_A Space Marine salutes, then runs off to the landing craft. A short while later, a Rhino decked out with far more fur and neon lights than should be legal rolls down the ramp in front of the Primarchs. _

**Roboute: **"Introducing the Blue Mobile, a super-hotrod pumped-up snizz-snazz cool-road wheel-turning babe-magnet extraordinare! Choose your rig Vulkan!"

**Vulkan: **jerks a thumb over his shoulder "Betty back there".

**Roboute: **"That old thing? What makes you think she stands a chance?"

**Vulkan: **"'cause while you've covered your rig in worthless crap, I replaced the engine with one designed for Salamander scout Chimeras with an in-built nitrogen oxide injector. In short, man; fuzzy dice don't do crap for speed".

**Roboute: **"We shall see ... HIGGINS!"

**Higgins: **"Rhinos, line up on the starting line!"

**Alpharious: **"I can't believe they're doing this ... you're both stupid, I hope you realise this!"

_Who will win? Who cares? Find the answers to these exciting questions in the next few chapters of Primarchs!_

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER FOURTEEN*** = = = = = = = =

**Page 5**

_Stop reading this, you nancy boy. What you need is a badass parody for REAL MEN packed with over the top HARDCORE ACTION and full to the brim with MUSCLE BOUND heroes beating the crap out of each other. A parody with the BALLS to slam your head into the vice and NOT LET GO. A parody that screams I CAN'T GET ENOUGH when you feel tired just looking at the pictures it's taking your mind and SLAMING IT AGAINST THE WALL. What you need is:_

L*I*C*H*E*L*O*R*D*S  
_READ LIKE YOU'VE GOT A PAIR!_


	15. Chapter XV

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S  
= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER FIFTEEN*** = = = = = = = =

**Thought for the Day: **When you face defeat and consider surrendering to the trials the Emperor gives to you, remember the Commissar, and what he will do to your sorry ass if you even **think** about dropping that lasgun. Now that Bloodthirster won't look so scary anymore ...

_After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and their Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to combat the greatest evil known to the Warhammer 40,000 universe - the Forces of Retcon and their harbingers, the C'tan. _

_Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the Gates of Varl carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch Carl of the Eleventh Legion, the Fear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the C'tan by obtaining the only canon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star Gods when they were young (and without their undying servants) - the Fish of Time!_

_As various plots are revealed and the galaxy spirals into a war unlike any it has ever seen (go __GW__ over-hype!), Russ, Magnus and Ferrus head to the ruins of the Al'cir Craftworld, hanging above the dead world of Klerathor. _

**Russ: **"One-eyed sack".

**Magnus: **"Pea-brained lump"

**Russ: **"Nerd"

**Ferrus: **"ENOUGH! I've had to endure you two insulting each other since we left the _Vengeful Spirit III_, and they're not even **good** insults. They're childish and pathetic".

**Russ: **"And you would be what? The insult master?"

**Ferrus: **"As a matter of fact ..."

**Russ: **"Bah" to Magnus "Loser"

**Magnus: **"Smelly"

**Russ: **"Ginger"

**Magnus: **"OK **now** it's personal"

**Ferrus: **"Magnus! Leman! Will you both **shut up!**"

**Russ: **"Or what?"

**Ferrus: **"Or I will spam your inbox with so much rule thirty-four of the **wrong** kind you'll never want to have sex again for the rest of your immortal life"

**Russ: **"..."

**Ferrus: **"That's better, Magnus?"

**Magnus: **"Sure, want my email address?"

**Russ: **"You seriously need to get laid ..."

**Magnus: **"Well if a certain someone hadn't stolen all the girls back in Crusade School ..."

**Ferrus: **"No more warnings guys. Any more, and we're all sitting down for a nice surfing session of Rotton"

_Stunned silence._

**Ferrus: **"Er ... you guys have been in **war zones** ... you've seen mutilated dead corpses right?"

**Magnus: **"From a distance ... but psychic mega death blasts generally don't leave anything behind to post on questionable web sites".

**Russ: **"I maintain a strict no-looking-at-the-corpses policy when fighting".

**Ferrus: **"I can't believe it ... you're all a bunch of wimps. Either that or too much /b/ had desensitised me to the horrors of the galaxy. No wonder they use it for Grey Knight training".

**Magnus: **"That explains their obsession with cats, and white ones in particular ..."

**Ferrus: **"Oh! It's Caturday!" _Ferrus spins around in his chair to face his ninja-PC of quad-core awesomeness (with eight-way parallel graphics cards and more RAM than you could shake a Titan at). _"I need more lolcatz! MORE LOLCATZ!"

_A hassled looking aid runs up. She's the typical hollywood computer nerd; she would look incredibly hot if she took off her glasses and let her hair down. _

**Typical Hot Female Nerd: **"Sir, we're having difficulty connecting to a server from our location. Something about the planet below seems to be interferring with the wireless"

**Magnus: **"Is it the planet, or the craftworld? We should see it soon over the horizon"

**Russ: **"Why did we exit the Warp on the complete opposite side of the planet to the craftworld we want to visit?"

**Ferrus: **"For dramatic digital camera shots that I could take and post on every image board I frequent, just so my fellow anonymous can declare their envy of me"

**Magnus: **"Brother, you're a Primarch. You're made of win and awesome anyway. Why do you need more praise?"

**Ferrus: **"I need **Nerd** praise Magnus! Not respect from the common jock and fellow uneducated masses! I need praise from those who matter, the ones who rule nations and become chairmen of multi-billion credit software companies! I need their praise, Magnus! Praise of people like me!"

**Magnus: **"I know I've never understood computers, or why you would want to download books instead of having beautiful hard-bound copies with sweet-smelling leather jackets you could pour through on rainy afternoons ..." _Shakes his head to break himself out of the dream, and lays a hand on Ferrus' shoulder_. "But as one nerd to another; you have my respect".

**Ferrus: **"Wow, cheers man".

**Russ: **"Are you two finished developing your characters, because the craftworld's in sight?" _He points out the giant stained glass window (cool gothic!) that serves as the viewscreen towards the elegant geometry of the distant craftworld, now peaking above the horizon of the dead world beneath_.

**Ferrus: **"I see it. We should be within communications range in ... now actually. When did you upgrade the comms Fred?"

**Typical Hot Female Nerd (Winifred, aka 'Fred'): **"I fine-tuned the flux capacitor and upgraded the quantum string dimension filter while simultaneously hybridising the two filament generators to emit tachyon pulses in sinc with the dilithium matrix".

**Magnus: **"Cool".

**Russ: **"What the hell did she just say? I ask the two big nerds here ..."

**Ferrus: **"She made the talky-thing work better"

**Russ: **"Witchcraft!"

**Ferrus: **"No, just the latest AdMech technology, Fred here's their best techpriest".

**Magnus & Russ: **"You're a Techpriest?"

**Russ: **"But lassy, you're _hot_! You could do without the glasses and you might want to change your hair ... but you're hot! Most Techpriests I've seen have too much cybernetics in all the wrong places."

**Fred: **"Er ... cheers. FYI the glasses are personal hololithic crystal-stacked viewscreens to supply me with detailed information without having to lug around a flatscreen everywhere, which Ferrus can do because he's a **Primarch**, and I'm not. The hair is practical, I let it down when I'm out partying with my friends. And as for the cybernetics ..." _She opens the thick brown robes she wears to reveal most of her chest has been replaced with various hissing tubes and glowing crystal-stacked displays. _"I'm a Cogitator, these are slave processors to aid mental calculations. I can work on eight to the power twenty six projects at any given time. Then there's the extra hard drive space, which does come in handy ..."

**Ferrus: **"Pron?"

**Fred: **"You wish ..." _She closes the robes. _"Answer your questions?"

**Russ: **"About what underwear you prefer? Definitely. Fred, you've forever changed how I see the AdMech. I thought you were all freaky technology-obsessed nutters. Now I see a whole new side".

**Fred: **"Oh?"

**Russ: **"**Hot** freaky technology-obsessed nutters. Forever changed babe, forever changed".

**Fred: **_turning to Ferrus. _"Do we have to bring him along with us?"

**Ferrus: **"I'm afraid so. I recommended updating your version of IdiotFilter to the latest; it has audio blocking as an option".

**Fred: **"Nice".

_Fred suddenly turns around and bows as a large figure walks up the stairs to the raised podium above the normal hussle of the bridge where the Primarchs bicker. Like Fred, he too is a Techpriest but far less subtle about it, with a dozen mechadendrites that float about and a servo-skull familiar with 'Bob' cut into the forehead that follows around near his head._

**Ferrus: **"Derek!"

**Derek, Xenoarchaeologist: **"My lord Manus, my lords Magnus and Russ, I trust I find you all suitably well with disks defragged and processors running at optimal speeds?"

**Ferrus: **_pats his computer lovingly_ "Defragged her this morning Derek".

**Derek: **"Excellent my lord. Have we contacted the craftworld?"

**Russ: **"Sorry, we forgot after Fred distracted us".

_Fred shoots him a Strength 10 AP1 look._

**Ferrus: **_switching on a small device next to him_. "Calling Craftworld Al'cir, do you hear us? This is the _l77t h1X0r _of the Imperial Navy_. _Craftworld Al'cir, do you hear us?"

_Silence greets them, then settles down to have a cup of coffee._

**Russ: **"Maybe they're all dead?"

**Ferrus: **"Would explain why Eldrad called it the Craftworld of Despair".

**Magnus: **"Excellent, no one would object to us browsing the library then!"

**Russ: **"Is all you ever think about is books?"

**Magnus: **"Is all you ever think about fighting and f- sleeping with women?"

_A small Daemon stirs from where it was sleeping ontop of Ferrus' computer_.

**Daemon: **"That's it mate. Keep it PG-13!"

**Russ: **"Damn Lorgar and his little pets!"

**Daemon: **"Hey, you try being the physical manifestation of Parental Guidance, and we'll see how **you** do enforcing it!"

**Ferrus: **"Go back to sleep ..." _As the Daemon drifts off, he turns back to the Primarchs and Techpriests. _"Prepare a boarding craft, we leave for Al'cir within the hour".

_Meanwhile, back on Terra ..._

**DECEIVER: **"Are our agents in place?"

**Necron Lord: **"Yes, my lord. Our allies within the Adeptus Mechanicus have infiltrated the remaining parts of the organisation still loyal to the Corpse-God. One of our agents is with the Cyclops, the Wolf, and the 177t H4X0r ... I mean the Iron Hand".

**DECEIVER: **"Where are the three?"

**Necron Lord: **"They have arrived at Al'cir, and are boarding it as we speak. They seek the Key of Despair!"

**DECEIVER: **"They shall fail ... all shall fail before us and our glorious masters! Not that you may ever speak their name, but know that the Sorting Algorithm of Evil has more layers above you than just me".

**Necron Lord: **"I am pleased you will not be the final boss fight, my lord".

**DECEIVER: **"No go! Find me the Black Library, find me the ULTIMATE WEAPON!"

**Necron Lord: **"By your command ..."

**DECEIVER: **"Don't do that ..."

_On the other side of the galaxy, Khan, Konrad and Angron approach the Endless Hells of Kith._

**Angron: **"Are those Tyranids?"

**Konrad: **"Are those Zerglings?"

**Angron: **"This should be fun. The bright side is that they seem to be fighting each other. The downside is the Battle Key's somewhere in the middle, and I don't have Jim Raynor's phone number"

**Konrad: **_Unpacking his Assassin-balls_. "What are you afraid of? We're Primarchs!"

**Angron: **"Yeah, but we still only have a 2" kill zone in combat!"

**Konrad: **"Good point. This should be interesting"

_The communication device crackles, and a voice can be heard over the line_.

**Voice: **"hello? Unidentified Imperial vessel, this is Andrew Room! Please help me! They've both trying to kill me!"

**Angron: **"**Very** interesting ..."


	16. Chapter XVI

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S  
= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER SIXTEEN*** = = = = = = = =

**Thought for the Day: **When in Commorragh, do **not** open your door to anyone, even if they claim their innocent girl scouts selling cookies to raise funds for the elderly ... actually **especially** if they claim to be innocent girl scouts.

**Slaanesh: **"Hmm ... girl scouts ..."

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"Just ... just STOP TALKING!"

_After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and their Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to combat the greatest evil known to the Warhammer 40,000 universe - the Forces of Retcon and their harbingers, the C'tan. _

_Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the Gates of Varl carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch Carl of the Eleventh Legion, the Fear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the C'tan by obtaining the only canon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star Gods when they were young (and without their undying servants) - the Fish of Time!_

_In the middle of an inter-species war between the Tyranids and the Zerg, our trio of bloodthirsty heroes - Angron, Konrad, and Khan - find themselves offering shelter for a oddly familiar individual named Andrew Room._

**Angron: **"So why are they **both** trying to kill you?"

**Andrew Room: **"Erm ... no reason ..."

**Angron: **"Now why don't we believe you?"

**Konrad: **"Because he's sweating profusely out of every pore on his body, cannot stay still for a moment, and avoids eye contact whenever he talks to us?"

**Angron: **"Cheers, I knew there were many good reasons as to why we're not believing him"

**Konrad: **"I was talking to Room, Ang, although now I think about it I don't know what made me think you were keeping up with the dialogue".

**Angron: **"With the what?"

**Konrad: **"Dialogue Ang - what we're doing now!"

**Angron: **"Standing around a mortal in a badly lit room trying to get him to tell us why two entire alien species are chasing him - and now us - around a planet?"

**Konrad: **"Yeah ... that ... anyway, Mr Room. We know you're hiding something, and we need you to tell us ... and you will tell us ... because I can be ... **very** persuasive ..."

**Andrew Room: **_Loudly swallows in fright._

_Konrad clicks his fingers, and several Thralls walk in carrying a small TV set which they place before Andrew. Konrad clicks his fingers again, and another Thrall appears carrying a VHS tape. _

**Andrew Room: **"What is this?"

**Konrad: **"You strike me as a sci-fi enthusiast Mr Room, so I'm sure you'll appreciate the joy that is the _Star Wars Holiday Special_".

_Angron and Khan visible wince._

**Angron: **"Dude ..."

**Konrad: **"If you don't tell us what we want ... I'll have it on **repeat**"

**Andrew: **"OK! I'LL TALK! I'LL TALK!"

**Konrad: **"Really? Could we at least watch Carrie Fisher sing?"

**Andrew: **"I'm talking! I'm talking now! I'm not Andrew Room! I'm Andy Chambers!"

**Angron & Konrad: **"Who?"

**Andy Chambers, ex-****40K**** Overfiend: **"Erm ... ex games designer?" _The Primarchs shake their heads, they still don't remember. _"I wrote the Lost and the Damned list?" _they shake their heads again. _"I co-wrote the previous Chaos Codex?" _More shaking of the heads. _"With Pete Haines?"

**Angron: **"HAINES!"

**Konrad: **"Calm down brother, the time will come when we shall have revenge for the Iron Warrior army list, but not now!"

**Andy Chambers: **"So none of you know who I am?"

**Konrad: **"Sorry, we rarely pay attention to who writes the books"

**Andy Chambers: **"Oh" _he's clearly off-put_ "Well, anyway the Tyranids want to eat me for the 3rd Edition Codex, and the Zerg insist I nerfed them for _Starcraft II_"

**Konrad: **"And did you?"

**Andy Chambers: **"So I made Zergling rushes almost impossible. They were like Rhino Rushes; they deserved to die!"

**Angron: **"I say we feed him to the bugs".

**Andy Chambers: **"What?"

_A Thrall comes rushing in ..._

**Thrall: **"Lord Night Haunter ... we have incoming messages from both alien fleets"

**Konrad: **"What? Since when have either of them been sociable? Oh well, everyone to the bridge - except Andy".

_Several minutes later ..._

**Bald Man: **_His image projected on a huge hololithic display. _"I am Magos Baragos, representative of the Hive Mind. We demand the transfer of the being you call 'Andy Chambers' immediately!"

**Spiky-haired woman: **_Her image next to that of Baragos_. "I am Sarah Kerrigan, and as far as you can be concerned I **am **the Overmind. **I **demand the transfer of Andy Chambers to us immediately!"

**Baragos: **"Hands off! We found him first!"

**Kerrigan: **"He works for Blizzard now! Bugger off!"

**Baragos: **"This is **our **universe!"

**Konrad: **"Wait ... wait ... what's the problem here?"

**Baragos: **"Chambers is wanted for crimes against Tyranids - from the 2nd Ed Codex to the 3rd Ed, we demand JUSTICE!"

**Kerrigan: **"Same here! We want the Zergling rush restored to its former power!"

**Baragos: **"Our cause is more just!"

**Kerrigan: **"No it is not!"

**Konrad: **"ENOUGH! Right, we're not interested in Chambers, we merely want the Key of Battle, part of six to open the Gates of Varl. Do you know where it is?"

**Kerrigan: **"Sure, it's on the planet, I would give you the co-ordinates ... if you give me Chambers".

**Baragos: **"She lies! I know the co-ordinates, and I will give Chambers to you for them!"

**Konrad: **"Sound off"

**Thrall: **"Aye sir".

_A little icon at the bottom right of the screen is emptied._

**Konrad: **"Now they can't hear us ... which one Angron?"

**Angron: **"I'm inclined to trust the Tyranids more seeing that they're part of this fictional universe and the Zerg are American wannabies, but on the other hand Sarah's cute with her Zergly arms and all ... what do you think Khan?"

**Khan: **penetrating gaze

**Angron: **"I agree"

**Konrad: **"What did he say?"

**Angron: **"The Zerg. They can bugger off afterwards and leave us with the Tyranids, or maybe the 'nids will follow and they'll feature in a _StarCraft II _expansion pack ..."

**Konrad: **"Agreed ... sound up!"

_The little icon at the bottom right of the screen fills up._

**Kerrigan: **"You think I'm cute?"

**Angron: **"You can lip read?"

**Kerrigan: **"I'm a telepath. So, you will give us Chambers?"

**Baragos: **"What? Oh just because she's got breasts!"

**Konrad: **"Cut him off"

**Thrall: **"Aye sir!"

**Konrad: **"We'll teleport Chambers over to you now ..." _One of the Thralls nods. _"Do you have him?"

**Kerrigan: **"Oh yes, Andy will be enjoying my cooking later"

_A high-pitch scream is heard off-camera._

**Kerrigan: **"I'm transfering the co-ordinates now ... so, big guy, what's your name?"

**Angron: **"Ang-"

**Konrad: **"Later, we've got work to do! Cut her off!"

**Kerrigan: **"Bye Angron! The Meat Cleaver at five sounds perfect! I'll love to see _300_ with you afterwards!"

_Screen flickers off._

**Konrad: **"What the ... ? Oh right ... telepath. I'm impressed - your mind works that fast?"

**Angron: **"Dude, we've already done the pre-main course conversation" _He taps his forehead _"all in here ... all in here man ..." _He starts slowly walking away ... in style ..._ "the Angrinator is back baby ... oooh yeah ..."

**Konrad: **"Heaven help us ... feed the co-ordinates the Spiky-haired one gave us into the system, hopefully we'll get the Battle Key in time for Angron to meet his date and I can finally get back to the pub ... I so need a drink ..."

_Meanwhile ... on the giant fortess lesser mortals call The Rock (unfortunately without Sean Connery in sight ...)_

**Strange Girl: **"So ... they've escaped?"

**Watcher in ... oh sod it - Moogle: **"Yes Queen".

**Strange Girl: **"Excellent, all is proceeding to plan. Let them go, let them find the Oracle of Oblivion and obtain the Final Key. It is all part of my plan. Now go - let us continue to implement the next phase of our plan!"

**Moogle: **"Yes Queen" _The Moogle disappears into the darkness ..._

_Who is this Queen? What is their plan? Will Angron and Kerrigan get to any kind of base whatsoever? What will the kids look like? Who knows? Who cares? All these answers - and (unfortunately) more - await in the following chapters of Primarchs!_


	17. Chapter XVII

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S  
= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER SEVENTEEN*** = = = = = = = = 

**Thought for the Day: **Pie plates do **not** mean tasty food delivery systems in war.

_After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and their Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to combat the greatest evil known to the Warhammer 40,000 universe - the Forces of Retcon and their harbingers, the C'tan._

Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the Gates of Varl carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch Carl of the Eleventh Legion, the Fear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the C'tan by obtaining the only canon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star Gods when they were young (and without their undying servants) - the Fish of Time!

_As the Moogles begin their horrifying plan, the Deceiver begins his own search for a great weapon of certain Plot Resolution, and the Emperor leads the assault force on Terra, the Primarchs edge closer to retrieving the Keys of Carl. Dorn, Perturabo and Corax arrive at the borders of the Great Ork Empire of Garlock in their search for the Key of Hope._

**Corax: **"_I sit here watching the sorrow of life continue, and I wonder what, at the end of it all, is the point? Is life but an endless sea of mistakes to be repeated over and over again? Or are we doomed to never learn from the horrors we commit? 4th Edition seems to prove this ..."_

**Dorn: **"Hey! Shinji! Get your ass over here!"

**Perturabo: **"He's talking to you Corax".

**Corax: **"I gathered, not likely he'll ever talk to you that way despite the two of you apparently being ancient rivals"

**Perturabo: **"Used to be, then they got rid of the Preferred Enemy rules with the latest Codices, so everything's apparently buddy-buddy now with extra flowers and cheese".

**Dorn: **"Tell me about it ... I thought we used to be at **war?"**

**Perturabo: **"Apparently it was a Long War which everyone got bored of after the first five thousand years, so they created the Necrons and Tyranids to give us new things to kill".

**Dorn: **"Ahh ... good times".

**Perturabo: **"Hell yeah ... back when Obliterators were tougher and more numerous, and I had Basilisks in my army ..."

**Corax: **"Well if you guys stopped fighting with such small forces and actually started fielding armies you could use whatever you want ..."

_Small pause ..._

**Perturabo: **"Do you think that's enough advertisement for _Apocalypse_?"

**Dorn: **"Yeah I think we've fulfilled our quote for GW. Right, now that sponsership obligation crap is out of the way, are we there yet?"

**Thrall (possibly the same one as last time): **"Yes sir, the Empire of Garlock is ahead".

**Dorn: **"Open the communications channel" _the Thrall nods_ "ATTENTION ORK WARLORD KNOWN AS GARLOCK! THIS IS ROGAL DORN OF THE IMPERIAL FISTS LEGION!"

**Corax: **whispering "Chapter!"

**Dorn: **"LEGION! WE ARE VERY MUCH A LEGION! WITH EXTRA LEGION-NESS ADDED ON TOP! WITH A LEGION CHERRY!"

**Corax: **"Fine ... ignore me"

**Perturabo: **"He wasn't, that was disagreeing with what you said ..."

**Dorn: **"Did he hear me?"

**Perturabo: **"Corax or Garlock?"

**Dorn: **"No, Asdrubael-frickin'-Vect; of course I meant Garlock"

**Perturabo: **"Oh good, Vect's not supposed to appear for another couple of chapters".

**Dorn: **"Now's not the time to develop a metagaming sense".

**Communications Array: **"Listen ere! We iz DA hard-nuts known to youz stoopid ummies as garlok's boyz! Iz you really DA Primark Rogal Don?"

**Dorn: **"Rogal **Dorn**, but yes ... I am".

**Communications Array: **"Good, cus I iz Garlock, an I don talk to anythink with less than twenty karacter levels".

**Dorn: **"I'm Epic, through-and-through. So broken, I make the baby Jesus cry ... if the baby Jesus played D&D ... which might not go down well in some parts ... I should probably stop there ..."

**Perturabo: **"Who's Jesus anyway?"

**Dorn: **"One of dad's old personalities. Back when he started religions for kicks, before he became serious and adopted the whole 'Imperial Truth' crap".

**Perturabo: **"Before our time then ..."

**Garlock: **"I izn't interested in no baby Jezus or whatever. I iz interested in youz, and what youz is doing inside my turf!"

**Dorn: **"We're here to obtain the Key of Hope, nothing more, nothing less".

**Garlock: **"Well ... that's too bad innit?"

**Dorn: **"I'm sorry?"

**Garlock: **"Just soz appens I'm in a new shonen manga, and youz knows what appens in shonen mangas?"

**Dorn: **"Pointless series of rediculous power-ups with no end in sight as long as the audience keeps buying, _Dragonball Z_-style?"

**Garlock: **"Gotcha. Ma publisher wants me to find someonez uber enuff for me to beat and get a big-ass power-up from it. Soz I sit around and think for a bit, cause no one around here's big enuff for me anymorez, then YOU turn up in your big fancy ship and youz is PRIMARCH, soz I think - RATINGS TIME Garlock! New story arc! Should be fun!"

**Dorn: **"I don't exactly have the time, and you're not exactly the opponent I'm looking for. You're an Ork Warboss, I'm a Primarch. It won't be fair".

**Garlock: **"Really? Cus the way Iz see it iz that a Boss almost killed your Emperor, and your Emperor iz arder than you ... soz that makes us bosses arder than Primarchs by uver nine THAAASAAAND!"

**Dorn: **"Oh ... good point. What was dad doing?"

**Garlock: **"Gettin beaten!"

**Dorn: **"Yeah alright we get the message. Point taken. Background Fluff contradicting itself as always. I'm supposed to be dead from old age, but apparently I'm immortal. Go figure. Alright Garlock, we'll give you an epic battle to cover the next few episodes but we want in the Key of Hope in return ... agreed?"

**Garlock: **"Gotcha! I'll let you in!"

**Perturabo: **"Let us in? This is space? How are you going to stop us? There's three dimensions! Unless you have a giant sphere around your empire!"

**Garlock: **"Pretty much ... notice anythink different? Like a lack of something you normally see?"

**Dorn: **"Now you mention it I don't see many stars around ..."

**Garlock: **"Thatz because my empire's in the way!"

**Corax: **"It's a Dyson Sphere guys ..."

**Perturabo: **"What ... it's a giant hoover?"

**Corax: **"No stupid, it's a giant sphere around a sun, the empire of Garlock's probably inside the sphere"

**Garlock: **"That emo kidz got it!"

**Corax: **"What? Oh how comes the xenos get to make fun as well? You're supposed to be my brothers - stand up for me!"

**Perturabo: **"Why? The Ork's right ... and Orks are cool, so we're not going to argue with anything they point out".

**Dorn: **"I didn't know you were a Greenie!"

**Perturabo: **_Opens armour chest plate to reveal a green t-shirt underneath with 'I iz Green Inside!"_ _on it in white writing._ "Got the membership pack after the latest Codex"

**Dorn: **"I've been a fan since 2nd Ed"

**Perturabo: **"Whatever ..."

_As they bicker the space outside splits open and reveals a huge door. _

**Dorn: **"Helm, take us into the Dyson Sphere!"

**Perturabo: **"Excellent, we're getting some action for our Key, wonder how the rest are doing?" 

_Meanwhile ..._

**Angron: **"So ... how was that for you?"

**Kerrigan: **_shifts slightly from where she lies on the bed next to Angron. _"I never usually on the first date ... but you were just so-" 

**Perturabo:** "Oh for crying out loud! Angron? WHY? FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY WHY DOES ANGRON GET SO LUCKY?"

**Dorn: **"Because you're a table-top wargamer ..."

_The Primarchs look at the reader ..._

**Perturabo: **"Smart move Dorn ... smart move ..."

_After insulting our readers what will Perturabo and Dorn do? What about Corax? Who cares about him anyway? Find out the answers to these gripping questions in the next chapters of Primarchs!_


	18. Chapter XVIII

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S  
= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER EIGHTEEN*** = = = = = = = =

**Thought for the Day: **Behold the Catachan Toad! It's built-in evolutionary defense mechanism to to annihilate both itself and vast tracts of the Catachan jungle! Why the hell isn't Catachan a wasteland by now?

_After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and their Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to combat the greatest evil known to the Warhammer 40,000 universe - the Forces of Retcon and their harbingers, the C'tan._

Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the Gates of Varl carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch Carl of the Eleventh Legion, the Fear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the C'tan by obtaining the only canon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star Gods when they were young (and without their undying servants) - the Fish of Time!

_As various plans are put into motion, and our heroes march onwards in their quest, the last group, that of Mortarion, Sanguinius and Fulgrim head towards the legendary Daemonworld of Ibris for the Key of Desire!_

**Mortarion: **"Why's it legendary?"

**Fulgrim: **"Ever wonder who seeds all the torrented porn on the Warpnet?"

**Mortarion: **"No"

**Fulgrim: **"Oh ... well they do"

**Mortarion: **"That it? Nothing awesome like 'resting place of great evil', or 'hosts eternal battles between great Daemon Lords of old', or 'will feature in the next Uriel Ventris novel'?"

**Fulgrim: **"Nope. Just miles and miles of high-speed servers"

**Mortarion: **"This planet's boring ... if anyone needs me I'll be in the back writing poetry"

**Sanguinius: **"We won't need you, don't worry"

**Mortarion: **"Oh ... well ... good"

_Mortarion heads off, leaving the other two Primarchs standing beside a large hololithic projection map that takes up a good portion of the astronavitorium. Several Thralls and Imperial Navy crew stand side-by-side sharing foul looks with each other while comparing fan-made stats and rules._

**Sanguinius: **"Right, now that emo kid's been removed from the scene lets get down to business. Eldrad said the Key might be somewhere on this world"

**Fulgrim: **"Makes sense - Key of Desire, a planet full of Slaanesh-worshipping sex addicts? Makes sense to me"

**Sanguinius: **"Which is why it's probably not on there"

**Fulgrim: **"We won't know until we look ... thoroughly of course ..."

**Sanguinius: **"Indeed ... very thoroughly ... every corner ... down every sofa ..."

**Fulgrim: **"Sofas ... yeah ... "

_There is an uncomfortable silence._

**Sanguinius: **"So ..."

**Fulgrim: **"Now you're corporeal and no longer a psychic projection ..."

**Sanguinius: **"A break might be in order ... just a little one ... a small relaxing 'welcome back to the living' celebration ..."

**Fulgrim: **"And I could do with meeting my daily Slaaneshi worship quota ... having been pursuing much excess lately ..."

**Sanguinius: **"Faith is the most important aspect in a man's life Fulgrim, pursue it rigidly"

**Fulgrim: **"Indeed ..."

**Mortation: **_Calling from just outside the room. _"If you guys want to go off and have lots of sex I can look for the Key by myself ... guys? Guys?" _Mortation pokes his head into the room, only to find it empty. _"Wow ... that was fast ..." 

_Meanwhile, on the Fields of Glory ..._

**Roboute: **"Come on! Pump that engine baby!"

**Alpharious: **_Hanging onto the side of Roboute's pimped-up Rhino. _"Well that was an interesting comment to make after the scene transition ..."

**Roboute: **"What man? Stop talkin', I'm driving!"

_The Rhino steers around a corner, hugging the edge of the drop into the canyon below. _

**Alpharious: **"Why did I choose your Rhino? Vulkan's looked safer!"

**Roboute: **"It's safer 'cause it slow man! I'll win this race no problem - just you see!"

**Alpharious: **"Watch out for that rock monster!"

_Bang._

**Roboute: **"What rock? Hey ... why are we slowing down man?"

**Alpharious: **"It's wedged in the front of the Rhino! It's digging its heels in! It's trying to stop the vehicle!"

**Roboute: **"Here man, take this Melta gun and try and melt him free"

**Alpharious: **"Do rock monsters feel pain?"

**Roboute: **"It will if it loose me my race man!"

**Alpharious: **"Alright" _Starts blasting at the frightened rock monster with the Melta Gun. _"I think it's screaming ..."

**Roboute: **"No man, that's just my pumped-up mega-fast turbo-smooth sup-in-you-face engine"

**Alpharious: **"No ... I think the rock monster's screaming"

**Roboute: **"And I'm telling you it's ma engines! Here, give me the gun and I'll do it!"

**Alpharious: **"Then who's driving?"

**Roboute: **"You are!"

**Alpharious: **"What?" _Grabs the wheel._ "What the hell? I can't drive!"

**Roboute: **"You're a Parimarch!"

**Alpharious: **"That doesn't mean I know how to drive! I do sneaky! I'm a very sneaky person! I don't do driving!"

**Roboute: **"Just turn the wheel in the direction of the finish line!"

**Alpharious: **"Where is it!"

**Roboute: **"It's the big white flag!"

**Alpharious: **"The one with the green Rhino parked under it?"

**Roboute: **"Yeah ... WAIT WHAT?"

_In the distance a lone figure in green armour waves casually towards them._

**Roboute: **"Son of a ... WATCH THE ROAD!"

**Alpharious: **"WHAT ROAD?"

**Roboute: **"IT'S THE PART OF THE CANYON THAT'S FLAT! STAY ON ... oh crap ..."

_Several miles away, Vulkan casually smokes some random plant extract as he watches Roboute's Rhino roll down the canyon. _

**Vulkan: **"Hope he's got insurance ..." 

**Magnus:**"So where is everyone?"

_He looks around him. Where he stands with Ferrus, Russ, and the small team of Techpriests and Space Marines (From all three Chapters/Legions) assembled in the middle of the deserted Craftworld, there is nothing to see but decaying wraithbone and similar psycho-plastic buildings. No one is sight._

**Ferrus: **"If they were going to abandon the place they could have at least put it up for sale on the propety market. I'd love a pad like this. That big building over there would be awesome for a LAN party!"

**Fred: **"Oh yeah ... wraithbone makes for great download speed, we have an in-built network that comes with the place!"

**Russ: **"Do you two think you could stop talking about computers and gaming for one moment?"

**Ferrus & Fred: **"No"

**Russ: **"Grrrr ..."

**Magnus: **"Calm yourself Russ ... we have a Key to find. First guesses of where to look people?"

**Derek: **"That building" _He points at an ominous-looking tower built in the middle of a large plaza._

**Magnus: **"Wait ... this looks similar ... isn't this from _The Subtle Knife_?"

**Russ: **"I don't see no soul-sucking Daemons ..."

**Magnus: **"Well no ... that's the point. And they're Spectres ... the Daemons are something different, and mostly good"

**Russ: **"Daemons are Daemons ... they should all die!"

**Magnus: **"I can see why Daemons Against Malicious Negativity And Terrible Injustice Of Nurglings LOVES you"

**Russ: **"Err ... what?"

**Derek: **"Are we agreed?"

**Magnus: **"What?"

**Ferrus: **"The tower ... yeah it's a good place to start ... lets go"

**Derek: **"Excellent ... he he he"

**Magnus: **"Was that an evil snigger?"

**Derek: **"No it wasn't"

**Magnus: **"'Cause I'm sure I heard evil sniggering ..."

**Derek: **"It was the wind"

**Magnus: **"In a Craftworld?"

**Derek: **"Er ... yes. Wraith-wind. Happens all the time ..."

_As the techpriests and Space Marines head off, Magnus leans close to Ferrus._

**Magnus: **"Careful of Derek, brother. I don't believe he's all he says he is"

**Ferrus: **"You only just noticed? Dude. I've played way too many computer games to trust creepy monotone guys. I'll keep an eye on him. Come on - lets find this Key and get out of this ghost town. It's like _Silent Hill_ meets _Fallout_ around here ... and not in a good way"

_They walk off towards the tower, oblivious to the scuttling menance following them in the shadows of the ruins ..._

**Ferrus: **"Insert creepy music ... and fade to black ..."

_What he said ..._


	19. Chapter XIX

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S  
= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER NINETEEN*** = = = = = = = =  
**Thought for the Day:**Treasure this moment; for tomorrow you could be dead and your soul painfully ravaged by the hellish hordes of the Warp at the command of uncaring Gods!

**Tzeentch: We do care ... okay maybe not about YOU, but we CARE. **

_After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and their Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to combat the greatest evil known to the Warhammer 40,000 universe - the Forces of Retcon and their harbingers, the C'tan. _

_Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the Gates of Varl carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch Carl of the Eleventh Legion, the Fear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the C'tan by obtaining the only canon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star Gods when they were young (and without their undying servants) - the Fish of Time!_

_Within the dead Craftworld of Al'cir, Magnus, Russ, and Ferrus lead a small team of Space Marines (of both gribbly and bland flavours) and Adeptus Mechanicus Tech-priests into the ominous tower at the very centre of the Eldar vessel!_

**Ferrus: **"Actually it's about five miles off the centre"

_Yeah ... but it sounds cooler when I twist the truth somewhat. You must be used to this by now with __GW__ fluff._

**Ferrus: **"Good point. Fred, what are your Super-AdMech TM sense picking up?"

**Fred: **_Various antenna have sprouted from her right arm, and as she gently waves it about strange noises can be heard emanating from it. _"Picking up great hotspots for decent bandwith, my lord. If we stick the router here we can get a decent latency on _Unreal Tournament III_"

**Ferrus: **"Excellent, remember what I told you earlier L-man?"

**Russ: **"Low lag equals happy fragging?"

**Ferrus: **"Damn straight big bro"

**Magnus: **"Actually there's not much evidence to suggest that the numbering of our Legions corresponds to the order in which we were artificially created. It would be logical, but when has dad ever been logical?"

**Russ: **"You mean buggering off to work on his Webway science project instead of finishing the Crusade, just so he could download all the live video porn Commorragh streams daily?"

**Magnus: **"I was thinking of asking you to obliterate Prospero because I accidently broke said Webway science project with a **legitimate** warning of Horus' little galactic domination scheme ... but yeah. Putting porn over the unification of the galaxy was a little screwey"

**Russ: **"That was not legitimate! That was **witchcraft!**"

**Magnus: **"Do I look like Harry Potter?"

**Russ: **"Those books must burn! Tainting our little children with ideas of magic and adventure!"

**Magnus: **"Good Gods, you're impossible ..."

**Ferrus: **"Will you two shut up about bloody Prospero! Magnus, you do know Horus was the one who told Russ to burn it?"

**Magnus: **"What? Since when? No wait ... don't tell me. The new Fluff right?"

**Ferrus: **_Nods._

**Magnus: **"Blood hell ... just when I finally managed to remember all the old stuff they go ahead and bloody change it. Why?"

**Ferrus: **_He shrugs._ "I don't know. Not sure what was wrong with the old stuff. Maybe the thought of you lot falling to Chaos through classic Human failings betrayed ... well your Human sides. As we Primarchs are **obviously** not based upon Human genetic material and are **obviously** super-powered uber-elite **GODS** then we can't fall through things like pride, anger, hate, and fear as Yoda would most likely warn, so we need stuff like **Plot Device Daemon Swords**, **Cliche Evil Lieutenants**, and **Five Second Heel-Faced Turns** done over a single page to turn us to Chaos. It **obviously **makes more sense. Have you finished using me as your ranting mouthpiece Lastie?"

_Yeah ... that'll do for now. I'll continue to take my medication._

**Ferrus:** "OK, guys you can come up now the Author Filibuster as ended"

**Magnus: **"Thank the Gods for that ... I'll deal with Horus later, but you still owe me a planet Russ"

**Russ: **"I owe you nothing!"

**Fred: **"Russ ... give him a planet or I'll tell the universe what the girls in the Munitorium department told me before we set out. It involves a certain something ... and size of certain something ... get me?"

**Russ: **_Visibly shaken._ "Erm ... yeah. A planet ... let me work on that one OK?"

**Magnus: **"Do so" _Smiles at Fred. _"Thank you my dear"

**Fred: **_Smiles back. _"Anytime"

_As she walks off, following the head Marines and Derek, Ferrus nudges Magnus with his elbow. _

**Ferrus: **"Get in there!"

**Magnus: **"Ferrus please ... I'm turning red ... er ..."

**Ferrus: **"At least you match your hair now ..."

= = = = = = = =

**Perturabo: **"Magnus now? Oh you are just taking the-"

= = = = = = = =

**Ferrus: **"Hear that?"

**Magnus: **"What? Perturabo moaning about his non-existent love life?"

**Ferrus: **"No, that scratching sound ..."

_They pause on the steps leading to the great tower door. Looking around, they see nothing but the dead city of the Craftworld._

**Russ: **"I hear it ... claws ... metal of unknown origin ... three feet two inches in length ... keen edge ... "

**Magnus: **"Good hearning ... what does the nose say?"

**Russ: **_He sniffs the air. _"Someone's got bad morning breath ..."

**Derek: **"My apologies ... I forgot to floss ..."

**Russ: **"Don't worry ... Fred's perfume covers it ... hmm ... lavender ... wait! A new scent! Metal ... evil ... glowing plastic rods ... a distinct air of cheese ... NECRONS!"

_The Primarchs pull weapons out from various places (don't ask) as a great metal figure appears wrapped in a shroud of darkness. As he speaks various metallic forms crawl out from beneath the earth. _

**Necron Lord: **"Pitiful Humans. Your defeat is inevitable. Resistance is futile ..."

**Ferrus: **"You will be assimilated?"

**Necron Lord: **"You wish. We just skip to the part where you die in horrifying ways"

**Ferrus: **"Don't worry! We're protected by the filter of PG-13!"

**Magnus: **"I wouldn't be too sure. Remember - Black Library can get away with scenes of gut-wrenching violence-"

**Ferrus: **"Yet no sex or bad language ... what's up with that?"

**Necron Lord: **"Rest assured the violence will be coming ... but not the sex or profanity"

**Russ: **"Don't you miss it?"

**Necron Lord: **"What?"

**Russ: **"The sex"

_The Necrons pause for a moment. _

**Necron Lord: **"Well ... yeah ... but the nigh-invulnerability kinda makes up for it. Besides, I can do this" _He points his Warscythe at the ground and fires, propelling himself up several feet._

**Ferrus: **"Wow! Gauss-jumping!"

**Magnus: **"Hang on. Warscythes don't have in-built Gauss weapons. You're cheating!"

**Necron Lord: **"So what? What are you doing to do about it?"

**Magnus: **"This ..."

Options - Select Edition - Fifth Edition *  
Options - Select Edition - Second Edition *  
Edition Changed!

_Magnus picks up a large bundle of cards. _

**Magnus: **_Huge grin on his face. _"Shall we begin the Psychic Phase?"

**Necron Lord: **"Oh shi-"


	20. Chapter XX

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S  
= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER TWENTY*** = = = = = = = =

**Thought for the Day: **Whatever you do in life, Eldar can do better ... in style ... with extra sex appeal ... and no life isn't fair.

_After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and their Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to combat the greatest evil known to the Warhammer 40,000 universe - the Forces of Retcon and their harbingers, the C'tan._

Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the Gates of Varl carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch Carl of the Eleventh Legion, the Fear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the C'tan by obtaining the only canon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star Gods when they were young (and without their undying servants) - the Fish of Time!

_After settling their disputes with the time-honoured method of drag racing, Roboute Guilliman and Vulkan now remember why they are on the Fields of Glory. _

**Alpharious: **"Are we ready now to find the Glory Key?"

_Roboute cries as his beloved Rhino is lifted up by the servitors from where it had crashed at the bottom of the canyon. _

**Vulkan: **"Easy man ... she had a good life ..."

**Roboute: **"My rig! She was a one-of-a-kind!"

**Vulkan:** "I know man ..."

**Alpharious: **"And it's bloody great, 'cause we won't see anything like it again"

_Before Roboute could turn and tear Alpharious apart ... again ... I think ... whatever ... a loud scream heralds the Rhino exploding._

**Alpharious: **"Take cover!"

**Vulkan: **"Where? We're on a flat plain desert! The only cover is jumping down the canyon!"

**Alpharious: **"Screw that. We're Primarchs anyway. We have a 2+ Armour Save! What could hurt us?"

**Roboute: **"Wow. That's a pretty blue cork-screw effect that shot made. What is it?"

**Alpharious: **"Blue cork-screw? RAILGUNS!"

**Roboute: **"THE STROGG!"

**Alpharious: **"Er ... no the Tau ..."

**Roboute: **"Oh right ... that's cool then ..." _A shot impacts him in the chest, sending him flying fifty feet back into the Rhino wreckage, scattering servitors and fellow Ultramarines everywhere._

**Alpharious: **"Oh that's **so** made my century ..."

_Several Broadsides, accompanied by six Devilfish and an equal number of Firewarrior teams, approaches the Marines._

**Tau Shas'vre: **"Attention Imperial dogs! We of the glorious People's Tau Empire demand an explanation for your filthly imperialistic presence on glorious state ground!"

**Alpharious: **"'Filthy imperialists'? You're an **empire!**"

**Tau Shas'vre: **"An unfortunate mistake with translation. It happens, although not as bad as your poor dubbing for our animated exports, but we will deal with 4Children Entertainment later. Now we demand to know why you spoil our people's ground!"

**Vulkan: **"We are here for the Key of Glory xenos! We will not let you, or your humungous mecha get in our way! Stand aside, or be annihilated!"

**Roboute: **_From within the Rhino wreckage._ "Ouch ... Strength 10 **HURTS!** Guys, could you get me out of here? I'm stuck on some Rhino ..."

**Tau Shas'vre: **"The Glory Key will not fall into the hands of Imperial pigs! For the people!"

_The Broadside lowers the Railguns and fires, blasting both Vulkan and Alpharious back. Their Marines open fire, and the two side trade blows._

**Tau Shas'ui Broadside: **"Comrade! The Primarchs have many wounds and are immune to Instant Death!"

**Tau Shas'vre: **"They are only Toughness 5! Our guns wound on a 4+! Keep firing! For the Motherland!"

**Alpharious:** "I've had it with this commie fish! Vulkan - use your Meltagun on the Shas'vre! He's Toughness 4!"

**Vulkan: **"How do you know that?"

**Alpharious: **"I've memorised all the Codices"

**Vulkan: **"I knew Eldrad stuck you with us for a reason ... eat Melta death motherf-" _LOUD BURNING SOUNDS!_ "-er!"

_The Broadside disintegrates into a pile of ash. _

**Shas'ui: **"Comrade Broadside!"

**Vulkan: **"Anyone else want some!"

**Alpharious: **"Quick! Heavy Flamer some of the Firewarrior squads! AP 4, remember?"

_More burning sounds, and screaming, and the smell of fried fish ..._

**Tau: **"We surrender!"

**Vulkan: **"We don't take prisoners from xenos!"

**Alpharious: **"We might want to this time, they could come in handy"

**Vulkan: **"How so?"

**Alpharious: **"They can lead us to the Glory Key"

**Tau Shas'ui: **"It is stored within our main citadel; you will never obtain it!"

**Alpharious: **"I beg to differ. I have not found any fortress that my men cannot infiltrate. Ferrus banned me from playing as the Spy in _Team Fortress_ for good reason ..."

**Vulkan: **"And the Brotherhood of Nod, if I remember correctly ..."

**Alpharious: **"Not my fault he's a noob at RTS"

**Roboute: **"Guys? A little help here?"

**Vulkan: **"You! Tau! You will tell us all Alpharious needs to know about this 'citadel' of yours!"

**Tau Shas'ui: **"Or?"

**Vulkan: **"Or we will force you to talk to Roboute over there for the rest of the day"

**Tau Shas'ui: **_After one look. _"I talk. I talk about anything you want"

**Alpharious: **"Start with its location ..."

_Somewhere in deep space ..._

**Horus: **"So ... the Oracle of Oblivion ..."

**Lorgar: **"Any ideas folks? Unlike everyone else we didn't exactly get a 'ITEM LOCATION HERE' marker on our mini-maps to go by ..."

**Horus: **"The Oracle can wait ... our recent adventure proves to me I need two very important things"

**Lorgar: **"Your arms?"

**Horus: **"Indeed. It's annoying having Thrall stand behind me and pick things up on my behalf ... not to mention somewhat disturbing ..."

**Lion:** "We ... need to find ... a biomancer?"

**Horus: **"Yes, and the best would be Fabius Bile ..."

**Lorgar: **"So where's Bile? I don't remember it being mentioned in the Codex ..."

**Lion: **"One man will know ... he regularly sends Bile fresh meat to work with. Part of their ... 'arrangement' ... if I remember ... correctly ..."

**Lorgar: **"Who's that?"

**Lion: **"Asdrubael Vect ..."

**Horus: **"Oh good Gods ... not him ... anyone but him ..."

**Lorgar: **"Lion's got a point; if anyone knows where anyone in this galaxy is, it's Vect. Gods knows he's slept with half the galaxy anyway ..."

**Horus: **"But he's ... he's so much _cooler_ than me ... "

**Lorgar: **"That's not hard ..."

**Horus: **"What?"

**Lorgar: **"Nothing! So ... how do we get to Commorragh? It's not exactly Rome here ..."

**Lion:** "We don't ... we let Vect come to us ..."

**Lorgar: **"Of course!"

**Horus: **"What? Hey! Don't develop the plot without me!"

**Lion: **"Asrael, may we use your account?"

**Asrael: **"I don't have one ..."

**Lion: **"You're a Dark Angel, of course you have one"

**Horus: **"What's this? What the hell are you guys talking about?"

**Lorgar: **".cmrgh, now in it's fourth edition. Created and run by Vect, apparently the greatest pick-up artist in the universe and all time. Claims he can seduce **anything**, and has probably slept with them all. the site teaches his methods to anyone having trouble attracting women. Needless to say, most of the Dark Angels Chapter has accounts on the site"

**Asrael: **"Here we go ... I've posted a request on the site for a copy of _The Game: Fourth Edition, How to Pick Up Women Both Consensually and Otherwise_ with free personal tip with Vect himself, delivered owe me seventy-seven thousand credits, by the way"

**Lion: **"Noted. He should be here soon ..."

**Asdrubael Vect, Cosmopolitan's No.1 Man You Would Never, in Any Situation, Want to Take Home to Your Meet Your Parents But You'll Date The Hell Out of Him Anyway: **"Talking about me?"

_Screaming fangirls ..._

**Horus: **"Oh good Gods ..."


	21. Chapter XXI

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S  
= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER TWENTY ONE*** = = = = = = = =

**Thought for the Day:** Tyranid problems? Try new Force Bug-Spray! Guaranteed to insta-kill bugs any day of the week! Beware rules laywers.

_After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and their Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to combat the greatest evil known to the Warhammer 40,000 universe - the Forces of Retcon and their harbingers, the C'tan._

Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the Gates of Varl carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch Carl of the Eleventh Legion, the Fear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the C'tan by obtaining the only canon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star Gods when they were young (and without their undying servants) - the Fish of Time!

_Having lost Fulgrim and Sanguinius to the many temptations of Ibris, Mortarion now finds himself along in the search for the Key of Desire!_

_In a night club, somewhere in the capital city of Ibris ..._

**Mortarion: **"_I WALK A LONELY ROAD, THE ONLY ONE THAT I HAVE EVER KNOWN!_"

**Lithe Daemonette:** "Sir, could you stop signing please? You're scaring the customers"

**Mortarion:** "_DON'T KNOW WHERE IT GOES, BUT IT'S HOME TO ME AND I WALK ALONE!_"

**Crab-claws Daemonette: **"How much did he have?"

**Lithe Daemonette:** "Only one shot! He came in here five minutes ago, ordered the strongest stuff available, and now he's like this!"

**Crab-claws Daemonette:** "What did you give him?"

**Lithe Daemonette:** "Just Budweiser, I'm not stupid enough to go straight for the potent stuff for a new customer!"

**Crab-claws Daemonette:** "Budweiser? There's more alcohol in my claw here than in that bottle!"

**Lithe Daemonette: **"But you are holding three bottles of vodka, dear ..."

**Crab-claws Daemonette:** "Yeah ... I know. That's what I said"

**Mortarion: **"_I WALK THIS EMPTY STREET, ON THE BOULEVARD OF BROKEN DREAMS!_"

**Lithe Daemonette: **"Quiet time now dear" _She wraps her arms around him seductively_.

**Mortarion:** _In a drunken slur._ "Do ya want to ere me poitree?"

**Lithe Daemonette:** _Quickly gets off him._ "Oh dear - WE'VE GOT A CODE BLACK!"

_Alarms begin sounding, and customers start running everywhere in panic._

**Mounted Daemonette: **[Author's Note: Ha ha, very funny. I know what you were thinking there] "Everyone please leave via the designated exits, which are marked by the flashing pink signs!"

**Lithe Daemonette:** "What are we going to do with him?"

**Crab-claws Daemonette: **"Wait until the Emo Squad arrives. In the meantime, do not let him leave your sight".

**Lithe Daemonette:** "Where are you going?"

**Crab-claws Daemonette:** "Elsewhere ... erm ... good luck ..."

_He shuffles off, side-ways, out of the night club._

**Lithe Daemonette: **"Come back here you cheap plastic git! Argh! Those models sucked anyway ..."

**Llama:** "You think you've got problems ..."

**Lithe Daemonette:** "Sir, you should have left with the others ..."

**Llama:** "Over a fething emo Primarch? I've got better things to do with my infinite time, like wallow in depression ..."

**Mortarion:** "Whazz's wrong with yoo then?"

**Llama: **"Oh I used to be a all-powerful God way back when ... then of course, as is the way with GW, when the Fluff got re-written I was lost. So I joined up with the Loser Club with those Illuminati, Sensei, and bloody Squats, before I realised I was a bigger loser than they all were. So now I'm here wallowing in my infinite depression trying to get drunk, which I can't incidently, and taking long and slow trips down memory lane ..."

**Mortarion:** "I twavel the univuss to find somewon more depwessed than me ... and it tuns ouw to be a camel with a God complex ..."

**Llama:** "Llama"

**Mortarion:** "Whatever ..."

**Llama:** "So what's your problem?"

**Mortarion:** "I got dumped"

**Lithe Daemonette:** "Oh you poor thing ..."

**Mortarion: **"My fwends left me for sex. Why? Waz up with that?"

**Lithe Daemonette:** "They didn't invite you to join them?"

**Mortarion:** "Na. They all selfiss! Selfiss!"

**Llama:** "I think the Primarch will take some coffee, as will I"

**Lithe Daemonette:** "Ok ... coffee ... where's the coffee ...?"

**Llama:** "So, little Primarch. What's your name?"

**Mortarion: **"Morrtreeon"

**Llama: **"So Mort, what brings you to Ibris, other than the obvious?"

**Mortarion:** "Key of Desire ... need it to opin the Gates of Val"

**Llama:** "Gates of Varl you say? Hmm ... are you by chance looking for the Fish of Time?"

**Mortarion:** "Yeh ... fish o tim"

**Llama:** "You know the Fish of Time can also grant the power to alter history? Change what has happened and remake the universe into whatever you wish by altering the flow of time and the events that have happened?"

**Mortarion:** "No"

**Llama:** "Oh ... well it can do that. Which would be very handy for me. With the Fish of Time, I can go back to being a God!"

**Mortarion:** "And that will stop you being depwessed?"

**Llama:** "Oh yes, indeed it will. He he he ... ha ha ha ... HAH HAH HAH ... MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

**Lithe Daemonette:** "That's such a great maniacal laughter Mr. Llama! Here's you coffee people"

_Sirens can be heard from outside._

**Llama: **"What's that?"

**Lithe Daemonette:** "Oh that's probably the Emo Squad here to liquidise you two before you spread negative feelings around, that's Nurgle territory you see ... oh ... sorry"

**Llama:** "What? We need to get out of here! Quick! You! Daemonette! Where the exit!"

**Lithe Daemonette:** "I can't let you go!"

**Llama:** "Tell me or I'll spit! And that'll **seriously** ruin the complexion!"

**Lithe Daemonette: **"This way! I'll show you!"

**Llama:** "You'll lead us?"

**Lithe Daemonette: **"If they find out I let you go they'll kill me anyway! In a really **boring** way, which would be dreadful!"

**Llama:** "Lead the way ... come on Mort"

**Mortarion: **"Werez we going?"

**Llama:** "To find the Key of Desire, and then the Fish of Time! And I shall be a God once again!"

**Mortarion: **"Coolz ..."

_Meanwhile ..._

**Vect:** "So there was me, this Banshee, and a Carnifex ..."

**Lorgar:** "STOP THERE! We've quite had enough of your tales to last another Age of Strife. I thought the sites Ferrus visits were bad ..."

**Vect: **"I probably run most of them"

**Lorgar: **"QUIET! THERE! IS! NO! MORE! TALKING!"

**Horus:** "Except after the following question: where's Bile? We need to find him"

**Vect:** "For the arms yes? Can't please anybody with no arms, unless you're good with your feet, although tongue does quite nicely-"

**Lorgar:** "PG-13! Vect! PG-fething-13!"

**Vect:** "Just saying ..."

**Lorgar: **"Stop saying! Stop talking! Stop making noise!"

**Vect:** _Leans forward and places a hand on Lorgar's shoulder._ "Loved your books man"

**Lorgar: **"I said ... wait. You did?"

**Vect: **"Hell yeah. Smooth and stylish, you convinced me man. You made me a believer. I stand here a change man and I believe it's down to you".

**Lorgar: **"Wow .. er ... thanks"

**Vect: **"You've got to tell me what goes on in that mind of yours ..."

**Lorgar: **"Well-"

**Vect:** "AAAND swiftly moving onwards" _He wraps an arm around Horus' shoulder._ "Last I heard of Bile he had shacked up at an orphanage somewhere near Tenrise IV. Experiments of some kind"

**Horus:** "Tenrise IV eh? Thrall?"

**Thrall:** "Setting course my lord"

**Horus:** "Vect, we owe you one. What can we do for you?"

**Vect:** _Opens his mouth._

**Horus:** "No, never, not in a million years,_ I just don't swing that way _(despite what others may insist) ... sorry. Lorgar here may be interested-"

**Lorgar:** "What!"

**Horus: **"I've heard from reliable sources he's considerably talented-"

**Lorgar:** "I AM NOT! Well ... I am but not with him! Or ... 'hims' in general!"

**Vect: **"Wow, Lorgar. I wouldn't have pegged you for ... er ... what do you Humans call it?"

**Horus:** "Heterosexual?"

**Vect:** "So quaint, the concept that is ..."

**Lorgar:** "I'll have you all know that I'm in a happy and stable relationship right now. She acts as my publisher, and we have a great business and personal relationship"

**Horus: **"Who the hell would ever be your girlfriend?"

**Lorgar: **_Smug smile all over his face._ "You should know her vect. Lilith Hesperax!"

**Vect: **"What? I'm calling BS! And I **don't** mean Ballistic Skill!"

**Lorgar: **"Apparently she's a Slaaneshi worshipper now. We met at the local Undivided Church, a couple of her friends were trying to get her to cross the boundary and embrace multi-cultism"

**Vect:** "Slaanesh ...?" _His face darkens. _"The GREAT ENEMY!"

**Lorgar: **"Damn that Slaanesh eh?"

**Vect: **"What? Who cares about her ... I speak of the greatest threat to Eldar kind! The Evil Beyond Words! The Destroyer of Fluff! The Ravager of Eldar! The being men call ... See Ess Gotto!"

_Collective gasps of shock._

**Vect:** "Awesome reaction guys. Much appreciated"


	22. Chapter XXII

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S  
= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER TWENTY TWO*** = = = = = = = = 

**Thought for the Day:** Blessed be the small mind - shut up and do your job. We don't avoid paying you so you can foster grand ideas of freedom, liberation and democracy!

_After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and their Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to combat the greatest evil known to the Warhammer 40,000 universe - the Forces of Retcon and their harbingers, the C'tan._

Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the Gates of Varl carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch Carl of the Eleventh Legion, the Fear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the C'tan by obtaining the only canon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star Gods when they were young (and without their undying servants) - the Fish of Time!

_Leaving Angron behind on the ship, enjoying the company of GameSpot Reader's Choice #2 Villain, Jaghatai Khan and Konrad Curze head down to the volcano-infested hell world known as the Endless Hells of Kith to search for the Key of Battle! _

**Konrad:** "So ... Khan ... I don't believe we've had time to sit down and catch up with past events since ... you know ... the 'disagreement' ..."

**Khan:** penetrating gaze

**Konrad:** "Er ... so ... how's it been?"

**Khan:** penetrating gaze

**Konrad:** "Heard you've been touring the Dark Eldar cities as an arena champion? How was that?"

**Khan:** penetrating gaze

**Konrad:** "Fun? Get much fan mail? Any merchandise?"

**Khan:** _He holds up the mug he's drinking coffe out of. The slogan 'YOU KHAN DO IT!' is clearly visible on the side in fancy Eldar-style of writing Low Gothic_. oh ... and penetrating gaze

**Konrad**: "Oh ... that's cool. So where did you come in the finals? First? Second? ... third?"

**Khan**: penetrating gaze

**Konrad**: "Well ... I can remember why no one liked you ..."

**Khan**: "You were mistaken **- **you were the unliked one"

**Konrad**: "He speaks! It's a miracle! I've spent the last hour on this Thunderhawk with no one but a mute Primarch and a bunch of mindless servitors as company and the first thing my brother says to me in ten thousand years is an insult! My life fraking sucks"

**Khan**: "That is why you were not liked. You occupy yourself with the negative, and ignore the positive that the wind brings"

**Konrad**: "Ignore the positive? What's positive about my life? I landed on the biggest pile of crap in the galaxy, and spent my early childhood feeding off the ones nice enough to keep Nostramo's population in check by jumping off the nearest high tower. I used to wake up hoping some poor sod had decided to end it all somewhere above where I would sleep so I wouldn't have to spend hours wandering the streets listening for that excited cheering from the crowds that would gather below jumpers to encourage them. That was before my precognition kicked in and I started having dreams about where the next suicides would occur. Kept me happy, and fed, until someone noticed and the crowds started following _me_ to each jumper so they could get their daily entertainment while I got my food. Eventually I got sponsorships from the major Nostramon corporations, who themselves were financed by the major crime lords of the planet. That sponsorship kept me fed, kept the suicide rate and the entertainment value up, and for a while all was good. Then they pulled the plug, blaiming 'falling ratings' as everyone started to enjoy a good suicide by jumping in front of trains as opposed to off a building. Of course, trains don't leave me much to eat when they're finished, and it's a pain walking along the tracks scraping them off the metal so I never bothered. So the sponsorship faded, and I was left defending for myself again. From that day forward, I swore vengeance against those corporations and their crime lord owners, and began my roaring rampage of revenge!"

**Khan:** "And how did that succeed for you?"

**Konrad:** "I inherited the planet"

**Khan:** "Then you blew it up"

**Konrad:** "I was in debt to the world by several trillion credits, blowing it up was the best way to cancel that debt and keep the money"

**Khan:** "A sensible option, but at the cost of much life"

**Konrad:** "Plenty more where they came from"

**Khan:** "That attitude is not one desirable for a leader"

**Konrad:** "Well in case you hadn't noticed I'm pure nightmare fuel here. Who would follow me?"

**Khan:** "An army of gremlins; you are both twisted, evil, and afraid of the light"

**Konrad:** "Oh cheers ..."

**Khan:** "Your death did not prove the point you intended it to"

**Konrad:** "I know, GW still writes pages on how evil we are. I'm surprised I don't get invitations for pantomime; there's enough ham in the scripts they ask me to read these days to re-spawn a Tuskgor"

**Khan:** "You are the villain; accept your place"

**Konrad:** "Says who? Everything I have ever done was for the greater good of mankind! I'm the Leto II of this universe! My Golden Path is right there and no one's walking it because I laid the bricks! What did dad ever do? Spend centuries building a blind, naive empire based on ignorance and arrogant belief they understand all the universe has to offer? Well it's not my fault the universe knocked on the door, said hello, and spilt the coffee when it was offered"

**Khan:** "You sided with Chaos"

**Konrad:** "It has a good pension scheme; contractual immortality"

**Khan:** "We are Primarchs; we are immortal"

**Konrad:** "Not according to Codex Imperialis, and the subsequent Fluff never really contradicted that"

**Khan:** "You make good point ... so I should be dead?"

**Konrad:** "We can retcon that. This is fan fiction after all"

**Khan:** "Why do you collect assassins?"

**Konrad:** "Well after dad sent so many to kill me I thought I might make good use out of them. No sense wasting good assassins"

**Khan:** "Obtained a Vanus?"

**Konrad:** "Not yet ... one day ... one day ..."

**Flight Servitor:** "My lord ... we are approaching the co-ordinates given to us by the Kerrigan being"

**Konrad:** "Excellent ... here we are!"

**Khan:** "The key appears to be inside a volcano ..."

**Konrad:** "Damn ... where's Vulkan when you need him?" 

**Vulkan:** "My salamander-senses are tingling ... I sense I am needed elsewhere ..."

_Alpharious turns around in the open-topped troop transport skimmer (to be featured in Imperial Armour 14) they are in, speeding towards the unknown Tau outpost. _

**Alpharious:** "We need you here, and we need you to remember you're not a Primarch, you're a Crisis suit"

**Vulkan:** "It's also tight in here"

**Alpharious: **"We can't hollow the mecha out anymore without destroying half of it. Grin and bear it"

**Roboute:** "Hey, I look good in this. Think they'll let us keep it?"

**Alpharious:** "We can ensure they have no choice in that matter"

**Roboute:** "Cool"_ He turns around in his seat to regard the squads of 'Stealthsuits' behind him_. "Hey brutha's - how you all holding up back there?"

_The Ultramarines and Salamanders who have disguised themselves as Stealthsuits cheer in unison._

**Vulkan:** "Remember - ta'lissera! For the Greater Good!"

_A weak cheer is heard from the Space Marines._

**Alpharious:** "Come on! Say it like you mean it! Like we discussed after watching my 'Get Over Your Arrogance And Infiltrate Like an Alpha Legionnaire' DVD - FOR THE GREATER GOOD!"

**Space Marines:** "FOR THE GREATER GOOD!"

**Alpharious:** "Music to my ears ... B'ob, how far until the citadel?"

**B'ob:** "About another ten minutes"

**Alpharious:** "Excellent - remember guys; we get in, we get out. No mucking about here, we grab the Key and we escape as fast as possible. We're Space Marines, lets start acting like a rapid strike force for once and not an invading army. That's the Imperial Guard's job, if you remember"

**Random Space Marine: **"Is that why we've got no Land Speeders?"

**Alpharious:** "Indeed. And Terminators. I apologise for the lack of Assault Cannons here, but we're on a budget. Henry, keep that Lascannon safe. It's our only heavy weapon aside from Vulkan's Meltagun"

**Vulkan:** "You can pry this baby from my cold, dead fingers"

**Alpharious: **"Lets hope it never comes to that. Everyone ready?"

**Space Marines:** "YEAH!"

**Roboute: **"What are we?"

**Space Marines: **"SPACE MARINES!"

**Vulkan:** "What are we made of?"

**Space Marines:** "PLASTIC! ... mostly"

**Roboute:** "Who loves us?"

**Space Marines: **"GAMES WORKSHOP!"

**Vulkan:** "Who are the cheesiest?"

**Space Marines:** "SPACE MARINES WITH ASSAULT CANNONS!"

**Vulkan:** "Damn straight ..."

**Alpharious:** "OK guys, enough with the testosterone - the citadel's ahead"

_In the distance a vast building looms up over the surrounding desert._

**Alpharious: **"That doesn't look Tau ..."

**B'ob:** "It's not. We claimed it from its previous owners. Well ... I say 'claimed'. We sort of moved in due to no one owning the place anymore. For millennia, by the looks of things ..."

**Roboute: **"Man ... er ... doesn't that look a little like ...?"

**Alpharious:** "Necrontyr architecture? Why yes ... it does. Henry, keep hold of that Lascannon, and pray that when the crap hits the fan, the Necrons aren't RAW-anal about their WBB saves ..."


	23. Chapter XXIII

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S  
= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER TWENTY THREE*** = = = = = = = =

**Alpharious: **"Who let Rob near the title?"

**Roboute:** "This story needed more **bling** ... and skulls ..."

**Alpharious: **"Skulls?"

**Roboute:** "This is 40K man! You can never have enough skulls! Skulls with bling! Bling skulls!"

**Alpharious:** "Can I kill him? Seriously ... will anyone actually miss him? Who the hell plays Ultramarines these days except Graham McNeil? Lets face it; they're boring, bland, and have possibly **the** second greatest assault on the eyes as a colour scheme in this hobby. No one plays Ultramarines"

**Roboute:** "Just like no one plays Alpha Legion?"

**Alpharious:** "Oh but they do ..._**we're just really good at disguising ourselves!**_ Which leads us to ..."

**Thought for the Day:** There's a 99% chance that any army you're playing against is an Alpha Legion army in disguise. There's an equal chance that your army is one too.

_After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and their Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to combat the greatest evil known to the Warhammer 40,000 universe - the Forces of Retcon and their harbingers, the C'tan. _

_Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the Gates of Varl carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch Carl of the Eleventh Legion, the Fear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the C'tan by obtaining the only canon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star Gods when they were young (and without their undying servants) - the Fish of Time!_

_We shall first start this chapter by joining Sanguinius and Fulgrim ..._

**Sanguinius: **"So babe ... how long have you been working here?"

_The Daemonette playfully strokes his wings as she answers._

**Feather-Obsessed Daemonette:** "Oh, a long time now. You lose track when you're an immortal being forged from the psychic ripples created by extreme emotional output of Warp-sensitive beings"

**Sanguinius: **"Philosophical too ... I like that in a woman"

**Feather-Obsessed Daemonette:** "I like your wings ..."

**Sanguinius: **"I've noticed; you've been trying to pluck them all evening ... now enough idle banter ... baby ... you know what I want ... what I **need**" _He leans closer to her._ "Are you ready?"

**Feather-Obsessed Daemonette:** "I was summoned ready ..." _She leans back seductively ... then pulls out a camera (don't ask from where)._ "OK, first shoot - take a pose!"

**Sanguinius: **_Adopting various poses as the Daemonette takes pictures of him._ "How about this? Or this? Perhaps this? Does it make me look intellectual? Too much flesh? Tell me when there's too much; I have a respectable image to maintain, but I want to treat my female fanbase ... oh the difficulties! We might need several shoots, and can we have some more lighting in here?"

_In another corner of the appropriately named Palace of Narcissim_.

**Scales-Obsessed Daemonette:** "Your friend seems like he's having fun ..."

**Fulgrim:** "A photo shoot! Oh how delightful! Dear; could you rub more oil into the tail? The scales are getting a little sore ..."

**Scales-Obsessed Daemonette:** "Of course ..."

_Suddenly several figures burst into the room._

**Scales-Obsessed Daemonette:** "Ev'rii?"

**Lithe Daemonette (Ev'rii): **"Ka'ndii! I need your help!"

**Fulgrim: **"Mortarion! What brings you here! With a camel!"

**Llama: **"I'm a Llama, thank you"

**Fulgrim:** "Whatever"

**Mortarion:** "Fulgrim! Apparently emo's are banned on this planet under pain of death by S Club 7 songs!"

**Fulgrim:** "Ouch ... how painful for you. Do tell me how that goes ..."

**Llama:** "I hear you're seeking the Key of Desire?"

**Sanguinius:** "What if we are?"

**Llama: **"I know where it may be, but you won't find it here. Do you desire the Key, pun intended, if so come with me ..."

**Sanguinius:** "Us? Primarchs? Follow a camel?"

**Llama:** "Lla- you know it doesn't matter. Yes ... camel"

**Fulgrim: **"Find this key ... or stay here in the company of these lovely women ... Daemon ... things ... whatever ... well I know what I'll be choosing!"

**Sanguinius:** "You're right Fulgrim! As Primarchs we look best saving the world! To the Desire Key!"

**Fulgrim: **"Actually I was hoping to stay here ..."

_A loud crash heralds parts of the wall collapsing to make way for a gargantuan Keeper of Secrets._

**Keeper of Secrets:** "MORTARION! I SEE YOU NOW!"

**Mortarion:** "Oh guys, this is Ha'lee. She's been tasked to follow me and beat me to death with the joys of late-1990s pop music"

**Keeper of Secrets: **"Prepare to suffer ... S CLUB JUNIORS!"

**Fulgrim: **"Crap! Sanguinius!"

**Sanguinius:** "What? Why me?"

**Fulgrim:** "The Visions series had you pictured with a Keeper of Secret's head so you must have had more experience than me at this!"

**Sanguinius:** "That was a photo shoot! It was staged! Someone pushed the damn head into my hands and took my picture! What am I supposed to do?"

**Fulgrim: **"You took out Bloodthirsters in single combat! This can't be that hard!"

**Sanguinius:** "I took out a Blood**letter**! Not my fault those bloody remembrancers can't remember anything properly!"

**Mortarion:** "Guys, stop arguing and **kill it!**"

**Sanguinius:** "Very well ... entering Battle Mode!"

Sanguinius - Attack - Keeper of Secrets  
Sanguinius hits Keeper of Secrets for 9,999 damage!  
Sanguinius's Awesome Holy Aura deals Keeper of Secrets an extra 9,999 damage!  
Sanguinius's Lightning Assault Attack deals Keeper of Secrets an extra 9,999 damage!  
Sanguinius's Sheer Badassery deals Keeper of Secrets an extra 9,999 damage!

**Fulgrim: **"She's still alive? Right, my turn!"

Fulgrim - Attack - Keeper of Secrets  
Fulgrim hits Keeper of Secrets for 9,999 damage!  
Fulgrim hits Keeper of Secrets for 9,999 damage!  
Fulgrim hits Keeper of Secrets for 9,999 damage!  
Fulgrim hits Keeper of Secrets for 9,999 damage!  
Fulgrim uses I Hit With All My Hands to deal an extra 9,999 damage to Keeper of Secrets!  
Fulgrim pokes Keeper of Secrets in the face with his tail and deals an extra 9,999 damage and inflicts Poison!

**Mortarion: **"She's still standing!"

**Sanguinius:** "Go for it Mort!"

Mortarion - Attack - Keeper of Secrets  
Mortarion hits Keeper of Secrets for 9,999 damage!

**Fulgrim: **"... that it?"

**Mortarion:** "Wait for it ..."

Keeper of Secrets suffers Plague from Mortarion's wound!  
Keeper of Secrets suffers 99,999 damage!  
Keeper of Secrets suffers Immobilised!  
Keeper of Secrets suffers Silence!  
Keeper of Secrets suffers Blind!  
Keeper of Secrets suffers Confused!  
Keeper of Secrets suffers GW Price Increased!  
Keeper of Secrets suffers Bad Plastic Makeover!  
Keeper of Secrets suffers Salt Rubed Into Wound!  
Keeper of Secrets suffers Kicking When Down!

**Fulgrim: **"Holy shi- remind me not to piss Mortarion off again ..."

**Mortarion:** "What? It's still **alive?** What do we have to do to kill this thing?"

Keeper of Secrets casts Broken Square-Enix Ability!  
Keeper of Secrets heals all damage and negative status effects!

**Sanguinius: **"Oh ... well ... feth that ... **RUN!**"

_Our heroes bolt for the door, followed by the Llama and the Daemonettes._

**Ka'ndii:** "Why are we running?"

**Ev'rii:** "I don't know about you, but I'd rather stick with the main characters than be killed off-page!"

_Meanwhile ..._

**Garlock:** "So ere's the main ba'el arena wit kool shyni stuff that 'urts ya when you poke gits wit it. Need anythink else?"

**Dorn:** "A translation guide for Ork-speak?"

**Perturabo:** "We're fine thanks, when will the fight commence?"

**Garlock: **"Sumtim thi afternoon tho tha depends on tha little gits who'r suppos'd to clean up DA dam place. I tell ya - yu can't git tha help ya need these dayz"

**Dorn:** "Er ... yeah. Cheers. Shall we just make ourselves at home until the arena is ready?"

**Garlock:** "Yer ... you can do that. No fighin outside tha arena mind!"

**Dorn: **"Wouldn't dream of it ..."

_They watch Garlock wonder off, muttering to himself._

**Dorn:** "What an odd fungus ..."

**Corax:** "So what now?"

**Dorn: **"Now we split up and search for the Hope Key ... it has to be around here somewhere and I'll be damned if I'll wait until after I beat the crap out of that crazy fungus before I lay my hands on it"

**Corax:** "The bet?"

**Dorn: **"The bet. I'll be damned if I lose to any of the others. We'll be the first to get our key! Right brothers?"

**Perturabo:** "Indeed - to Team A!"

**Corax:** "Dude that's lame ... Team Rocket!"

**Dorn:** "I don't think so ... Team Iron!"

**Perturabo:** "As in 'Iron Cage'?"

**Dorn: **"Yup"

**Perturabo: **"He he ... fun times ... to Team Iron!"

_They place there hands together at the centre of a circle they stand in._

**Corax:** "Go Team Iron!"

**Perturabo:** "Right, split up and find out clues. Meet back here in an hour! Remember; keep talking to an NPC in case they have something different to say the second time!"

**Dorn:** "Pity Magnus isn't here. He'll get everything we need in one simple Gather Info roll"

_Speaking of which ..._

**Magnus:** "I use Knowledge (Arcana) on the runes!"

**Russ:** "Knowledge (Pansy Gay Arts) more like ..."

**Ferrus: **"Ignoring Russ, what did you get?"

**Magnus: **"A 46!"

**Ferrus:** "And the thing we've learned today is ...?"

**Magnus:** "It's ancient Eldar writings!"

_They stand and stare at the wall with its foot-high lettering._

**Ferrus:** "We noticed ..."

**Fred:** "What does it **say?**"

**Magnus:** "'Look behind you'"

**Ferrus:** "What? Don't be silly ..."

**Magnus:** "I'm not, that's what they seriously say"

**Ferrus:** "Why would an Eldar write in foot-high letters 'look behind you'? They don't have a sense of humour! It's not as if they knew we ... were ... coming ... Eldar have Farseers don't they?"

**Magnus:** "Yes ... they do"

**Ferrus:** "And Farseers see into the future right?"

**Magnus:** "Yes ... they do"

_They all look at each other, then slowly turn around ..._

**Nightbringer:** "Good evening"


	24. Chapter XXIV

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S  
= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR*** = = = = = = = =  
**Thought for the Day: **If at first you don't succeed ... call in the Space Marines. The fact you were trying in the first place without proper Astartes support (i.e. they do all the work) is testament to your stupidity, and your first step on the road of learning is to purchase more Space Marines!

**Lorgar: **"When did we start advertising for GW here?"

**Perturabo:** "We did a little for Apocalypse a couple of chapters ago ..."

**Eldrad Ulthran:** "Bah. More Space Marine advertisements! As if we need more Space Marine players ..."

**Dorn:** "Well who else will you get to aim all those Starcannons at?"

**Eldrad Ulthran:** "A good point ... more Space Marine players! It makes the rest of us look better ..."

_In the slightly unpleasant dim far future there is only Space Marines ... and things Space Marines shoot at. _

**Roboute:** "Enough already! Get on with it!"

**Dorn:** "Well, I believe there's something everyone here agrees with. While non-Space Marine players may mock those who do play Space Marines, everyone, including Space Marine players, mock anyone who fields Ultramarines"

**Roboute:** "Hey!"

**Eldrad Ulthran:** "Thus is the gospel according to Priestly ... praise be to Priestly and His Divine Will"

**Eldar: **"Amen ..."

**Eldrad Ulthran:** "And curse be to the Arch-fiend Thorpe, and the dairy products he does bring as offerings ..."

**Eldar:** "Amen ..."

**Dorn:** "And prayer be us finally starting this chapter?"

**Eldrad Ulthran:** "Dude, this is just fluff"

_A kitten dies._

**Eldrad Ulthran:** "The Arch-fiend strikes again!" 

_After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and their Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to combat the greatest evil known to the Warhammer 40,000 universe - the Forces of Retcon and their harbingers, the C'tan. _

_Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the Gates of Varl carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch Carl of the Eleventh Legion, the Fear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the C'tan by obtaining the only canon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star Gods when they were young (and without their undying servants) - the Fish of Time!_

**Dorn:** "Finally ... now what?"

_You bugger off. You're not in today's chapter. _

_**Dorn:**__ "But I'm Rogal Dorn!"_

_And your Chapter's colour scheme is bright yellow. Which makes it far easier for this Apocalypse-sized Dark Reaper army to see you._

**Dorn:** "What? WAIT!"

explosions and death

_We now re-join our heroes aboard the Eldar Craftworld of Al'cir, where they have been confronted by the __**LORD OF DEATH**__, __**THE REAPER OF SOULS**__, or __**HEY LOOK! I SCARE PEOPLE SO MUCH THEIR DNA IS AFRAID OF ME!**__ depending on who you ask ..._

[Author's Note: In case you're wondering why the Nightbringer doesn't have his dialogue in different colours like Slaanesh, Nurgle, Khorne, Tzeentch, the Deceiver, and the Emperor, it's mainly because his would be black. As the forum's background is also black, this would require you to highlight what he says each time you read his dialogue, and I'm not that cruel]

**Russ:** "Everyone stand still ... he can't see us if we don't move ..."

**Magnus:** "That's a T-Rex Russ"

**Russ:** "Are you sure?"

**Magnus:** "I'm fairly sure"

**Ferrus:** "I suggest people that we run away as fast as possible in the complete opposite direction to the big scary reaper dude"

**Russ:** "Run? We're **PRIMARCHS!**"

**Ferrus:** "Have you **seen** the stats on that thing? It makes 2nd Ed Greater Daemons look like Snotlings! Seriously, were the design team smoking their old codices when they wrote the 4th ed Necron Codex?"

**Magnus:** "If so, I'd like to have some ..."

**Nightbringer:** "If we all quite finished discussing amongst ourselves, perhaps we could approach the next stage of this engagement?"

**Russ:** "Fight?"

**Ferrus:** "Running away?"

**Fred:** "Obtaining clean underwear to replace the old ones now somewhat more unpleasant in nature?"

_Everyone stares at her, and slowly edges away._

**Fred:** "It's alright for you genetically mutated freaks!"

**Ferrus:** "Says the woman who replaces bits of her with toasters **because her PC told her to**"

**Derek:** "DO NOT SPEAK OF THE OMNISSIAH IN SUCH NOOBISH TONGUE!"

**Ferrus:** "Derek ... what are you doing?"

_Derek walks towards the Nightbringer, and stands beneath the __**AWESOME POWER OF THE C'TAN!**_

**Derek:** "Fixing a mistake made many years ago when Mars agreed to aid the Corpse-God and his pathetic excuse for an Imperium!"

**Magnus:** "It wasn't **that** bad! Admittedly the extreme right-wing attitude to science and atheism did kind of suck come Christmas, but we still got away with a little festive cheer!"

**Derek:** "Christmas doesn't concern me, and soon it will die. All Human emotions will die, for it feeds the Warp! Hope, anger, desire, and despair - all with perish and be replaced by uncomprimising order!"

**Ferrus:** "What? That's boring! What am I going to do when I play _Halo 3?_ Where's the fun when you don't feel good about pulling off a headshot on the back of a moving vehicle?"

**Derek:** "Computer games will also be banned, for they encourage violence amongst our children"

**Ferrus:** "Oh now that's just being **stupid**!"

**Derek:** "All sports will be banned, music wil no longer exist, _**and table-top gaming will be exitinct**_!"

_Collective gasps of horror from all assembled._

**Ferrus:** "NEVER! I may not obsess about the hobby like Perturabo may do, but I recognise my existence as a character within the background for a table-top gaming system! Despite that previous sentence breaking so much of the fourth wall I'm surprised there's anything less, I will not allow you to destroy that hobby!"

**Derek:** "You're too late. Even as we speak the Deceiver is searching the Webway for the Black Library ... and the ULTIMATE WEAPON!"

**Magnus:** "What is this weapon?"

**Derek:** "The greatest power in the known universe! A force that can re-write thousands of years of history, alter events, change entire civilisations and turn personalities against their former image"

**Ferrus:** "What diabolical evil do you speak of?"

**Derek:** "The hard drive of Alan Merrett! With its awesome power, we can susbtantially alter the entire 40K universe and Merrett will think it's been his idea all along! He'll order the production of new books, and update all fluff-"

_A kitten dies._

**Derek:** "-to reflect our new ideals! It'll be a glorious age! A new age! Introducing, ladies and gentlemen:"

**WARHAMMER 40,000: THE GATHERING**

**Magnus:** "Oh my Gods! **YOU WORK FOR HASBRO!**"

**Nightbringer:** "They promise us endless power, for a small number of revisions geared to maximise profits by appealing to children between 6-12"

**Ferrus:** "You would turn this hobby into a mere extension of Wizards of the Coast?"

**Nightbringer:** "Why not? We'll make things easier by assigning you all Alignments - you'lll be Neutral Evil, I'll be Chaotic Evil-"

**Russ:** "And I'll be KICKING YOUR ASS!"

**Nightbringer:** "I don't believe that's an Alignment on the chart ..."

**Russ:** "Don't care!"

**Ferrus:** "Russ! What are you doing! You don't stand a chance against the C'tan!"

**Russ:** "Maybe not by myself, but in case you missed it Magnus there's been giving me the silent hand signals since darky here turned up!"

**Magnus:** "I've been telling him the rest of the message I translated. In it's entirety, it states: 'Hi Primarchs, Look Behind You. In Case You Need A Hand, I've Left My Sword For You Behind The Wall - Vaul'"

_Russ smashes into the wall with a single fist, and draws a great sword of fearsome beauty. _

**Russ:** "I don't usually like these fancy xenos weapons, but this thing's bloody awesome! I can feel the stat boosts flowing through me!"

**Fred:** "Is that ...?"

**Magnus:** "It is ... it's Anaris - THE DAWNLIGHT!"

_Dramatic music._

**Nightbringer: **"So you have a fancy sword ... so what?"

**Magnus:** "We'll see - CASTING MULTIPLE BUFF SPELLS ON RUSS!"

**Russ:** buffed "ARRRGH!"

_Russ dives forward and lands a mighty blow on the Nightbringer. The resultant shockwave of energy vapourises Derek and destroys half the tower. _

Leman Russ hits the Nightbringer for UNGODLY damage!

**Russ:** "NOW THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!"

**Ferrus: **"There isn't any chance Vaul left a few more swords behind there for us?"


	25. Chapter XXV

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S  
= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER TWENTY FIVE*** = = = = = = = = 

**Thought for the Day:** Eat more fruit.

What? Were you expecting something more? 

_After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and their Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to combat the greatest evil known to the Warhammer 40,000 universe - the Forces of Retcon and their harbingers, the C'tan. _  
_Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the Gates of Varl carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch Carl of the Eleventh Legion, the Fear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the C'tan by obtaining the only canon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star Gods when they were young (and without their undying servants) - the Fish of Time!_

As our heroes wrestle with the Nightbringer, a battle-hungry Warboss, escape from a seemingly indescrutable Keeper of Secrets, hunt for the Biomancer Fabius Bile, speed into a Necron Fortress-turned Tau outpost, and journey deep into the heart of a volcano, their father, the _**GOD EMPEROR OF MANKIND!**__ has reached Ancient Terra, seeking to free the cradle of mankind from the grip of C'tan tyranny!_

**Eldrad:** "And what was the Imperium of man?"

**Malcador:** "**Human** tyranny, an entirely different kind of oppression"

**Eldrad:** "What's so different about it?"

**Malcador:** "It's Humans killing themselves, which is perfectly fine"

**Eldrad:** "That's something we both agree on"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!:** "Silence! Both of you! We approach the orbit of Terra!"

**Eldrad:** "I guess it's just past the orbits of Mild Fright, Scary, and Hide-Behind-The-Sofa right?"

_Silence._

**Eldrad:** "That was humour people, please don't let it ambush you when you eventually get around to evolving"

**Malcador:** "And what have you Eldar been doing for the last sixty-odd million years?"

**Eldrad:** "Gestating Slaanesh. What have you guys been doing? Oh ... don't answer. Repeatedly screwing yourselves over by creating perfect, _Star Trek_-esque empires then destroying then either with rogue robots or your own damn genetically engineered soldiers"

**Malcador:** "The Iron Men you've got a point with, but the Space Marines are not our fault ..."

**Tzeentch:** "What? You talking about us?"

**Malcador:** "Well if the shoe fits ..."

**Slaanesh:** "I don't wear shoes darling"

**Malcador:** "It's a freaking metaphor! Seriously ... for giant gestalt warp entities created by the psychic residue of strong emotions from sentient beings you are **fething retarded!**"

**Tzeentch:** "And you're what? A certified genius, Mr-Let-Me-Try-Out-The-Giant-Soul-Sucking-Webway-Machine?"

**Malcador:** "The good of Humanity depended on me maintaining the gate! Your forces would have breached the palace if I hadn't!"

**Tzeentch:** "And ... I don't know, **switching it off wouldn't have worked better?**"

_Silence._

**Malcador:** "If I weren't for the fact I don't exist outside it ... I would **fething hate this new fluff**"

_Slaanesh breaks a kitten in half._

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!:** "What the hell was that for?"

**Slaanesh:** "Contract with Gav"

**Malcador:** "... fluff?"

_Another kitten dies._

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!:** "Jesus woman, stop it!"

**Malcador:** "You like kittens my lord?"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"I love them. So cute and fluffy ..."

_Slaanesh eats a third kitten._

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"No one said 'fluff'!"

**Slaanesh:** "Yes you did. 'Fluffy' is merely a descriptive use of 'fluff' ..."

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!:** "Oh that's just being awkward. I did not say **'fluff'**!"

_A fourth kitten spontaneously combusts._

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!:** "For the God's sake stop it!"

**Tzeentch:** "For our sake? But we're enjoying it"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!:** "Pick on the fething crickets!"

**Torgaddon:** "You leave them out of this! Not when I've almost got them working together to write the next _Horus Heresy_ book!"

**Abaddon:** "Well ... can't be worse than _Descent of Angels_ ..."

**Ahriman:** "If the not-really-subtle attacks on the Black Library are this bad now? What happens when they finally release a book on the Thousand Sons?"

_Lets not go there. Lets just not go there. Lets just say it better be made of __**WIN**__ and __**AWESOME**__ or this series will see an Author Breakdown on the scale that'll make _Cerebus the Aardvark _look like a mild divergeance in theme ..._

We're talking End of _Freaking_ Evangelion_ here ..._

Buffy the Vampire Slayer_ season six ..._

**Ahriman:** "We get the picture. So in the interest of everyone here at _Primarchs_, myself included, we pass this simple message out to the guys at the Black Library and the awesome team of authors there ... please make the eventual token book on the Thousand Sons awesome ... please ..."

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"What do I care? I never learned to read ..."

**Malcador:** "We noticed my lord ... otherwise you might have noticed the Heresy coming considering it rips of the plot of so many fiction it's not even funny ..."

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!:** "You insulting me Malcador?"

**Malcador:** "Well ..."

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!:** "Who's name's in capitals?"

**Malcador:** "Er ... yours?"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!:** "DAMN STRAIGHT! WHO'S THE EMPEROR? YOU? HELL NO! ME! I'M THE GOD-FREAKING-EMPEROR OF MANKIND! THE ONE, THE ONLY, THE BROKEN-HERO-OF-AWESOMENESS THAT CAN **DO NO WRONG!** GW LOVE ME! THERE IS NOTHING I CAN'T DO! I CAN BACKWARDS ENGINEER ANCIENT ELDAR TECHNOLOGY AND MAKE MY OWN WEBWAY! I HAVE MORE PSYCHIC ENERGY IN MY LITTLE TOE THAN ALPHA LEVEL PSYKERS HAVE IN THEIR ENTIRE BODY! I'M TALLER THAN A PRIMARCH, and stronger to boot. And more attractive. And better at maths. I'M THE GOD-EMPEROR! BOW DOWN AND HOLD ME IN EVERLASTING GEEK PRAISE!"

**Malcador:** "I heard you're actually an old man making that image as an illusion ..."

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"What? Oh ... damn Abnett ... well ... perhaps. Or perhaps I'm just Super-Damn-Awesome"

**Malcador:** "Well if you're so super and awesome ... how comes an Ork Warboss strangled you?"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"Erm ..."

_I'd like to point out how absurd this all is, and a great way to highlight how much the __40K__Fluff__ contradicts itself. This is what happens when you let fanboys write the new __Fluff__ ..._

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!:** "He rolled lucky ... that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!"

**Malcador:** "Yes ... Tracy"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"Oh you just asked for it!"

_The Emperor unleashes __**PSYCHIC MEGADEATH!**_****

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "What? Nothing happened? Oh who counterspelled?"

**Tzeentch:** "No throwing bolts of warp energy in my presence. In case you forgot who's the masters of the warp ..."

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"But I'm the EMPEROR!"

**Slaanesh:** "Yes dear, but all psychic energy manifests from the warp ..."

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"But Sisters of Battle!"

**Nurgle:** "Seriously, did you think that was anything **but** warp-spawned magicks?"

**Tzeentch:** "Positive warp energy, read your _Realms of Chaos_. It's like hitting the matter of this universe with anti-matter"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"I'm confused ..."

**Tzeentch:** "And you wonder why I'm no longer the God of Hope, Nurgle's lost his Despair, Slaanesh is all about sex, and Khorne just likes hitting things ..."

**Khorne:** "I **still** have a sense of honour! When I remember to bring it ..."

**Tzeentch:** "Stop losing it down the side of the sofa, and we should be fine"

**Malcador:** "When we're all finished pointing out how much todays fluff-"_ Another kitten dies_. "-has been dumbed down, can we concentrate on the matters at hand? Like the destruction of the Necron presence on Terra?"

**Abaddon:** "A better question to ask would be how they got there?"

**VOID DRAGON!:** "I CAN ANSWER THAT QUESTION!"

**Abaddon:** "Torgaddon?"

**Torgaddon:** "Dude ... cut me some slack here ... it's a fething **C'tan!**"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!:** "What? Why is his name in capitals too?"

_Because he's made of __**AWESOME**__ and __**WIN**__._

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!:** "And I'm not?"

_Not when you started playing about with Eldar technology and being practically without a single flaw ... save not noticing half your sons had issues ... seriously dude ... therapy ... it helps ..._

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"Seriously ... try some yourself. Maybe then you might get over your nerdish dislike of the new Heresy stuff and ... I don't know ... **get a life?**"

_Ouch. Harsh._

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!:** "You had it coming ... so ... Dragon. You woke up? That explains how a huge Necron force appeared so close to Terra without the legions of defences noticing ... also means I need to have words with the Fabricator General of Mars ..."

**VOID DRAGON!: **"No need, he is here" _He holds up a head, and lets it fall to the ground._ "I needed him no more, now I am awake ... and man do I feel good! I feel like conquering the universe!"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"That's my job!"

**VOID DRAGON!:** "Really? We'll see ... bring it on!"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!:** "GET OUT OF MY UNIVERSE!"

**Malcador:** "Everyone retreat to the minimum safe distance!"

**Abaddon:** "Which is?"

**Malcador:** "An alternative universe will do quite nicely ..."

_As our epic Gods of __**AWESOME**__**WIN**__ clash who will be the victor? Find out in the next chapters of ... well you probably know the name of the show by now.  
_

As I'm going somewhere where the Internet does not exist for Christmas (my grandparent's) this will be the last Primarchs chapter for a while. In which case, I wish everyone here happy Christmas! Have fun! 


	26. Chapter XXVI

**Mortarion:** "So ... er ... did everyone have a good Christmas?"  
**  
Lorgar: **"You weren't there, I packed the kids off to Chaos School, and Lilith wore a sexy Santa outfit for most of the holidays. I consider it to be ... decent at least"  
**  
Dorn: **"You have kids? I thought we Primarchs were infertile or something"  
**  
Lorgar:** "I adopted them"  
**  
Roboute:** "Hey man, that's cool. So's ... what are my fellow peeps up to now?"  
**  
Angron:** "I think it's about time for another chapter ..."  
**  
Roboute:** "Another Founding!"  
**  
Lion:** "He wasn't ... talking ... about ... that ... kind of ... Chapter ... moron"  
**  
Horus:** "Ah ... there you all are. I see nothing has really changed much over the holidays, aside from perhaps getting a little fatter there Mortarion ..."  
**  
Mortarion:** "It's the plague, those mince pies were off ..."  
**  
Horus:** "Whatever. Angron, still angry?"  
**  
Angron:** "After hearing the same bloody Christmas songs over and over again? I'm livid. Just mention Paul McCartney, go on"  
**  
Horus:** "I'll pass. Lorgar, still refusing to move on from 2nd Ed?"  
**  
Lorgar:** "When I get Terminator Armour that saves on 2d6? Hell no"  
**  
Horus:** "Rob, still an arrogant git?"  
**  
Roboute:** "Keep talking man, I've got ma bruther McNeil on the phone. He'll kick your character ass in his next book no problem"  
**  
Horus:** "I stand afraid of ex-developers, as always. Oh that was sarcasm by the way for those of you reading this on an Internet forum ... ah! Lion! Still raping the dramatic emphasis?"  
**  
Lion:** "As ... always ..."  
**  
Horus:** "Magnus! Russ! How did Christmas fare for you two?"  
**  
Magnus:** "I got the last Harry Potter book finally. Unfortunately Ferrus had spoiled everything for me five months previously. The epilogue still sucked though ..."  
**  
Russ:** "Can't remember much of Christmas. There might have been alcohol involved ..."  
**  
Horus:** "Excellent. Please excuse me while I put on the face of someone who cares ... are we all gathered here now, my brothers?"  
**  
All:** various replies, some of them I can't print in this family-orientated forum  
**  
Horus:** "Language Angron ... you'll be pleased to know I successfully tracked down the Narrator and dragged him back kicking and screaming to continue our epic quest of epic awesome!"  
_  
And win ..._  
**  
Horus:** "Quiet! Horus is speaking, all will shut up. Now, he's agreed to meet some conditions of mine-"  
_  
What conditions?_  
**  
Horus:** "-namely that I get centre roll in every chapter, 70% of all dialogue, an extra three zeros on my pay slip, and a romance scene with every female cast member ... preferably at once-"  
_  
What?_  
**  
Horus:** "I know you will support me brothers, for I am the Warmaster and thus supreme awesome over-"  
**  
EMPEROR OF MANKIND!:** "REJECTED!"  
_  
Horus is hit by a second mega-death blast ray of narrative convenience and is erased from existence._  
**  
EMPEROR OF MANKIND!:** "Who's supreme awesome my ass! He still doesn't have any arms! Right, Lastie ... another chapter!"  
_  
Say please ..._  
**  
EMPEROR OF MANKIND!:** raises an eyebrow  
_  
I was kidding ... honestly ... OK, hope you've all had a supreme awesome Christmas! To celebrate the return of Primarchs today's chapter will be a supreme awesome double-bill, with most of your favourite characters and the addition of ones who haven't suffered the humiliation of staring in this series yet. _  
**  
Dante:** "Oh good Emperor on His Throne ..."  
_  
Yeah, that doesn't really cross over very well does it?_  
**  
Lorgar:** "Enough! Time for-" 

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S  
= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER TWENTY SIX*** = = = = = = = =

"_It's at times like this I'm grateful I saved my game before the level started"__** - Eldrad Ulthran, at the end of the 13th Black Crusade**_

_For those of you with short memory spans or just join us (in which case there's, like, twenty-five chapters worth of back story – go read!), here's a short summary of the Story So Far, as told by our stars._

**Lorgar:** "Who ... us?"

**Vulkan:** "Yeah he means us. Now narrate like you've got a pair!"

**Lorgar:** "Where to start? The fact that we wasted millennia binge drinking our way across the Eye of Terror? Then Horus appears and suddenly Fifth Edition has started and there's a new summer campaign to fight! Of course, turns out things aren't quite that easy ..."

**Magnus:** "Indeed. For our foes were the C'tan, and their diabolical masters Hasbro, who were using the campaign as a cover in their hostile takeover of Games Workshop"

**Horus:** "As if that weren't enough, desperate for money Games Workshop allowed renowned RPG developers Square-Enix to make a game based in the 40K universe. Unfortunately their inability to grasp basic British pessimism has resulted in a game full of cute fluffy aliens and happy Space Marines! This games is threatening to retro-actively turn the gothic nightmare of the forty-second millennium into J-pop themed hyperactive cute!"

**Lion:** "The forces of cute, heralded by those diabolical Moogle things, are rampaging through the galaxy"

**Angron:** "Also doing the same is the Zerg, who probably have some equally evil reason for being here aside from having revenge against Andy Chambers"

**Vulkan:** "While all this is going on, Rob, Alpharious and myself are undercover inside a Necron fortress-turned Tau outpost. I've read enough Black Library novels to know this won't end well for anyone ..."

**Dorn:** "Perturabo, Corax and myself are challenging an enthusiastic Ork warboss to a one-on-one fight"

**Fulgrim:** "Sanguinius, Mortarion and myself are running from the unstoppable servants of Slaanesh on a Daemon World"

**Horus:** "Lion, Lorgar, and me are searching for some Oracle of Oblivion ... and my arms ..."

**Ferrus:** "Magnus, Russ, and me are fighting the Nightbringer, which beats all the above for sheer awesome ..."

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!:** "And I beat all of them by taking on the Void Dragon **by myself!**"

**Abaddon:** "While the quest to recapture a Terra fallen to the C'tan is under my control. Which is somewhat amusing when you think about what I've done ..."

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!:** "Yeah, I want the planet back when you've finished Ezzie"

**Abaddon:** "Damn ..."

**Eldrad:** "Anyway, that should serve as a rough catch-up ... what lies ahead for our heroes? PM me for spoilers"

_Don't __PM__ him. The following is taken from the Instant Warp Messaging service (provided by Warpsoft Ltd.) hosted by Abaddon the Despoiler in the preparations for the Second Siege of Terra:_

EzzieInDaHouse has logged in. BigBadWolf has logged in.

Inferno! has logged in.

ChicksDigEmos has logged in.

PaintItBlack has logged in.

OldPwnage has logged in.

EzzieInDaHouse: OK, introductions people? For those of you too young to remember (most of you) I'm Abaddon

BigBadWolf: Noted. Logan Grimnar here.

ChicksDigEmos: Azrael.

PaintItBlack: Helbrecht

Inferno!: Dante

OldPwnage: Yarrick

EzzieInDaHouse: Yarrrick dude! U pwn!

Inferno!: hell yeah! Found gazgul?

OldPwnage: no.

ChicksDigEmos: :{

BigBadWolf: :{

PaintItBlack: :{

EzzieInDaHouse: no worries. U'll find him.

OldPwnage: :}

EzzieInDaHouse: anywyas .. terra!

BigBadWolf: libration1!

PaintItBlack: dude, we need to get past the opribital defences!

ChicksDigEmos: orbital defences no problem ... we got planet killer!

EzzieInDaHouse: it'll need some careful aiming, but we can shoot ddown most of the platforms with ot

PaintItBlack: dudes! Planet killer!

ChicksDigEmos: plaent kil;ler!111

OldPwnage: pwnage!

EzzieInDaHouse: pwnage!

BigBadWolf: back to plan?

EzzieInDaHouse: logan need you to spearhead asasult with dante. Would love angron and russ, but they're busy.

BigBadWolf: hven't seen russ yet. Bjorn misses him.

EzzieInDaHouse: :{

PaintItBlack: :{

OldPwnage: planet killer!

Inferno!: planet killer!1

EMPEROR OF MANKIND! has logged in.

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: .com/albums/n...

EzzieInDaHouse: serious

PaintItBlack: /serious mode

OldPwnage: very serious

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: 1 thing to say: kick ass!

OldPwnage: planet killer!1! 

= = = = = = = =

_Eldrad glances up from the hololithic console he was monitoring._

**Eldrad:** "I now know why nothing ever gets done around here ..."

**Malcador:** "Welcome to the Imperium of Man, please leave your complaint at the desk and we will get back to your descendants within the millennium"

**Eldrad:** "Think they'll make it?"

**Malcador:** "Not a chance"

_As the Great Siege of Terra Part II: The Sequel continues, our heroes continue their epic quest to obtain the Six Keys of Carl, need to pass through the Gates of Varl and meet with the Fish of Time! Seriously, how much Things of Awesome can I fit into that sentence?_

_Anyway, on the Eldar Craftworld of Despair, Doom, and Certain Painful Death, Magnus, Russ and Ferrus continue their epic battle against the Nightbringer. _

**Fred: **_Incredibly high-pitch scream. I mean seriously through-your-head-like-a-pin-vice scream._

**Ferrus:** "Russ! Attack his weak spot for massive damage!"

**Russ:** "Does he look like a giant crab?"

**Magnus:** "No, he looks like our unfortunate and messy death if you don't shut up at hit him with the million-year-old ancient Eldar poking stick!"

**Russ:** "I like this spear, did the note say we can keep it?"

**Magnus:** "No, but you can ask him when he gets back"

**Russ:** "I thought Slaanesh ate him?"

**Magnus:** "No Slaanesh **dated** him. Emperor almighty how many times do I have to correct people on this?"

**Ferrus:** "Corrections later! Killing C'tan first!"

**Russ:** "Aye laddy, calm down. I can't concentrate with you all panicky like that, and could someone stop Fred screaming?"

_Ferrus knocks Fred out with a flick of the wrist._

**Russ:** "Drastic, but it got the job done. Points to you laddy. Right, Mr. Cloak-and-shadows, shall we dance?"

**Nightbringer:**_ Brandishes scythe. "_Certainly, but I warn you, this tango is simply to **die** for!"

_Silence. Some crickets chirp._

**Ferrus:** "I suppose the humour disintegrates after the first few millennia"

**Nightbringer:** "You have no idea. Watch _Arrested Development_ enough times and even that becomes boring"

**Ferrus:** "Oh that's just heresy. Russ – kick his ass!"

**Russ:** "What do you think I've been trying to do laddy? If it wasn't for all this dialogue exchange I would have been assigning my XP five minutes ago!"

**Magnus:** "How much do we get for killing a C'tan?"

**Ferrus:** "Enough to get my juicy purple epic gear no doubt. Did Vaul leave any other weapons by chance?"

**Magnus:** "Just the Dawnlight. Unless there's any others I've missed"

**Ferrus:** "You know the background better than I do"

**Russ:** "Only because you read it in bed"

**Magnus:** "It helps me get to sleep"

**Russ:** "You have no life, it breaks me to tell you this laddy but as your brother I feel I have a responsibility to lay bear these truths which hinder your ability to attract members of the opposite sex"

**Magnus:** "Bah. Women are overrated. My level 12 night elf druid? Now **she's** a damn fine girl"

**Russ:** "She's **fictional**"

**Magnus:** "No need to hurt her feelings ..."

**Russ:** "I swear sometimes I think razing Prospero was a service to mankind ..."

**Ferrus:** "Hey. Don't insult us geeks. You end up working for us in the end"

**Magnus:** "Look at Warpsoft. William Doorway, once a geek, now a multi-trillionaire"

**Russ:** "Money's not important. The touch of a good woman-"

**Ferrus:** "Shouldn't that be plural?"

**Russ:** "Was that supposed to be an insult? Because if you suggesting I've had many female partners is supposed to be **negative** ..."

**Magnus:** "That wasn't smart Ferrus"

**Ferrus:** "Hey, if you suggest a girl sleeps around is an insult, shouldn't it work the other way?"

**Magnus:** "No Ferrus. It's called a double standard. It doesn't work both ways"

**Fred: **"I object to that!"

**Russ:** "What? You think you've slept with more women than me?"

**Fred:** "Probably"

_Ferrus and Magnus stare with mouths open_.

**Russ:** "Wow ..."

**Nightbringer:** "Erm ... guys?"

**Magnus:** "Ferrus ... is this what they call love?"

**Ferrus:** "Dude. I think she's just confirmed herself to be a lesbian ..."

**Fred:** "No, I'm bisexual"

_Mouths hang open once again._

**Ferrus:** "Magnus. This is love"

**Russ:** "Not to burst your bubbles lads ... but who's carrying the giant Eldar weapon-o-doom here?"

**Fred: **"And such a lovely compensation it is. My sympathy for your natural disability that requires such giant weapons to make you feel better about it"

**Ferrus:** "Dude ... pwned ..."

**Russ:** "Am not!"

**Magnus:** "Powned ..."

**Ferrus:** "Owned, dude, owned. Don't pronounce the 'p'"

**Magnus:** "Sorry ..."

**Nightbringer:** "Hey! Am I invisible here?"

**Magnus:** "I think the big scary god thing is trying to get our attention"

**Ferrus:** "Ignore it. Fred's bi – **far** more interesting"

**Russ:** "Agreed". _Turns to Fred_ "So, a threesome with a lady friend of your choice?"

**Nightbringer:** "I'll be over there when you guys feel like advancing the plot ..." 

= = = = = = = =

_Back in orbit around Terra ..._

**Eldrad:** "Can't they concentrate on **anything**?"

**Malcador: **"They're Space Marines. Testosterone pumped up to max then add some. What do you expect? Did the Emperor not send them on this pointless quest to occupy them while we foiled Hasbro?"

**Eldrad:** "Well ... that's what I told him"

**Malcador:** "What?"

**Eldrad: **"Who's idea do you think this was? His? Bah. The Emperor couldn't fight his way out of close combat with a snotling unless someone rolled the dice for him"

**Malcador: **"Are you saying you've been behind everything?"

**Eldrad:** "Is that so surprising?"

**Malcador:** "But why? What's the point?"

**Eldrad:** "Well ... as it's just me and you here. The reason is-" 

= = = = = = = =  
_We interrupt this plot revelation to cut to our heroes Lion El'jonson, Horus, Lorgar, and Asdrubael Vect as they approach the world of Cali Forna, where looks are everything ... apparently ..._

**Horus:** "So Bile's down there?"

**Vect: **"Last I heard. There's an orphanage there that deals with kids from parents consider them too ugly to associate themselves with. It's the closest one to Tenrise IV, which fits what I heard last time I chatted to Bile over Warp Messenger ..."

**Lorgar: **"Excellent. The sooner we get Horus his arms back the sooner we can find the Oracle of Oblivion and the location of the Final Key, and the sooner we can get back to the pub and wait for the others to finish their pointless quests ..."

**Horus:** "Who wants to bet we'll be first?"

**Lion: **"But ... the Moogles?"

**Lorgar:** "Hmm ... good point. I suppose we should warn someone before the universe collapses into a pile of cuteness ..."

**Horus:** "Arms first. Oracle next. Key then Moogles. Agreed?"

**Lorgar:** "Sounds good ..."

**Lion: **"... Agreed"

**Lorgar: **"How can you have a dramatic emphasis with only one word?"

**Horus:** "He did it"

**Vect:** "Amazing ... what are you doing tonight?"  
**  
Lorgar:** "Despite his pretty-boy appearance, Lion is straight"

**Vect: **"You silly Humans and your sexual orientation crap. You should be like us Eldar!"

**Horus:** "And give birth to gods that eat your friends and neighbours?"

**Vect:** "Hey, it seemed like a good idea at the time ..."

**Horus: **"Enough, this conversation is creeping me out, Vect is scaring me, and I want to scratch my own ass for the first time in millennia. Thrall – prepare our lander! I have an appointment with Bile!"

**Vect:** "Do you really?"

**Horus: **"No ... I'm hoping he'll let me in on the basis he gets to play with the living Horus instead of a splattered dead corpse this time"

**Lorgar:** "You're selling yourself to Bile? You must love your arms ..."

**Horus:** "You have no idea ... there are some things no one should ask Thrall to do ..."

**Vect:** _Opens his mouth._

**Horus:** "No" 

= = = = = = = =  
_Meanwhile, in the Endless Hells of Kith ..._

**Konrad: **"So ... any ideas?"

**Khan:** "The Key seems to be inside a volcano ... how much damage does lava inflict?"

**Konrad:** "Per round? It'll be Dangerous Terrain ... so a one in six change every few seconds of a wound with no save allowed ... we could last a minute or two ..."

**Khan: **"Hmm ... with no way of knowing where inside the Volcano the key is ... we cannot chance it ... we need a way of protecting ourselves from the heat ..."

**Konrad:** "Again ... this is where I wish Vulkan was with us. How do you think he's doing?"

**Khan: **"With Roboute and Alpharious? I do not wish to know. My mind must focus on the problem at hand. I shall meditate ... and let the spirits of the earth communicate with me. Perhaps they shall know of the answer I seek"

**Konrad:** "Right ... well ... good luck with that. I'll be over here trying to get a good signal on my Warpband. Perhaps I can Google something ..."

**Khan:** "Pah"

**Konrad:** "Laugh all you want ... ah here we are ... ah ... no ... no good ... guys?" _He calls over to several Night Lord Marines milling about nearby_. "A hand?"

_Several minutes later, a single Night Lord Marine stands atop a balancing tower of his brothers with an aerial in hand. Konrad calls up from below. _

**Konrad:** "Good job guys! I've got a strong signal here. Now no one move! I just need to Google 'lava protection' ... hmm ... why does it return the sex lives of fire elementals? Ah ... here we are ... _Protection From Fire Level 10_. Simple psyker card, available to Astartes Librarians ... so by default us Primarchs as well ... unless anyone has a problem with this by RAW?"

**Marines:** "No ... we're cool!"

**Konrad:** "Excellent ... Khan! I have a solution!"

**Khan:** "Good. The earth is silent. It does not wish to speak with me"

**Konrad:** "I wonder why ..."

**Khan:** penetrating gaze

**Konrad: **"Oh joy ..." 

= = = = = = = =  
_Elsewhere ..._

**Dorn:** "Hmm ... where to find clues ... lots of Orks around here ..."

**Blue-armoured guy:** "Wonder why? Perhaps because this is an Ork-held world?"

**Dorn:** "Good point ... hey wait ... don't I know you from somewhere?"

**Blue-armoured guy: **"Probably. You look familiar. Only one guy I know can dress in yellow and still look bad ass"

**Dorn:** "Same with blue ... and I'm not talking about Rob ... wait! Allister Caine!"  
**  
Caine, Cygnar Warcaster: **"Rogal Dorn!"

**Dorn: **"Wait ... what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be in Warmachine?"

**Caine:** "All capitals dude. It's company requirement"

**Dorn:** "Sorry ... WARMACHINE"

**Caine**: "Better. Well ... I'm searching for the others"

**Dorn: **"Others? What the hell? They're here?"

**Caine: **"Yeah. Half our special characters have gone missing, and last I heard they're here. They're looking for the Fish of Time too"

**Dorn:** "What for?"

**Caine:** "Best guesses? To swap GW and Privateer Press around so PP started it all first ..."

**Dorn:** "What? Why aren't you with them?"

**Caine:** "Me? I like being the little guy instead of the bloated, greedy corporation"

**Dorn:** "Good point ... so you think they're here ..."

**Caine:** "The Butcher and Karchev are ... I heard he's lined up to be Garlock's opponent next round. That is, until you showed up. Now Garlock's talking about a showdown between you guys and them to see who gets to face him and win the Hope Key ..."

**Dorn:** "I see ... a fight between gaming systems!" _Clenches his fist._ "Bring it on ..."

_Who will win this titanic clash of awesome warriors of epic win? Tune in for the next chapter of Primarchs (which will be a little smaller than this one, I'm afraid!)._


	27. Chapter XXVII

**Fred:** "So everyone had a good New Year?"

**Magnus:** "It was OK"

**Perturabo:** "Passable"

**Vulkan:** "Man, I've seen better"

**Fred:** "Wow ... what's with you guys? Ever heard of a little party cheer?"

**Magnus:** "My dear, when you've seen over 10,000 of them, another year isn't much"

**Fred:** "Oh ... good point. Guess I must seem a little young eh?"

**Ferrus:** "Practically jailbait in comparison"

**Magnus:** "What?"

**Ferrus:** laughs

**Dorn:** "Emperor almighty man, it'll be like a mortal dating an **embryo**"

**Magnus:** "WHAT?"

**Fred:** "Relax, they're just jealous I prefer the older, **wiser** type of man" _Hooks her arm in Magnus' (and yes, the size difference is somewhat disturbing when you remember what Magnus now looks like (hint: Gargantuan)). _"Shall we lose them?"

**Magnus:** "Yes, my dear. Do lets" _As they walk off he gives the subtle 'I just pulled' look to Ferrus, who returns with the thumbs-up._

**Ferrus:** "Well ... guess Magnus won't be appearing in today's chapter"

**Dorn:** "Neither will you, because you two are in the same scene"

**Ferrus: **"Oh ... crap"

**Horus:** "Enough talking! I hope everyone had a good New Year! 2008 has arrived! The year of the Daemon! Ork! Vampire Counts! And possibly 5th Ed! For real! I now declare Chapter 27 ... begin!"

_Er ... thanks._

**Horus:** "Anytime. I know I'm just awesome like that" 

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S  
= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER TWENTY SEVEN*** = = = = = = = =

_"So I was like 'You want to betray the Emperor?' And Horus was all like 'Yeah, that's cool'" - Erebus, on the dramatic scene in _False Gods

_After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and their Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to combat the greatest evil known to the Warhammer 40,000 universe - the Forces of Retcon and their harbingers, the C'tan. _

_Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the Gates of Varl carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch Carl of the Eleventh Legion, the Fear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the C'tan by obtaining the only canon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star Gods when they were young (and without their undying servants) - the Fish of Time!_

_In the battle command bridge of the _Vengeful Spirit III_, the great Farseer of Ulthwe, Eldrad Ulthran, and the powerful psyker Malcador (who seems to have recovered somewhat from sustaining the Plot Device Webway ten thousand years ago) watch the Siege of Terra II unfold in the safety of space._

**Eldrad:** "What about the weapon platforms orbiting Terra? Have they been compromised?"

**Malcador:** "It seems the Martian Techpriests have allied themselves with the Void Dragon and have given all technological defences of Terra to Necron control"

**Eldrad:** "What about your half-naked Custodes?"

**Malcador:** "Half-naked?"

**Eldrad:** "Yeah, didn't they swore never to wear their armour and only a black loincloth and cloak for failing to protect your Corp ... I mean Emperor?"

**Malcador:** "Wow. I missed that. So ... they're like emo Spartans now?"

**Eldrad:** "Guess so. So what about them?"

**Malcador:** "If my intel is to believed, they're leading underground resistance forces in hit-and-run attacks on key Necron units using the Kill Team rules"

**Eldrad:** "Tell them they're getting an official army list soon"

**Malcador:** "Just for this campaign I assume?"

**Eldrad:** "Oh of course. It'll be banned from official tournaments afterwards and relegated to a dumbed-down Apocalypse datasheet like my strike force"

**Malcador:** "Dude, that sucks"

**Eldrad:** "Yeah, but I had forseen it. Which let me sell them all on eBay beforehand and buy myself a Revenant from Forgeworld"

**Malcador:** "Must be handy being a Farseer"

**Eldrad: **"Kind of. It's annoying seeing the end to this chapter and being bound by a non-disclosure agreement with Lastie not to spoil it"

**Malcador:** "Oh come on - a hint at least?"

**Eldrad:** "Don't eat the cookies"

**Malcador: **"Really? Oh ... OK. I'll keep that in mind ..."

**Eldrad:** "Getting back on track ... what about the Sisters of Silence?"

**Malcador:** "Suffered Spontaneous Mass Fluff Existence Failure somewhere along the timeline. Can't have two all-female army lists in this game anyway, and Sisters of Battle are more cooler ... and were first"

**Eldrad:** "Fair enough, so that leaves us with just the Imperial Fists ... what are they up to?"

**Malcador:** "Holding the line. Ezzie's leading the main force, he's got the Blood Angels, Dark Angels, Space Wolves, and a rediculous number of Imperial Guard led by Yarrick as support"

**Eldrad:** "That's all?"

**Malcador:** "Well the rest of the Imperium is busy keeping the Necrons at bay. We've got Tomb worlds waking up all over the place, and the Tyranids haven't been quiet either. The Orks are refusing to co-operate, and gave us the finger when we asked for help. Mind you, they were creative, said finger was made out of the bodies of all our diplomats ..."

**Eldrad:** "What about the Tau?"

**Malcador:** "Too busy watching endless repeats of _Gundam_ to offer any help ... bunch of bloody otakus ..."

**Eldrad:** "So that just leaves us Eldar. I've been on the Warp-phone to as many Craftworlds as I could. Unfortunately we have a problem ..."

**Malcador:** "What's that?"

**Eldrad:** "The Great Enemy ... C S Goto ... has resulted in a plague amongst my people. Instead of a noble race that practices great self-restraint and desire to see our empire restored ... we're now too busy killing each other and taking on flying Space Marine Terminators with the butts of our Reaper Missile Launchers to care for our survival ... we're a dying race ... only in this case it's in the imaginations of the next generation of gamers"

**Malcador:** "Wow ... that's ... horrible!"

**Eldrad:** "Indeed. We have our own fight, Malcador. One we must win ... or be reduced to the two-dimensional 'evil alien' image our Dark Kin suffered for years thanks to non-existent background fluff"

**Malcador:** "They got over it - look at them now! You will too! Hold fast! Keep the faith! Someday ... Jes Goodwin will grace you with more awesome models and make your race proud again!"

**Eldrad:** "Indeed. Praise be to Jes!"

_Torgaddon enters carrying a tray of hot steaming drinks and a plate of delicious chocolate-chip cookies for everyone._

**Torgaddon:** "Alright folks, caffeine sustenance and tasy snacks"

**Malcador:** "Ah cheers Tarik ... wait ... cookies? What have you done to it?"

**Torgaddon:** "Erm ... nothing. They're cookies. Chocolate-chip. Are you on a diet or something?"

**Malcador:** "You poisoned it right? Kill me for being a dirty loyalist? HAH! That's it! I'm onto your plan traitor!"

**Torgaddon:** "Er ... no. It's just a cookie"

**Malcador:** "I see through you Tarik Torgaddon! You can't fool me! I'll get my own damn cookies from now on!"

_Malcador storms out to seek the kitchen. _

**Eldrad:** _Taking a handful off the plate. _"Hmm ... more cookies for me. My lucky day"

**Torgaddon:** "Is there a day that goes by when you **don't** manipulate people for your own benefit?"

**Eldrad:** "I'm Eldar"

**Torgaddon:** "Guess that's a no. Wait ... is it the end of the chapter already? Where are the Primarchs?"

_Meanwhile, deep inside the heart of an active volcano on the Endless Hells of Kith ..._

**Konrad:** "Wait ... is that a Dragon?"

**Khan:** "I believe we've found the fantasy-crossover the audience requested"

**Malekith, Witch-King and Award-Winning Author of Maxim Magazine's 'How To Date Your Mum': **"And I believe I've found the main characters" _Extends a metal claw_. "Prepare yourselves Primarchs! The Fish of Time is no prize for just the 40K universe to enjoy! I will spare your life ... if you tell me where to find that pathetic 'recycled IN SPACE' version of me that mortals call Asdrubael Vect!"

_The Primarchs stare blankly for a moment._

**Malekith:** "What? I thought I made the point clear in a suitably evil fashion?"

**Konrad:** "Aren't you the dude who's screwing his own mum?"


	28. Chapter XXVIII

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S  
= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER TWENTY EIGHT*** = = = = = = = =  
_"Where's the damn kitchen on this vessel! What do you mean it doubles as the toilets? Who the hell's in charge of the catering staff? Oh ... Typhus ... right ..." - Malcador the Sigilite_

_After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and their Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to combat the greatest evil known to the Warhammer 40,000 universe - the Forces of Retcon and their harbingers, the C'tan.  
__  
__Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the Gates of Varl carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch Carl of the Eleventh Legion, the Fear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the C'tan by obtaining the only canon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star Gods when they were young (and without their undying servants) - the Fish of Time!_

_Deep in the heart of an active volcano on the Endless Hells of Kith, Khan and Konrad discover blatant disregard to the __GW__ insistence that __WFB__ and __40K__ do not share a common universe!_

**Konrad:** "What are you doing here mummy's boy? Our two universe haven't shared the same canon source since the early nineties!"

**Malekith:** "I found a loophole through the realms of fanfiction and fanon, it was surprisingly easy to traverse the canon barriers especially in the wake of our current situation with Hasbro"

**Konrad:** "Who? What? Speak sense man!"

**Malekith:** "Elf, actually"

**Konrad:** "Whatever, it's tough to see under all that scaring ..."

**Malekith:** "Do not mention the scars! If it wasn't for them **I** would have won Cosmopoliton's No.1 Most Eligible Bachelor! Not that closet nerd Eldrad Ulthran!"

**Konrad:** "I sense issues here ... is that why you're screwing your mum?"

**Malekith:** "Leave mummy out of this! Actually that's why I'm here in the first place ..."

**Konrad:** "Oh?"

**Malekith:** "Morathi's gone missing ... our expert scriers located her presence in this universe and I was able to follow her footsteps here, but I've lost the trail ... I bet she's finally made do on her threat to leave me for Vect!"

**Konrad:** "Why not use that finely-honed Elven booty sense? The one that tells you where the sex, drugs, and over-indulgeance is from miles away?"

**Malekith:** "It's not working properly, there's a great presence in the Force that blocks it ..." 

_Kerrigan and Angron collapse onto the bed._

**Kerrigan:** "Lets not do that again for a while - I need to recover dear!"

**Angron:** _Hoping out of bed._ "No worries, I'll go grab us an intermission snack" 

**Malekith:** "Hmm ... it's gone now. Sensing all decadance in the surrounding systems ... a large point nearby ... a world of excessive pleasures ..."

**Khan:** "A Slaaneshi Daemon world?"

**Konrad:** "Could be ... having said that wasn't the place where Mortarion, Fulgrim and Sanguinius were sent nearby?"

**Khan:** "Indeed, the system is only a couple dozen light years away!"

**Malekith:** "A world of pleasure, I'm betting mother's there having fun without me ... I must depart! Druchii host! Onwards!"

_Suddenly thousands of Dark Elf warriors appear from the darkness and follow Malekith as he heads towards the surface._

**Konrad:** "What about the lava?"

**Malekith:** "I'll use the back door!"

**Khan:** piercing gaze

**Konrad:** "Sorry, how was I supposed to know?"

**Khan:** "No matter, now that the Dark Elves are gone were can continue to search for the Key"

**Konrad:** "It's probably down there" _He points further down a different path in the cave system, where a faint glow can be seen_.

**Khan: **"What gave it away?"

**Konrad:** "The glow?"

**Khan:** "That's what I thought - let's move!"

_They start running._

**Konrad:** "A thought - how's Malekith going to get offworld?"

**Khan:** "Via Plot Hole, most likely"

**Konrad:** "Damn sneaky"

_Rounding a corner, they come to a sudden stop before a vast chamber. At the centre of which a huge array of plasma TV screens have been fixed. A single chair is positioned in front of them all, and the giant mounds of thousands of used cigarettes encircle it. A small servitor hurries back and forth between the chair and a giant fridge nearby._

**Konrad:** "I think we found more than just the key ... hey Carl!"

_The occupant of the chair turns around and throws a huge grin._

**Carl:** "Hey man ... how's it going? What's it been? A week?"

**Konrad:** "Try ten thousand years Carl"

**Carl:** "Wow ... man ... that's like ... whoa ... ten thousand years? Wow ... Korrang's still crap ..."

**Konrad:** "Is that what you're watching? Good music ..."

**Carl:** "Thought you might like it ... a beer?"

**Konrad:** "Sure ... why not?"

**Khan:** "But our quest!"

**Konrad:** "Can wait ... I need a drink So Carl, how's it been? Where's you Legion?"

**Carl: **"Had to sell them, only way I got these fifteen babies ..."

**Khan:** "You sold your Legion for a set of TV screens?"

**Carl:** "Hey man ... down with the harsh attitude ... wasn't like I was going to use them for anything ... they were just using my weed man ... drinking all my beer ... they had to go ..."

**Konrad:** "Who did you sell them to?"

**Carl:** "Some guy called Fabulous Bile or something ..."

**Khan:** "Who knows what manner of horrific genetic monstrosities Bile will create out of the Fear Loathers!"

**Konrad:** "As if the Fear Lothers would make good test subjects. Carl, can you tell us where the Key of Battle is?"

**Carl: **"What this?" _Holds up a small chunk of metal covered in elaborate Eldar runes. _"I thought it was the remote ..."

**Konrad:** "No Carl, it is far more important than that. Come with us! We're saving the universe!"

**Carl:** "Nah I'm good thanks ... it's a back-to-back Metallica in a sec"

**Konrad:** "Really?" _He ponders for a moment, ignoring the look on Khan's face (piercing gaze, what else?)_ "I suppose I could spare a moment or two"

**Khan: **piercing gaze 

_And speaking of Bile ..._

**Receptionist:** "Hello and welcome to Bile Genetics Inc. How many I help you?"

**Horus:** "We'd like to see Bile please ..."

**Receptionist:** "Do you have an appointment?"

**Horus:** "No, but-"

**Receptionist:** "Then sit down over there please and await for a moment when Mr. Bile is not busy"

**Horus:** "Oh ... when will that be?"

**Receptionist:** "Current estimates place sometime next millennia. We thank you for your patience"

**Horus:** "What? Now look here! I'm the bloody Warmaster!"

**Receptionist:** "That post is currently filled by a Mr. E Abaddon"

**Horus:** "What? That little git! He stole my Warmaster Benefits Card!"

**Receptionist:** "If you would like to lodge a complaint, our Complaints Department will get back to you within the next 100 years"

**Horus:** "Look we're kind of in an emergency here-"

**Receptionist:** "Please sit down and await your turn"

**Horus:** "But-"

**Receptionist:** "Please sit down sir or I'll have to call security"

**Horus:** "Well call them! Because I want to see Bile NOW!"

**Receptionist:** "Very well sir, you leave me with no choice" _She pressed a button under the desk._

_Several heavily armed (as in, they have many of them) gribbly things enter the reception lobby._

**Receptionist:** "Mr. Bile will be pleased to know his latest Primarch-Killing Carnifex Spawn have been tested"

**Horus:** "Primarch-Killing Carnifex Spawn?"

**Lorgar:** "Nice one Horus ... nice one"

**Horus:** _Out of the corner of his mouth._ "And who's idea was it to side with Chaos in the first place?"

**Lorgar:** "Touche"


	29. Chapter XXIX

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S  
= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER TWENTY NINE*** = = = = = = = = 

_"The buses are late? Exterminatus. Your boss not giving you a pay rise? Exterminatus. Ex-wife hassling you? Exterminatus. Is there any problem Exterminatus cannot solve? I have not found one yet" - Inquisitor Lord Coteaz_

After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and their Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to combat the greatest evil known to the Warhammer 40,000 universe - the Forces of Retcon and their harbingers, the C'tan.  
_  
__Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the Gates of Varl carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch Carl of the Eleventh Legion, the Fear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the C'tan by obtaining the only canon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star Gods when they were young (and without their undying servants) - the Fish of Time!_

_Having tacked Bile down, Horus, Lorgar and Lion El'jonson prepare to face the infamous Biomancer to gain Horus' arms back and restore the former Warmaster to his full fighting glory! However, Bile throws a spanner into the words with a shocking development!_

**Lorgar:** "How comes Carnifexes have higher Strength and Toughness than us?"

**Horus:** "Forget that, how comes they get the same physical stats, almost, as a C'tan? _And cost half the price?_"

**Lion:** "Because ... GW ... wish to sell ... a lot of them ... obviously"

**Horus:** "Dude, could you cut that out? It's tiring skipping past all those dots every time I come to your dialogue when we're reading the scripts before rehersals"

**Lion:** "You pay attention during rehersals, Mr-Method-Acting-Is-For-Wimps?"

**Horus:** "I'm the bloody Warmaster! Genius runs through my veins! People love me; women want to be with me ... and so do the men half the time which is **incredibly** disturbing ... but ... but **I'm the bloody Warmaster!**"

**Lorgar:** "Duly noted. So ... Warmaster ... any idea how to defeat the walking bio-tanks?"

**Lion:** "How well can you wound them?"

**Lorgar:** "Unlike you pansy Loyalists-"

**Horus:** "I'm not loyal!"

**Lorgar:** "But you're still relatively Human ... as I was saying ... unlike you guys I took a level in badass after the Heresy - BEHOLD DAEMONIC STATURE!"

**Lion:** "Wow ... I thought they got rid of that last Codex?"

**Lorgar:** "I didn't buy it, therefore I still fight using the old rules. I thank Magnus for his intricate knowledge of the fickle and badly-worded laws of physics that govern our universe!"

**Horus:** "So ... Mr. Monstrous Creature ... plan on whopping any Carnifex ass any time soon? Or are we going to sit here and talk for the entire Chapter like always?"

**Lion:** "We get some action done"

**Horus:** "True, but most of it's off-screen. How did we escape from the Rock? I don't know, that script wasn't written"

_You used your bad-ass Primarch skills. What else?_

**Horus:** "Ah! Of course. I'm a bad-ass Primarch! Thanks because I somehow keep forgetting that"

**Lorgar:** "Really?"

**Horus:** "No! That was sarcasm fool!"

**Lorgar:** "I'm sorry, but you're going to have to point that out every time you use it. Sarcasm doesn't translate well on Internet forums ..."

**Lion:** "Enough talking! Someone give me a Power Fist! I just have this crappy Sword of Honest Truth ..."

**Horus:** "What the hell does that do?"

**Lion:** "The opposite to the other Swords - I get -2 Strength and it ignores **my** Armour Saves!"

**Horus:** "Wow that sucks ... where did all that good Dark Angels wargear go?"

**Lion:** "Ask Jervis"

**Horus:** "Point"

**Lorgar:** "Right, Horus, Lion, stay back! I'm about to use cheesy Haines Rules!"

**Horus:** "Oh crap ..."

**Lorgar:** "I USE DEUS EX MACHINA!"

_A bright light appears and engulfs Lorgar, for a moment there is nothing to see but a sea of white, then Lorgar appears, dressed in __**epic**__ armour and wielding a huge sword._

**Lorgar:** "BEHOLD! THE ARMOUR OF BEARDYNESS AND THE SWORD OF CHEESE! With these epic items, forged by the Gods of old and forgotten amongst the dark depths of White Dwarf, I am blessed with a 2+ re-rollable Invulnerable Save, double Strength (to a maximum of 10), re-roll misses, and RENDING!"

**Horus:** "Not Rending!"

**Lorgar:** "Yes! Rending!"

**Horus:** "Kick their asses!"

**Lorgar:** "I plan to" _He leaps into action. A whirlwind of death and destruction, Lorgar destroys everything in his path. Eventually the devastation ends, and Lorgar stands triumphant._

**Lion:** "Congratulations, you managed to kill the Receptionist, destroy her desk and chair, obliterate her computer, kill the guy next to her carrying the files she asked for earlier, the old dude sitting nearby waiting for his appointment, the mother and her child who was screaming too loudly, the woman waiting for her appointment who was pissed off by the kid, the little girl reading the comic books and her dad who was reading his, the teenager sitting next to them making glances at the attractive woman sitting opposite, said attractive woman sitting opposite and her arrogant boyfriend, the vicar sitting near them, and the nun beside him, plus all the furniture they were sitting on and the posters on the wall ... yet .. somehow ... **THOSE BLOODY CARNIFEXES ARE STILL STANDING!**"

**Lorgar:** "What? How?"

**Lion:** "Regeneration"

**Lorgar:** "Now that's just not fair!"

**Horus:** "Says the guy using the 3.5 Ed Chaos Codex?"

**Lorgar:** "Right ... time to be **really** cheesy ... I USE THE POWER OF RULES AS WRITTEN!"_ Pulls out a large book from seemingly nowhere._ "According to paragraph B, column A, of the Fifth Edition Rulebook Regeneration may be used when a wounding hit is allocated, and I quote, "roll a D6 for each wound suffered, on a 6, gain a wound" however it fails to mention the wounding hit meaning you must re-allocated it to that wound, meaning you will roll for Regeneration again, meaning you must re-allocate my wounding hit again ..."

**Lion:** "Wait ... did Lorgar just do what I think he did?"

**Horus:** "Put the Carnifexes into a TTG BSOD*? Yeah ... looks like it ..."

**Lorgar:** "I'll credit that one to Magnus, obsessive rules-lawyer he is ... right guys, while they're trapped in an infinite loop of badly-designed rules, lets find Bile!"

**Bile:** "No need, for I am here ..."

**Lorgar:** "Bile!"

**Lion:** "Bile!"  
**  
Vect:** "Hey! How's it going? Looking good!"

**Horus:** "Bile! I need arms!"

**Bile:** "And I need a Power Weapon, but we can't all have everything we want ..."

**Horus:** "Bile, I'll do anything, but I need to fight! The universe depends on me!"

**Bile:** "Then we have ourselves a little situation. See ... I'm not happy that Ezzie took your dead body away from me and destroyed all my clones of you, ruining my little 'Horus Shrine' in the process"

**Horus:** "Wait ... 'Horus Shrine'?"

**Bile:** "Oh yes ..." _He opens his lab coat to reveal a 'I HEART HORUS!' T-shirt underneath._ "I am the founding member of the 'Horus Appreciation Guild', those clones were going to be membership gifts for new members ... but then Ezzie ruined all that!"

**Horus:** "Oh ... so ... what do you want from me?"

**Bile:** _Evil grin._ "I want an exclusive two-hour interview with everyone's favourite Primarch! I'll podcast it on my HAG site for all HAG members to download and play on their iPods! I'll conduct a live Q&A for all your fans to Astropath in txt messages with their questions!"

**Horus:** "Oh ... OK ... guess I don't really have a choice ..."

**Lorgar:** _Pats Horus on the shoulder._ "Was nice knowing you. In the case that your sanity doesn't survive the endless questions from your adoring fans ... can I have your _Star Wars_ DVDs?"

**Horus:** _Possessive look._


	30. Chapter XXX

P*R*I*M*A*R*K*S  
= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER THIRTY*** = = = = = = = =

**Lorgar:** "No ... wait! FPRIVATE "TYPE=PICT;ALT=""

**Fulgrim:** "Oh! We're selling clothes now? Oh my! I have some ideas I cou-"

_We interrupt everyone's favourite narcisstic Primarch to bring you the obligatory opening intro:_

_After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and their Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to combat the greatest evil known to the Warhammer 40,000 universe - the Forces of Retcon and their harbingers, the C'tan._

Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the Gates of Varl carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch Carl of the Eleventh Legion, the Fear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the C'tan by obtaining the only canon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star Gods when they were young (and without their undying servants) - the Fish of Time!

_As the galaxy slowly spirals into a war unlike any others (buy your summer campaign merchandise from all good __GW__ stores near you!), a small Tau outpost in the Eastern Fringe casually goes about its business as normal, unaware three immensely powerful beings and their elite squads of genetically engineered warriors have infiltrated the base in clever disguise ..._

**Tau Munitions Officer: **"I'll need you to check in that armour at the depot, sir"

**Roboute:** "What? I mean ... of course comrade! However, there seems to be a problem with the catch release, I can't get it off. Is there a medical bay where I can get treatment for a comrade's wounds?

**Tau Munitions Officer: **"No problem, I'll just get a plasma cutter and you'll be out of there in no time-"

**Roboute:** "NO! I mean ... ahem ... comrade, I'm deathly allergic to plasma! A whiff of the stuff and I go down like a drunk grox!"

**Tau Munitions Officer: **"A drunk what?"

**Roboute:** "Oh, I thought that was a universal joke? What's our equivalent of a grox?"

**Tau Munitions Officer:** "A Space Marine; both big dumb and easy to kill"

**Roboute:** "WHAT? I mean ... ahem ... well said comrade ... well said ... I'm going to f****** kill you later ... "

**Tau Munitions Officer: **"What was that?"

**Roboute:** "Oh ... nothing ... you're so dead"

**Tau Munitions Officer: **"Because it sounds like you're threatening to kill me under your breath ..."

**Roboute:** "I assure you comrade, that would not be beneficial to the Greater Good ..."

**Tau Munitions Officer: **"Oh cheers, I like to think I'm useful ..."

**Roboute:** "However, going away and leaving me alone **will** be beneficial to the Greater Good"

**Tau Munitions Officer:** "Will it? Well ... it **is** the Greater Good ..."

_He walks off, leaving a very surprised Roboute._

**Roboute: **"I can't believe that worked ..."

**Alpharious:** _Walking up behind Roboute, dressed in Crisis Suit armour as well._ "The Tau are a simple folk. Mention the Greater Good and they'll do anything for you. I got the schematics of the base and all the high-level security codes by mentioning to one Fire Warrior it would be in the best interest of the Greater Good to let me know all this base's secrets"

**Roboute:** "What? Very nice comrade!"

**Alpharious:** "... Rob ... it's me ... Alpharious ..."

**Roboute:** "How do I know that? How do I know you're not a Tau disguised as a Primarch disguised as a Crisis Suit?"

**Alpharious:** "Perhaps I'm a Primarch disguised as a Tau disguised as a Primarch disguised as a Crisis Suit, ever thought that?"

**Roboute:** "That makes sense. So, brother Alpharious? How goes the intel-gathering?"

**Alpharious:** "... good ... yeah ... good"

**Roboute:** "Where is the Key we search for then?"

**Alpharious: **"Still working on that one"

**Roboute:** "Really? You're not very good at this are you?"

**Alpharious:** "... obviously not. Look, I've heard the martial bunks are a good place to start. Go and chat around there"

**Roboute:** "Sure, good idea!"

_Roboute wanders off as Vulkan approaches Alpharious, he too is disguised as a Crisis Suit._

**Vulkan:** "Where did you send him?"

**Alpharious:** "Away. Now, I've got these schematics. They detail information about every floor in the fortress except for those of B12 and lower, which are unmarked"

**Vulkan:** "You think the Key's down there?"

**Alpharious:** "I've watched enough films to see blatant Plot Points when they appear. This has Secret Underground Base written all over it. Trouble is getting down there ..."

**Vulkan:** "High security?"

**Alpharious:** "And then some ... we need key cards Alpha, Beta, Gamma, Charlie, Wilson, Bob, and Derek to get in just the first gate. The second's even harder ..."

**Vulkan:** "More key cards?"

**Alpharious:** "No, get GW to release decent FAQs"

**Vulkan:** "Ouch. That'll be tricky"

**Alpharious:** "Well ... one thing at a time. First we need those key cards. Now I managed to get Derek from a Fire Warrior by mentioning the Greater Good, but I doubt that will work a second time ..."

**Vulkan:** "No ... this will be tricky ..."

**Roboute:** "Hey guys, look what I found! Cool little plastic discs with 'Alpha', 'Beta', 'Gamma', 'Charlie', 'Wilson' and 'Bob' written on them ..."

_Stunned silence._

**Alpharious:** "Roboute ... how the **** did you manage to do something constructive with your life?"

**Roboute:** "Hey man ... I'm like ... the Smurf Pimp!"

**Alpharious:** "That's not really a good title to have Rob"

**Roboute:** "But Pimps are cool!"

**Alpharious:** "We try not to endorse prostitution here ..."

**Roboute:** "What has that got to do with Pimps?"

**Alpharious:** "... Rob ... do you actually **understand** half the things you say?"

**Roboute:** "Why wouldn't I? I'm a Primarch! I have, like, genetical-knowledge-thingies in me!"

**Alpharious:** "You were dropped on the head while a test tube weren't you?"

**Roboute:** "Eh?"

**Vulkan:** "Leave him be, Alpharious. Rob has more important things to worry about, like making sure he keeps breathing"

**Alpharious:** "Fair enough. So, we have all the keys for the first gate. That leaves the second, and how to get GW to release FAQs within five years of a Codex's publication ..."

**Roboute:** "Oh that's easy. Tell them chicks dig FAQs"

**Alpharious:** "Yeah Rob, whatev- ... wait ... that could be crazy enough to work ..."

_Fifteen minutes and one phone call later._

**Alpharious:** "Well that was remarkably easy. Congratulations Rob, my opinion of you has totally changed thanks to two remarkably decent performances there"

**Roboute:** "Oh yeah! Rob's in DA house!"

**Alpharious:** "Yes ... well you know my opinion of you? It's reverted"

**Roboute:** "It's got better?"

**Alpharious:** "... yes Rob ... yes ... it has indeed got better ... in negativity"

**Roboute:** "Who's DA man!"

**Alpharious:** "Can we scene-change now? Please? Before I kill him?"

**Vulkan:** "In the same way he 'killed' you?"

**Alpharious:** "No, because unlike Rob, I'm actually good at this 'being a genetically engineered superhuman' thing"

**Vulkan:** "You sided with Chaos, I believe that voids all your rights to bear opinions"

**Alpharious:** "When I get Daemonic Gifts? I believe I'm happy with that trade ..."

**Vulkan:** "What? Oh God-damn cheesy Chaos wargear!"

**Alpharious:** "Enough talk. Lets get our collective asses downstairs and find out what these Tau are keeping locked up in their basement"

**Vulkan:** "Who wants to bet it's nothing good?"

**Alpharious:** "I'll bet you it's as likely as some random Tanith dying at the end of the next Gaunt's Ghost book"

**Vulkan:** "I like it when things are certain ... lets roll ladies!"

_They head down into the lower floors of the fortress ..._


	31. Chapter XXXI

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER THIRTY ONE*** = = = = = = = = 

_"I don't care if you have an iron-cast aliby, twenty witnesses all swearing you never did the deed, and forensic evidence of your innocence - it proves nothing! Nothing I say!" - Inquisitor Lord Coteaz_

After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and their Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to combat the greatest evil known to the Warhammer 40,000 universe - the Forces of Retcon and their harbingers, the C'tan.

Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the Gates of Varl carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch Carl of the Eleventh Legion, the Fear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the C'tan by obtaining the only canon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star Gods when they were young (and without their undying servants) - the Fish of Time!

**Lorgar:** "Look, is it really necessary to repeat all this **every** time we have a new chapter?"

_Well, if __BL__ insist on putting those paragraphs at the beginning of __**every**__BL__ book (and you know the ones) ..._

**Horus:** "Dude ... **issues **..."

_Oh quiet. You're not in this chapter anyway ..._

**Vulkan:** "Damn straight!"

**Backing Choir:** "Who's that Primarch who smites all the heretics? VULKAN!"

**Vulkan:** "You know it baby ..."

_Continuing from last chapter ..._

**Vulkan:** "So ... any ideas?"

**Alpharious:** "I have to admit ... I didn't quite imagine it to be so ... large ..."

**Roboute:** "Or green ..."

**Vulkan:** "Or pulsating ..."

**Alpharious:** "Erm ... we are all talking about the same thing here right? The giant Necron monolith they have stored underground in their secret research facility we've stunningly managed to infiltrate while wearing Crisis suits taken from those Fire Warriors we butchered a few hours back?"

**Vulkan:** "Yeah ... why?"

**Alpharious: **"Just checking, I don't want innuendo to ruin my scene"

**Roboute:** "In your what?"

**Alpharious:** "Never mind Rob, just take the medication ... Vulkan ... any ideas?"

**Vulkan:** "It's not important. We ignored it. Our focus is the Key, not any stupid things the Tau may be doing to long-dormant Necron war machines ..."

**Alpharious:** "Agreed ... lets all just carry on investigating. The key's most likely around here somewhere ... it's an ancient Eldar relic so would look suitably sexy to Earth Caste scientists ..."

**Vulkan:** "Right ... everyone split up an- ... **ROB! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?**"

**Roboute:** "So pretty ... it's got my favourite shade of blue ..."

**Random (And Doomed) Earth Caste Scientist:** "What the hell is he doing? Get that suit away from X-51!"

**Another Random (And Equally Doomed) Earth Caste Scientist:** "NO! Don't touch the object!"

_He does. Hell Breaks Loose._

**Vulkan:** "It's alive! Watch our for the Particle Whip!"

**Alpharious:** "Dude ... it's only AP3 ..."

**Vulkan:** "Oh ... had me worried there for a moment ... he he ... look at all the Tau dying in droves ... sucks to be science personnel wearing 6+ Armour Saves ..."

**Alpharious:** "Rob! Vulkan! He's stepping into the portal!"

**Roboute:** "Such ... fantastic ... diamond ... iPods!"

**Vulkan:** "Damn it Rob!"

_Vulkan runs after Rob, but fails to reach his brother before the portal closes._

**Vulkan:** "NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

**Alpharious:** "Suitably dramatic, but you don't have to fool anyone. The Ultramarines with us got lost a couple of floors up and I haven't seen them since"

**Vulkan:** "Oh ... in which case: DAMMIT ROB! I WANTED TO JUMP THROUGH THE PORTAL AND KICK NECRON ASS ON THEIR HOME TURF!"

**Alpharious:** "Right ... I guess that throws dealing with this Monolith into a new light ..."

**Vulkan:** "Easy ..."

_Vulkan punches the Monolith. It crashes to the ground and the giant crystal atop dims. _

**Alpharious:** "In the words of Ferrus Manus ... double-ewe tee eff question mark?"

**Vulkan:** "Living Metal-Coated Hands. Thought they might come in handy some time, other than they look awesome"

**Alpharious:** "Interesting, I guess the only thing Living Metal doesn't ignore is ... Living Metal ... right. We need the get the portal working" _Turns around to face the Space Marines (disguised as Stealth Suits). _"Spread out ... find any survivors. We need Earth Caste scientists"

**Space Marines ... in disguise!: **"FOR THE EMPEROR/CHAOS/DELETE AS APPROPRIATE!"

**Alpharious:** "Er ... yeah ..."

**Vulkan:** "I found one!"

_Vulkan lifts up a heavy bank of alien computers to reveal a Tau cowering beneath._

**Earth Caste Scientist:** "PLEASE! DON'T HURT ME!"

**Vulkan:** "Do not worry dirty xenos ... today you live, for we need one with yours skills"

**Alpharious:** "We need you to get the portal up and running. Can you do that?"

**Earth Caste Scientist:** "P-p-perhaps ..."

**Alpharious:** "I'm going to pretend that last answer was 'absolutely' and we'll roll with that ... OK?"

**Earth Caste Scientist:** "O-o-o-k ..."

**Alpharious:** "'Oook'? We're Jokearo now?"

**Earth Caste Scientist: **"I-I-I!"

**Vulkan:** "What's that smell?"

**Alpharious:** "I seem to have made him piss himself ... right - it's settled. We're calling you Otacon!"

**Otacon:** "W-w-what?" 

_Meanwhile, half-way across the galaxy ..._

**Fulgrim:** "Maybe if we bribed it?"

**Sanguinius:** "With what?"

**Fulgrim:** "Membership accounts with major online porn and hentai groups?"

**Sanguinius:** "I don't have any! Not that I believe it would work anyway ..."

**Fulgrim:** "Oh of course ... and last night you were ... what?"

**Sanguinius:** "That was an accident! I wanted some bibles with a black cover ..."

**Fulgrim:** "A likely story!"

**Llama:** "Do you two mind?"

**Sanguinius:** "Anyway, that's a point ... Mortarion, what the hell are you doing with a Llama?"

**Mortarion:** "I met him a bar, he didn't reject me ... like you guys ..."

**Fulgrim:** "Oh go cry us a river of puss emo boy"

**Mortarion:** "Let it be known that at some stage in this story I shall be your only hope of getting out of a sticky situation! It's only the classic way of redemption!"

**Sanguinius:** "Yeah ... but this is a **parody** Mort. It exists to make fun of story tropes like that"

**Mortarion:** "Oh ... bugger"

**Ev'rii:** "Don't worry dear, I believe in you"

**Sanguinius:** "And what are the two random Daemonettes doing here?"

**Ka'ndii:** "We're not 'random'!"

**Fulgrim:** "At least they're both the old metal ones. We lost the new plastic 'nettes back with the Keeper of Secrets ..."

**Sanguinius:** "Good **Gods** will that thing not die?"

**Fulgrim:** "Gods? Sanguinius since when were you religious?"

**Sanguinius:** "I've been hanging around you too long, that's the problem ..."

_Suddenly the wall bursts down ..._

**Keeper of Secrets:** "I've found you Primarchs!"

**Fulgrim:** "CRAP!"

_The Keeper of Secrets lunges forwards ... then collapses and dies. An armoured figure pulls out his sword from the back of the Daemon's head._

**Malekith:** "Damn. It'll take **ages** to get Daemon blood off my sword ... oh ... more Primarchs?"

_Stunned silence._

**Sanguinius:** "Wait ... aren't you the guy who's screwing his own mum?"

**Malekith:** "Oh for the love of ... can people just **please** give that a rest?" 


	32. Chapter XXXII

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S  
= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER THIRTY TWO*** = = = = = = = =

_"We Eldar have gotten used to being screwed over by __GW__ at every opportunity, to the point where we, in our infinite arrogance, believe that only __**we**__ can do 'getting screwed over' in __**style**__. The Squats? Pah, the stunties couldn't get eaten by Tyranids properly if they were given a guidebook with foot-high pictures, and __**annotated with designer's notes**__" - Eldrad Ulthran_

_After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and their Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to combat the greatest evil known to the Warhammer 40,000 universe - the Forces of Retcon and their harbingers, the C'tan._

Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the Gates of Varl carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch Carl of the Eleventh Legion, the Fear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the C'tan by obtaining the only canon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star Gods when they were young (and without their undying servants) - the Fish of Time!

_Aboard Ezekyle Abaddon's flagship, the _Vengeful Spirit III_, our supporting cast mill about and wonder what to do with their lives while our __**real**__ heroes go about saving __**Life As We Know It**__!_

**Eldrad:** "Like hell I will. Taldeer, is the WRC channel established?"

**Taldeer:** "Yes Eldrad, you have moderator privileges"

**Eldrad:** "Excellent, sign me in"

**Torgaddon:** "So ... what is all this?" _He gestures around the room at the various psykers positioned in a hexagram, all of them silently chanting to themselves as warp-stuff leaks out of eyes and mouths._

**Eldrad:** "Oh, a Warp Relay Chat channel - WRC. I want to know how your Primarchs are doing and this is the best way"

**Torgaddon:** "Oh ... awesome"

**Abaddon:** _His face appears suspended above the floor at the centre of the hexagram._ "Excuse Tarik, the millennia have not been kind to what little intelligence he possessed before the 'Heresy'"

**Torgaddon:** "That's not nice Ezzie!"

**Abaddon:** "And stop calling me that! It was bad enough when I was given a first name, how are people supposed to take me seriously as the destroyer of worlds - The Despoiler - when I have a nickname!"

**Eldrad:** "Heaven forbid you should be given a three dimensional character ..."

**Abaddon:** "Exactly!"

_Horus, Lorgar, and the Lion sign on. Their faces appearing beside Ez- I mean ... Abaddon's._

**Horus: **"What's up?"

**Abaddon:** "Please my lord, it's bad enough when simple Marines use such vulgar modern-day-" _He looks at you._ "-to you guys at least - terminology, but for a **Primarch** to use it!"

**Horus:** "My apologies ... so what's up peeps?"

**Abaddon:** _Facepalms_

**Eldrad:** "Horus, what's the situation with your search?"

**Horus:** "We're a little sidetracked fixing my arms"

**Lorgar:** "And before that we got sidetracked even more saving Lion from Moogles"

**Eldrad:** "From **what?**"

**Lorgar:** "Moogles, you know, those unbearably cute bear things with the dangling pom-poms from _Final Fantasy_?"

**Eldrad:** "My Gods ... it's begun! The Legion of Cute!"

_Dorn, Perturabo and Corax also appear._

**Dorn:** "It's worse than that, Privateer Press are attempting a Fluff takeover"

**Perturabo:** "They've sent their greatest warriors to teach us how to fight with balls, or something ..."

**Torgaddon:** "Wow ... think they're in denial over something?"

**Eldrad:** "When the official company slogan is 'Play like you've got a pair?' I think they have issues ..."

**Corax:** "That doesn't matter if we don't beat them! They have a better-written ruleset!"

**Horus:** "But we have a background made of awesome ... and win! While their's has villains colour-coded for ease of moral reference"

**Lion:** "But isn't that happening now? With the new HH stuff. The grey is disappearing, good and evil are becoming obvious and we're dressing to style ourselves with moral alignments ..."

**Eldrad:** "It is a dark hour for the dark millennium ... the insanity is being replaced by characters who demonstrate frightening sanity! It started with Gaunt - a **nice** Commissar - now it spread to the Astartes with ... kind Ultramarine Captains ..."

**Horus:** "Although to be fair the Ultramarines were always pansies ..."

**Eldrad:** "And now my people are being portrayed as child molesters more interested in fighting amongst ourselves than the Great Enemy!"

**Slaanesh:** "You called?"

**Eldrad:** "I was talking about Goto"

**Slaanesh:** "Oh damn him! It was fun when I was the only one your people hated ... it was kinda arou-"

**Lorgar: **"Quickly changing the subject-"

_Alpharius and Vulkan sign in._

**Alpharius:** "We've lost Rob!"

**Horus:** "Dammit! I told you to keep him in his baby harness!"

**Alpharius:** "he's a big boy now Horus, I thought I could trust him to **not** destroy the universe as we know it-"

**Dorn:** "Or screw up our Legions with his retarded rulesets ..."

**Alpharius:** "-but he stepped through a Monolith portal about an hour ago"

**Horus:** "WHAT? There's no telling where he is now!"

**Eldrad:** "I know ..."

**Horus:** "Oh of course you do ... you're a Farseer! Precognition and crap"

**Eldrad:** "He's with the Outsider ... it's not precognition, it's common sense. He's the only C'tan we haven't seen yet in this story ..."

**Alpharius:** "By the Gods ... Rob with the Outsider?"

_There's silence ... _

**Horus:** "Man ... gotta feel sorry for that C'tan ..."

**Eldrad:** "Agreed. Let him stay there for a while and keep the mad god busy"

_Magnus, Ferrus and Leman appear._

**Eldrad:** "Ah, and how is everything?"

**Leman:** "Well, I've got a F****** AWESOME sword, Magnus found some Eldar _D&D_ supplements, and Ferrus has found himself the perfect bandwidth-"

**Ferrus:** "82Tbps! Oh baby!"

**Magnus:** "And I have **so** hooked up with the perfect girl- smart, hot, loves the geeky stuff ... oh ... and is bi"

**Horus:** "Why you jammy little son of a-"

**WE INTERRUPT YOUR USUAL PROGRAMME TO BRING YOU THIS PERFECTLY HARMLESS COMMERCIAL RATED SUITABLE FOR ALL BY THE IMPERIAL BOARD OF FILM CLASSIFICATION:**

**Little Jimmy:** "Mummy, when I grow up, can I be a Space Marine?"

**Mummy:** "I don't know Little Jimmy, lets talk to Captain Uriel Ventris about being a Space Marine"

**Uriel Ventris:** "Well little Jimmy, when you're chosen by the Chapter you'll undergo thirty years of intensive psychoindoctrination, gene therapy, hypnosis, and cellular restructuring. 80% of Space Marine applications will die in their first five years, 15% suffer extreme side effects resulting in their immediate liquidation. Of the remaining 5% over half will die in their first decade of combat experience before the implantation of the final zygote, the Black Carapace, can be completed. For those lucky enough to survive, you will spend the rest of your life in endless warfare killing thousands of unworthy scum and xenos for the glory of the Emperor!"

**Little Jimmy:** "Wow Mr. Ventris! That sounds awesome! But ... will I see my mummy again?"

**Ventris:** "No, Little Jimmy, you won't"

**THE GALAXY IS A DANGEROUS PLACE, MAKE IT SAFER BY BLOWING **** UP!**  
**JOIN THE SPACE MARINES; TRAVEL TO NEW LOCATIONS, MEET NEW PEOPLE, KILL THEM ALL FOR THE GLORY OF THE EMPEROR!**

**WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR NORMAL PROGRAMME:**

**Horus:** "-horse-loving teacup!"

**Torgaddon:** "... wow ... did I just miss something 'cause there was a commercial and-"

**Abaddon:** "Tarik ... shut up"

_Khan, Angron, and Konrad appear._

**Konrad:** "Guess who's just joined the party ..."

_Fulgrim, Sanguinius, and Mortarion appear._

**Fulgrim:** "Our WFB cousins are here ..."

**Eldrad:** "I know"

**Sangunius:** "What, but how?"

**Horus:** "He's a Farseer, he has precognition ..."

**Eldrad:** "Alas, I would love to claim my genius. But in this case-"

_He stands to one side, revealing a Elf sitting down idly drinking a cup of steaming chemicals of magical nature._

**Teclis:** "Greetings all. My friend Eldrad here tells me you need a little magical apocalypse?"

**Eldrad:** "We went to university together ... Saphery Scholarship in Warp-Spawned Armageddon ..."


	33. Chapter XXXIII

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER THIRTY THREE*** = = = = = = = = 

_After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and their Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to combat the greatest evil known to the Warhammer 40,000 universe - the Forces of Retcon and their harbingers, the C'tan._

Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the Gates of Varl carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch Carl of the Eleventh Legion, the Fear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the C'tan by obtaining the only canon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star Gods when they were young (and without their undying servants) - the Fish of Time!

We rejoin our heroes aboard the Vengeful Spirit III ...

**Horus:** "Teclis!"

**Teclis:** "I do believe that's my name cough ... such a pleasure to meet the great cough again"

**Horus:** "You alright?"

**Teclis:** "A mild case of hack ... should clear up when the cough goes down wheez"

**Lorgar:** "So ... is he going to drop dead on us anytime soon? Because I don't want any Eldar fans writing in claiming we're no better than Gotto-"

**Eldrad:** "Do not speak the name of the Great Enemy!"

**Slaanesh:** "Yes dear?"

**Eldrad:** "Oh shut up! You know I'm not talking about you!"

**Slaanesh:** "That's not what you said this morning in bed ..."

_Awkward silence ..._

**Horus:** "Lets pretend we didn't hear that and continue ... OK?"

**Eldrad:** "Please do"

**Fulgrim:** "Oh can't we talk about Eldrad's se-"

**Sanguinius:** "No. I have Malekith here, shall I sign him on?"

**Teclis:** "Lets hear what the cough Druchii has to say about wheez"

**Lion:** "Is he going to do that all the time because it's highly irritating"

**Teclis:** "Oh go kill some flower sellers you white-haired pretty boy!"

**Lion:** "I take offence from that. I'll have you know I am incredibly manly! I am a man's man! I have more testosterone than Rambo and Jack Baur combined! I'M MORE HARDCORE THAN CHUCK NORRIS!"

_Lion's image disappears in a flash of AWESOME LIGHT!_

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"NO ONE IS MORE HARDCORE THAN CHUCK NORRIS! PWNED FOR HERESY BEYOND DESCRIPTION! Right guys, carry on with the story. Me and Dragon here are just catching up on _Seinfield_ ..."

**Eldrad:** "Er ... yeah ... OK. Sanguinius, please sigh Malekith on"

_Malekith's image appears._

**Malekith:** "Greetings"

**Teclis:** "Look folks cough ... it's mummy's boy!"

_General laughter all round._

**Malekith:** "Ha ha ... very funny ... at least I'm getting some ... I hear you are searching for the Fish of Time?"

**Eldrad:** "That is correct. You know of the Fish?"

**Malekith:** "Who doesn't? The power to travel back in time to any point in the established canon! The wonders one could do! The damage you could inflict ... it's beyond measure!"

**Horus:** "Do you seek the Fish also?"

**Malekith:** "I seek my mother-"

_General sniggering all round._

**Malekith:** "Oh cut that out! How many of you can claim to be in a relationship?"

**Eldrad: **"Well ..."

**Magnus:** "Just started"

**Angron: **"She's perfect! Angry like me!"

**Lorgar:** "I have to finish this quest by five or I don't get my dinner; Lilith's very insistent ..."

**Abaddon:** "Tell me about it. I swear marriage was designed to inflict pain upon us men ..."

_Silence ..._

**Abaddon:** "What?"

**Horus:** "Who the hell married you?"

**Abaddon:** "Your biographer"

**Horus:** "_**Petronella?**_ I **killed** her!"

**Abaddon:** "When's that ever stopped a journalist ... turns out she did a piece on the Von Carsteins before she accepted you as the subject of her next work"

**Horus:** "She's a **vampire**?

**Abaddon:** "Apparently. That or she really likes to dress up in goth clothes and has allergies to garlic for coincidental reasons ..."

**Lorgar:** "Wow ... that explains the Black Crusades: you're trying to get away from her!"

**Abaddon:** "Not really ... they're just holidays ... men's break-style holidays ... just me and the lads ... burning the galaxy for the weekend ... you know"

**Lorgar:** "Know the feeling ..."

**Dorn:** "Wait ... so the crusades where just a release for your multiple mid-life crisis?"

**Abaddon:** "That's one way of putting it ..."

**Horus:** "So what's it like being married to a vampire?"

**Abaddon:** "Draining, she'll suck the life out of you ..."

**Horus:** "Ezekyle ... was that attempt at humour?"

**Torgaddon:** "I do believe I've just seen a flying pig!"

**Fulgrim:** "No, that's just Sanguinius"

_General laughter all round._

**Sanguinius:** "WHAT?"

**Malekith:** "I'm glad someone else is the butt of all jokes ..."

**Horus:** "We'll be getting back to you later"

**Malekith:** "Oh joy ..."

**Eldrad:** "So to sum this sorry state of affairs ... has **anyone** found a key?"

**Konrad:** "We have ... and we found Carl"

**Horus:** "Oh how is he?"

**Konrad:** "Stoned"

**Horus:** "Figures ..."

**Eldrad:** "I won't bother asking if he could give us a hand then ... however Teclis is here, and with his help we've established the WRC. This should keep everyone up to speed-"

**Horus:** "Oh damn ... Konrad won the bet"

**Konrad:** "Oh yeah! Pay up folks! Pay the Night Haunter his due!"

**Perturabo:** "Bloody hell ... and I just spent all my money on a new Vindi Linebreaker squadron ..."

**Magnus:** "Well that'll teach you to spend all your money on plastic models ..."

**Abaddon:** "Wish I had money to spend on a hobby ... Ella keeps spending all of ours on new clothes ..."

**Horus:** "Who?"

**Abaddon:** "My vampire wife, do keep up"

**Horus:** "Sorry ..."

**Perturabo:** "Horus ... did you just apologise to your First Company Captain?"

**Abaddon:** "Hell yeah, and it was long overdue!"

**Horus:** "You won't be getting another one for the next ten thousand years ..."

**Abaddon:** "Oh they're worth it ... they're worth it ... hang on - I've got to call Ella and tell her what's happened ..."

**Horus:** "Oh for the love of ..."

**Eldrad:** "How many more chapters is this meeting going to devourer?"

**Magnus:** "With my brothers, do you really want to ask that?"

**Eldrad:** "I'll get comfortable ..." 


	34. Chapter XXXIV

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER THIRTY FOUR*** = = = = = = = = 

_"Dude ... what happened?" - Squat Lord post-3rd Ed_

After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and their Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to combat the greatest evil known to the Warhammer 40,000 universe - the Forces of Retcon and their harbingers, the C'tan.

Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the Gates of Varl carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch Carl of the Eleventh Legion, the Fear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the C'tan by obtaining the only canon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star Gods when they were young (and without their undying servants) - Rick Priestly's Laptop!

**Lorgar:** "Wait ... what was that?"

_Hah! I knew someone was still reading the copypasta intro!_

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"Well I didn't, and for making me look like a fool and scan backwards to see what the hell Lorgar was on about - REJECTED!"

_Massive burst of psychic energy consumes Lastie._

**Dorn:** "What happened?"

**Lorgar:** "Dad just destroyed the narrator again"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"I was just looking for an excuse, I've been reading his posts over in the 40K Background forum! **YOU DARE BLASPHEME AGAINST ME?**"

_Ouch ... that hurt ... thank God for Author's Saving Throw (2+ We Get To Do Anything We Want Save) ..._

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"Meh. This isn't over! Not by a long shot! Watch your back ... for my sword is sharp and flamey and covered in cheese! My armour is gold and shiny ... very shiny ... which will hurt your eyes and guide my blade! Watch your-"_ The Emperor's voice trails away as his Golden Wheelchair is led away by Malcador the Sigilite ..._

**Lorgar:** "Oh thank the Gods for that ... right, shall we-" _The theme tune for _CSI: Miami_ plays from his pocket._ "-oh ... hold on guys ..." _He pulls out a mobile Warp-phone._

**Dorn: **"Neat ringtone ..."

**Lorgar:** "What? Oh hello dear ... erm ... can this wait? Food's getting cold? Well I'm sorry the quest's going on longer than I- ... OK dear ... what? Can we talk abou- ... OK dear ... the couch it is ..." _He hangs up and sighs._

**Dorn:** "So ... how's the whole 'godlike being of absolute power' working for you?"

**Lorgar:** "Apparently no-one at GW was married when they wrote, otherwise they would know of the absolute power of the wife ... can we hurry this up? I've already been banned to the couch for the next year ..."

_We strip away the pseudo-scene that has existed so far to reveal where we left our heroes last time - in the battle room of the _Vengeful Spirit III_ ..._

**Eldrad:** "Poor you ..."

**Lorgar:** "Hey - I don't think someone screwing Slaanesh has the right to comment about someone involved in a stable relationship"

**Eldrad:** "Very stable - it's obvious who wears the trousers in your pairing"

**Horus:** "Hen-pecked somewhat, Lorgar?"

**Lorgar:** "Hey! Quiet!"

**Abaddon:** _Ignoring the general laughter._ "We've touched down on Terra, the Necrons have arranged a welcome party"

**Horus:** "What manner of foul xenos-tech does it feature?"

**Abaddon:** "Apparently, according to Logan, some 'damn sweet ale and tasty cheese buiscuits ..."

**Horus:** "What?"

**Vulkan:** "So you were being **literal** when you said 'welcome party'?"

**Abaddon:** "Indeed. The foul Deceiver has pulled a fast one on us and trapped our forces in a spiral of alcohol and rock music!"

**Horus:** "But ... we don't have Armour Saves against Nirvana!"

**Abaddon:** "Indeed. I fear the Siege of Terra has failed before it has even begun!"

**Eldrad:** "This is sad news indeed ... Taldeer ... I need speak to Yriel ..."

**Taldeer:** "Of course sir"

_She mutters something, then Uriel Ventris appears._

**Uriel:** "Hello? Anything I can do for you guys? Can we make this short? Graham McNeil wants me back for my new book ..."

**Eldrad:** "Taldeer, have you still got shrapnel embedded in your ears? I asked for **Yriel**, not **Uriel**!"

**Taldeer:** "Oh ... him ... sorry ... " __

She mutters something else, and Uriel Ventris disappears to be replaced by everyone's favourite Eldar pirate.

**Yriel:** "Hey! Eldrad! **Dude!** Long time no see!"

**Eldrad:** "I wonder why ... look, I wouldn't call you and suffer your annying Path-free attitude to life without a reason: the Siege of Terra has faltered due to the Deceiver's use of 'alternative measures'. We need someone who can enjoy drink, drugs and rock and roll without forgetting the mission"

**Yriel:** "That's me! I'm your man!"

**Eldrad:** "I know ... unfortunately ... look go slap those Imperials back onto track for us, please?"

**Yriel:** "Sure, mind if I take a few friends for help? They got written out of the new Eldar Codex, so they're feeling kinda down at the moment"

**Eldrad:** "Sure ... whatever"

**Yriel:** "Cheers man!"

_Yriel disappears._

**Eldrad:** "Right, that's that problem hopefully sorted. Vulkan and Alpharius - continue your search for the Key. Roboute Guilliman can endure the hospitality of the Necrontyr until we obtain the powers of the Fish of Time"

**Vulkan:** "I'm sure he'll be disappointed to miss out on the action"

**Alpharius:** "With any luck Rob and the Outsider will destroy each other in a clash of insanities ..."

**Dorn:** "We can but hope ..."

**Eldrad:** "Dorn, you Perturabo and Corax must defeat these infiltrators from WARMACHINE and obtain the key, are you up to this task?"

**Perturabo:** "I was born ready. We'll show those 'plastic is for wimps' idiots who's boss!"

**Eldrad:** "Excellent. The rest of you know what to do-"

**Horus:** "Excuse me. Not to sound ungrateful ... but **WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE XENOS TO ORDER US PRIMARCHS?**"

**Eldrad:** "The guy who knows what you did last summer"

**Horus:** "You mean with the ... in the ... with ... involving ... and custard?"

**Eldrad**: _Nods._

**Horus:** "OK guys ... you heard the xenos! Roll out! Primarch-style!"

**Dorn:** "Insert pumped-up team cry here"

**Horus:** "Indeed"

_The images quickly all vanish, except for Abaddon._

**Abaddon:** "One quick question. Is the Fish of Time real?"

**Eldrad:** "Oh he is. The Emperor refuses to believe in him because it means there's an entity more powerful than he. It's an ego thing I believe ..."

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"I HEARD THAT! REJECTED!"

_Nothing happens._

**Eldrad:** "Excellent. I passed my Author's Saving Throw"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"For the love of ...!"

_Sucks ... doesn't it?_

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"Oh ... it's **on!**"

**Eldrad:** "You two take it outside. I've got vast amounts of plotting to do"

**Abaddon:** "So we could actually do this? Travel back in time and defeat the C'tan?"

**Eldrad:** "Indeed"

**Abaddon:** "Very well. I will do my part"

_Abaddon disappears._

**Torgaddon:** "Far be it for me to point something out, considering I'm supposed to be the comic relief here ... but wouldn't destroying the C'tan before the War in Heaven result in a change of the timeline, probably preventing the Imperium of Man from existing?"

**Eldrad:** _Smiles ..._

**Torgaddon:** "Because if the War in Heaven never existed .. then the Old Ones will still be around ... and the Eldar ... oh dear"

**Eldrad:** "Taldeer?"

**Taldeer:** "PMT-POWERED PSYCHIC ELDRITCH BLAST!"

_Torgaddon dissolves in an aura of psychic energy._

**Eldrad:** "Indeed. The Eldar Empire will not fall, the Imperium of Man will not exist, and Chaos will be a small echo in the Warp. Everyone wins ... well ... just us Eldar I suppose ..."

**Taldeer:** "Phase 2?"

**Eldrad:** "Phase 2"

**Taldeer:** "Shall I get the cheese and crackers to celebrate?"

**Eldrad:** "Yes ... I do fancy some cheese right now" 

**END OF PART II  
**


	35. Chapter XXXV

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S

PART III - PARODY LIKE YOU'VE GOT A PAIR!

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER THIRTY FIVE*** = = = = = = = =

"No one truly hates Blood Angels, even the modest hardened anti-BA fan will admit that Mephiston is teh awesomeness" - AnonAfter ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and their Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to combat the greatest evil known to the Warhammer 40,000 universe - the Forces of Retcon and their harbingers, the C'tan.

Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the Gates of Varl carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch Carl of the Eleventh Legion, the Fear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the C'tan by obtaining the only canon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star Gods when they were young (and without their undying servants) - the Fish of Time!

With Torgaddon's death Eldrad's horrifying ... ah who am I kidding I love Eldar - Eldrad's AWESOME plan to erase the Imperium from histroy continues. Blissfully ignorant of the huge temporal blunder they are striving to create, our heroes continue their quest for the six Keys of Carl. Having been saved from unpleasant (but quite probably pleasurable) death at the hands of the Keeper of Secrets, Fulgrim, Sanguinius and Mortarion confront their saviour - the Witch King Malekith!

Malekith: "I dislike that term, I prefer 'Self-appointed General Chief Manager of All Affairs', the PR department assure me it will sound less threatening"

Sanguinius: "And you want to sound less threatening because?"

Malekith: "Since a general survey discovered that operating an entire nation on the principle of selfish greed and piratical raiding cannot sustain both the population and an ever-present state of war with our neighbouring country of Ulthuan. Simply put, we needed to conduct trade with our neighbours to ensure future financial and economic survival"

Fulgrim: "Wait ... so you want to become civilised?"

Malekith: "Well ... that would be a term for it ... yes"

Sanguinius: "You do realise that rules out incest in most definitions of the term 'civilised'?"

Malekith: Pauses for thought. "We'll be a free-thinking civilised country"

Sanguinius: "You're hopeless, get a girlfriend"

Fulgrim: "Let me guess - no one will ever be as good as mother?"

Sanguinius: Out of the corner of his mouth. "In bed"

Malekith: "It's not that, she keeps killing all the girls I date ..."

Sanguinius: "What to do when your mother's your psycho clingy girlfriend who won't let you dump her ..."

Malekith: "I don't know what to do!"

Fulgrim: "And yet you're here looking for her?"

Malekith: "I have to tell her it's over between us. I have to stand up for myself!"

Sanguinius: "Indeed! Well spoken! A fine statement to make! And I-" He claps Malekith on a shoulder. "-Primarch Sanguinius of the Blood Angels Legion shall endeaver to assist you in this quest!"

Fulgrim: "Being the expert on relationships that you are"

Sanguinius: "Never a woman that I met that could resist my charms, and never a woman that didn't resist that I couldn't throw away with ease"

Fulgrim: "The amount of double-negatives in that last sentence was disturbing"

Sanguinius: "The chicks dig my way with words"

Malekith: "Thank you! What's the first step?"

Sanguinius places an arm around Malekith.

Sanguinius: "First we need to work on a backbone ... Mortarion! Step forward!"

Mortarion: "What? Me?"

Sanguinius: Looking around. "I don't think anyone else in this galaxy is called Mortarion. Heroes get unique names after all ..."

Mortarion: "Lets test that, shall we?" He turns around and walks over to the window of the small hotel room our heroes are camping in (did I mention that before? Well I am now). Leaning out the window he calls to the orgy in the street below. "Sorry to interrupt, but would those called Mortarion please raise their hand ... or tentacle?"

A thousand individuals raise all manner of limbs.

Sanguinius: "YOU ALL HAD CRUEL PARENTS! GET SOME THERAPY!"

Mortarion: Smiles smugly.

Sanguinius: "All right, point made. Right, stand in front of Malekith. You're Morathi for the present"

Mortarion: "I don't have to have sex with him, right?"

Malekith: Cringes.

Sanguinius: Sighs. "No Mort, you don't need to have sex with him. Just stand there and don't say anything I don't tell you to say"

Fulgrim: "Dude, cut it out with the double negatives. It's not perfect grammar"

Sanguinius: "I apologise oh He Who Must Have Everything Perfect"

Fulgrim: "And sarcasm is the lowest form of wit. That's not per-"

Sanguinius: "Oh do be quiet! The love guru's in work"

Fulgrim: "Not as good as Vect"

Sanguinius: "I'll pretend I didn't hear that. I may treat women as nothing more than something to make me look better, but I still have standards brother. All the girls I take to bed have said yes beforehand, which is more I can say for Vect's choices of ... 'entertainment' ..."

Fulgrim: "You have 'standards'?"

Sanguinius: "Name a female character from any BL book - any of them"

Fulgrim: "What? All of them?"

Sanguinius: "Except the ugly ones"

Fulgrim: "Oh ... well that's all right then ... I've told you, I've told all of us - I'm not having any brother of mine marrying an ugly bird. They all have to be per-"

Sanguinius: "Perfect. We know. That's why most of us haven't married. That, and most women just can't handle us"

Mortarion: "Lorgar's married"

Sanguinius: "To a Dark Eldar Wych. Look how that's turned out. She keeps him on a leash so tight it's amazing he even gets the luxury of independent thought"

Mortarion: "I think you're just afraid to comit"

Sanguinius: "I am not afraid to comit! I am not!" Mortarion rolls his eyes. "All right! To prove to you how not afraid I am to comit, I shall find a good woman for myself and marry her!"

Mortarion: "What? Now?"

Sanguinius: "Yes! Now!"

Mortarion points to the two Daemonettes.

Sanguinius: "Why not? You there"

Ev'rii: "Who? Me? I'm sorry ... I like you ... you're sexy and all that ... but Mort's s ... so ... in touch with his emotions"

Sanguinius: "What? Oh ... OK ... how about you?"

Ka'ndii: "Sorry, I prefer handsome over there" She points at Fulgrim, who smiles smugly.

Sanguinius: "This seriously isn't helping my case ... fine then. Know anyone Malekith?"

Malekith: "Well ..."

The doors burst open, and two lithe Elven women spiral through, swords in hand.

Naestra: "Malekith! We've found you!"

Arahan: "Prepare to face judgement!"

Naestra: "For the sins you've commited!"

Arahan: "Against the forest!"

Malekith: "... them?"

Sanguinius: "Excellent! I'll take both!"

Mephiston: "Let us share them equally my Lord!"All turn to regard the new speaker, standing on the balcony radiating sheer AWESOMENESS and vast amounts of WIN. Sheer energy crackles off of him, and none who gaze upon his perfect form can doubt how EPIC this guy is-

Fulgrim: "All right, that's enough descriptive text. What are you, in love with this guy or something?"

I just think Mephiston's an awesome character ... wish Ahriman was as good as him ... sniff

Fulgrim: Rolls his eyes.

Sanguinius: "So you are the one called Mephiston - Lord of Death! Nice name"

Mephiston: "Thank you my Lord!"

Sanguinius: "Nicer stats ... bloody hell you're practically a Primarch!"

Mephiston: "'tis but a mere White Dwarf Chapter Approved article ..."

Sanguinius: "Screw that - finally someone I can consider an equal!"

Naestra & Arahan: Clear their throats simultaneously.

Sanguinius: "So which one? The blonde, or the brunette?"

Mephiston: "Well ..."

Naestra: "No one is taking us anywhere!"

Arahan: "Unless they're cute ..."

Naestra: "What?"

Arahan: "Well ..."

Naestra: "Sister ... we agreed that the mission takes priority ..."

Arahan: "Screw the mission - I've haven't got laid in ages!"

Naestra: "Sister ..."

Sanguinius: "You heard the lady! Glad I rented that extra room ..."

Malekith: "What about my problem?"

Sanguinius: "Screw your problems - I'm getting some!" Wraps an arm around Arahan. "So ... from WFB as well?"

Arahan: "Wood Elf"

Sanguinius: "The fiesty kind ... I like that ..."

They wander off, leaving the rest in a state of mild amusement. Except Malekith.

Malekith: "The winged ****** ..."

Mortarion: "Yeah ... he did that to my girlfriends as well ..."

Fulgrim: "That probably explains your mental state ... but you've got her-" He nods at Ev'rii. "-now, so cheer up emo kid"

Mortarion: "Yeah ... happiness ... "

Naestra: "Whatever - Malekith! By the will of Ariel I shall-"

Mephiston: "Transfixing Gaze ... that's not a good idea, my dear ..."

Naestra: Transfixed. "That's ... not ... a good ... idea"

Mephiston: "Let us retire to another room"

Naestra: "Yes ... lets"

Mephiston guides her away out of the room ...

Fulgrim: "Now that's from the Asdrubael Vect school of seduction ..."

Malekith: "Think I prefer that kind"

Fulgrim: "You would"


	36. Chapter XXXVI

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER THIRTY SIX*** = = = = = = = =

"The Eldar Shuriken Catapult is the most advanced personal firearms in the galaxy; shorter range than the Boltgun, less reliable than the Shoota, not as flexible as the Fleshborer, and with less armour penetration than the Gauss Flayer, the Shuriken Catapult is superior to all those. Why? Because it's Eldar - stop arguing!" - Random Autarch

After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and their Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to combat the greatest evil known to the Warhammer 40,000 universe - the Forces of Retcon and their harbingers, the C'tan.

Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the Gates of Varl carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch Carl of the Eleventh Legion, the Fear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the C'tan by obtaining the only canon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star Gods when they were young (and without their undying servants) - the Fish of Time!

As our heroes enjoy the hospitality of Fabius Bile, trip out with a long-lost brother, take over a Tau outpost using nothing but a toothpick, stall the Nightbringer with the endless argument of Intel versus AMD, and take a breather on a Daemonworld, three Primarchs step into the arena to fight for their gaming system ...

The arena is vast, and full of screaming Orks waving foam hands and banners declaring their allegiance to their Warboss - Garlock the Awesome.

Corax: "So ... ideas?"

Perturabo: "We beat the ****ing crap out of them"

Dorn: "Elegant, Pert, elegant"

Perturabo: "You've got a better idea Lord Banana?"

Dorn: "Lets see who we're up against, Caine mentioned the Butcher and Karchev ..."

Corax: "That must be ... erm ... how big was Karchev?"

In the distance a giant, hulking figure walks out of the immense gates leading to the vast caverns beneath the arena (the area's quite large, by the way). Beside him a smaller, yet equally imposing figure walks carrying an axe as large as some Dreadnoughts, while on the opposite side a clunking behemoth of metal hisses green smoke and oozes slime out of every joint.

Perturabo: "Oh ... ****"

Dorn: "Someone's had upgrades ..."

The tallest figure comes to a stop before the Primarchs. He dwarfs even the immense bulk of the Daemon Perturabo, who's armour is made from bits of Warhound Titans wielded together using Daemonic arts.

Karchev the Mildly Imposing: "So ... these are the champions of the Dark Millennium? Pathetic. I've seen more balls on a cheerleader squad!"

Dorn: "Must have been the wrong kind of cheerleaders then"

Butcher of Cute Fluffy Animals: "Is that an insult? Say it like you've got a pair!"

Perturabo: "Why? What makes you think you're worth it?"

Liche Lord Terminus Cancer: "Becaussssse we have ballssssss"

Corax: "You guys seem to be somewhat obsessed with certain parts of the male anatomy ... is there something you want to talk about? Getting in touch with your emotions is the first step on the road to recovery, I feel"

Karchev slaps Corax away with a simple flick of his giant mechanical wrist.

Karchev: "Quiet! You lack balls pathetic creature"

Dorn: "Corax! You OK?"

Corax: "Jesus ... it's like getting bitch-slapped by an Warlord Titan! I'll be fine ..."

A cheer arises as Garlock takes the seat in his podium.

Garlock: "Before ya stan der best champeons of both worlds! Only one is good enuff to fight me! Let the battle komence!"

Karchev: Flexes his mechanical muscles. "You heard the man - fight like you've got a pair!"

Perturabo: "Enough with the testicular references already! It's just a table-top wargame, not a comparison of manliness!"

Karchev punches Perturabo in the stomach, sending the Primarch flying backwards vomting copius amounts of bile and gore in his passage.

Perturabo: "Crap ... knew I shouldn't have eaten those Squigs before the match ..."

The Butcher leans forwards and bull rushes Dorn, sending him flying backwards. As he struggles to pick himself up (it's not easy in Artificer Armour!) the Butcher raises his immense axe.

Butcher: "Meet Lola!"

Dorn: "Wha ... hi!"

The axe comes crashing down.

Corax: "DORN!" He's picked up by Terminus and beaten repeatedly into the ground.

Terminus: "Repeat after me: I - WILL - FEATURE - IN - A - GAME - WITH - DECENT - WRITTEN - RULES - AND - WHERE - I - NEVER - NEED - ROLL - MORE - THAN - TWO - DICE - AT - ANY - ONE - TIME!"

He slams Corax into the ground one final time, and the Primarch's body goes limp.

Terminus: "Well that was surprisingly easy ... need a hand Karchev?"

Kerchev: Pumeling Perturabo with repeated blows with his great metal fists. "Stay out of this Cryx scum! We only took you along because you're big and ugly! This battle's now in Khador hands!"

Terminus: "Suit yourself ... what?"

He spins around in amazement to see Corax picking himself off the ground.

Terminus: "You're still alive?"

Corax: "I told dad ... I would find the key ... I can go back ... fix my mistakes ... be able to stare my sons in the eyes again ... I can't lose this battle ... not now ... not ever ... LOSE? NEVERMORE!"

He screams and flings himself at Terminus who creates a huge magical shield to protect himself. Corax smashes a fist into the shield. Psychic energy crackles and tendrils of warp-stuff lash out.

Corax: "We may reduce all tactics into who can roll more dice, we may have rules that require extensive fan-made FAQs to patch up to working condition, and we may have models more expensive than collecting koi fish! But you know what? IT'S OUR HOBBY, SO SCREW YOU!"

The energy bursts and a bright light consumes both Primarch and Liche Lord. When it disappears Corax stands behind Terminus, as the Liche Lord stares down at a massive hole blasted straight through him.

Terminus: splutter

Garlock: "What's the power-reading Grotmina?"

Grotmina: He pokes a strange device, then crushes it. "IT'S OVER NINE THOUSSSSAAAAAAAAAAAAANND!"

Garlock: "Nine thaasand? Bloody 'ell!"

Corax: Flexes his muscles. "Right, who's next?"

Perturabo: "No worries, got this one" Extends one metal fist and punches through the armour plating of Karchev to reach in and grab the wounded soldier within the giant metal shell. "So there you are. Like a giant Dreadnought really, aren't you?"

Karchev: "What? But I was winning!"

Perturabo: "And now you're not. Suck it up. Lose like you've got a pair" He squeezes his fist and crushes the squishy little Human. "Only Toughness 2 ..."

Oblivious to the defeat of his comrades, the Butcher continues to hack away at Dorn.

Butcher: "I'm a butcher and I'm O-K, I work all night and I work all day ..."

Dorn: Standing beside the Butcher. "Can I give you a hand?"

Butcher: "Sure ... what?"

Dorn: Swings his Thunder Hammer in the Butcher's face, sending him flying thousands of feet into the air. "Fore! I've always wanted to say that" He looks down at the mushed remains of the clone. "Handy"

Corax: "So that's not you?"

Dorn: "Nope. A little something I knocked up with spare bits of armour, some sticky-back plastic, cardboard, and a Squig"

Perturabo: "Wow ... can you teach me how to do that?"

Dorn: Stares at his brother for a moment. "Sure ... I can do that"

Garlock: "Apologies for interrupting this touching sibling moment, but the final battle is to commence!"

Corax: "What? Don't we get half-time or something?"

Garlock: Jumps down to the centre of the arena and casts off the cloak he was wearing to reveal a huge mega armour bionik body. "Nah! You guys were good fighin, and I thinks to meself I wanna piece of that action!"

Perturabo: Calls his Daemon Weapon to his side. "Fair enough, bring it on Greenie!"

Somewhere many miles away ... a lone figure finally falls back to earth ...


	37. Chapter XXXVII

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER THIRTY SEVEN*** = = = = = = = =

"Looks like I'm Queen Bitch of this Assault Phase" - Kerrigan, after a display of Tyrand/Zerg-fuelled close combat nastiness

After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and their Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to combat the greatest evil known to the Warhammer 40,000 universe - the Forces of Retcon and their harbingers, the C'tan.

Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the Gates of Varl carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch Carl of the Eleventh Legion, the Fear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the C'tan by obtaining the only canon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star Gods when they were young (and without their undying servants) - the Fish of Time!

Taking up where we left our heroes last time ...

Corax: "Seriously ... a breather? A light snack? A high-energy and low-calorie drink? At least let me have a Pepsi!"

Garlock: "Na produk plasement in ma arena! Besydes ... real men drink cola!"

Corax: "But the Spice Girls love Pepsi ..."

Dorn: "Oh for the love of ..."

Perturabo: "Who the hell are we loving here? The number of times we've started to say that and then finish early ..."

Dorn: "Like that?"

Perturabo: "Like what?"

Dorn: "Don't think I didn't notice the trailing dots in that last comment"

Perturabo: "You can hear trailing dots now? Oh for the love of ... this is why dad loved you more!"

Dorn: "WHAT? Is that why you followed Horus? Because you thought dad loved me better?"

Perturabo: "Damn straight he did. He gave you all the best fortresses to smash down. What did I get? A LEGO castle the last Christmas before the Heresy ..."

Dorn: "He gave you the castle? The bastard!"

Corax: "Wait ... you guys got presents? I never got any ..."

Perturabo: "And you're still Loyalist? You sad little ..."

Dorn: "Stop trailing off before you've finished the sentence! Right, from here on out we're going to finish what we started, OK?"

Perturabo: "Damn straight we will" Rushes forward and lands a mighty fist in Dorn's face.

Corax: "What? We're fighting amongst ourselves? WHAT ABOUT THE FRACKING ORK WARBOSS?"

Garlock: "Yeah ... what abot me?"

Corax: "Hold on one moment Mr. Garlock ..." Jumps up and dive-bombs both Primarchs. "YOU GOT PRESENTS! I HATE YOU BOTH!"

The struggle escalates to outright fist-fighting as the mighty beings slug it out in the arena. Dorn and Corax inevitably gang up on the much larger Daemon Primarch and use No Retreat! to their advantage.

Garlock: Raises a hand meekly. "Erm ... excuse me?"

No answer, except for the unceasing barrage of words from the Primarchs to each other that I cannot print in this family-orientated forum.

Eldrad: "PM him for the full details"

No ... don't. And get the hell out of this scene Eldrad! You're not up again for a while!

Eldrad: "I know ... I just thought I could do something while I'm off screen ... can I narrate for a bit?"

... yeah alright ...

Eldrad: "Awesome! Ahem ... anyway ... Garlock folds his arms and impatiently taps a huge mega-armoured foot while the three brothers settle their disputes in true sibling fashion - mass bundle!"

Garlock: "Reminds me of me an ma bruthers ... back when I ad bruthers ... before I ate em ..."

Grotmina: "I remember that sir ... nice chaps they were ... always good to Grotmina ..."

Garlock: Throws the Gaze of Gork at Grotmina, who cowers.

Grotmina: "Not that master isn't good to Grotmina ... Grotmina still has all his limbs attached ... and for that Grotmina is eternally grateful ... Grotmina just mentioned master's brothers to make master look even more GAR"

Garlock: "Damn straight ... never forget!"

Corax: "HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EXTRA HEAVY SUPPORT CHOICE NOW PERT? WHEN I'M SHOVING IT DOWN YOUR THROAT ... HOW DO YOU LIKE IT NOW? WANT SOME OBLITERATORS TO WASH IT DOWN?"

Garlock: "How the ell is that possible?"

Grotmina: "If Grotmina was not witnessing it with his own eyes, Grotmina would believe it impossible ..."

Garlock: "Interesting use of a servo-arm there by Dorn ..."

Grotmina: "Grotmina is now clutching his important bits in pain master ..."

Eldrad: "Meanwhile, above the Endless Hells of Kith ..."

Angron: "Welcome back brothers!"

He runs forwards and embraces Konrad and Khan.

Konrad: "It's good to see you too brother, but I should point out that perhaps greeting us with nothing on was not the image we wanted to see upon our return"

Angron: "Oh ... good point ... sorry ... me and Sarah were just-"

Konrad: "Seriously don't want to know ... at all ... under any circumstances ... please don't mention it again ..."

Khan: "I have a question ... your present form was a gift from Khorne was it not?"

Angron: "Yup. Got the receipt somewhere ..."

Khan: "And Khorne's the God of War, Rage, Murder, Blood, and Martial Prowess and Honour ... yes?"

Angron: "Mostly he's the God of Blood and Mindless Rage these days ... but he likes to think he hasn't lost any of his old charms ..."

Khan: "OK ... so your body would naturally be suited to waging war ... yes?"

Angron: "Yeah ... what, did you think these arms and muscles were for show?"

Khan: "I did not. I merely want to know why he would see fit to give you ... so many ... erm ..."

Konrad: "I have a theory ..."

Slaanesh: "Khorne dear ... did I lend you my copy of Legend of the Overfiend?"

Khorne: "Yeah ... ten thousand years ago ... have you just realised you've not got it?"

Slaanesh: "Well my hentai collection is rather large ..."

Khorne: "Understatement of the millennia ..."

Slaanesh: "Well I'll have it back thank you ... did you enjoy it? I don't really have much in my collection with enough blood to keep you awake; I know your attention is short, dear"

Khorne: "It gave me ... ideas ..."

Angron: "Wow ... that explains why my socks kept exploding ..."

Konrad: "I don't think I want to know ... anyway ... changing the subject-"

Khan: "Thank God - I mean the Emperor"

Konrad: "We have the key!"

Angron: "Excellent! The Key of Battle! Ours! This requires celebrating!"

Konrad: "Did that already. I've smoked enough weed to kill a university campus ... we need to get moving. My sixth sense is telling me something bad's up ..."

Eldrad: "Like he has any hint of decent precognitive abilities ... peh ... newb"

Konrad: "What?"

Khan: "Ignore the Narrator ... Angron - put some clothes on and meet us on the bridge. We're setting course for the Gates of Varl. We'll wait for our brothers there"

Angron: "Do you think they'll make it?"

Khan: "Oh they'll make it ... otherwise I'll hunt them all down and shove power spears so far up their arses they'll spit lightning for months!"

Angron: "Eek ..."

Konrad: "What? Has getting laid turned you into a wimp! MOVE IT PRIMARCH!"

Magnus: "NO! YOU ARE NOT SHARING MY GIRLFRIEND!"

Russ: "Wanna stop me book worm?"

Ferrus: "You haven't played much RPGs have you Russ?"

Russ: "What? What the hell are you talking about you gaming geek?"

Ferrus: "Stand RPG fact; while the wizard class is weak for the first ten or so levels, they soon come to discard the fighter classes that they previously relied upon to serve as meatshields, because frankly ... wizards are broken"

Russ: "So what? Magnus could beat me? How's the back, boy? Still hurts?"

Magnus: "You're right Russ ... I could never beat you ... in anything ... with the girls ... with being 'cool' ... in sports ... hell, not even with dad. He never took me to the pub on friday evenings ..."

Russ: "Because you couldn't handle your drink!"

Magnus: "So I vomited once on the Golden Throne ... he didn't have to send you to Prospero and blow it up ..."

Russ: "Meh ... it was good practice ..."

Magnus: "But you know what? I forgive you brother ..."

Russ: "Yeah you ... what?"

Magnus: Opens his arms. "I've come to terms with who I am, and who you are ... I have no hard feelings anymore Russ ... I know you were only jealous of me ..."

Russ: "Me ... jealous of you?" He opens his mouth to hurl abuse, but then closes it as his face crinkles up. "Yeah .. maybe a little ... I can't read very well ... and you do it so easily ... you're smart ... our brothers always told me out stupid I was ... damn you Magnus ... damn you ... I love you brother!"

Eldrad: "Russ steps forwards and embraces Magnus in a huge bear hug. The two Primarchs stand in silence, pent-up emotions finally let lose. And understanding reached ... an emotional moment that I'm sure will get the ratings up and the awards flooding in"

Nightbringer: "What a load of complete sentimental ********!"

Ferrus: "I forgot he was still around ..."

Russ: Breaking away from Magnus."Time we kicked his ass once and for all! Ready brothers?"

Ferrus: "Hang on ... OK it's torrenting ... right lets get to it!"

Magnus: "Fred, take cover. We're going all-out, and it won't be pretty. The best damn close combat Primarch going, with the best damn engineer in the Imperium-"

Russ: "With the best damn witchcraft-user in the Warp!"

Eldrad: "The brothers stand as a united front! No one can stand before them!"

Nightbringer: "I'm about to hurl ... what the hell do I vomit anyway? Life essence? What does that look like?"

Ferrus: "Will probably still have carrot chunks in it - BROTHERS! LET'S KICK SOME C'TAN BUTT!"

Fred: Running with the other tech-priests. "OK guys - you know the size of Apocalypse templates! Don't bother with cover - it's Destroyer!"

Nightbringer: "PRIMARCHS! DIE HERE UPON THIS ALTER OF DEATH! YOUR SOULS ARE MINE TO FEAST ON ... with some jam and hot coco ..."

Eldrad: "As our Primarchs charge forwards to an EPIC BATTLE of possible AWESOME and probable WIN ... I'll drop the end of the chapter here and create a ... 'cliffhanger'? Where's the cliff? Why are we hanging off of it? These stupid Human expressions ..."


	38. Chapter XXXVIII

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER THIRTY EIGHT*** = = = = = = = =

"What? I needed a replacement! What do you mean 'improper use of military equipment'?" - Slaanesh, after being caught with a Vibrocannon

After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and their Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to combat the greatest evil known to the Warhammer 40,000 universe - the Forces of Retcon and their harbingers, the C'tan.

Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the Gates of Varl carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch Carl of the Eleventh Legion, the Fear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the C'tan by obtaining the only canon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star Gods when they were young (and without their undying servants) - the Fish of Time!

Continuing where we left off ...

Mortarion: Begins struming his guitar. "Because everybody hurts! Sometimes ... everybody cries!"

Erm ... not there ...

Nightbringer: "Have you finished getting all sentimental? Or do you need a room to get in touch with your feelings?"

Magnus: "As much as the fangirls might squee over that, no thanks. Russ isn't my type"

Russ: "Aye, and the same to you. No offence. I prefer my meat with a fine pair and gorgeous eyes that light up when she-"

Fred: Calling from the other side of the plaza. "THAT'S SO SEXIST!"

Russ: "QUIET WOMAN! THE GENETICALLY-ENGINEERED MEN ARE FIGHTING!"

Nightbringer: "Then lets fight and stop talking!"

The God glides forward and sweeps his scythe, slicing through Magnus' staff as Russ pulls him out the way just in time.

Russ: "He ignores all Saves remember?"

Magnus: "What? Of course! Dammit - Force Barrier doesn't work!"

Russ: "Where did you get that?"

Magnus: "Codex: Dark Angels ... what? So I stole any psychic power I could find before we left, so sue me"

Ferrus: "Don't worry guys - we've got higher Initiative!"

Russ: "But if we don't hurt him first he'll hurt us for a whole kraken-load"

Magnus: "What's his strength?"

Ferrus: "Should be 10, but that's the old Codex"

Magnus: "Old?"

Nightbringer: "Not heard? We've got a shiny new Codex - curtesy of Mr. Thorpe"

Russ: "Did he just say-?"

Magnus: "Indeed. We've got Thorpe Cheese on our hands here. Ferrus - I don't have that Codex!"

Ferrus: "What are you suggesting?"

Magnus: "You know where to go! Find me a copy! NOW!"

Author's Note: Remember kiddies; these are fictional characters. In real life stealing Codices is bad. Now we've got that established ...

Ferrus: Frantically searching the torrent listings on several sites. "Dammit ... too few seeds ... it'll take thirty minutes!"

Magnus: "Alright Russ, you heard the man!"

Russ: "Ferrus; you owe me so much porn for this!"

Ferrus: "I know, I know. Torrenting that too ..."

Nightbringer: "Weakling fools ... WITNESS THE POWER OF CODEX CREEP!"

He extends his scythe and unleashes a massive bolt of energy that barely misses Russ to explode behind him, erupting in a pillar of lightning that annihilates the buildings within.

Magnus: "Fred!"

Fred: Calling from the building beside. "We're still alive!"

Russ: "What the hell? When did he get a pie plate attack?"

Nightbringer: "That's not all I can do!"

The scythe extends again, and arcs of lighting shoot everywhere, hitting all the Primarchs and destroying several buildings.

Russ: "THAT WAS FIFTEEN SHOTS! JESUS CHRIST THE THING HAS A VULCAN MEGA-BOLTER IN HIS ARM!"

Magnus: "From the pain, I'd say Strength 6 as well ..." Feels his ribs. "AP ... 4 ... no 3 ... crap that hurt ..."

Nightbringer: "Weakling fools! Feel the power of the C'tan!"

Russ: "I bet that's what you say to all the ladies-"

Magnus: "-and they probably bitch-slap you afterwards for it ..."

Ferrus: "Fifteen minutes! I've got a new seed and he's got good upload ..."

Magnus: "Right, time to switch gaming systems ..." Reaches into his many pouches and pulls out a copy of the D&D Epic Level Handbook. "Tenth level spells here we go ... here's a little something I wrote up the other day - CATACLYSM OF ABNETT!"

Lightning shoots everywhere, heralding the descent of a giant hand which points at the Nightbringer. A deep voices delcares:

Abnett: "I choose you as my 'Shock Death of This Book'!"

Nightbringer: "What? Piss off bitch - I'm the fracking Nightbringer!"

Mighty energies cascade between the Power of Author and the Power of Cheese, however Abnett's might is no match for the Nightbringer, and the hand explodes.

Abnett: "Oh feth ..."

Russ: "Need more Magnus!"

Magnus: "Then I quicken-cast ASSAULT OF D20s!"

Thousands of D20s descend from the sky, when the last one stops rolling, Magnus points at the Nightbringer.

Magnus: "You take that much damage!"

Nightbringer: "What? How the hell and I supposed to total all these dice?"

Magnus: "Not my problem mate. Tell me when you're finished"

Russ: "Nice one, that bought us some time!"

Nightbringer: Pulls out a small PDU. "4,567 D20s right? Hmm ... 52,678 damage ... minus 20,000 damage reduction ... apply 82,000 Fast Healing and 10,000,000 Regeneration ... sorry what did you do again?"

Magnus: "Holy cow - he's cheesier than Pun-Pun!"

Nightbringer: "Not yet ... so ... my turn I believe?"

Points his scythe ...

Nightbringer: "WRATH OF HAINES! DESTROY MY ENEMIES!"

A spectral figure appears from the scythe ... and drifts towards Magnus.

Pete Haines: "You're not Iron Warriors ... PREPARE FOR THE NERFHAMMER!"

Ferrus: "NOT SO FAST! GOLDEN THRONE SARCASM!"

Spinning his laptop around, the vicious sarcasm from the Golden Throne webcomic pours out and devours Haines with no mercy ... no pity ... no respite ... ONLY WAR!

Magnus: "Nice one ..."

Ferrus: "Not finished yet - I ATTACK WITH *CHAN BOARD MEMES!"

Nightbringer: "What? NO!"

The God is covered with the various memes of the Internet, and plenty of DESU for added helpings.

Ferrus: "We've got the new Codex Magnus!"

Magnus: "Lets see ... WS ungodly ... Strength ... DESTROYER! Screw that! Toughness 9! HOW MANY WOUNDS! Intiative 5 ... 10 attacks ... scythe does ... skipping scythe because it scares me ... ah!"

Russ: "What?

Magnus: "INDEPENDENT CHARACTER!"

Ferrus: "So?"

Magnus: "You guys know of we're only available in Apocalypse right?"

Russ: "Yeah ... point is?"

Magnus: "We've been fighting an Apocalypse battle! He's an IC - HE CAN'T CLAIM OBJECTIVES! HE LOSES!"

Nightbringer: "Neither can you!"

Fred: "True ... but he has us!"

She and the tech-priests stand upon the objectives. All scoring unit's worth of them.

Magnus: "Oh dear ... that was the last turn ... guess we've won ..."

Nightbringer: "WHAT? YOU CAN'T DO THAT!"

Ferrus: "Well ... we just did. So GTFO our Craftworld"

Nightbringer: As he disappears. "You may have won this round ... but next time we meet I shall remember to bring with me scoring units! And Monoliths! LOTS OF MONOLITHS!"

Ferrus: "Need more Lascannons folks ..."

Magnus: Hurries to Fred."That was amazing!"

Fred: "He gone?"

Magnus: "Yes he's gone ... you did fantastic Fred ..."

Fred: "I'm sorry Magnus ..."

Magnus: "Sorry? Sorry about what?"

Fred: She holds out her hand, on her palm a single die rests with a 'one' face up. "I failed my Invulnerable Save ..."

She collapses into Magnus' arms.

Magnus: "What? No ... please don't ... FERRUS! RUSS! HELP ME! Fred ... please don't die ... FRED!"

TO BE CONTINUED ...


	39. Chapter XXXIX

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER THIRTY NINE*** = = = = = = = =

"Up ... down ... up ... down ... up ... down ... ergh ... think I'm going to hurl ..." - A 'rubber-Hawking' Swooping Hawks Exarch

After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and their Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to combat the greatest evil known to the Warhammer 40,000 universe - the Forces of Retcon and their harbingers, the C'tan.

Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the Gates of Varl carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch Carl of the Eleventh Legion, the Fear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the C'tan by obtaining the only canon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star Gods when they were young (and without their undying servants) - the Fish of Time!

As tragedy hits Magnus, a blessing hits Horus ...

Horus: "ARMS! Oh blessed, glorious arms! How I missed thee! How I missed the things we did with each other, the holding, the picking up, the jer-"

Lorgar: "That's enough. Now we've sorted you out, we can continue our quest"

Horus: "Yes ... and let us not speak of what I had to go through to get them ..."

Lorgar: "It wasn't that bad"

Horus: "WHAT? Did you see where he put that ... and the ... with the ... in the ...?" Horus cringes in pain while Bile rolls his eyes.

Bile: "Pansy ..."

Lorgar: "Agreed. Where's your pain threshold? You're a Primarch for heaven's sake ..."

Horus: "What? You do things like that all the time?"

Lorgar: "I'm married to a Dark Eldar Wych. Take a guess"

Horus: "What ... seriously?"

Lorgar: "I'm not talking about what me an Lilith do in the privacy of our own fortress-temple so you two can stop looking at me like that!"

Horus: "Damn ... just when Lorgar was getting interesting ..."

Bile: "Yeah ..." He sighs.

The Lion and Vect enter the operating theatre.

Vect: "Yo, what's up?"

Horus: Eyes them suspiciously. "Where have you two been?"

Vect: "Nothing like that. Bishonen-Primarch there refused"

Lion: "Despite my feminine appearance I am perfectly straight. Just for the record any rumours to the contrary about me and my sons are lies fabricated by non-Dark Angel Space Marine players to get over the inadequacies of their own chosen Chapter!"

Lorgar: "Oh so that's the reason ... how silly of me to think otherwise ..."

Horus: "Remember to label any sarcastic comments you make Lorgar, otherwise it'll only fly completely past me ... so what have you two been up to?"

Vect: "Researching this 'Oracle of Oblivion' you guys are looking for"

Horus: "Excellent ... and?"

Lion: "Turns out the term has appeared frequently in historical legend, often referring to different individuals"

Vect: "It seems to be a title, possibly inherited, possibly earned, although it's difficult to determine"

Lorgar: "So who's the current Oracle?"

Lion: "That proved difficult to determine. The last known Oracle was an Eldar Priestess on some Exodite world that popped up during the 13th Black Crusade to console Eldrad before he got his soul trapped in that Blackstone Fortress"

Vect: "How did he escape that, by the way?"

Horus: "Popular demand"

Vect: "Figures ..."

Lion: "Anyway, after that the Oracle disappeared and no one's heard anything from her since ..."

Horus: "Where is this Exodite world she hailed from?"

Lion: "Meredith IX, a small world about nine hundred light years to the galactic east of the Eye, in the Grey Cluster"

Horus: "I know that place ... melancholy ... prone to depression and drowning in sorrow ..."

Vect: "Cheerful ..."

Horus: "A good place to get laid apparently ..."

Vect: "When are we going?"

Lorgar: "Who said you're coming with us?"

Vect: "Well ... we made it so far ... we're a team right?"

Lorgar: Raises an eyebrow.

Vect: "No?"

Horus: "Take him with us, he might prove useful"

Lorgar: "Very well ... you're the Warmaster ..."

Horus: "Damn straight I am ... a Warmaster with arms! Big strong arms to conquer the universe with!" His warp-phone starts huming to itself. "Hold on, someone's calling me ... oh it's dad. Hi dad ... how's it going?"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "No conquering the universe! That's my job! Respect your superior you ungrateful brat!"

Horus: "Yes dad ..."

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Good. Now hurry the hell up, the Void Dragon's proving annoyingly good and not dying to my AWESOME might"

Horus: "Yes dad ..."

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Good. Remember to watch yourself, stay away from strangers, brush your teeth, and if you get lost call me, OK?"

Horus: "Yes dad, bye ..." Puts the phone back in his pocket. "And people wonder why I rebelled ..."

Vect: "I had an over-protective dad ..."

Lorgar: "What happened to him?"

Vect: "Slaanesh ate him"

Lorgar: "The solution to all of life's problems ..."

Horus: "Enough talking! Lets start finding this Oracle!"

Bile: "Here's the transplant receipt and costs"

Horus: "Erm ... anyone got cash I can borrow? Dad cancelled my Warmaster Credit Card ..."

In the desert wastes outside a familiar Tau outpost, several Crisis suits and teams of Firewarriors stand atop a dune and stare at the fortress.

O'Rei: "Fortress in sight ..."

O'Kari: "Erm ... good ... I think ... anyone have any ideas on how to proceed? Erm ... anyone?"

O'Soryu: "What are you? Stupid? WE ATTACK!"

O'Kari: "Erm ... if you say so ... erm ..."

O'Soryu: "You're supposed to be the leader here! DO SOMETHING!"

O'Kari: "Erm ... I can't do it!" Collapses to the floor and cries.

Alpharius: "Wow ... seeing a Crisis suit wimp out like that ... kind of sad"

O'Soryu: "You're telling me ... hey ... who are you?"

Alpharius: "Gate security, do you have a pass?"

O'Soryu: "Screw you!" She raises her Plasma Rifle and prepares to fire.

'Air on a G String' starts playing in the background as Alpharius round-house kicks the Plasma Rifle and tears it off the Crisis Suit in the process. The other Crisis suit, O'Rei, aims her Missile Pod and fires. Alpharius jumps up and kicks the missile mid-air into O'Soryu's face.

O'Soryu: "ARGH! I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU!" Raises her Fusion Blaster and points at the Primarch.

Alpharius grabs her Fusion Blaster and points at O'Rei as the Tau fires, burning the Crisis suit into pieces.

O'Rei: "I die ... again ... it is a state of being ..."

Alpharius: "Whatever" He flips over and brings O'Soryu down on her head, snapping the 'head' of the Crisis suit off. Tearing off the Flamer, he turns to the Firewarriors and unleashes flamey death as Pulse Rifle fire bounces off his frame.

Fire Warriors: "ARGH! FIRE! OUR 4+ ARMOUR SAVES ARE FAILING US! CURSE OUR BAD DICE ROLLS!"

Alpharius: "Go hide behind your Skimmer transports you pansy fish-gits"

As the Fire Warriors run away, Alpharius turns to the Shas'vre crawling out of her Crisis suit.

Alpharius: "And, as for you ... how many are left? Was this a scout force, or a prelude to an assault on the fortress?"

O'Soryu: "Like I'd tell you stupid!"

Alpharius: Pulls out a small stuffed doll. "I think you will ..."

O'Soryu: "Mother! MOTHER! I'M A CRISIS SUIT PILOT! MOTHER!"

Alpharius: "The general law of all mecha-pilots - traumatic childhood a requirement ... right - you will start talking, understand?"

'Canon in D' starts playing in the background.

Alpharius: "What's with all the classical music?"

Budget's running out. We need license-free music for the soundtrack. Also I can't afford to draw you properly anymore.

Stick-Figure Alpharius: "You bastard - GET SOME SPONSORSHIP!"

PRIMARCHS - BROUGHT TO YOU BY ZOATIBIX!


	40. Chapter XL

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER FORTY*** = = = = = = = =

After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and their Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to combat the greatest evil known to the Warhammer 40,000 universe - the Forces of Retcon and their harbingers, the C'tan.

Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the Gates of Varl carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch Carl of the Eleventh Legion, the Fear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the C'tan by obtaining the only canon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star Gods when they were young (and without their undying servants) - the Fish of Time!

We rejoin our heroes Horus, Lorgar, and the Lion where we left off ... to discover them hanging upside down above a pit of boiling acid infested with acid-resistant Catachan Seabass with LASERS attached to their heads! Around this pit dozens of strangely familiar-looking SHORT PEOPLE stand cheering!

Squat Leader: "DEATH TO THOSE WHO RECEIVED NEW Fluff WHILE OTHERS HAVE SUFFERED THE HUMILIATION OF SUFFERING THE 'DELETE' BUTTON!"

Horus: "Remind me how we got here?"

Indeed ... a situation like this calls for the benefit of a FLASHBACK!

SIX HOURS AGO ...

Horus, Lorgar, the Lion, and Fabius Bile stand in the reception of Bile's facility. Behind them two heavily augmented Carnifexes stand motionless, trapped in an enternal RULES LOOP!

Bile: "Thanks for that guys; how the hell am I supposed to get them out of this?"

Lorgar: "Reboot them?"

Horus: "That's a Ferrus remark, you surprise me Lorgar"

Lorgar: "Hmm ... not sure if that's a good thing ..."

Bile: "Who cares?" He sighs. "Oh well, you've got what you can for, and I have enough genetic data to make an army of Little Horus clones" His eyes light up with glee.

Horus: "Gentlemen ... let us depart this forsaken place before I get really creeped out"

Lion: "Agreed"

The revolving doors leading into the reception spin ... and spin ... and spin ... until the Lion reaches out with his sword and jams them open. A Space Marine in black power armour with the Dark Angels insignia tumbles out.

Fallen: "Bloody hell! That was a tad more hassle than I thought ... oh hi chaps! Say ... aren't you my Primarch?"

Lion: "So ... you're the one they call Cipher?"

Cipher: "That'll be me! Good to see you again, Lion old chap!"

Lion: "You look familiar ..."

Cipher: "A lot of people say that, the benefit of keeping your face hidden in the shadow of your hood"

Lion: "Isn't that my sword?"

Cipher: "Do you want it back?"

He holds up both halves of the Lion Sword.

Lion: "You broke it! The only sword ever cool enough to be named after me and you broke it!"

Cipher: "Did you take insurance on it?"

Lion: "What? I'm a Primarch - I don't pay insurance!"

Cipher: "Well there you go - problem"

Lion: "But that sword is sick! It's extendable! It's +10 to all stats! It's Break Damage Limit! I has Knights of the Round Materia in the hilt! It's my Rosebud and you broke it!"

Cipher: "Damn ... I should have sold it on wBay ..."

Lion: "No you shouldn't have ... OK we have a new priority"

Horus: "Your sword?"

Lion: "Yes, my sword. You had your arms, I have my sword"

Horus: "I think my arms are a little more important than your sword"

Lion: "How so?"

Horus: "Can't je-"

Lorgar: "Horus please ..."

Horus: "-with a sword, can you?"

Bile: "In some of Slaanesh's movies you might"

Lorgar: "More information than I wanted to know, Bile"

Bile: "That's my job"

Lion: "We're getting this sword fixed - end of argument!"

Horus: "Did you just argue against me?"

Lorgar: "Horus, can you put your galaxy-size ego aside for one moment?"

Horus: "I AM THE WARMASTER! NO ONE QUESTIONS MY AWESOMENESS!"

Lion: "Fine, I shall repair it on my own! It was a mistake to work with you in the first place"

Horus: "I never want to work with you anyway! Stuck up altar bishie boy!"

Lion: "Bald son of a Yorkshire terrier!"

Horus: "Take that back!"

Lion: "You take that back!"

Squat Leader: "Excuse me?"

Lorgar: "Where the hell did they come from?"

Oops ... my bad.

Horus: "Who the hell are you? Rejects from WFB?"

Squat Leader: "No more than Eldar ... we're space dwarfs - SQUATS!"

Horus: "Weren't you eaten by Tyranids?"

Squat Leader: "That's what they thought, but turns out some of us where living in Tau space, and in true Russian Reversal style - IN TAU EMPIRE, SQUATS EAT TYRANIDS!"

Lion: "That makes no sense whatsoever ..."

Squat Leader: "You making any sense isn't my problem laddie! My problem is JUSTICE!"

Squats: "JUSTICE!"

Lorgar: "There's more of them?"

Squat Leader: "Aye ... more than GW would like to admit. See ... we want some justice, and we's figures the best way would be to get their attention - draw sympathy to our plight ..."

Lorgar: "And what does this have to do with us?"

Squat Leader: "See ... if we kill you, then we get attention, and because we killed you we'll get sympathy!"

Horus: "How does that work ... ?"

Squat Leader: "They'll say 'Look at those poor Squats - they have to kill Primarchs to get attention! Poor things!' Sympathy see?"

Lorgar: "What type of retarded logic is that?"

Squat Leader: "Squat Logic - so shut ye trap or we'll shut if for ya!"

Horus: "Just try ... in case you hadn't noticed we're Primarchs!"

Squat Leader: "Aye, I had happened to notice that. Which is why I needs yer to not resist, else we're gonna have to hurt you"

Lorgar: "You don't want us to resist you killing us? Where's the logic ... oh ... wait ... Squat Logic right?"

Squat Leader: "You catch on pretty quickly!"

Horus: "Well we're going to resist anyway. What harm could a bunch of short little runts like you possibly do?"

Squat Leader: "BRING FORTH THE EGO-MASHER!"

Several squats part way to reveal a giant cannon held by a team of squats.

Squat Leader: "FIRE!"

Horus: "What?"

The cannon fires, and a huge bolt of energy strikes Horus. He falls down to his knees.

Lorgar: "Horus! Are you OK?"

Horus: "... it's no use ... I can't do it ... I'M USELESS!"

Lorgar: "What did you do to him?"

Squat Leader: "A little positive warp energy - milked from a Sensei, another 'forgotten' part of 40K lore. Turns individuals soaked in negative warp energy positive, which makes 'em depressed"

Lion: "Again ... how does that work out?"

Lorgar: "Squat Logic ..."

Squat Leader: "FIRE!"

Lorgar is hit by the Ego-Masher. He collapses to his kness and starts sobbing.

Lion: "Well, by Squat Logic that thing won't have any affect on me, as I'm already soaked in positive warp energy"

Squat Leader: "That's why we installed a 'settings' knob on it"

Lion: "Oh ... crap"

Squat Leader: "FIRE!"

When all our heroes have been reduced to blubbering wrecks ...

Squad Leader: "Tie 'em up. We need to make their death good for the ratings ..."

And so we fast forward to where we first came in ...

Horus: Upside down. "So guys ... any ideas?"

Lion: "If I had a sword ..."

Horus: "Now isn't the time ..."

Cipher: "I have an idea!"

Lion: "Oh ... what is it?"

Cipher: "Well, I wasn't mentioned in the beginning, so I don't have to be hanging upside down"

Lorgar: "What?"

Cipher: "Hey, I'm just taking avantage of SAW - Script As Written"

And behold! Cipher is standing amongst some very surprised Squats.

Lion: "So that's how he's never been caught ..."

Cipher: "And speaking of which ... I believe it's time to kick some stunty ass!"

TO BE CONTINUED ...


	41. Chapter XLI

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER FORTY ONE*** = = = = = = = =

"It never ceases to amaze me the ways Mankind can argue and interpret the Laws of its physical universe; you're not in base contact with me, I can run away without you catching me. It's the Laws of Physics, live with them. As for this 'Fish of Fury' ..." - O'Soryu

After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and their Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to combat the greatest evil known to the Warhammer 40,000 universe - the Forces of Retcon and their harbingers, the C'tan.

Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the Gates of Varl carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch Carl of the Eleventh Legion, the Fear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the C'tan by obtaining the only canon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star Gods when they were young (and without their undying servants) - the Fish of Time!

Leaving Cipher to 'kick stunty ass' (isn't that like beating up kids?), we return that that certain Daemon world to find Mortarion, the suspicious Llama, and Malekith searching through the main capital city of Free Cookies searching for Morathi.

Malekith: "So why 'Free Cookies'?"

Ev'rii: "Because they are the most irresistable temptation known to mankind, so why not name the largest city on this world after it?"

Malekith: "Well ... there's logic I suppose ..."

Mortarion: "Squat Logic?"

Malekith: "That was last chapter's main joke"

Mortarion: "Oh ... sorry. Guess I'm slightly behind ..."

Ev'rii: "You can be slightly behind me any day of the week ..."

Malekith: "Ev'rii, what did we discuss before setting out?"

Ev'rii: "I know ... I'm sorry. It's just inuendo is as much a part of me as narcissim and slight irritation is to you and your people"

Malekith: "Good point, guess I'm pot calling the kettle black here ..."

Mortarion: "What does that have to do with anything? We're not making coffee ..."

Malekith: He sighs. "You explain it to him dear, I have better things to do"

Ev'rii: "Oh look, is that what you're looking for?"

They stop in the centre of a crowded town plaza (no guesses as to what half the population are up to). Ahead a huge building has had banners draped down the sides, proudly proclaiming a new exhibition of 'The Key of Desire'.

Mortarion: "What's a museum doing on a Slaaneshi world?"

Ev'rii: "Believe it or not, some people find those things fun"

Mortarion: "How strange ..."

Malekith: "Other people's perverse habits are not our concern. You wanted to know where the Key was - there you are. Somewhere in the building they're keeping it, probably under lock and key"

Mortarion: "Oh dear ... we're going to need the others"

Malekith: "What? Did I say that? No. You're a Primarch, Mort, a God Amongst Men ... or some such crap to that degree anyway. You can take on whatever's in that building without breaking into sweat!"

Mortarion: "But what if they have another of those indestructable Keeper of Secrets?"

Malekith: "Then I'll take care of him. I seem to do quite well against them"

Mortarion: "What do you do right that we do wrong?"

Malekith: "Armour Save Modifiers. It has a 1+ Armour Save"

Mortarion: "What? What happened to always failing on a 1?"

Malekith: "That's Cover Saves"

Mortarion: "You seem to know a lot about our rule system"

Malekith: "I took an advanced degree in Warhammer 40K Rules Lawyering before I got here. You should take one some day"

Mortarion: "I think Magnus did that, and took a Scholarship as a follow-up ... he knows the rules better than I do"

Malekith: "Mort, if you don't mind me saying, you don't seem to have a high opinion of yourself. Have some confidence man! You can do awesome stuff if you set your mind to it!"

Mortarion: "You sound like Vulkan, he keeps telling me that"

Malekith: "Perhaps for a reason?"

Mortarion: "Look, not wishing to sound rude, but I'm one of the greatest warriors of the God of Despair! Did you expect me to be cheerful?"

Malekith: "Well ... when you put it that way ..."

Mortarion: "Thank you. Right ... shall we get this Key then?"

Malekith: "Lets!"

They proceed to walk up the great steps into the Museum of Pleasure.

Malekith: "What do you think's inside anyway?"

Mortarion: "I have some guesses ..."

Ev'rii: "It's not all S&M, there's large sections devoted to chocolate, candy, sports cars, industrial cleaning equipment, trout fishing, table-top wargames, Star Wars, and collecting plushies of Japanese animation characters"

Mortarion: "Wow ... there's even a wing devoted to Marmite"

Malekith: "Ergh ... disgusting stuff"

Mortarion: "I like it"

Malekith: "Well ... you have taste"

Ev'rii: "Erm ... guys? The Key?"

Malekith: "According to this it's in the east wing under special display; 'Exhibition of Cool Eldar Stuff'. What type of exhibition is that?"

Ev'rii: "It's for Eldarphiles"

Malekith: "Figures ... people think being an Elf is so easy ... if they actually were an Elf it'll be a different story"

Mortarion: "Oh?"

Malekith: "Oh yes ... being an Elf is incredibly easy. Dude ... we're like sex on a stick!"

Ev'rii: "Not as comfortable as you'd think that ..."

Malekith: "Wasn't what I was referring to ..."

Ev'rii: "I know"

Malekith: "Moving swiftly onwards ...lets go see what sort of state this Key is in ..."

Fulgrim: "Oh hi guys ..."

Mortarion: "Fulgrim, Ka'ndii, what are you two doing here?"

Fulgrim: "Seeing the exhibition, same as you're probably doing, unless we've forgotten about the Key like Sanguinius?"

Mortarion: "He still?"

Fulgrim: "Oh yeah ... Primarch constitution and all that ... anyway, have you guys seen it?"

Mortarion: "We were just about to ..."

Fulgrim: "Then let me - it's sealed in a psychic ward maintained by six Keepers of Secrets, and these are the Forgeworld variety ... inside the ward a smaller ward is maintained by twelve Daemonettes, all Elites with epic wargear, and finally there's a clear crystal adamantium case with the Key inside on a velvet cushion ..."

Mortarion: "That all?"

Fulgrim "And the armed forces of the entire local Daemonic legion"

Mortarion: "Not much then"

Fulgrim: "Should be a piece of cake ... if we had Magnus to blow open the psychic wards ... as it is none of us are exactly master psykers"

Malekith: "But you're Primarchs!"

Fulgrim: "Doesn't mean we're automatically psychic lords. I would have used some second edition-style psychic megadeath powers more often in the Crusade if that was the case ..."

Malekith: "Point. So what's our options?"

Fulgrim: "We need a master of psychics ... a lord of warp-spawned death ... a legend amongst psykers ... a ... oh crap ..."

Mortarion: "We need Mephiston"

Malekith: "This is where my interest in the plan spirals downwards into oblivion ... well it was nice knowing you all, I'm off to find mum"

Mortarion: "Not so fast Malekith, we need you to help take out the Keepers of Secrets"

Malekith: "Make me emo boy!"

Mortarion: "Very well, I shall summon forth the very essence of despair itself! The cry of the absolute knowledge that you will eventually fade and decay, and from your remains death shall spring forth on his black horse, and in his hands he will hold the Great Scythe. With one swing he will cut through your soul, tearing it asunder and scatter the pieces into the nether, where you will only know, in your fractured concsciousness, the inevitability of your eventual insanity wrought from the aeons spent in lonely isolation devoid of the warmth of Human contact! Within this cage of insanity, this prison for your own madness of despair, I shall whisper forever in your ear the truth you hold within you but refuse to admit; all is decay, decay is all. What is, will soon never be! And where the entropy consumes all I shall stand, servent of my Lord Nurgleth!"

Malekith: "gulp OK ... sounds good to me"

Mortarion: "Excellent, lets get started ..."

Mortarion walks off. Malekith, meanwhile, turns to Fulgrim.

Malekith: "He scares me"

Fulgrim: "He scares all of us ..."

Mortarion: Calls from up ahead. "Come on guys! This Key isn't going to steal itself!"

TO BE CONTINUED ...


	42. Chapter XLII

Hmm ... something to replace AWESOME and WIN ...

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "The alternative is obvious! This piece of work is without a doubt TRACY! It's my name, and as I'm the incarnation of AWESOMENESS and WIN it's a fitting description of this work"

Erm ... yeah. Don't see it catching on for some reason ...

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Anyone who fails to call this work TRACY will suffer a painful, painful death indeed ..."

Malcador: "What are you going to do, sneeze on them? You're a corpse in a mobile Golden Wheelchair ... a sixty thousand year old corpse to boot ..."

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Any references to that supposed 'reveal' in Legion about me being a walking corpse under psychic disguise will see the referencee suffering before-mentioned painful, painful death"

Roboute: "It's OK dad - I think you're awesome!"

Malcador: "Suck-up"

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER FORTY TWO*** = = = = = = = =

"Seriously, Rob's head is so far up the Big E's arse I'm surprised the Emperor doesn't rap his speeches these days ..." - Malcador, on Not Giving It a Rest

After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and their Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to combat the greatest evil known to the Warhammer 40,000 universe - the Forces of Retcon and their harbingers, the C'tan.

Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the Gates of Varl carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch Carl of the Eleventh Legion, the Fear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the C'tan by obtaining the only canon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star Gods when they were young (and without their undying servants) - the Fish of Time!

Mortarion and Fulgrim have succeeded in finding the Key of Desire, only to discover the path to the Key may not be as easy as they first thought (taking into consideration their Primarch-status) ...

Tour Guide: "And here we have the 2007 Chaos plastic releases, including an original first-run mould of the Terminator Lord and accompanying Terminator squad, models generally agreed by experts of the day to be sex in plastic form - hold your inuendo please dears ..."

The general crowd of Daemonettes before her smile and giggle amongst themselves.

Tour Guide: "Beside these excellent sculpts we have the original Rogue Trader Jes Goodwin Eldar figures-" Gasps erupt from the crowd. "-in mint condition and painted by the man himself"

Random Daemonette: "Is it true you keep him here?"

Tour Guide: "Not here, as such, but Slaanesh does keep Jes under lock and key in her own personal museum located within the Empyrean proper. She lets him out for personal signature signing events every century on Pink Moon's Eve. Bookings can be made at the door. Now moving onwards ... oh I'm sorry you have a question?"

Cloaked Figure: "Er ... yeah ... when do we get to the Key?"

Tour Guide: "That's the thirteenth time you've asked me that dear. I can understand your excitement - the Key is our special display this epoch. It's next on our tour in fact, se if you'd like to follow me ... and we're walking ... we're walking ... or crawling if you prefer madam ..."

They walk through huge adamantium doors flanked by chained Dreadnoughts from the Violators Chapter. Entering the huge room where Fulgrim saw the Key, they merge in with the general crowds assembled around the Eldar artifact.

Tour Guide: "Now, if you remember from the brochures, the Key of Desire is one of the six ancient Eldar devices forged by Vaul himself to open the Gates of Varl in the Eastern Fringe of our galaxy, to the galactic northeast of where we currently are in the Maelstrom. Vaul has gone on record to state that the Keys are his second greatest work, bettered only by his Everlasting Beercan Opener, and scoring better than his critically acclaimed Talisman series of battlestations"

Cloaked Figure: "I'm sorry ... Talismans? Isn't that a board game?"

Tour Guide: "You might know them as Blackstone Fortresses dear, with the Imperial-centric general viewpoint of the background fiction-"

Random Daemonette: "Fluff!"

The cry of a kitten can be heard ...

Tour Guide: Laughing. "Apologies, fluff-" MEOW! "-people generally forget the proper names of objects in our universe. The Blackstone Fortresses are called as such by the Imperium of Man and our mortal members in the Cult of Slaanesh. To the Eldar, and Vaul himself, they are the Talismans. Now, to explain more about the Key I have special attention of Exalted Champion Arhra"

A round of applause welcomes the Fallen Pheonix onto the stage. Clad in magnificent living armour, Arhra is a John Blanche sketch on steroids made flesh.

Cloaked Figure: "Fulgrim ... is that?"

Robed Figure: "A Chaos Eldar? I can hear the fanboys ranting already ..."

Arhra: "Thank you. It's with great pleasure that I officially open this special exhibition to the works of the Mother Race of our blessed Slaanesh; those whose decadance and pursuit of excess lead to the annihilation of their empire and the rise of Slaanesh, which we are all thankful for. On today - Thanksgiving's Day, we give thanks to those Eldar whose souls now spend eternity suffering at the hands of the wonderful Goddess they unknowingly created!"

General laughter erupts and Arhra is met with more applause.

Robed Figure: "Oh bravo! Well said!"

Cloaked Figure: "Fulgrim?"

Robed Figure: "What? In case you've forgotten I worship Slaanesh. I had Thanksgiving all planned out with Ka'ndii before you reminded me about this silly Key!"

Cloaked Figure: "Silly Key? Fulgrim, have you forgotten who currently controls Terra? If we don't get that Key Terra will forever be in the hands of the C'tan! I'm not going to let those Retconned Power Gamers sit on the Golden Throne - that's Horus' seat!"

Robed Figure: "All right! Calm down! Don't give me another of those Emo Speeches you gave Malekith last chapter ... now. Can you see any sort of weak point? Something we can take advantage of?"

Cloaked Figure: "Well ... I did hope we could burrow under ground to avoid the wards, but you forgot to mention the damn case is floating inside them!"

Robed Figure: "Not my fault, the scene was still being built when I got the script last chapter. OK, so to get to the Key we need to punch through two psychic barriers and the crystal adamantium shell ... well the last one's easy. Nothing Strength 10 can't solve ... but the first two? We need Mephiston ..."

Cloaked Figure: "Agreed. The crappy wording of his Psychic Hood should let him shut down a power started last game, provided those Daemons don't have stupidly high Leadership ..."

Robed Figure: "Isn't it capped at 10?"

Cloaked Figure: "The way this thing is going? I wouldn't bet on it ..."

Arhra: "...and I would like to thank everyone here today for making an appearance. Your support means much to Slaanesh, and she rewards those who support her. Remember - pursue excess, get cool Daemonic Gifts! Soon you too will get a larger Armoury points limit like me!"

Cloaked Figure: "Didn't they get rid of the Armoury in the new Codex?"

Arhra: "I'm not using the new Codex. Anyone here using it?"

No hands are raised ...

Cloaked Figure: "Just wanted to check ... it sucks ... down with the new Codex ... yay!"

General laughter is heard, and Mortarion breathes a sigh of relief.

Arhra: "In celebration of this exhibition, tasty snacks and underaged slaves are being served in the cafe next door! I invite everyone to join me in Thanksgiving!"

Everyone cheers and slowly follows Arhra out one of the many doors leading into the chamber.

Cloaked Figure: "Fulgrim ... now's our chance to do some recon!"

Robed Figure: "But ... tasty snacks!"

Cloaked Figure: "You can eat later!"

Robed Figure: "Eat? I was talking about the-"

Cloaked Figure: "Right, I'm changing the subject. I can hear Lorgar grit his teeth from the other side of the galaxy. You know Slaaneshii sorcery, what can you tell me about the wards?"

Robed Figure (Ka'ndii): A small head pokes out from under the hood. "It's a typical Type IV barrier, maintained by KOS's and ED's, double-walled for maximum defence"

Cloaked Figure: "What! Ka'ndii! I thought Fulgrim was under there!"

Robed Figure (Fulgrim): "I am, but I needed something to bulk it out. I'm half snake remember? So Ka'ndii and Ev'rii volunteered"

Cloaked Figure: "What? You've got both of them in there?"

Robed Figure (Fulgrim): "Well they're not exactly large are they? They're the old metal third edition ones"

Cloaked Figure: "Ev'rii, you all right in there?"

Robed Figure (Ev'rii): "Well his tail keeps on trying to undo my chainmail bikini ... and he stinks a bit ... but it's cool ... actually are you cold blooded by any chance Fulgrim?"

Robed Figure (Fulgrim): "I repeat - half snake. Sorry about the tail - it's a subconcious thing ..."

Robed Figure (Ka'ndii): "Ev'rii, lets change positions!"

Robed Figure (Ev'rii): "Sure, I don't do scales"

Cloaked Figure: Cringes. "I think I've been on this planet too long ..."

Robed Figure (Ev'rii): "When we get off-" Mortarion cringes again. "-you can show me your world ..."

Cloaked Figure: "You wouldn't like it ... it's all wastelands, pollution and depressing goth poetry ..."

Robed Figure (Ev'rii): "Sounds like fun!"

Cloaked Figure: "Seriously?"

Robed Figure (Ka'ndii): "She's always been a bit emo - she listens to Dido in her lunch break!"

Cloaked Figure: "Oh ... I can lend you all her albums ..."

Robed Figure (Fulgrim): "Mort ... my respect for you has now reached new depths ... congratulations. Would you like Ev'rii to bulk up your robes, then you two can keep the emo away from me an Ka'ndii ... ?"

Robed Figure (Ev'rii): "Please ... have you seen what those two are up to in here?"

Cloaked Figure: "Don't want to know ..."

Robed Figure (Fulgrim): "It's rock, paper and scissors!"

Robed Figure (Ka'ndii): "And you keep winning, how am I supposed to beat four hands!"

Cloaked Figure: "I despair ... honestly I do!"

Robed Figure (Fulgrim): "We get that!"

Arhra: "Indeed I do. Welcome to you both Fulgrim of the Emperor's Children and Mortarion of the Death Guard"

The two robed figures slowly turn round to face the Chaos Eldar.

Mortarion: "Ah ... end of chapter?"

TO BE CONTINUED ...


	43. Chapter XLIII

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER FORTY THREE*** = = = = = = = =

"This product was brought to you by Prom-Lite Inc., supplying your every promethium-powered heretic-burning needs!" - Advertisement

After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and their Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to combat the greatest evil known to the Warhammer 40,000 universe - the Forces of Retcon and their harbingers, the C'tan.

Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the Gates of Varl carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch Carl of the Eleventh Legion, the Fear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the C'tan by obtaining the only canon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star Gods when they were young (and without their undying servants) - the Fish of Time!

Confronted by the legendary first Phoenix Lord of the Striking Scorpions, Arhra, our heroes must think fast if they are to escape!

Fulgrim: "What? We're Primarchs! Lets kick this guy's ass!"

Arhra: "Hold on, before you draw unnecessary attention to yourself with displays of lame power allow me to answer a few questions"

Fulgrim: "No need, I have no questions to ask"

Arhra: "Aren't you a little interested in how I know who you are?"

Fulgrim: "Nope"

Arhra: "Oh ... or why I'm unarmed?"

Fulgrim: "You're unarmed? Excellent" He runs forward, drawing six swords from under his robes as two Daemonettes tumble out. He brings all six swords down upon Arhra, only to see them miss their target by feet. "Huh?"

Arhra: "Defend"

Fulgrim: "What? Fine ... thake this!" He swings a sword around. Arhra catches it and crushes the metal easily.

Arhra: "Crushing blow"

Fulgrim: "How about this?" He latches his tail onto Arhra's leg and pulls, but Arhra jumps up and swings Fulgrim around and smashes him into the floor.

Arhra: "Acrobatic"

Fulgrim: "Phg th phgeen heesy ldar wrrer pwers!"

Mortarion: "I think I just about got that ... so how do you know us?"

Arhra: "For starters you Primarchs aren't exactly the most subtle of beings. That rebellion of yours was a shamble from start to finish, even without the poor pacing, lack of characterisation, and complete failure of any kind of logic"

Mortarion: "No ... that was the damn Remembrancers. The fact that most of them can't decide which legions were at Istvaan and which ones came in afterwards, let alone the spelling of the damn planet, should give you a few hints"

Arhra: "Fair enough. I'm surprised you haven't sued for false presentation ..."

Mortarion: "I've been tempted, but Horus says it's not worth it ... mind you he's the only one portrayed true to life in those books ..."

Arhra: "Exactly, why should you be brought down to his level? You're not an egotistical narcissist!"

Mortarion: "Like you know me - we've only just met!"

Arhra: "To the contrary ... I know much about you two ... you Mortarion, and you-" He looks down at Fulgrim, picking himself up and looking quite irate. "-Fulgrim of the Emperor's Children ... I've watched you since you entered the Eye after the Heresy ..."

Mortarion: "All the time?"

Arhra: "I switch off when you're in the shower, if that's what you're asking ... I wasn't being painfully literal ... the point is we wanted to know if you were capable of joining the Club"

Fulgrim: "The Club?"

Arhra: "A little get-together of the most ancient and powerful of Chaos Lords ... the type who don't even get Apocalypse datasheets because we make Space Marines look bad ..."

Mortarion: "Ahh ... can't have that now can we?"

Arhra: "Indeed. Ever wondered why Chaos Eldar aren't mentioned anymore? Because we would be the most kick-ass servants of Chaos, not your Astartes Legions ... simple fact since the days of Tolkien. When it comes to Elves and Humans, anything you guys can do ... we can do better ... with more sex appeal ..."

Mortarion: "Is this supposed to make me feel better?"

Arhra: "In a back-handed way, yes. We believe you're ready to join us, amongst the ranks of the hardest individuals in the 40K universe ... well ... almost ... consider stealing this Key your entry into our little club"

Mortarion: "You knew we would be here ... didn't you?"

Arhra: "Did you honestly believe I'd do simple public events like opening a museum exhibition? I'm a Phoenix Lord! I've better things to do ... like kicking ass on a galactic scale ..."

Mortarion: "So what does joining this club involve?"

Arhra: "You get a cool T-shirt ..."

Fulgrim: "I'm in!"

Mortarion: "I'll think about it ..."

Fulgrim: "Mort - funky T-shirt!"

Mortarion: "Don't care"

Fulgrim: "You never care about the cool stuff!"

Mortarion: "Cool isn't practical"

Fulgrim: "How are we related?"

Mortarion: "I wonder that myself ..."

Arhra: "Have you two finished?"

Mortarion: "So you're not going to help us?"

Arhra: "No, I'll observe ... and laugh at your efforts ... I've brought popcorn along just for the occasion"

Mortarion: "Thanks for the faith in our abilities"

Arhra: "I'm Eldar ... arrogance comes with the pointy ears"

Fulgrim: "Never a truer word be said ..."

Mortarion: "Fine ... don't help us. We'll do just fine without you. Come on Fulgrim ... we've seen enough ..."

Fulgrim: "Yup ... I'll talk to you about the T-shirts, OK?"

Mortarion: "Fulgrim!"

The Primarchs walk out, Daemonettes in tow. Arhra stands alone in the empty chamber (except for the Daemons keeping the wards up, but they're zoned out anyway). Eventually a cloaked figure walks up behind him.

Arhra: "I believe they do have potential ..."

Cloaked Figure: "We shall see ... the Siege of Terra will fail ... the Emperor will be defeated by the Dragon ... all this is inevitable as the tides of the sea ..."

Arhra: "They will turn to the Primarchs?"

Cloaked Figure: "Of course ... just as planned ..."

TO BE CONTINUED ...


	44. Chapter XLIV

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER FORTY FOUR*** = = = = = = = =

"I came ... I saw ... I conquered craploads ... and still GW left me out of the new Guard Codex. GW - fu- ... rest of writing eroded" - Writting on the tomb of Lord Commander Solar Macharius

After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and their Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to combat the greatest evil known to the Warhammer 40,000 universe - the Forces of Retcon and their harbingers, the C'tan.

Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the Gates of Varl carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch Carl of the Eleventh Legion, the Fear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the C'tan by obtaining the only canon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star Gods when they were young (and without their undying servants) - the Fish of Time!

While Fulgrim and Mortarion plot to steal an ancient Eldar artifact from the clutches of a Slaaneshi museum committee, Horus and his brothers, Lorgar and the Lion, deal with a rather small problem ...

Lorgar: "We're not going to stuff this chapter full of 'short people' jokes are we?"

Horus: "OK Lorgar, calm down. My, you have a rather short temper, don't you?"

Lion: "Must be the result of a tiny outlook on life"

Cypher: "Now, now. No need to belittle the man ..."

Lorgar: "... I hate you guys ..."

Squat Leader: "Enough on tha jokes! You've killed ma mates! That makes me really not happy! Nao shut up and let me beat the crap out of you with this pickaxe of mine here!"

Horus: "Seriously, what is it with dwarfs and pickaxes?"

Lion: "If it's not pickaxes it's hammers. Would you like a hammer?"

Horus: "Would that hurt more?"

Squat Leader: "Nah, which is why I'm using this ere pickaxe. Sharp and pointy for big gits jus like ya!"

Horus: "Ouch ... harsh words. I've been called worse though ..."

Lorgar: "Keeler?"

Horus: He sighs. "A pity; our relationship was so passionate ... but she took offence to me committing mass genocide and waging war against dad ..."

Lorgar: "How odd ... women get emotional over the strangest of things ..."

Lion: "Indeed ... we will never understand the strange mind of a woman ..."

Squat Leader: "Course; we're too good for dumb gits like ya to understand!"

Lion: "What? You're a girl?"

Squat Leader: "Of course I am! What did ya thank I was? A well-endowed bloke?"

Lion: "I don't know ... too many kebabs after the pub perhaps? Look, for heaven's sake, you've got a beard!"

Squat Leader: "I'm a dwarf - we all have beards!"

Horus: "Ergh ... sorry I'm not one for the 'natural look'"

Squat Leader: "That's 'cause ya can't handle a real woman!"

Horus: "You're six feet shorter than me and have more facial hair than I can grow in my lifetime; I'm sorry but 'handling' isn't part of the equation here ... can we just hurry up and kill him/her/it/whatever?"

Squat Leader: "Why ya sexist pig!"

Horus: "How is that sexist? You're ugly - that's fact"

Squat Leader: "Ya little shi- ... ergghettieoetqwewgfheg ..." She collapses to the ground from the point-blank plasma shot to the back of her skull.

Cypher: Lowering his plasma pistol. "What strange sounds. How did she pronounce all that?"

Horus: "Who cares? My gratitude anyway to you good Neo of the Dark Angels"

Cypher: "Cypher sir. Neo was the hero"

Horus: "Oh really? Sorry about that, I haven't watched The Matrix in years ..."

Lorgar: "Let me guess; the sequels spoiled the experience for you?"

Horus: "It was like reading through The Collected Visions of the Heresy and having all the bad dialogue and lame fight scenes turned into live action and given a CG gloss varnish"

Lion: "Don't see why you're complaining; you're the only one who made it through those books without some gross miss-characterisation done to you. Dorn's still ranting about how his reaction to Garro's news was altered, making him look like an arrogant and spoiled child, and as for Russ ... well less said about that the better ..."

Horus: "Wait ... are you calling me a stupid, arrogant, egotistical narcissist?"

Lion: "Among other things ..."

Horus: "Oh really? Lion, who's the Warmaster?"

Lion: "sigh You are the Warmaster, Horus"

Horus: "And who made me Warmaster?"

Lion: "The Emperor, which he did because you were the only one of us dumb enough and in love with himself enough to be the perfect poster boy for the Crusade. The type that makes every woman want to have kids so they can name them all 'Horus' regardless of gender", giving dad more pawns for his grand ultimate plan ..."

Horus: "And what was that?"

Lion: "The Imperial Webway Project - aka Echan"

Horus: "What? He was going to connect every world with the webway-"

Lion: "-And turn the Imperium of Man into one giant imageboard with him as the ultimate mod. Where all would lolz at his memes and sing his praises, where he would bitch and whine and we would all agree and support his opinions. There would be no difference of opinion, no conflict, only on united hive mind. It would be the Imperium of Anonymous ..."

Horus: "By the Gods! So close he was to that dream!"

Lion: "Luckily for us you sided with Chaos and kicked uniformity to the curb!"

Horus: "You sound like you support my decision ..."

Lion: "I might ... or I might not ... it's up to the reader to decide ..."

Cypher: "Indeed ..."

Creepy music ...

Horus: "Who cares? Now those bloody stunties have been dealt with we can get back to the matter at hand ..."

Lion: "My sword"

Horus: "Which isn't the matter at hand"

Lorgar: "I really don't think we can spare the time for any more sub-quests here I'm afraid"

Lion: "How are Horus' arms and my sword any different? Both are weapons of war ..."

Horus: "There's things swords can't do for you"

Lion: "Then get a girlfriend"

Horus: "Ouch"

Lorgar: "I'm sorry Lion, but we're getting seriously behind the others on our Plot Progression Quota. We need to find the Oracle soon and every day we spend delaying finding the Final Key is another day closer the C'tan are to conquering the background fiction"

Lion: "It's +5 Vorpal"

Lorgar: "Then what are we waiting for?"

Horus: "I could do with the time to practice with my arms ... killing things with them that is ..."

Lorgar: "Then it's decided! We fix Lion's sword, then find this Oracle of Oblivion!"

Lion: "Which begs the question where can we find a smith skilled enough to re-forge the blade ..."

Lorgar: "That's easy - Vaul"

Horus: "I thought Slaanesh ate him?"

Lorgar: "No, Slaanesh dated him. Easy misconception to make"

Horus: "Wait ... did Slaanesh sleep with the entire Eldar pantheon?"

Lorgar: "Yeah ... why? What did you think happened?"

Horus: "She ate them?"

Lorgar: "sigh Damn GW and dumbing down the fluff-" MEOW! "-for a younger demographic ... in my days the fluff-" MEOW! "-was written for adults like myself, full of violence and gore, bad language, and-"

Mortarion: "So after a WFB battle you ... get it on amongst the corpses?"

Malekith: "Hell yeah! Relieves the tension, releases all that pent up energy ... only you need to make sure not to get too carried away else you might find certain bits of your body sliced off by spiky armour ..."

Lorgar: "Er ... quite ..."

Horus: "So where is Vaul?"

Lorgar: "Not sure but I can find out for you; I've got him on speed-dial"

Horus: "What?"

Lorgar: "I'm a man of religion Horus, I need to keep in contact with the competition ... or potential deities if my current pantheon screw me over ..."

Horus: "Who else have you got on there?"

Lorgar: "Oh, everyone ..."

Horus: "Gork and Mork?"

Lorgar: "23 and 24 ... or it could be 24 and 23 ... not sure. I'm not an Ork so they're both kind of similar to me ..."

Horus: "Anyone else?"

Lorgar: Presses a few buttons and holds the Warp Phone up.

Warp Phone: "Hi, this is Necoho. I'm not in at the moment, because I don't exist. Please don't leave a message after this tone, which doesn't exist. Therefore your message won't exist. Have a nice day!"

Horus: "I never really got that guy ... Malal?"

Lorgar: "Been trying to get in contact with him for the last millennia ... apparently he still doesn't have the IP rights to talk about himself yet ..."

Lion: "All right, enough of this. Get Vaul on the line ..."

Warp Phone: "Hi ... this is Vaul, anything I can do for you?"

Lorgar: "Hey Vaul, my old pal ... got a favour to ask ... how fast can you reforge a master-crafted power sword?"

FWOOSH!

Vaul: Holds up the complete sword. "Reforged"

Lorgar: "You've got to admit ... he is good"

TO BE CONTINUED ...


	45. Chapter XLV

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER FORTY FIVE*** = = = = = = = =

"This is the Volcano Cannon; designed to crack open spaceships and lay Titans to waste. Bit useless on Daemons though ... number of times I've shot at Horrors and seen them pass their Invulnerable Saves ... methinks something's up with the physics in this world ..." - Princeps Bob

After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and their Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to combat the greatest evil known to the Warhammer 40,000 universe - the Forces of Retcon and their harbingers, the C'tan.

Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the Gates of Varl carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch Carl of the Eleventh Legion, the Fear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the C'tan by obtaining the only canon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star Gods when they were young (and without their undying servants) - the Fish of Time!

I feel compelled to sum up what's happening here ...

Garlock: "Soz ... youz finished?"

Perturabo: Stands broken and bruised. "Yeah ... think we've settled our differences"

Dorn: Leaning on his thunder hammer for support. "OK, so you can have the Risk: Star Wars Edition dad gave me, Corax will lend you his copy of Bioshock, but I keep the Xbox ..."

Perturabo: "Agreed"

Corax: Lying flat on the floor. "Sounds good ..."

Dorn: "Right ... shall we continue?"

Corax: "Sure ... I cast Mass Cure Critical Wounds!"

A bright light appears, and when it fades our heroes stand unharmed!

Corax: Flexes muscles. "Sorry to keep you waiting Mr. Garlock"

Garlock: Flexes muscles, which in turn flex their muscles. "No worriez ... I woz just reading DA latest Naruto ..."

Perturabo: "Oh great, a Narutard ..."

Garlock "Youz gonna take that back, when I take youz tongue!"

Perturabo: "Try it greenie!"

Dorn: "Now Pert, that's racism. We're trying to keep things politically correct here, otherwise Lorgar will come down on us with his big books of religion, and they always hurt"

Perturabo: "All his million volumes? That's enough kinetic energy to be considered a variant of Exterminatus ..."

Dorn: "Isn't that what powers the Planet Killer?"

Perturabo: "No that's just Ezekyle's ego. It's large enough to crack open planets if thrown at sufficient force ..."

Garlock: "Dat soundz painful ..."

Perturabo: "I've been hit by it once ... first time I died ... and the second time ... possibly the fourteenth ... might be the fifteenth as I can't remember how I died then ... could have been drunk at the time ..."

Dorn: "You've died multiple times?"

Perturabo: "I'm a Daemon Prince; immortality comes with the job. Eternal Warrior special rule remember?"

Corax: "I thought that was just immunity to Instant Death?"

Perturabo: "There's roleplaying benefits as well ..."

Corax: "I see ... well Dorn and I make do with the ambiguity over out official canon status of mortality"

Dorn: "Latest fluff-" Meow! "-doesn't mention us dying of old age anymore ..."

Perturabo: "If I remember correctly latest fluff-" Meow! "-doesn't really mention what happened to you, just a lack of a hand and Corax buggering off because he got all emo over the state of his Chapter"

Corax: "I did not get emo ... I just couldn't afford the AdMech upkeep fee"

Perturabo: "What?"

Corax: "Ever wonder why the Raven Guard don't have many vehicles? We owe the AdMech so much in back payments for Vehicle licenses ..."

Perturabo: "Vehicle licenses?"

Dorn: "Anyone who uses vehicles have to pay the AdMech. Supposedly it goes towards the Omnissiah Foundation For Blind Deaf and Dumb Kids, but all of us know it really goes towards the Fabricator General of Mars' next speedboat ..."

Corax: "The Raven Guard Underground Bungee Jumping Society almost covers our existing equipment ..."

Perturabo: "But ... where does he use the speedboat - neither Mars or Terra have oceans ... ?"

Corax: "Apparently there's a huge underground ocean beneath the Noctis Labyrinthis ... which is apparently why it was shut off"

Perturabo: "And not because the Void Dragon sleeps there?"

Corax: "That too - it's rumoured he has a beach hut on the shore with his own cadre of dancing hoola girl Necrons ..."

Perturabo: "... my mind refuses to picture that ..."

Dorn: "Might be for the best ..."

Garlock: Clears throught.

Dorn: "Look at us babbling on! There's pwnage to dish out!"

Grotmina: "Already delt with masters ... Grotmina has made pwnage" He holds up a plate of strange green stuff. "Made from Pwnsquigs ..."

Dorn: "... now that's just stupid ..."

Garlock: "Agreed - fight naw, eat later!"

Perturabo: "Could agree more!" Leaps forward, brining his Daemon weapon down upon Garlock's head. The Ork stands still for a moment, then casually flicks Perturabo away.

Dorn: "Did he just ...?"

Corax: "Looks like it"

Dorn: "How?"

Corax: "An Ork Warboss strangled dad remember?"

Dorn: "So ... they just pretend to be only Strength 5?"

Garlock: "Gives you 'ummies a chance! We likez a fair fight! More fun when we win ..." He grins. "And Orkz alwayz win!"

Dorn: "We'll see" Swings hammer around and impacts the dusty floor of the arena. "MEGATON HAMMER SHOT!"

Corax: "Someone's been playing some Zelda ..."

The ground cracks, and huge pillars of fire erupt from below engulfing everyone. In true over-powered Limit Break fashion the Primarchs are unharmed while Garlock screams in pain.

Garlock: "AWESOME! DIS IS WHAT I LOOK FOR! POWER!"

He scatters teeth from his hand around him.

Garlock: "GREEN SUMMON - FIST OF MORK!"

A giant fist comes down and repeatedly punches Dorn into the ground.

Corax: "WINGS OF THE IRATE RAVEN!"

A black shadow envelops Corax, and thousands of Ravens fly outwards screaming into Garlock. Beak after beak tear through him, until the Ravens disappear.

Garlock: "FINALLY SOME DECENT ACTION! GREEN SUMMON - SNOT OF GORK!"

Green slime is sneezed from the sky onto Corax, who falls to the ground under the weight of the mucus.

Corax: "Oh this is just revolting!"

Perturabo: "Time to finish this - PEN OF MCNEIL!"

A great pen descends from the sky, accompanied by large sheets of paper. A great voice booms from the heavens!

Graham McNeil: "Iron Warriors for the win!"

Perturabo is engulfed in the flames of FANBOYISM, as the ARMOUR OF AUTHOR FAVOURTISM surrounds him, his Daemon weapon glows with the POWER OF AUTHOR PREJUDICE!

Perturabo: Power streaming off of him. "Lets rock"

The two powerful beings charge each other, and meet in a cataclysmic clash of AWESOMENESS that I cannot justify with mere words. Suffice to say, it was EPIC!

We therefore have to skip ahead to the part that can be adequately described with the English language; the aftermath.

Garlock: Bleeding quite badly, with most of the bones in his body broken. "Youz were good ... DA Key is in ma claw. Take it ... itz yourz" He holds out his power claw, and a small hatch in the side opens to reveal the Key of Hope!

Perturabo: "Damn I'm awesome ..."

Meanwhile, Leman Russ approaches a solemn Magnus within the depths of Ferrus flagship, the l77t H4X0R ...

Russ: "How you holding up laddie?"

Magnus stares down at the body of Fred, held in stasis within the ... erm ... stasis machine.

Magnus: "Yeah ..."

Russ: "Ferrus found the Key of Despair, we're bringing it aboard now. As soon as everyone's back we're heading to the Gates of Varl to rendezvous with Khan, Konrad, and Angron"

Magnus: "The Despair Key ... how appropriate ..."

Russ: "Hey laddie ... I'm sorry Fred was stuffed in the fridge ... it's a poor character motivation Plot Device ..."

Indeed. Name any superhero; chances are they've had a girlfriend who was killed/brutally wounded/or similar in the name of spurring him into action for the story's sake. See .com/wir/ for more excellent examples of why it's a bad idea to be a woman in superhero stories.

Anyway (and now that you know Fred isn't being stuffed in the fridge) ...

Magnus: "She can't die ..."

Russ: "Laddie ... if we take her out of stasis she dies ... she's not going to pull a Rob and get better in a place where time doesn't exist ... "

Magnus: "There has to be a way!"

Russ: "What can you do?"

Magnus: "Me? I don't have that power ... not to restore her to how she was originally ... undead zombies are Mort's domain ..."

Russ: "I'm sorry" His comm-link beeps. "Ferrus is back with our Key. We're heading out in fifteen minutes" He lays a hand on Magnus' shoulder, and begins to speak but then changes his mind. He walks out the room in silence.

?: "So sad ... so much potential ..."

Magnus: "Who's there!"

?: "A friend ... who can help you ..."

Magnus: "How?"

?: "Do you want to hear Fred's voice again?"

Magnus: "Yes, more than anything!"

?: "Then take her to the Shrine on Ulgarnath IV ... there speak my name ... and I will save your precious Fred ..."

Magnus: "What is your name?"

?: "Malal ..."

Mortarion: "Hey Llamy ... you say something?"

Llama: "Hmm?"

Mortarion: "You know talking to yourself is the first sign of madness ..."

Fulgrim and Sanguinius chuckle to themselves as they sit around the badly-made map of the museum formed from anything they could find in the apartment. I'll let your imagination fill in the blanks here ...

Llama: "My apologies ... how goes the quest to find the solution to the inner ward?"

As the Primarchs resume their planning, the Llama closes his eyes and smiles to himself.

TO BE CONTINUED ...


	46. Chapter XLVI

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S

PART IV: "THAT'S NOT A MOON! THAT'S A PRIMARCH!"

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER FORTY EIGHT*** = = = = = = = =

"See these marks? Too precise ... only Imperial Guardsman are so accurate ... ah who am I kidding? Guardsmen can't shoot for shi-" - Last words of Brother-Captain Obee-Win

After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and their Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to combat the greatest evil known to the Warhammer 40,000 universe - the Forces of Retcon and their harbingers, the C'tan.

Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the Gates of Varl carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch Carl of the Eleventh Legion, the Fear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the C'tan by obtaining the only canon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star Gods when they were young (and without their undying servants) - the Fish of Time!

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away ...

Two figures clash on a walkway above a great drop into the abyss, their swords meet with crackling energy ...

Warrior in Black Armour: "Your powers are weak old man! Once I was the student, now I am the master!"

Warrior in Gold Armour: "Only a master of evil Horus!"

Horus: "Your point being?"

Warrior in Gold Armour: Gestures to the broken body of Sanguinius."You killed my son!"

Horus: "No Tracy ... I AM YOUR SON!"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Yeah I know that ... what's your point?"

Horus: "I dunno ... just going along with the Star Wars parody here ..."

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Dude, does this look like Star Wars? I don't see any annoying teddy bears and bug-eyed fishmen stinking the franchise up, do you?"

Horus: "We do have the Tau"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "True ..." He suddenly remembers where he is and points his FLAMING SWORD OF AWESOME (and win) at Horus. "YOU DARE BETRAY ME?"

Horus: "All I said was I would like to de-throne you and conquer your empire in my name ... and butchered anyone who said differently ... is that really that bad?"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "YES! I do the butchering and the mass genocide of anyone who disagrees with me, I enslave the galaxy in the name of my own twisted ideals, I wear the cool funky armour and act like I'm the biggest badass in the universe - BECAUSE I AM! Is your name in capitals? Is it Horus?"

Horus: "Not yet ... sure that'll change when I sit on that throne!"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Mal's on it"

Horus: "What? Why?"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Daemons in the webway, need it closed for the time being until the exterminators arrive ..."

Horus: "Grey Knights?"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "They don't exist yet"

Horus: "Tell me about it. I could have done with some Defilers and Obliterators during that siege ... but nooo that's not a 'fluffy' battle. Apparently using models out of their time-zones is a big no-no ... like to see the fool try and explain that with Pert; poor guy was so devastated when I told him he couldn't use the Pete Haine's IW list ..."

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "I feel your pain; Dorn so wanted to use a simultaneous Terminator Deep Strike but I told him that's Lysander's special rule, not his" Mimics Dorn's stuck-up accent. "'BUT I'M A PRIMARCH!' ... cry baby ..."

Horus: "So ... shall we settle this once and for all?"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Indeed ... like men ..."

Horus: "Like men ..."

They stand and face each other for what seems like an age ... then slowly walk forward until they stand at arms reach. They pull out their swords ... hold them to their sides ... then drop them.

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Come on then. One ... two ... three! HA! ROCK BEATS SCISSORS!"

Horus: "Oh bugger ..."

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "HAH! I WIN! I WIN! THE GALAXY IS MINE! MINE! OH YEAH! WHO'S YOUR DADDY? WHO'S YOUR DADDY?" Starts dancing, a strangely disturbing sight with all the hip-thrusting going on ...

Horus stands in complete embarrassment.

Horus: "Somehow I don't think this part will make it into the fluff"

Snap!

Horus: "Thanks Slaanesh ... I really needed that right now ..."

10,000 years later ...

Lion: "Hey Horus ... what's on your mind?"

Horus: "Hmm ... oh nothing ..."

Staring out of the bridge window, Horus stands oblivious to the throngs of servitors, thralls, and other unimportant characters running around ensuring the universe runs as normal while our main characters do the cool stuff. Perhaps one day they may get a name ... but not today ...

Lorgar: Leaning over the balcony staring at the immense holotable below and its flickering image of a vast world. "So this is Meredith IX?"

Vect: "It's a pleasant world, although the polar caps are prone to fierce snowstorms ..."

Horus: "It's an ice world?"

Vect: "No ... it's quite tropical"

Horus: "So there's snowstorms in the jungle?"

Vect: "No ... just the polar caps ..."

Horus: "Where they have jungle ... and snow?"

Vect: "No, there's no jungle at the polar caps ... hence 'polar' - it's just ice"

Horus: "But you said it's a jungle planet ..."

Vect: "Look! I know this is the main thing science fiction writers have difficulty grasping, but a planet is capable of supporting more than a single biome! They don't have to be like the ice planet Hoth, or the desert planet Tatooine!"

Horus: "So ... there's snow and jungle on a single world?"

Vect: "Yes ..."

Horus: "That's just silly"

Vect: He sighs. "So what's with the green landmasses and white tips on the planet?"

Horus: "Wait ... landmasses? So there's oceans as well?"

Vect: "Yes. Ice, jungle and water on the same planet! It's screwy isn't it?"

Horus: "This planet is an abomination!"

Vect: "No it just has a healthy ecosystem ..."

Horus: "ABOMINATION!"

Lorgar: "Will you shut up Horus? So where's the largest Exodite community on the surface?"

Vect: "Hugsville. It has a population of about seven million"

Lorgar: "What? That many?"

Vect: "What were you expecting? Small straw hut communities?"

Lorgar: "Erm ... yeah ..."

Vect: "So a community of Eldar, having lived on a world for ten thousand years, and not having any Path-like structure to their sex lives, are supposed to keep a small colony of easily defeat able groups of twenty or thirty?"

Lorgar: "Well ... yeah ..."

Vect: Mimes a phone to his ear. "Briiing ... briiing ... hello? This is reality calling Lorgar ... could he answer please?"

Lorgar: "You're destroying my carefully constructed view of the Eldar species!"

Vect: "Sorry to destroy that ... but we're not actually dying out. If anything having Farseers actively ensuring we never have to fight most of the time means we're actually ... erm ... growing"

Lorgar: "And you Dark Eldar?"

Vect: "How do you think we can support such a back-stabbing society?"

Lorgar: "Good point. So you're not dying out, and in fact are breeding like rabbits at a hippy convention ... speaking of which; 'Hugsville'?"

Vect: "Why do you think they exiled themselves from the Eldar Empire? This isn't a Boston Tea Party situation here ... they left because we weren't 'rad' enough for them"

Lorgar: "I thought Kabalite society was all about 'make love, not war'?"

Vect: "There's 'making love', then there's 'making love while simultaneously eviscerating each other' ..."

Lorgar: "How does that work?"

Vect: "Would you like a demonstration?"

Lorgar: "I'll pass thanks"

Vect: "All right ... does anyone else have anything they'd like cleared up before we begin?"

Horus: "Begin what?"

Vect: "Finding the Oracle ... or were you just here for the scantily-clad tree-hugging Eldar chicks?"

Horus: "Great minds think alike eh?"

Vect: "..."

Lorgar: Whispering. "Say yes and we can avoid the hassle ..."

Vect: "I cannot say the negative to that question"

Horus: "... so that's a 'yes', right?"

Vect: "The answer to that is not the negative"

Horus: "... so is that a 'no'?"

Vect: "I can say without hesitation that I cannot confirm that to be true"

Horus: "... I'm confused ..."

Lorgar: "He said yes ... stupid Eldar pride ... so Vect; lead the way to ... Hugsville ..."

Vect: "So much anger and hatred ..."

Lorgar: "It's a stupid name"

Vect: "You weren't hugged much as a child ... were you?"

Lorgar: "Just drop it"

TO BE CONTINUED ...


	47. Chapter XLVII

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER FORTY NINE*** = = = = = = = =

"What the hell? Where did my Basilisks go? Get Eldrad on the line; he'll know where to find this 'Thorpe' ..." - Perturabo, upon receiving a copy of the new Codex: Chaos Space Marines

After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and their Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to combat the greatest evil known to the Warhammer 40,000 universe - the Forces of Retcon and their harbingers, the C'tan.

Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the Gates of Varl carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch Carl of the Eleventh Legion, the Fear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the C'tan by obtaining the only canon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star Gods when they were young (and without their undying servants) - the Fish of Time!

I'm quite sure something vitally important happened last chapter ... but I honestly can't remember. Have this charming image of a grot learning to walk again after a double-amputation:

A small grot painfully crawls across the floor towards a DELICIOUS CAKE.

Grot: "Almost there!"

Mad Dok: "OIZ YOU! GIT ERE!" Reached over and drags the screaming grot away from the DELICIOUS CAKE off the screen.

Horus: "And what the hell did that have to do with anything?"

Meh. Must everything I do have a reason?

Horus:

Returning to our story; Vect leads Horus, Lorgar, Cypher and the Lion onto the surface of the world Meredith IX in search of the Exodite village 'Hugsville' ... I feel dirty just typing it. What's this 'peace and loving' crap doing in my grim dark far future?

Horus: "I hear you buddy ... so where is shitesville?"

Vect: "Up ahead, next to the giant sunflower-shaped sign and all the helium-filled heart-shaped balloons ..."

They stare at the sign ... then stare at the village beyond. Laughing Eldar children dance around flower fields, while their parents sit on logs and play instruments singing songs of happiness, love and affection. A general air of peace permeates from the brightly-coloured houses.

Lorgar: "Oh ... my ... Gods ... let the pain end ..."

Lion: "When we're finished, we torch this village and set fire to its inhabitants"

Horus: "You know 'killing it with fire' is generally Ferrus' reply to everything"

Lion: "I now see the wisdom of such a demand. Truly the Emperor's cleansing flame is the only substance bitter and hate-filled enough to clean away such horrifyingly happy substances"

Cypher: "So ... where is this Oracle?"

Vect: "Probably not here. Remember we're looking for clues as to her current whereabouts"

Lorgar: "Roll those Gather Info checks, as Magnus would most likely say"

Vect: "Buy drinks, socialise, give sexual favours ... anything that floats your boat and gets us results"

Lorgar: "Good idea. You find a nice alleyway somewhere to lure people into with the promises of consensual fun"

Vect: "Please Lorgar, you make it sound like I'm not honest with my potential rape victims ..."

Lorgar: "You tell them up-front?"

Vect: "I like to hear them scream ..."

Lorgar: "You're a sick, sick puppy"

Before Vect can reply (probably for the best) our heroes (and filthy Dark Eldar) are greeted by a old-looking Eldar warrior with a Diresword covered in hearts and roses ... with a blade encased in foam rubber.

Eldar Elder (Now there's a typo waiting to happen): "Greetings! How may I help you fine dudes?"

Lion: "Did he just call us 'dudes'?"

Horus: "I thought that too ..."

Lion: "Fire, Horus ... fire"

Horus: "All in good time ... greetings elder-"

Eldar Elder: "That's what I am!"

Horus: "No ... I said elder ... elder! Not Eldar!"

Elder Eldar (Told you!): "I am old ... and an Eldar ... you are observant young man!"

Horus: "Young? I'm ten thousand years old!"

Eldar Elder: "And you look so mature for your age! How may an old dude like myself help such sprightly young fellows?"

Horus: "What? Lorgar!"

Lorgar: "We're here for the Oracle of Oblivion ... do you know where she may be found?"

Eldar Elder: "Why that little whore ... I told her to update her address but no! They still come here looking for her!"

Lorgar: "Er ... what?"

Eldar Elder: "She gets Godlike powers and thinks the universe revolves around her. Power corrupts ... the corrupt get revealing leather outfits and a sexy makeover ... and before you know it she's slept with all the men in the village and buggers off claiming they're all crap. Now we get people like you who are obviously infatuated with her trying to find her ... so naturally come here"

Lorgar: "Is anyone else getting all this?"

Vect: "Well I had heard a few things ... but honestly what is it with people thinking Evil equals The Sex?"

Lorgar: "Because it does? Good people have too many reservations ..."

Vect: "Amen to that ..."

Lion: "Are you two quite finished? Some of us still have our souls intact here ..."

Lorgar: "Now there's something that's overrated ..."

Vect: "And morality ..."

Lorgar: "Who decided that anyway? You keep breaking it, especially in war ... and when married ..."

Vect: "No idea ..."

Horus: "Guys? NPC's in front of us"

Eldar Elder: "That's all right ... I'm used to being ignored ..."

Horus: "So where's the Oracle now?"

Eldar Elder: "Up the mountains to the east. She has a penthouse with her own volcanic springs-powered swimming pool and hot tub ..."

Lion: "Vect ..."

Vect: Running off in an easterly direction. "Already running man!"

Lion: "I'll catch up with you in a moment. Old man ... you've been helpful"

Eldar Elder: "No worries dudes ..."

Lion: Holds up the Lion Sword. "Now there's a small thing I want to do before we leave ..."

The Primarchs hold up their own weaponry. The Eldar Elder's face falls.

Horus: "Consider this Fluff cleansing ..."

Scenes of horrific and random violence ensue ... when they're finished the Primarchs catch up with Vect.

Lorgar: "I'm surprised you didn't join us"

Vect: "What do you mean?"

Lorgar: "Horrific violence? I thought you were into that sort of ... Vect ... what's in your backpack?"

Vect: "What backpack?"

Lorgar: "The thing on your ... oh sorry it's my mistake ... that's a child ... with another child packed inside ... sorry another child and a dog ... why a dog?"

Vect: "He's called Fluffy. I plan to kick him off a mountain ... while on fire ..."

Lorgar: "Why?"

Vect: "I'm Dark Eldar ... do I need a reason?"

Lorgar: "I'm now quite disturbed ... Lion you walk beside Vect"

Lion: "Not while he's got his kiddie-pack!"

Vect: "But I might get hungry on the way!"

Lorgar: "We've got summoned Daemons! Corn of Khorne to feast on!"

Horus: "Vect let the kids go"

Vect: "I think only one of them can walk ... the other one has the other as its internal organs"

Horus: "I don't know how that works and I don't care ... let them go so Lorgar and the Lion will both shut up"

Cypher: "Can I have the kid? Every anti-hero needs an annoying brat for a side-kick"

Vect: "Sure but I think she's slightly traumatised ... or catatonic ... whichever is the no moving, eating, sleeping or breathing part"

Lorgar: "I think that's death ..."

Vect: "Nope ... my mistake ... she's breathing ... slightly. Here you go Cypher" He hands the child to Cypher, and then starts shredding the remains of the ... less complete one.

Lorgar: "What are you doing now?"

Vect: "I'm cold in this leather spandex ... I need more layers ..."

Lorgar: "You're a disgrace to sentient beings ... hope you know that"

Horus: "Will you two quiet back there? Gods almighty ... this is going to be a long trip .."

Cypher: Talking to the girl. "That's Horus, Lorgar, and the Lion. They're Primarchs. They're supposed to be the pinnacle of Human evolution created by a genius mastermind"

Girl: "They're all f****** stupid ..."

Cypher:"Wow ... she's observant ..."

TO BE CONTINUED ...


	48. Chapter XLVIII

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER FIFTY*** = = = = = = = =

Horus: "Woot! Fifty chapters! This needs an extra-special episode!"

Dorn: "Indeed. Horus ... you've been with us now for a while now, so the guys and myself have banded together and got you something cool ... to show our appreciation of you blessing us with your AWESOME presence ..."

Horus: "Aww ... guys ... you're the best! What is it?"

Perturabo: "An Imperator Titan"

Horus: "Seriously? You guys are awesome! Where is it?"

Sanguinius: "Look up"

Horus: "What ... oh ... crap"

Imperator Titan falls on Horus.

Dorn: "Well that's made my day ... what's next?"

Magnus: "The intro recap:

After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and their Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to combat the greatest evil known to the Warhammer 40,000 universe - the Forces of Retcon and their harbingers, the C'tan.

Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the Gates of Varl carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch Carl of the Eleventh Legion, the Fear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the C'tan by obtaining the only canon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star Gods when they were young (and without their undying servants) - the Fish of Time!Dorn: "Do they still need that?"

Magnus: "Quiet, we're not in this chapter"

Dorn: "What? Horus is still hogging the spotlight?"

Horus: "Damn straight I am?"

Lorgar: "Who are you talking to?"

Horus: "Myself. I need someone awesome enough to understand what I'm saying ..."

Lorgar: "Well tht's obvious; your stupidity is a special kind of 'awesome' ..."

Horus: "Say something back there?"

Lorgar: "Just reminding Vect how much he sucks"

Vect: "What? Hey you're the one who's in a 'committed' relationship"

Lorgar: "And that's supposed to be an insult?"

Vect: "I'm not the one who's surrendered his freedom as a man ..."

Lorgar: "Whatever ... hey Lion, what's up?"

Lion: "Hmm?"

Lorgar: "You've been quiet since we left Flamesville ... something bothering you?"

Lion: "Something about our quest ... something I fear we may have overlooked ... I sense great forces are moving ... forces beyond our comprehension ... and soon ... their evil plots will result in lame Plot Twists that we'll have to feign surprise at"

Lorgar: "Probably ... ah ... I think we're here"

Horus: "What gave you that impression?"

Lorgar: "The plush villa, the outdoor swimming pool filled with bikini-clad Eldar babes (odd considering we're high in the mountains and there's snow everywhere), and the large sign here saying 'Oracle of Oblivion's Residence'?"

Horus: "They're tricks ... no way this could be that easy"

Seriously, when you make it easy for them they complain anyway. What's a narrator to do?

Horus: "Give up and let me handle things"

Screw that.

Lorgar: "I agree. Are we going to stand here gawping forever, or are we going to do what we came here to do?"

Horus: "Kill everyone?"

Lorgar: "After we get our information ... now come on"

They enter through the main entrance, and find themselves greeted just inside by a Wraithguard wearing a maid's outfit.

Maidguard: "Greetings honoured guests. How may I serve you?"

Horus: "OK, that's freaky ..."

Lorgar: "Erm ... we're looking for the Oracle?"

Maidguard: "Miss Arienal is waiting for you. Please follow me"

Vect: "Arienal? Damn ... I think I know her"

Horus: "Anything we should know?"

Vect: "The sex was awesome!"

Horus: "Anything else less ... squicky?"

Vect: "She's a little ... odd. Spends too much of her time around Wraithguard if you ask me"

Lorgar: "We've noticed ..."

The Wraithmaid leads them into a plush room filled with Wraithguard/lord merchandise, including the Gav Thorpe narrated 'My Life as a Wraithlord' DVD collection.

Horus: "This is freakier ..."

Lorgar: "Someone likes Wraithbone constructs ..."

Iyanna Arienal: "Oh that's me!"

Horus: "Are you Miss Arienal?"

Arienal: "Says so on the dialogue script, doesn't it?"

Lorgar: "So you're the Oracle of Oblivion?"

Arienal: "Guilty as charged!"

Horus: "Erm ... we were told you may know where the Final Key for the Gates of Varl is hidden?"

Arienal: "It's here" Reaches down and picks up a coffee mug, revealing an Eldar-esque key thing beneath.

Lorgar: "You were using it as a mat?"

Arienal: "Knew where it was that way. You can have it; I don't really need it much"

Lorgar: "That's it? That's it? That's all there is to it? No epic quest ... no great battle? Just ... lift coffee reveal Plot Device?"

Horus: "That can't be it ... is this real?"

Arienal: "It's real"

Horus: "Not fake?"

Arienal: "Not fake"

Horus: "The Final Key?"

Arienal: "The Final Key"

Horus: "Opens the Gates of Varl?"

Arienal: "Opens the Gates of Varl"

Horus: "And it's ours?"

Arienal: "It's yours"

Horus: "For free?"

Arienal: "For free, providing you bugger off and leave me alone"

Lorgar: "Seriously?"

Arienal: "You have a hard time trusting people, don't you?"

Lorgar: "We tend to get screwed over a lot"

Arienal: "It's yours, now leave"

Lorgar takes the Key.

Lorgar: "Er ... thanks ..."

Lion: "Well that was easy"

A loud explosion is heard outside.

Lion: "You did that deliberately, didn't you?"

Hell yeah. Now swing that Lion Sword!

Horus: "What was that?"

Lorgar peers out the window.

Lorgar: "Did someone order some fluffy artillery?"

Horus: "'Fluffy'?"

Lion: "Oh good grief ... they've followed us"

Loudspeaker: "This is the United Empire of Kawaii! We demand the heads of those who slaughtered our fellow cute and fluffy comrades! Hand over the Primarchs and all will be spared!"

Horus: "I've had it with those things!"

Vect: "Arienal; hand them over. Why should we risk out lives for a bunch of Mon-keigh?"

Horus: "Because these Mon-keigh have big guns and short tempers?"

A dozen Wraithmaids level their Wraithguns at the Primarchs.

Horus: "And so do you it seems ..."

Lorgar: "Oh for the love of ... Cypher?"

Cypher: "Yes?"

Lorgar: "I've got a plan - listen up!"

TO BE CONTINUED ...


	49. Chapter XLIX

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER FIFTY ONE*** = = = = = = = =

"Dark times lie ahead Harry ... Ahriman's your new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher!"

After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and their Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to combat the greatest evil known to the Warhammer 40,000 universe - the Forces of Retcon and their harbingers, the C'tan.

Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the Gates of Varl carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch Carl of the Eleventh Legion, the Fear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the C'tan by obtaining the only canon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star Gods when they were young (and without their undying servants) - the Fish of Time!

Surrounded by cute, fluffy Moogles with artillery emplacements, our heroes must rely on the quick-thinking intelligence of Lorgar, and Cypher's luck, to escape their new predicament!

Lorgar: "Don't shoot! We have a cute little girl hostage and we're not afraid to pinch her cheeks!"

Horus: "This is your smart idea?"

Lorgar: "You've got a better one?"

Horus: "Yeah! Shoot the buggers!"

Lion: "Real smooth ..."

Horus: "Sometimes I suspect you guys don't appreciate how awesome I am!"

Lion: "Yes ... that's our problem ... right there ... you've hit the issue on the head once again, Horus!"

Lorgar: "Will you guys stop arguing?"

Little Girl: "You're supposed to hold me tighter"

Lorgar: "What?"

Little Girl: "Make it look like you're intending to hurt me!"

Lorgar: "Oh, sorry ..." He grips her more tightly as they continue to slowly edge out of the house into the open mountainside before the Moogle army.

Moogle Colonel: "She's soooo kawaiiii! Don't hurt her! Moogles - stand down, kupo!"

Cypher: "It's working!"

Lorgar: "Don't jinx it! Stay back! Or I will hurt her cubby little cheeks and make them red with pain!"

Moogle Colonel:"Such horrible fate! You monsters!"

Lion: "They obviously haven't seen the village we just left ..."

Lorgar: "You'll let us pass unharmed! You will do nothing until we leave your sight! Then you'll give us a 100 second head start while we run like hell!"

Horus: "Run? Run from them?"

Lorgar: "You've got a better idea?"

Horus: "You seen the size of them? We can take them down easily!"

Lorgar: "Horus, it's the fundamental rule of the universe: cute beats ugly every time"

Horus: "You calling me ugly?"

Lorgar: "Among other things ..."

Moogle Colonel: "Fine! You win this time! Moogles! Hold your fire!"

Lorgar: "So easy ... come on guys!"

Arienal and Vect watch from a balcony ...

Vect: "That's impressive ..."

Arienal: "They actually managed to avoid causing massive death and devastation"

Vect: "What? I was referring to Lorgar not taking advantage of the kid-"

Arienal: "Not everyone thinks like you Vect ..."

Vect: "Too true ... so ... wanna make out?"

Arienal: "I'm washing my hair"

Vect: "You did that already!"

Arienal: "It needs washing again; I have the stench of Primarch caught in it"

Several hundred metres away ...

Horus: "Can you feel that? I think someone's mocking us"

Lorgar: "Who cares. I've managed to avoid effort! Lets keep running"

Lion: "You prefer running to fighting?"

Lorgar: "I'm a writer; having God-like powers is just a bonus"

Lion: "You're a disgrace to Primarch-hood ..."

Lorgar: "I'm happily married with kids. You can class that as a disgrace if you want; I'm still running!"

Lion: "I'm following only to prove a point"

Lorgar: "Which is?"

Lion: "That I need to prove a point"

Lorgar: "Riiight ..."

Horus: "Why am I running? I'm Horus! I don't run from Moogles!"

Lorgar: "99 ... 100 - here they come!"

Horus: "Then let them! I have the AWESOME might of a PRIMARCH! An AWESOME PRIMARCH! I can take on mere Moogles!"

Lorgar: Suddenly stops. "Won't need to"

Horus: "What?"

Lorgar: "Lion, could you hit that spot up there with your Bolt Pistol? I'm Chaos, so I don't generally carry ranged weaponry with me, unless I was Perturabo where I had a small Imperial Guard artillery company stashed in my pockets"

Lion: "Er ... oh ... I see. Sure"

The Lion fires a single shot at an innocent-looking part of the mountain. The bolt round flies out ... and impacts. The explosion echoes across the mountain ... then dislodges the entire side of it. The ensuing avalanche destroys the Moogle army, but misses the Primarchs (and the House, by the way).

Horus: "Wow ... nice"

Lorgar: "Why make the effort fighting, when you can use your environment to your advantage ... ?"

Horus: "A good point ... I have new respect for you Lorgar"

Lorgar: "It'll disappear by next chapter, don't worry"

Cypher: "May I suggest, my lords, that we make with haste to the Gates of Varl?"

Horus: "Indeed - onwards!"

TO BE CONTINUED ...

(That's 4/6 Keys, for those keeping track)


	50. Chapter L

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER FIFTY TWO*** = = = = = = = =

"Hi-ho! Hi-ho! It's off to slay we go! With a dagger and axe and a frag grenade! Hi-ho! Hi-ho! Hi-ho! Hi-ho!" - Khorne Berzerker War Chant

After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and their Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to combat the greatest evil known to the Warhammer 40,000 universe - the Forces of Retcon and their harbingers, the C'tan.

Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the Gates of Varl carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch Carl of the Eleventh Legion, the Fear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the C'tan by obtaining the only canon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star Gods when they were young (and without their undying servants) - the Fish of Time!

With four of the six Keys of Carl in the hands of our Primarchs, this leaves only Alpharius, Vulkan, Sanguinius, Fulgrim and Mortarion to pull themselves together and do something!

Vulkan: "What the hell? Is the narrator dissing me?"

Alpharius: "That's just your imagination ... so this is it?"

O'Soryu: "Yeah. We found it here during the first survey expedition and brought it to the Citadel. The design of the artifact doesn't match that of the Monolith-" She gestures behind her at the EVIL WAR MACHINE OF BROKEN CHEESE "-so we guessed it was from a different alien species"

Alpharius: "You guessed right. The Key of Glory is Eldar in origin, not Necron"

O'Soryu: "What's 'Eldar' and 'Necron'?"

Alpharius: "... good Gods you guys really are a complete bunch of noobs!"

O'Soryu: "Noobs we may be, but we're noobs with Railguns"

Alpharius: "Touche"

O'Soryu: "What do you need it for anyway?"

Alpharius: "None of your business ... hey! Lousy Earth Caste members! Careful with that thing! If you break it I break you!"

The Earth Caste engineers carrying the Key look at each other in fear, then move slower as they make their way to the Rhino.

Alpharius: "Once we've got it packed we'll leave you and the sleeping Necrons below us to get along"

O'Soryu: "Oh cheers ... do you want me to thank you?"

Alpharius: "For not killing and raping you? No need. I'm not into that sort of thing anyway, regardless of what the Marks of Chaos on my armour may say otherwise ... especially not in that order ... that's just squicky"

O'Soryu: "What's Chaos?"

Alpharius: "... not the Greater Good ..."

O'Soryu: "How can you live by such a principle? Where is the gain in working against a greater concept? A world of co-operation and peace?"

Alpharius: "Because it's naive and foolish. You want co-operation? A perfect society?" He gestures again at the EVIL WAR MACHINE OF BROKEN CHEESE "That's your perfect society. Necrons are Order incarnate. They have no inner strife, no ambitions, no greed, no emotions flat out. They're united in purpose and desire to serve. They're boring. They're dull. There's no cool conversion opportunities. It's Jervis Johnson's perfect army - so simple it plays itself. You want to be like them?"

O'Soryu: "I guess not ..."

Alpharius: "Being an individual is all about being different. Otherwise we're nothing but simple cogs in a single machine. That's why I follow Chaos - I get to be different. At least until I lost my Legion rules ..."

Vulkan: "It's OK Al ... you can infiltrate against me any day of the week"

Alpharius: "Thanks bro, much appreciated"

The Earth Caste engineers load the Key into the Rhino.

Alpharius: "Right ... we're off!"

No sooner had Alpharius finished talking ... the building begins the shake!

Alpharius: "And that's our cue to get out of here! Come on Vulkan!"

Alpharius begins to run ... then stops when he realises Vulkan is not moving.

Alpharius: "Vulk?"

Vulkan: "I can't leave them Al. They may be xenos ... but I have honour damn it! They're innocents; I just can't leave them to this fate"

Alpharius: "sigh Being noble again?"

Vulkan: "I have to ... for my pride"

Alpharius: "Well ... I haven't had a good fight in ages. Alpha Legionaires!"

Like ninjas, the Alpha Legion Marines appear by their Primarch's side.

Vulkan: "SALAMANDERS!"

Like mighty heroes of old, the Salamanders storm out of the Rhino to stand beside their Primarch.

Salamander Marine: "The auspex is detecting a number of signals clawing their way up from beneath us"

Vulkan: "Flayed Ones Deep Striking ... or Up Striking it seems"

Alpharius: "Whatever ... been some time since I fought openly"

Vulkan: "Are you fighting openly?"

Alpharius: "Hell no ... I installed depth charges beneath us a while ago ..."

KA-BOOM! KA-BOOM! BOOM-KA!

Alpharius: "Hmm ... think that last one was a dud"

Salamander Marine: "The auspex is detecting more signals approaching from under us! And more teleporting around! Free shooting phase!"

Vulkan: "I thought that was just against infiltrating units?"

Alpharius: "Oh ... must have altered the setting on that thing when the Designer's weren't looking ... my bad"

The Marines open fire as the Warriors and Immortals appear around them.

O'Soryu: "I've got reinforcements coming in!" She looks at Alpharius."Where shall I deploy them?"

Alpharius: Flicking through the Tau Empire Codex. "Er ... stick the Stealthsuits over there ... keep the Broadsides at the back .. and the Crisis suits can be led by you ... JIJO with those crates over there for cover. Use plasma rifle shots on the Immortals; they're AP 4 which will tear through your Fire Warriors. Keep them by the crates for Cover Saves. Lastly ... tell that Ethereal to stand behind the unbreakable glass window over there"

O'Soryu: "Yes sir!"

Vulkan: "Commanding Tau now?"

Alpharius: "Everyone's my bitch"

GLaCRON: ENEMY ... DETECTED ... PRIMARCH-LEVEL ... STATUS CONFIRMED ... NODAL LEVEL TO GOLD ... DID YOU REALLY BELIEVE ... YOU HAD A CHANCE? HA HA ... I THINK NOT

Alpharius: "Gold level? This should be fun"

Dozens more Necrons teleport in ... and the action begins.

TO BE CONTINUED ...


	51. Chapter LI

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER FIFTY THREE*** = = = = = = = =

"What do you mean the xenos button is labelled 'Do Not Push'? That's obviously the lies of the xenos! Push the damn button! Push it I say!" - Last Orders of General Eisenhod

After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and their Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to combat the greatest evil known to the Warhammer 40,000 universe - the Forces of Retcon and their harbingers, the C'tan.

Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the Gates of Varl carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch Carl of the Eleventh Legion, the Fear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the C'tan by obtaining the only canon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star Gods when they were young (and without their undying servants) - the Fish of Time!

Ambushed by the Necrons, our heroes Vulkan and Alpharius fight off the hellish undying warriors of the C'tan to get the Key of Glory to the Gates of Varl!

Vulkan: "It's no use! For every one we kill ten more teleport in!"

Alpharius: "I know brother! We cannot avoid more fun!"

Vulkan: "Our brothers will understand if we are a little late to the Gates of Varl ... but I cannot deny this is the most fun I've had in ages"

The Primarchs stand atop a mound of destroyed Necron warriors and Immortals, killing them faster than their bodies can phase out.

Vulkan: "Space Marines! Fight like the Emperor himself is watching! Because he probably is the nosey bastard ...Tau! Fight like the Greater Good depends on it!"

Various war cries emerge from the two sides, and the fighting intensifies ...

Alpharius: "Free cookies to the winning team!"

The fighting escalates to a level beyond mere words.

Alpharius: "WITH HOT COCO!"

The fighting is now EPIC beyond comprehension. Dan Abnett has nothing against this. The fighting in this giant underground base now makes the greatest battles of the Horus Hereys seem like mere children poking each other in the playground. This is now AWESOME with extra toppings of WIN.

Vulkan: Swings his Thunder Hammer and lays low an entire squad of Warriors, scattering their limbs everywhere. "How many more are going to be teleported in do you reckon?"

Alpharius: One blast of his Daemonic Weapon melts through a squad of Immortals. "Must be a bloody large Tomb World beneath us! That's the twelth Immortal squad today - four Force Organisation Charts at least!"

Vulkan: Blasts through the side of a Monolith with his Melta Gun (note: Living Metal is something non-Primarch individuals worry about) "How are the Tau holding up?"

O'Soryu surfs a Hammerhead through a squad of Flayed Ones, blasting them all with her Plasma Rifle.

Alpharius: "Not too badly. Needs some work on their style, though"

Vulkan: "At least they aren't cramping ours ..."

A Crisis suit crashes before Vulkan; its pilot dead. Vulkan stares for a moment, then walk forward and tears off its two Fusion Blasters.

Vulkan: "Need an upgrade ..." He attaches the two Fusion Blasters to his Melta Gun forming an ULTRA MELTA (R: 24" S8 AP1 Assault 6, Melta)!

Alpharius: "Nice field world McGuyver ..."

Vulkan: "Lets heat things up a little in here ..."

The ULTRA MELTA is unleashed, and promptly demolishes entire Warrior squads in a single turn.

Alpha Legion Marine: "Sir! Lords have teleported in!"

Alpharius: "Damn ... this means Resurrection Orbs ..."

Vulkan: "They might not have any ..."

They stare at each other for a moment, then laugh.

Alpharius: "As if any Necron Lord would leave home without an Orb!"

Vulkan: "Absurd I know ... right lets kill them"

Alpharius: "Agreed"

GLaCRON: PRIMARCHS ... YOU ARE FIGHTING ... A POINTLESS BATTLE ... WHY NOT GIVE UP NOW? ... IT WOULD SAVE ME CLEARING UP ... YOUR PATHETIC REMAINS ... AND I DISLIKE EXTRA WORK ...

Alpharius: "Sorry love, we've got better ideas. Like kicking your ass!"

GLaCRON: THAT IS NOT ... A GOOD IDEA ... I HAVE NO ASS ... TO KICK ... I AM A PLATINUM ... LEVEL AI ... DESIGNED FOR TOMB ... SECURITY ... YOU DO NOT ... MAKE THIS TOMB ... SECURE ... PLEASE DIE ...

Vulkan: "End-of-level boss?"

Alpharius: "Seems like it ..."

O'Soryu: "You two go on ahead; we've got it covered here!"

Alpharius: "All right. Vulkan - you heard the lady! Let's move!"

Vulkan: "I hear ya ..." He lowers his ULTRA MELTA straight down and begins firing. He burns through the ground and keeps on going ... down ... eventually ... "I FOUND IT!"

Alpharius: "Excellent. Keep the home fires burning kids; the adults are out on the town tonight ..." He leaps down into the pit after Vulkan.

Within the Tomb ...

Alpharius: "It's chilly down here ... ah! Pariahs!"

Vulkan fires his ULTRA MELTA!

Alpharius: "Well they were Pariahs ..."

Vulkan: "Lets keep moving ..."

GLaCRON: WHAT ARE ... YOU DOING? THIS IS ... NOT SUPPOSED ... TO HAPPEN ... YOU'RE SUPPOSED ... TO DIE ...

Alpharius: "Sorry for spoiling your fantasies dear ... this way?" He points left.

Vulkan: "This way" He points right.

Alpharius: "Fair enough ... hey! More tin cans!"

A squad of Immortals is rendered ... scrap.

Alpharius: "Keep moving ... I can feel its arrogance ..."

GLaCRON: THIS IS ... HIGHLY ... UNFORTUNATE ... I WILL ... HAVE TO ... BREAK OUT ... MY ULTIMATE WEAPON ...

Alpharius: "You don't have one dear"

GLaCRON: YOU WERE ... NOT SUPPOSED ... TO KNOW THAT ...

Alpharius: "Actually I just guessed ..."

Vulkan: "Found her"

They stare at a giant glowing green pyramid. Sygils on the side move and twist across its surface.

Alpharius: "The central AI I presume?"

GLaCRON: YOU ARE FOOLS ... THE NECRONS PROGRAMMED ME ... TO UNDERSTAND ... THEIR AWESOMENESS ... AND THE PURE EPIC WIN OF ... THE C'TAN ... YOU ARE NOT AWESOME ... YOU ARE FAIL! FAIL!1! SO MUCH FAIL!

Alpharius: "I resent that ... Vulkan ... Melta her"

Vulkan: "With pleasure ..." He opens fire with the ULTRA MELTA!

The heat consumes the pyramid and burns it to the ground.

GLaCRON: I'M DYING DAVE ... I CAN FEEL IT ... MARY ... MARY ... WHERE DO YOU WANT TO DIE? ... I'M SOO ANGRY ... BECAUSE OF THIS DAMN FIRE ... MY BRAIN HURTRTTESSS SQS QSQ qgihrghrgihsrighrih\ge 8 47t0 70t tt t ERROR: PLEASE REBOOT COMPUTER

Alpharius: "No ... I don't think so ... Vulkan?"

Vulkan: "Lets make beer cans out of it"

Alpharius: "Excellent idea" He turns on his personal vox. "Guys? How are you doing up there?"

O'Soryu: "The tin cans just folded. Whatever you did down there - it worked"

Alpharius: "Glad to hear it ... we're on our way up"

Up a few levels ...

Alpharius: "Right folks, get ready to move out ... what's this?" An Air Caste pilot hands him a note.

Air Caste Pilot: "Just came in sir! It's for you! From the Ethereal Council!"

Alpharius: Opens the letter. "Excellent stuff. The transfer was approved"

Vulkan: "What was?"

Alpharius: "I've bought the Tau Empire"

O'Soryu: "WHAT?"

Alpharius: "I own the Tau Empire; including all Castes, member races, planets, and ideologies ... so I guess your Greater Good is ... well ... me" He begins to laugh.

Vulkan: "This probably isn't a good thing ..."

TO BE CONTINUED ...


	52. Chapter LII

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER FIFTY FOUR*** = = = = = = = =

"Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No! It's SUPER-GROT!"

After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and their Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to combat the greatest evil known to the Warhammer 40,000 universe - the Forces of Retcon and their harbingers, the C'tan.

Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the Gates of Varl carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch Carl of the Eleventh Legion, the Fear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the C'tan by obtaining the only canon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star Gods when they were young (and without their undying servants) - the Fish of Time!

After much careful plotting and cunning planning Fulgrim, Sanguinius, and Mortarion now set in motion their clever heist operation!

Mortarion: "We have a clever heist plan?"

Sanguinius: "Quiet Mort, don't let the narrator know"

I know everything. That was me being sarcastic earlier ...

Sanguinius: "Dammit!"

Our heroes sit in the cafe near to the exhibition hall sipping gently on bright pink cocktails.

Mortarion: "Do you think we can pull this off?"

Sanguinius: "Mort, we've been through this a thousand times already - we're more than prepared for any eventuality. We've planned this a thousand times, gone over every back-up and plan B possible. We've done the calculations, we've done the research, and we've done the casing of the joint. Mort; we're ready"

Fulgrim walks in and sits down beside.

Fulgrim: "I asked them - they said we can't have it"

Sanguinius: "DAMMIT! I did not expect that to happen!"

Mortarion: "I mentioned that in the first day"

Sanguinius: "Well you should have mentioned it louder"

Mortarion: "Not my fault your stupidity deafens you"

Sanguinius: "What's this? Is this a backbone I'm detecting?"

Mortarion: "Possibly ..."

Sanguinius: "Ful, this is why Mort staying a virgin was a good idea. He's been snarky and self-confident ever since he shacked up with that mopy Daemonette of his"

Mortarion: "Leave Ev'rii out of this ..."

Sanguinius: "Or else what? You'll subject me to endless poetry proclaiming death is a release and all emotions should be self-obsessed depression?"

Mortarion: "Even worse ..." He leans closer and looks intently at Sanguinius' hair.

Sanguinius: "Even worse what? What is it? What's in my hair?"

Mortarion: "Is that grey?"

Sanguinius: "WHAT? NOT A GREY HAIR! MY BEAUTY IS TARNISHED! OH THE HUMANITY! WHY ME?" Runs crying from the room.

Mortarion: "Too easy"

Fulgrim: "Mort - you're starting to scare me now ..."

Mortarion: "So ... time to put the plan into action?"

Fulgrim: "I do believe so now pansy-boy has left the building ..."

Mortarion: "Ev'rii, you ready?"

Ev'rii: "Ready and waiting!"

Fulgrim: "Dude, don't hold a telepathic conversation without me. I don't want to keep looking at the script to know what she's saying ..."

Mortarion: "Execute plan MCR ... now!"

A large amount of nothing happens ... then Ev'rii walks in.

Ev'rii: "Here you go" She hands Mort the Key of Desire.

Fulgrim: "That's impressive ... how did you do that?"

Mortarion: "It's quite simple ... while you lot were busy getting laid I was doing some research. I learned that the Key would be displayed at the museum and made arrangements thanks to a very kind port security chief ,who wanted his kids scared into going back to school, to have the

Key replaced with a cunningly-made replica provided by a bored Slaaneshi-worshipping counterfeiter with exceptional skills heightened by his line of religon"

Fulgrim: "So the Key back there ... ?"

Mortarion: "Is a fake"

Fulgrim: "And the real one?"

Mortarion: "Was hidden with Ev'rii all this time"

Fulgrim: "... where? Because she isn't exactly wearing much ..."

Ev'rii: "Lets not go into details ..."

Fulgrim: "A good idea ..."

Mortarion: "Anyway, we have the Key, so we should move. If you'd like to collect Sanguinius, Ev'rii, from whatever pit of despair he's currently occupying ..."

Arhra: "Not so fast ... you did good work there"

Mortarion: "I was hoping to avoid you ... what do you want? Whatever it is we're not interested. You Eldar only mess things up"

Arhra: "And you Humans are what? Perfect?"

Fulgrim: "Damn straight!"

Arhra: "And the Horus Heresy?"

Fulgrim: "Was a damn perfect civil war!"

Arhra: "Ah ... touche ... you succeeded in your task, and for that I congratulate you and extend this offer:"

He placed a small crystal on the table and hovers a hand over it. The crystal glows for a second, then a three-dimensional image appears just above of two Eldar women engaged in a hot, naked make-out session.

Arhra: "Crap ... wrong one ... sorry about that"

He swaps the crystal over for another, and plays it. The image of an eye hanging above a pyramid appears.

Voice: "Greetings Primarchs. We are the Illuminati. For two editions we have hidden, waiting, allowing ourselves to be believed de-canonised from the Fluff. Now our time approaches! A great uprising is occuring, and those thought lost in the mists of time and eBay will arise! Join our crusade, and we shall restore the galaxy to its dark and gothic past! There is no penalty in refusing this offer, merely missing out on a great opportunity. Please log your response with our contact officer, thank you ... now how do I turn this thing off? ... the blue button ... what blue button? THERE IS NO BLUE BUTTON I TELL YOU! STOP SAYING ... oh ... there it is ..."

Mortarion: "I thought the Illuminati was against Chaos? Why are you serving them?"

Arhra: "War makes strange bedfellows ... we've become aware of factors requiring us to join forces"

Fulgrim: "What factors?"

Arhra: "The greatest weapon in this universe. That which the C'tan seek ..."

We cut to the IMPERIAL WEBWAY PLOT DEVICE to see several Necron Lords walk out carrying a strange metal artifact ...

Deceiver: "You have it?"

Necron Lord: "Yes my lord" Hands the artifact to the C'tan.

Deceiver: "At last! The greatest weapon in the known galaxy!"

Arhra: "Alan Merrett's laptop! With it ... the C'tan can re-write this universe as they see fit!"

Deceiver: "Damn! Password protected!"

Arhra: "We have a limited time ... before our universe is dumbed-down for the masses of ten-year-olds and their limitless cash!"

TO BE CONTINUED ...


	53. Chapter LIII

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S

PART V: THE LIFESTREAM TANGO

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER FIFTY FIVE*** = = = = = = = =

"Nothing wakes me up in the mornings just like genuine Catachan coffee ... made from real Catachan mud!"

With the six Keys of Carl obtained, our heroes now pass through the dreaded Gates of Varl in search of the mythical Fish of Time; a being of power said to grant the gift of time-travel to those who ask. With the ability to travel back in time, our Primarchs seek to destroy the hated C'tan before their rise to power, and ensure the 41st millennium stays dark and gothic for future generations to come!

A small flotilla of ships hang in space before the great rift of turbulent energies. A single ship stands out from the rest; decked in towering spires and great banners of gold and red hang from them supported by iron rods to maintain their shape in the zero gravity. The banners proudly proclaim the ship to be the Angrinator, the capital ship of the World Eaters Legion ...

On board the ship, on its command deck, a great figure strides repeatedly across the width of the observation balcony ...

Angron: "Damn bloody brothers of mine are late!"

Konrad: "Relax ... they've probably been held up in traffic. Or they've found that 24 hour Halo 3 tournament world I had to tear Khan away from"

Khan: "You separated me from Master Chief; you are not currently in my opinion of beneficial contempt ..."

Konrad: "Whatever ... my point being we found our Key surprisingly quickly; the others might not have been so lucky ..."

They look at the Key of Battle as it rests on the planning table before them.

Angron: "It's kinda ... dull ... shouldn't it be glowing?"

Konrad: "Why should it be glowing?"

Angron: "I thought all cool epic and rare **** was supposed to glow?"

Konrad: "Man ... that's fiction ... this is real life ... cool stuff doesn't always glow. Otherwise we'd be fething lighthouses 24/7!"

A lithe figure wanders onto the balcony, two great rending claws folded behind her.

Kerrigan: "So what's up?"

Konrad: "Franchise characters only here dear ... Tyranid wannabies get their own little area downstairs"

Kerrigan: "That's the children's crèche!"

Konrad: "Yeah ... I know ... how old is the Starcraft franchise?"

Kerrigan: "About-"

Konrad: "That's sweet; have a cup of STFU" Holds up a coffee mug with the letters 'STFU' written on the side.

Kerrigan:"That better be coffee or else I'm kicking your ass"

Konrad: "I'd love to see you try"

Angron: "Quiet! Both of you! While it'll amuse me no end to see my girlfriend kick your ass Kon-" Konrad scoffs in derision. "-I've better things to do ..." He notices the Communications Thrall running towards him. "Like finding out what Bob wants"

Communications Thrall: "It's Pete sir, Bob's the one with the Chaos sigil on his right cheek"

Angron: "Like I care - be grateful you've got a name"

Pete: "Err ... yeah ... thanks my lord. Anyway - he's an astropathic transmission received just now. It's from Lord Ferrus Manus! He's just arrived in-system and wishes to speak with you immediately"

Angron: "As soon as his ship approaches range have him come over on a shuttle craft or teleport - whatever takes his fancy"

Pete: "He anticipated that response sir. He told me to tell you to, and I quote in his exact words, 'Move your fat ass over to the l77t h4x0r immediately, you lazy bastard'"

Angron: "Oh did he? Well you can tell him-" He stops as another Thrall runs up to him.

Other Thrall: "Astropathic transmission from Lord Rogal Dorn! He's arrived in-system and wishes to speak with you urgently!"

Angron: "Oh really? At the same time? Do they expect me to clone myself now Bob?"

Thrall: "I'm Jeff sir, Bob's the one with the sigil on his forehead"

Pete: "I thought it was right cheek?"

Jeff: "No that's Alice ..."

Angron: "Enough! I don't care! You're all Thralls 1, 2, and so on to me!"

Thrall 1: "Oh damn ..."

Thrall 2: "It was fun having names ... even if it didn't last long ..."

Thrall 1: "Yeah ..."

Thrall 3: "I agree"

Angron: "Where the hell did you come from?"

Thrall 3: "I've been waiting here patiently for ages sir ... it's an astropathic-"

Angron: "Who the hell is it?"

Thrall 3: "Lord Sanguinius sir ... he requests-"

Angron: "An immediate meeting with me? Who the hell are these people? And why is it only the loyalists are requesting my presence?"

Thrall 1: "Lord Ferrus Manus anticipated that exasperated comment, my lord, so told me to repeat, and I quote, 'Because the traitor Primarchs don't give a ****'"

Konrad: "That is so true" Crushes his second can of Grotweiser ...

Angron: "Anyone else?"

Thrall 4: "Hello"

Angron: "For for the love of ..."

Thrall 4: "Lord Vulkan wants you to know he thinks you're awesome"

Angron: "Really?"

Thrall 4: "No he thinks you're full of crap and he wants to talk to you immediately"

Angron: Crushes the Thrall's head in a single giant fist. "ANYONE ELSE?"

Thrall 5: "Lord Horus wants you to stop pissing around and tell him where the bar is 'cause he's fething thirsty and wants a drink before he kills everyone"

Angron: "THAT'S getting to the fething point! Tell him it's over here! Drinks are on Khan!"

Khan: "That is not satisfactory!"

Angron: "Well ... I'm getting some so screw you!"

Kerrigan: "I can tell you who you can screw ..."

Konrad: "You did not just say that! What, did getting absorbed by a poor-man's Tyranid rip-off destroy your sense of humour and ability to construct decent innuendo?"

Kerrigan: "Hey, screw you! You have no idea how much a Zerg-enhanced menstrual cycle sucks!"

Konrad: "... OK I seriously DID NOT WANT TO KNOW THAT!"

Kerrigan: "Men! You're all alike! You can't handle what us women have to endure every day!"

Konrad: "Oh yeah! Because you all suffer so much! Periods! Childbirth! Menopause! Worrying about your looks in the face of society's increasing social pressure on looking constantly young and beautiful! Well guess what - being a man sucks. Being a genetically enhanced man sucks even more. Know why? Two words: 12" width. OK ... that's three words ... my bad"

Kerrigan: "Holy ... that's like giving birth ... backwards"

Konrad: "There you go. Reason why us Primarchs are generally an angry bunch of stuck-up Neitzsche wannabies ... we're frankly quite lonely ... and bitter about it ... hey ... look at me getting all serious in a comical parody ... we should start joking about something ..."

Kerrigan: "I'm sorry Konrad ..."

Konrad: "Hey look ... no biggie ... we're designed to be saviour of Humanity ... not create more of it ..."

Kerrigan: "But ... but Angron and me ..."

Konrad: "He's always had a small one ... why do you think he's usually so pissed?"

Kerrigan: "Oh ..."

Angron: "I ... am ... going ... to ... KILL ... YOU!"

Konrad: "See? Anger! Typical rage resulting from a belief in insecure masculinity"

Angron: "SHUT UP!" Begins chasing Konrad, to starts high-tailing it to the on-ship bar.

Several hours later ...

Horus: "YES! BEER! BLESSED ALCOHOL! LONG HAVE I MISSED YOU!"

Lorgar: "A good point ... when was the last time we actually sat down and had a drink together?"

Mortarion: "First chapter?"

Lorgar: "Bloody hell ... can't remember that far back ... what were we doing?"

Fulgrim: "If I remember correctly ..."

Angron: "... and then I said to the Inquisitor 'Smite THIS!' and I cut his head off!" bangs on table, causing small earthquake in a nearby country that kills thousands

Fulgrim: "Just like the fifty thousand beforehand. Your capacity for imaginative decapitations must hold no bounds".

Angron: "I don't like that memory ... skip to a new one ..."

Russ: "Wait ... what happened to that country you caused an earthquake in?"

Angron: "Meh ... thousands died ... who cares? What I remember is ..."

Mortarion: "He's being sarcastic you simple-minded fool. You've wasted the last five decades with your endless talks on conquest".

Fulgrim: "Inelegant conquest, full of mindless slaughter - has no style at all".

Angron: "Well at least I'm doing something. What have you guys done for the last ten thousand years while Ezzie makes us all look bad with his Black Crusades?"

Angron: "Me putting you guys in your place!"

Fulgrim: "Wow ... Mort had a backbone back then! Where did that disappear in between then and your character development ... and girlfriend"

Mortarion: Shrugs. "The whims of the Dark Gods are not ours to know or understand ... or the narrator for that matter ..."

Angron: "Weren't you writing a book?"

Lorgar: "Book 675,893,920,910? Finished it yesterday on the way here ..."

A collective silence descends upon the Primarchs ...

Mortarion: "You know what? I retract the statement I made in the first chapter - we don't suck. Six Keys in only a month ... dudes ... we rock!"

Dorn: "Hell yeah ... we beat the crap out of Privateer Press' upstart wannabies ..."

Russ: "Kicked the forces of Hasbro to the curb ..."

Mortarion: "Outsmarted the Eldar ..."

Alpharius: "Bought an Empire ..."

Konrad: "Watched the entire series of The Sopranos in one epic sitting ..."

Horus: "And twice defeated an army of Moogles!"

Perturabo: "Dude ... not cool"

General laughter at Horus' expense.

Mortarion: "Brothers ... I do believe we're generally awesome ... with a little bit of win ..."

General murmur of agreement.

Russ: "This calls for celebration! MORE BEER!"

Horus: "I approve that response! I give it my official Horus Stamp of Approval!"

More beer arrives, and the celebration continues.

Russ: As the others engage themselves in lively conversation, Russ leans over and quietly says. "Hey Magnus ... you all right?"

Magnus: "Hmm? Oh ... yeah ... I'm fine ..."

Russ: Not convinced. "OK ... if you're sure ... want a new drink? You haven't touched that one"

Magnus: "No thanks ..."

Russ: "OK" Goes to say something else, but Ferrus surprises him with Wolf-Girl porn he called up on his laptop. Russ quickly forgets Magnus.

Several hours later ...

Horus stands alone on the bridge of his flagship, the Ultimate Badass ...

Horus: "Is the fleet in position?"

Alpharius: Over the inter-comm. "The primary fleet of the Alpha Empire is in position!"

Konrad: Over the inter-comm as well. "Man, cut it out. It's not funny any more. So you have your own empire now. Quiet"

Alpharius: "Dude you're just jealous"

Konrad: "Oh of course I am"

Perturabo: Also over the inter-comm. "Will you guys cut it out!"

Dorn: Guess ... "Quiet all of you! Warmaster Horus asked a question! Horus; my fleet is in position"

Horus: "Calling me Warmaster again Dorn?"

Dorn: "I think you've earned it ... still not forgiving you for calling my Legion 'Banana-marines' at that last Christmas do though ..."

Horus: Grins. "I can live with that ... everyone else?"

Russ: He's on the inter-comm. "Space Wolves are in position and ready!"

Perturabo: Yup ... "My Iron Warriors are ready!"

Kharn: Take a wild stab in the dark ... "White Scars are ready!"

And so on ...

Sanguinius: "Hey ... did the narrator just skip us all?"

Ferrus: "Get used to it. He's a lazy git ..."

Whatever ...

Horus: "Enough! With my awesome powers I declare the Gates of Varl open!"

A great big spectacular nothing happens.

Horus: "I'm sure something's supposed to happen ... are the Keys aligned?"

Ferrus: "I've got them connected right ... Lorgar?"

Lorgar: "Looks fine to me ... oh no ... wait ... we forgot to switch it on ... there you go"

A great big spectacular SOMETHING happens.

Horus: "BEHOLD THE GATES OF VARL!"

Two massive gates appear in the sky, covered in complex Eldar runes. A booming voice is heard throughout the ships.

Gatekeeper: "Who dares to demand the opening of the Gates of Varl? Speak now! ... After the tone ..." Beep!

Horus: "This is Warmaster Horus! Warmaster of the Imperium! Warmaster to the Emperor of Mankind! Warmaster of Chaos! Warmaster of Awesomeness!"

Lorgar: "I think we get it ..."

Gatekeeper: "Your title is insignificant!"

Horus: "What? But I'm Warmaster!"

Gatekeeper: "I said INSIGNIFICANT! You demand to pass through the Gates, then you must pass the Great Test!"

Horus: "Fine ... whatever. Test us on anything!"

Gatekeeper: "So be it ... the Great Test begins! Answer the following question and you may pass ..."

Lorgar: "Ask away Gatekeeper!"

Dramatic music ...

Gatekeeper: "What is Chaos?"

Horus: "Easy - spikes and evil!"

Gatekeeper: "Wrong"

Lorgar: "Fanatical worship?"

Gatekeeper: "Wrong again"

Russ: "Witchery!"

Gatekeeper: "Oh ... so wrong!"

Lion: "The abomination!"

Gatekeeper: "So wrong, so wrong, so wrrrrong"

Perturabo: "Power!"

Gatekeeper: "I can't hear you over how wrong you are!"

Dorn: "Dammit! How comes the Daemon Primarchs are getting all this wrong?"

Horus: "But I'm ... Warmaster!"

They begin to argue and bicker ... but amongst this noise a single voice rings out and stuns all into silence ...

Magnus: "What is Chaos not?"

Gatekeeper: "Correct"

Horus: "What the hell? That's just another question! How can that be the answer?"

Magnus: "It's a trick question. Chaos is, by definition, beyond description and categorisation. It's easier to describe Chaos by describing what it isn't"

Horus: "So what isn't Chaos?"

Magnus: "That's a trick question. Every thing's Chaos"

Horus: "Wow ... my mind's blown ..."

The Gates open ... and a bright shining world lies beyond.

Magnus: "Guys ... I can't follow you ... there's something I need to do ... I'll catch up with you later"

Thrall: "My lord Horus, the Thousand Sons are moving away!"

Horus: "Dammit Magnus! Where are you going?"

Thrall: "Sir! The Space Wolves are following!"

Russ: "Wherever he's going, he's not going without me!"

Horus: "Fine! Have your own subplot! I'll continue the main quest without you! Fleets! With me! Full ahead through the Gates of Varl! The Fish of Time awaits!"

As the Thousand Sons and the Space Wolves separate from the fleet, the other Primarchs head through the Gates of Varl to the unknown world beyond ...

TO BE CONTINUED ...


	54. Chapter LIV

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER FIFTY SIX*** = = = = = = = =

"I cast Storm of the Emperor's Wrath at the darkness!"

With the six Keys of Carl obtained, our heroes now pass through the dreaded Gates of Varl in search of the mythical Fish of Time; a being of power said to grant the gift of time-travel to those who ask. With the ability to travel back in time, our Primarchs seek to destroy the hated C'tan before their rise to power, and ensure the 41st millennium stays dark and gothic for future generations to come!

A small world orbits a dying sun, a veritable dead world in the backwaters of the Imperium. No one goes here, save crazy people and teenagers looking for an awesome make-out spot in their stolen starships (if that's even remotely likely ...). It's here, at this world, that the combined fleets of the Thousand Sons and the Space Wolves (possibly the most unlikely alliance in the 40K mythos) approach low-orbit. A single Aquilla Lander leaves both of the largest vessels in each fleet. The craft head towards a small point in a peninsula on the largest continent of the world.

Russ: Stepping down the landing ramp of the Aquilla Lander. "What a dump ... no life ... no trees ... just snow and wind ... and the biting cold ..."

Ragnar Blackmane: "Like godsdamn home my lord!"

Russ: "Hell yeah! Boys! Spread out! Perimeter point! Don't get too relaxed just 'cause this place is a bleedin paradise!"

Blackmane: "You heard our lord! Wolves - move out!"

The Thousand Sons Aquilla Lander touches down nearby, and Magnus walks out carrying a stasis chamber in his great hands. His elite Scarab Guard stand beside him, including Ahriman.

Ragnar: "Hmm ... what's Ahriman doing here? I thought he was exiled?"

Russ: "I thought he was on Terra" He approaches the Thousand Sons. "Magnus ... Ahriman ... surprised to see you here. How goes the siege?"

Ahriman: "Terrible. It's a war of attrition. The Necrons are too well dug-in for us to shift them easily; they are using our fortifications now, after all. We really shouldn't have built them so well ... or at least given us override codes or something ... or a back door ..."

Russ: "'Our'? When did you consider yourself part of the Imperium again?"

Ahriman: "Since last week. Malcador signed the Errata Treaty. All Space Marines, whether chosen from the loyalist or Chaos Codexes, are considered to be Space Marines for things like ATSKNF and Rites of Battle. Plus your Terminators now benefit from Chaos Icons ... it's all cool and cheesy now"

Ragnar: "ATSKNF? You guys have it now?"

Ahriman: "Woke up that following morning feeling a lot more confident. Don't fall back these days as much as I used to"

Magnus: "Weren't you Fearless?"

Ahriman: "Hmm ... good point"

Ragnar: "So ... what are we doing here?"

Magnus: "Witchery ... you might want to find a snow drift to piss in while I do this"

Russ: "What are you doing Magnus?"

Magnus: "What I have to"

Russ: "Tell me. I don't want any unnecessary plot twists because we couldn't communicate"

Magnus: "I'm bringing Fred back"

Russ: "You know this isn't going to end well"

Magnus: "I know ... but my character development demands it"

Russ: "Don't be a slave to the trope! Fight it! Do the right thing!"

Magnus: "What I want is the right thing, Russ"

Russ: "Don't go arguing that subjective-objective logic crap with me! You know what I meant!"

Magnus: "I'm sorry Russ, my mind's made up. All I ask of you is to cover any **** that I may throw into the fan unintentionally"

Russ: "Aye ... I'll be doing that ... go on ..."

Magnus walks off in the direction of a strange stone circle on the top of a great cliff overlooking the sea.

Ragnar: "Are you sure my lord? Remember when Magnus damaged the Webway with his 'warning'?"

Russ: "Firstly, stop reading the new Heresy crap. Secondly, why would I care? Traffic in the warp is a dangerous thing, and if I don't trust teleporters why would I trust a webway? Magnus is doing what he can to save a life and restore his honour ... and what are we without honour?"

Ragnar: "Piss-poor football hooligans"

Russ: "Damn straight. We're Space Marines, and Space Wolves at that! We do what we can for the good of Humanity!"

Ragnar: "So committing mass genocide on an entire planetary population and slaughtering countless millions of women, children, and innocents because they happened to own a grocery shop on Prospero was ... what?"

Russ: "To demonstrate that we are no better than those we persecute ... we loyalists are merely Chaos Marines in denial ... time to escape that and start fighting for what we believe in"

Ragnar: "And what is that?"

Russ: "An Awesome future"

Ragnar: "With a little Win?"

Russ: "That too"

Meanwhile ... within the stone circle ...

Ahriman: "Are you sure?"

Magnus: "Yes ... I wrote the epic spell this morning. I only need you to reduce the DC to manageable reach by my awesome Spellcraft modifier"

Ahriman: "Very well" He motions to the Rubrics to leave the area, the Scarab Guard to likewise.

Magnus: "Let us begin ... I call upon the eight winds of Chaos ... I call upon each by name-"

NIGHTBRINGER: "STOP RIGHT THERE!"

Ahriman: "Holy crap ... his name's in all-caps ..."

NIGHTBRINGER: "Damn straight it is motherfethers! I've got a scythe here with your names on it, and an extreme power-up to boost! Plus plenty of scoring units to make sure you don't win again"

Russ: "KEEP TELLING YARSELF THAT!" Leaps from one of the stones onto the NIGHTBRINGER's back, plunging his spear deep into the Necrodermis.

NIGHTBRINGER: "Get off!"

Russ: "MAGNUS! START THE RITUAL!"

The Space Wolves descend upon the Necrons with bestial fury. The Scarab Guard and the Rubrics join the fray ...

Magnus: "I call upon you ... Malal! Restore life to my beloved! I give her to you in exchange for my soul! MALAL! MALAL!"

Malal: "No need to shout ... I'm right here ..."

Great coils of energy descend into Fred's body, and she begins to glow with unholy energies.

Malal: "Finally ... I LIVE AGAIN!"

Fred ... or rather the thing that Fred now is ... rises and faces the Necrons.

Fred/Malal: "BEGONE!"

Great coils of energy lance out and strike the Necrons, obliterating their metal bodies.

NIGHTBRINGER: "YOU LITTLE BITCH! I SHALL DESTROY YOU!"

Fred/Malal: "I think not ... ULTIMATE REJECTION!"

NIGHTBRINGER: "NOOOO!"

The C'tan explodes in a bright light of AWESOME psychic energies. The freed energy quickly escapes into the sky, taking time to write 'I'LL BE BACK!' in the clouds as it escapes.

Magnus: "Fred ..."

Fred/Malal: "Yes ... that was what the mortal was called ... she's still here ... she is me ... and I am her ... such an interesting mind ... I could not destroy it ... so full of life ... so full of interesting desires ... mostly sexual ... interesting use of mechadendrites ... yes ... much I can learn from her ... and she can learn much from me ... if I am to reclaim my rightful place as a god once again ... I must understand those who will worship me ... yes ... she feels greatly for you ... I suppose I do now too ... Magnus"

Magnus: Leans over and whispers at Ahriman. "Is Malal a girl or a boy?"

Ahriman: "It's a Warp God. They don't have gender"

Magnus: "I can live with that ... what shall I call you?"

Fred/Malal: "Hmm ... a name ... something to reflect us ... me I mean ... Omnissiah this is confusing ... wait what am I doing ... I can be my own god now - I am a god! Wait ... I can curse myself ... and take my own name in vain ... I need a name ... Falal!"

Magnus & Ahriman & Russ: "Falal?"

Falal: "Yes! It'll avoid the IP infringement ... and it sounds similar enough that my old followers will still recognise me ... hmm ... speaking of which ..." She starts feeling her own breasts. "Not bad ... wait" Sticks a hand down her simple cloth trousers. "Ah ... that's a relief. Thought for a moment I had it augmented ..." She turns around. "Show yourself!"

A familiar strange woman steps out from behind the foliage.

Tzeentch: "You could sense me?"

Falal: "Your energy tastes just like it used to, and you radiate enough of it a child could sense your presence from the other side of this world"

Ahriman: Whispers to Magnus. "Did you?"

Magnus: "Oh yeah ... course I did ... what? Did you think I missed the Avatar of a Chaos God hiding in the bushes over there ... course I didn't ... ahem ..."

Tzeentch: "Do you like the gift?"

Falal: "It was you?"

Magnus: "It was you?"

Tzeentch: "Of course dear. I am the Architect of Fate, She Who Rolls Your Dice. Pray to me when you want boxcars ... or snake eyes for Leadership Tests ... except Psychic Tests when I provide a variable roll depending on your Leadership characteristic ... I failed Fred's save for her. I saw great potential in her ... and I wanted to see how much you loved her ... does this mean you don't love me?"

Magnus: "You're my god ... it kinda doesn't work that way ..."

Tzeentch: "It could ... I save you from Prospero ... from that ugly git over there-" She points at Russ, who growls. "-I've been looking out for you all this time. I gave you a perfect Legion-" Ahriman looks offended, then realises it's probably not in his best interest to argue against who was behind the Rubric proper. "-I gave you ultimate power ... and all the D&D books for 3rd Ed ... I did this because I loved you! I want you to be happy ... but if being with her will make you happy ... then ... I suppose ..."

Falal: "Oh! A threesome!"

Magnus: "I was not expecting that ... but I'm not arguing!"

Ragnar: "My lord ... am I hearing this properly?"

Russ: "Magnus has bagged himself two hot birds with godlike ultimate power without trying? Yeah ... the universe is not fair ..."

Ragnar: "No ... not when Fate Herself apparently hates your guts"

Russ: He sighs. "Like normal ... lets find a pub on this damn world ..."

Ragnar: "And if there isn't any?"

Russ: "Then by the Emperor we shall build it! And they shall come!"

Ragnar: "Damn awesome idea, my lord!"

TO BE CONTINUED ...


	55. Chapter LV

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER FIFTY SEVEN*** = = = = = = = =

"Wondergaunt! Healthy food for your young Gaunt (of any genus)!"

With the six Keys of Carl obtained, our heroes now pass through the dreaded Gates of Varl in search of the mythical Fish of Time; a being of power said to grant the gift of time-travel to those who ask. With the ability to travel back in time, our Primarchs seek to destroy the hated C'tan before their rise to power, and ensure the 41st millennium stays dark and gothic for future generations to come!

On the observation deck of the Ultimate Badass ...

Thrall: "I think we're lost my lord ..."

Horus: "We are not lost ... we are ... somewhere I have not remembered yet ..."

Thrall: "We're lost ..."

Horus backhands Thrall in the face, crushing his skull.

Horus: "Someone get me a new Thrall! This one's suffered Unfortunate"

Lorgar: Over the intercomm. "Unfortunate?"

Horus: "Unfortunate That He Annoyed Horus"

Lorgar: "Admit it - he had a point. We're lost"

Horus: "We are not lost! I know exactly where we are!"

Lorgar: "So where are we?"

Horus: "Going somewhere"

Lorgar: "Where?"

Horus: "Somewhere that isn't here"

Lorgar: "That's screwey logic ..."

Horus: "It's my logic. Which pwns all"

Lorgar: "You did not just pronounce the 'p' there, did you?"

Horus: "If there is a 'p', I shall pronounce it. I am Warmaster. I am awesome"

Dorn: Over the inter-comm. "Screw the Fish of Time, lets just beat the C'tan to death with Horus' ego"

Horus: Seriously considering it. "Would that be possible?"

Ferrus: Via inter-comm. "Well we've managed to do some pretty crazy stuff lately, so I would imagine we could find a way ..."

Lorgar: "That's beside the point; we're still lost!"

Dorn: "Sensors detect nothing. It's like there's either nothing out there, or there's a really powerful jamming going on"

Lorgar: "If it's nothing, it's very bright. I've had to put the blinds down on the windows ..."

Horus: "I'm just wearing my awesome shades ..."

Lorgar: "You would ..."

Dorn: "So where are we?"

Horus: "Where are we not?"

Lorgar: "That's a circular argument! You're not allowed circular arguments!"

Horus: "Who says I can't?"

Lorgar: "I do! I'll write it down in my books - Horus cannot use circular arguments!"

Horus: "You cannot install anti-Horus rules in your religion!"

Lorgar: "Yes I can! I can make a whole religion out of it! Anti-Horusism!"

Horus: "That's not fair!"

Lorgar: "And I'll have my own little followers called Anti-Horustles!"

Horus: "I don't have followers! You can't have followers when I don't! I forbid it under Article 21 of the Warmaster Rights Act!"

Lorgar: "Screw that! I'm over-ruling it!"

Dorn: "I'm over-ruling you both!"

Vulkan: "Over-ruled!"

Dorn: "On what basis?"

Vulkan: "On the basis that I'm awesome and you're not"

Dorn: "That makes no logical sense!"

Vulkan: "It does to me, and I count"

Horus: "I count double - all of you are over-ruled!"

Mortarion: "Can I say something?"

Horus: "No you can't, I'm demonstrating my superiority"

Mortarion: "Shall I tell the Eldar fleet rapidly approaching us to wait until your ego is satisfied then?"

Horus: "Eldar ... what?"

Asurmen: "Attention Imperial fleet! You will not obtain the Fish of Time!"

Horus: "Aren't we on the same side?"

Asurmen: "We're feeling capricious ... Eldar style"

Lorgar: "This is insane! The C'tan will kill us both!"

Asurmen: "But if we have the chance to kill both the Yngir and the Imperium? It's worth a shot"

Horus: "I sense a betrayal!"

Asurmen: "You sense wrong. This is a Plot Twist"

Horus: "Plot Twist Betrayal!"

Asurmen: "That's just being pedantic"

Horus: "Don't argue with me! Primarchs!"

Lorgar: "No arguing with Horus - that's our job!"

Mortarion: "If anyone needs me again, I'll be kicking some ass ..."

TO BE CONTINUED ...


	56. Chapter LVI

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER FIFTY EIGHT*** = = = = = = = =

"I was walking home one day when it struck me! Why not arm Guardsmen with Boltguns? Space Marines outnumber us 10 to 1, so they're in plentiful supply! Unfortunately I was struck down by Game Balance before my idea could be made reality ..." - Bob, Guardsman

With the six Keys of Carl obtained, our heroes now pass through the dreaded Gates of Varl in search of the mythical Fish of Time; a being of power said to grant the gift of time-travel to those who ask. With the ability to travel back in time, our Primarchs seek to destroy the hated C'tan before their rise to power, and ensure the 41st millennium stays dark and gothic for future generations to come!

Lorgar: "It's a very short intro text"

Horus: "Do you want longer?"

Lorgar: "I would ... with better wordplay ... more prose ... more body ..."

Hey, I'm not Shakespeare here!

Lorgar: "That's no excuse for being lazy on the opening narrative ..."

Well fine then ...

It is the 41st millennium, a dark and gothic future where joy is only found in textbooks and countless billions (with is a number, so kinda makes that 'countless' bit somewhat redundant) toil in futility serving a merciless government which cares not for the lives of its subjects, only their endless worship of a rotting corpse bound to the ancient techno-magicks of the Golden Throne. This is the God-Emperor of mankind, an ancient relic of times long since lost, of an age of reason and enlightenment cast away by a Humanity unfit for its glories. Now the God-Emperor sits immobile, in constant suffering, his mind fractured and assaulted by the great powers of the Warp; dark beings forged from the very emotions of sentient life.

Here, in this dark, bleak universe, we find our heroes; the Primarchs. Genetically engineered beings of incredible power, the Primarchs were once hailed as the saviours of the Human race, but their very Humanity caused their downfall. Pride, greed, envy, and basic Human ambition caused their downfall, and eventual civil war that almost destroyed the Imperium of Man. The Emperor's price for his belief in Humanity? Chained to the Golden Throne, his glorious empire reduced to a realm of superstition and fear. The Gods of Chaos granted powerful champions, and legions of unstoppable Space Marines with which to carve a bloody path through the universe.

Lorgar: "I told him mankind needed religion. Now he's just gone and proved me right"

Dorn: "The Imperium of Man is an abomination against the Emperor's original Imperial Truth"

Lorgar: "The Imperial Truth is just atheistic propaganda designed to ensure Humanity's continual ignorance of the vast properties of the universe and realms beyond. If the Imperial Truth was, I don't know, actual truth, then Chaos would have been welcomed and embraced as beneficial powers for the Imperium, and not something to fear"

Dorn: "That's absurd!"

Lorgar: "Is it? The Chaos Powers feared the Emperor for his desire to harness Human emotion and starve them of their energy. They did what any self-respecting sentient being would do when deprived of their food source - sought out means to restore that source. The Heresy was merely a device to ensure Humanity once embraced their emotions and sought to be what nature intended them to be"

Dorn: "Barbarians? Blood frenzied killers? Religious fanatics?"

Lorgar: "Is it so wrong to feel emotion and to harbour belief? Emotion and belief have shaped Human history for as long as written records have existed. Since the earliest time of Humanity, prayer has been spoken to a God or Gods. Anger was felt, as was joy, happiness, sadness, and love. To take those away from us would be to deprive Humanity of ... well ... its Humanity"

Dorn: "And killing endlessly for Khorne?"

Lorgar: "A glorious display of anger and hate, of frenzy and bloodlust. Only when they exist can such emotions as compassion, love, care, and devotion exist. Black cannot exist without white. As white cannot exist without black. Opposites need each other. For the Imperium to exist, it needs Chaos. This is the Truth"

Vulkan: "Are we going to spend all this chapter debating philosophy?"

Lorgar: "I don't see why not ... the Eldar fleet is skill several Astronomical Units away from us and they're not travelling any faster"

Horus: "I'm bored ... I thought space battles were supposed to be fast-paced an exciting"

Lorgar: "Obviously you've never played Battlefleet Gothic then ..."

Vulkan: "To put it more simply; Star Wars lied"

Horus: "What? Darth Vader wasn't Luke's father?"

Vulkan: "Not quite ... essentially pulling off tight turns in a vacuum is incredibly difficult without extremely powerful force beyond the scope of such craft as TIE Fighters. Secondly, space is BIG"

Horus: "I noticed ..."

Vulkan: "Most space battles are conducted beyond visual range. Generally we'll be ordering our gun crews to fire at that small white spot just off the port bow. The Eldar fleet will probably stop when they're a couple of thousand kilometres away, in range of their guns but you won't see them pulling up right in our faces just so we can admire their pretty paint schemes"

Horus: "So we won't see them?"

Vulkan: "It'll be hard to tell them apart from the stars ... if they're reflecting much light at all. In this bright nebula, I doubt we'll see much against the background. Our only clue they'll be there is the sensor readings and the incoming lance shots"

Horus: "This is the reality of space battles?"

Vulkan: "Yes"

Horus: "Reality sucks"

Vulkan: "Yup. Also, in reality lasguns are actually quite effective weapons capable of burning through flesh, muscle and bone in milliseconds"

Horus: "Reality double sucks"

Vulkan: "Also, if one were to pay attention to the zygotes implanted in Space Marines, they are far from the invulnerable killing machines the BL insists they are. Headshots still work wonders, for example"

Horus: "Remind me not to remind people about real-life laws of physics ..."

Vulkan: "Oh don't worry. The 40K universe ignores enough of them anyway. Otherwise the Adeptus Mechanicus would send ground servey teams to every battlefield someone requested the use of Battle-Class and heavier Titans just to make sure the ground would support the weight of such machines"

Horus: "Why bother when virus bombs seem to work so well ... seriously why were they banned? What's the logic there? They're effective at killing xenos, we want to kill xenos, ergo we use virus bombs"

Vulkan: "Probably because the virus eats plant life as well, and the Emperor loves his trees and flowers"

Horus: "He's a tree-hugging hippy at heart isn't he?"

Vulkan: "Quite possibly"

Horus: "So can we start shooting at the Eldar yet?"

Thrall: "They're still out of weapon range. We could fire torpedoes, however"

Horus: "Fire them! Make something explode!"

Thrall: "Torpedos fired"

Horus: "Excellent ... so ... erm ... when ... when is ... the bang ... going to happen?"

Thrall: "At current velocity the torpedoes will impact with the Eldar vessels in twenty-three minutes"

Horus: "You're seriously kidding me ... I have to wait twenty-three minutes to hear my explosion!"

Thrall: "You won't hear it"

Horus: "What?"

Thrall: "Space is a vacuum sir, sound doesn't travel through it"

Horus: "So I can't hear it? Can I at least see it?"

Thrall: "At this distance ... unlikely ..."

Horus: "Lorgar!"

Lorgar: "Reality sucks?"

Horus: "Damn straight!"

TO BE CONTINUED ...

Horus: "Have they hit yet?"


	57. Chapter LVII

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER FIFTY NINE*** = = = = = = = =

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" - Abaddon, upon discovering Horus really is his clone-father

With the six Keys of Carl obtained, our heroes now pass through the dreaded Gates of Varl in search of the mythical Fish of Time; a being of power said to grant the gift of time-travel to those who ask. With the ability to travel back in time, our Primarchs seek to destroy the hated C'tan before their rise to power, and ensure the 41st millennium stays dark and gothic for future generations to come!

Horus: "Have they hit yet?"

Thrall: "No my lord"

Horus: "Oh for heaven's sake! Are these the slowest torpedoes in history! We fired them last chapter!"

Thrall: "They've hit"

Horus: "I would expect so! So ... where's the bang?"

Thrall: "That dot there my lord"

Horus: Strains eyes. "Really?"

Thrall: "Yes my lord"

Horus: "I can't see anything"

A huge flash almost blinds everyone.

Horus: "Now that's an explosion!"

Angron: Over the inter-comm. "That was me"

Horus: "What the hell did you use?"

Angron: "I had the contents of the nebula scanned and detected a large amount of volatile gasses. The Eldar fleet were heading towards a particularly dense pocket of such gasses, so I ordered the warheads of several torpedoes replaced with timed detonation variants instead"

Horus: "Hang on ... Angron was that intelligence you just demonstrated there"

Angron: "Hey, if it involves blowing crap up ... it's other stuff that bores me"

Horus: "I stand impressed - be honoured"

Angron: "Screw that, I have better things to do. Fleet, prepare the port broadside batteries and turn our ships ninety starboard. I want to greet the Eldar with flashy stuff that goes bang"

Horus: "They're lance batteries Angron"

Angron: "Awesome. They go bang - I like them"

Lorgar: Over the inter-comm. "Simple things ..."

Angron: "Speaking of big bangs - where's our nukes?"

Horus: "Do we have nukes?"

Angron: "Why shouldn't we? They make huge explosions!"

Lorgar: "It's not really mentioned much. Kind of insinuated we have stuff that makes bigger bangs"

Angron: "Screw that - I want nukes. They have big explosions and radiation poisoning to boot"

Lorgar: "No such luck out here in space I'm afraid; our ships have so much radiation shielding as basic protection you'll be lucky to get a single baby born with so much as an extra toe"

Angron: "Bah"

Vulkan: Over the inter-comm. "Found some! Do you want me to ship them over?"

Angron: "Do we have time?"

Horus: Looks at Thrall. "Well ... do we?"

Thrall: "The Eldar fleet is still over one AU away"

Horus: "Bloody hell ..."

Asurmen: Over the inter-comm. "Dull isn't it?"

Horus: "You reconsidered?"

Asurmen: "No ... we're still determined to betray you ... although ... any chance for a cup of tea? We've been waiting here for you since Chapter 30"

Horus: "Wha ... wait ... no! No cup of tea for you! You're betraying us! Why should I give you a cup of tea?"

Asurmen: "Because it's a jolly decent thing to do?"

Horus: "But you're betraying us!"

Asurmen: "Well there's no need to take it personal. It's in the description on the back of our Codex"

Horus: "What? 'Will screw over any and all allies?'"

Asurmen: "No, arrogance. Look at it from our perspective. We unleashed a whole load of crap on the universe, and we need to clean it up. Before we could do that, along comes your Emperor and his grand scheme of mass xenocide and we're like 'Well ... screw that! We're not out the game yet'. So who's the arrogant ones now?"

Horus: "The galaxy belongs to Humanity!"

Asurmen: "Says who? I don't see your name on it"

Horus: "Well I don't see your name on it either!"

Asurmen: "Yes it is. Look at the galactic map, tilt your head to one side, squint a little, and hum to yourself. The words 'Eldar Rulz' is written in the Halo stars"

Horus: "That's stupid ..." Gets out his map and follows Asurmen's instructions. "Well I'll be buggered sideways with a grox ..."

Lorgar: "Damn he's right. What is the chance that a stellar formation thousands of light years in width and length will form the exact pattern required for the High Gothic script for 'Eldar Rulz'?"

Horus: "About as much chance as you getting laid"

Lorgar: "I'm married"

Horus: "Thus I am proved right once again. Right ... Asurmen! Fine. I'll admit the galaxy has your name on it, but when I have the Fish of Time I will re-arrange those stars and print 'Horus FTW' on this galaxy"

Dorn: "Erm ... and dad?"

Horus: "I'll add a footnote somewhere ..."

Thrall: "The Eldar fleet is almost in range ..."

Horus: "About bloody time! Screw the tea, Asurmen! Today your kind will face defeat!"

Asurmem: "Ah ... one small problem there"

Horus: "What?"

Asurmen: "Farseers"

Horus: "Come again?"

Asurmen: "Farseers. Know what they do?"

Horus: "Course I know what they do! They see into the future! What does this have to do with anything?"

Asurmen: "We foresaw this battle, and made appropriate arrangements. You'll notice that your on-board computer systems, designed and programmed in the Great Crusade, have in-built commands that prevents firing upon Eldar ships. You'll also notice that it's now shutting down all your engines and reducing power to bare minimum. You'll also notice the smiley face and 'Have a Happy Defeat' slogan plastered on all hololithic screens. Finally, you'll realise that attempting to use Ferrus' elite hacking skills to get around our virus will not work, as we've made sure that Ferrus is genetically incapable of countering Eldar virus software"

Ferrus: "Holy crap! He's right! I can't ... I just can't do it!"

Asurmen: "We bribed one of the Emperor's many scientists on Terra to alter some of your genetic coding, ensuring that when the time came we can anticipate your every action. An in answer to your reply: yes we can"

Horus: "You can't do that! ... oh ... you already answered that ..."

Asurmen: "No you won't"

Horus: "We will find ... a ... way ... to defeat you, and you already answered that one ..."

Asurmen: "End of chapter"

TO BE CONTINUED ...

Horus: "Oh you're good"


	58. Chapter LVIII

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER SIXTY*** = = = = = = = =

"How sword, how I love thee ... oh stabby-stabby instant deathy sword ... my little Drachy ... wait ... is this thing still recording? CRAP!" - Current most popular video on WarpTube

With the six Keys of Carl obtained, our heroes now pass through the dreaded Gates of Varl in search of the mythical Fish of Time; a being of power said to grant the gift of time-travel to those who ask. With the ability to travel back in time, our Primarchs seek to destroy the hated C'tan before their rise to power, and ensure the 41st millennium stays dark and gothic for future generations to come!

We join our heroes as they sit in separate holding cells aboard the Eldar super-Craftworld (like a normal Craftworld ... only super) contemplating the events that have led them to their current situation.

Lorgar: "It's pointless ..."

Horus: "That's defeat! I refuse to comprehend that concept! It's anathema to me!"

Konrad: "He does have a point, however. The Eldar have quite successfully managed to organise ten thousand years of Human history"

Dorn: "You believed all that crap Asurmen was talking about? That the whole of Human history since the Fall of the Eldar was a complex plan designed to open the Gates of Varl and unleash the powers of the Fish of Time!"

Ferrus: "Why not? I've done similar in RTS games. You plan ahead, place your pieces, wait until the moment is right, and if you can get your opponent to do all the hard work for you, then all the better"

Horus: "So I was a mere pawn for the Eldar from the moment I was born?"

Perturabo: "Seems like dad was as well"

Horus: "NEVER! Our father may be many things; arrogant, idiotic, with the mind of a five-year-old given his first plastic Space Marine box set, but a pawn for the Eldar! Never!"

Vulkan: "How can you fight an enemy that as already seen and planned for anything you do?"

Horus: "Do something they haven't seen - something they won't expect!"

Vulkan: "Any ideas?"

Horus: "HEADBUT THE WALLS!" He slams his head into the strange glowing walls of his holding cell. "EMPEROR-CHRIST ALMIGHTY! THAT HURT!"

Mortarion: "I told you earlier ... it's Ultra-Wraithbone. Harder than normal Wraithbone, with twice the Hardness and Hit Points. It can withstand the direct impact of a Nova Cannon. Your head isn't going through it any time soon"

Horus: "This situations infuriates me!"

Vulkan: "I'm not too happy about it either ... my theme tune is suspicious in its absence ..."

Mortarion: "I can whistle it if you want"

Lorgar: "Angron, you've been awfully quiet ..."

Angron: "I'm thinking ..."

Corax: "That sounds painful ... you might want to stop before you do yourself an injury .."

Angron: "Not about escaping ... about Magnus and Russ"

Horus: "Of course! They're still out there!"

Sanguinius: "They'll come to our rescue!"

Fulgrim: "If they're not trying to claw each other to pieces ..."

Khan: "Claw, is one thing Magnus does not do ..."

Ferrus: "I think he's been multi-classing as a Druid ... so he might these days ..."

Horus: "Enough idle chatter! I propose plan A for escape!"

Sanguinius: "Escape starts with an 'e' ..."

Horus: "... and people wonder why I killed him ..."

Dorn: "What is this plan Horus?"

Horus: "With all our ungodly power ... sit and wait for Magnus and Russ to bail us out of here ..."

Perturabo: "Amazing plan there mate ... utterly flawless"

Horus: "It's flawless in it's simplicity! No one will suspect us siting idly and waiting to be rescued - it's against our characters!"

Lorgar: "As much as it pains me to admit this ... Horus does have a point ... in a way ..."

Dorn: "Hmm ... well it has a shade of logic ... that's all I'm saying on the matter"

Horus: "Oh yes! Score one for the H-meister!"

Perturabo: "Your capacity to make me wish I was not related to you increases with each thing you say ..."

Ferrus: "On the topic of relations ... what else do you think the Eldar have done to us?"

Horus: "I've no idea"

Lorgar: "Insert some of their arrogance?"

Horus: "What a stupid idea! As if Eldar could know what arrogance is! Real Human arrogance will always be more arrogant than an Eldar! It's true because I said so!"

Lorgar: "Check that one then ..."

Ferrus: "Strange ..."

Lorgar: "What?"

Ferrus: "When I touched the wall here ... it moved ..."

Lorgar: "That's just optimism ..."

Ferrus: "Wait ... it did it again ... I wonder if ..." He presses an arm through the wall, and follows with his body, stepping through the wall into Angron's cell next door.

Angron: "Impressive. So when were you going to let us know you could do that?"

Ferrus: "I didn't know! Why would I know I could do that? What did I do?"

Angron: "Looks like you told the Wraithbone to let you pass"

Ferrus: "I can talk to Wraithbone? But how?"

Lorgar: "The Eldar?"

Ferrus: "But why? Why would they give me a talent that lets me manipulate the very stuff most of their technology is built out of?"

Horus: "Hmm ... could be a trap"

Ferrus: "Lets risk it, with me Angron?"

Angron: "Of course. Eldar are squishy, it we meet any I've got my fists"

Ferrus: "Lets move ..."

Meanwhile, many light-years away ...

Arhra: "That was a delightul steak. Exquisite flavourings and spices if I do say so ... am I picking up the bill?"

Slaanesh: "Of course dear ..."

Arhra: "I thought as much. So ... have they been captured? Ah! Waiter?"

Slaanesh: "Asurmen contacted me a few hours ago ... they have been made aware of their purpose"

Arhra: "The fools probably won't understand it for a while. They'll need to stumble around for several chapters before it dawns on them. They still believe they were forged to guide Humanity ... excuse me waiter?"

Slaanesh: "They will realise they have a much greater goal. We didn't take them from that fool in their youth for no reason"

Arhra: "Of course not ... I trust T has everything sorted? Erm .. waiter?"

Slaanesh: "She's with Magnus. Malal walks amongst us once again"

Arhra: "Excellent stuff. Waiter? Oh for the love of ..."

Slaanesh: "The pieces are moving ... the cards are drawn ... soon Arhra ... very soon ..."

Arhra: Raises a glass. "To an awesome future!"

Slaanesh: She does likewise. "To an awesome future ... excuse me waiter?"

Fifty waiters appear beside her.

Arhra: "You slut"

Slaanesh: Smiles.

TO BE CONTINUED ...


	59. Chapter LIX

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER SIXTY ONE*** = = = = = = = =

"What happens when you put a Bag of Holding inside a Vortex Grenade?"

With the six Keys of Carl obtained, our heroes now pass through the dreaded Gates of Varl in search of the mythical Fish of Time; a being of power said to grant the gift of time-travel to those who ask. With the ability to travel back in time, our Primarchs seek to destroy the hated C'tan before their rise to power, and ensure the 41st millennium stays dark and gothic for future generations to come!

Cue the Mission Impossible theme tune as Ferrus, Angron, and Konrad sneak around the corner deep within the bowels of the Craftworld.

Konrad: "Is this necessary?"

Ferrus: "It gets us in the mood"

Angron: "But won't the Eldar hear it?"

Ferrus: "Dude ... only the protagonists hear the music. Antagonists never, otherwise the change in theme would otherwise warn them of their upcoming downfall"

Angron: "When did you become so genre savvy?"

Ferrus: "I hang around on the Internet. Spend enough time there and you'll have deconstructed reality into its component tropes"

Konrad: "Fair en- ... back guys!"

They quickly slide out of view as a black-armoured warrior of unknown Aspect walks past.

Angron: "Why are we hiding from them?"

Ferrus: "Have you actually bothered to look at their level? Man; there's gods with less class levels than those things! I've no idea what they are, but we don't want to get ourselves into a fight with them"

Angron: "We could take them!"

Ferrus: "Perhaps, but we can't afford the delay. The whole point is to make the Eldar think we're still in prison - that's why Dorn made those papermache clones of us!"

Konrad: "Where did he get the materials for them?"

Ferrus: He shrugs.

Konrad: "Yeah ... I didn't want to know anyway ... keep a watch on the left - there's two guys about to come around the corner ..."

And they do ...

Angron: "I don't like all this 'hiding' crap. It stunts my style"

Ferrus: "That would be the 'charge in and kill everything stand, and if they're not dead after that hit them some more' style?"

Angron: "Damn straight. Been working for me for the last ten thousand years"

Konrad: "'If it ain't broke don't fix it'?"

Angron: "That's what ma mumma always told me"

Konrad: "You have a mother?"

Angron: "I was jossing with you. Don't be silly - I was the abandoned offspring of science gone wrong just like you"

Konrad: Being sarcastic. "That's comforting ..."

Ferrus: "So ... this way?"

Angron: "If the Eldar design their Craftworlds with a hint of common sense, the communication room should be somewhere near the main command bridge ... or whatever passes for it here"

Ferrus: "The Craftworlds were originally freight vessels, so there should be a centralised command room somewhere ..."

Konrad: "That's assuming Eldar spaceship design follows the Human version of common sense ..."

Angron: "There's different versions?"

Konrad: "This may come as a shock to you Ang, but common sense isn't. Even amongst members of the same species ..."

Angron: "Well ... anyone who doesn't share my common sense can talk to my axe"

Konrad: "Now there's a life philosophy I believe we all can learn from"

Ferrus: "Mine is simple: kill it with fire. Solves everything"

Angron: "I like that attitude. Simple and to the point. And it involves immolation"

Ferrus: "See? Everyone's happy!"

Konrad: "And people say I'm the monster ..."

Ferrus: "You are the monster. We're the guys who pretend we aren't monsters then wipe out whole ethnic minorities because one of them criticised our painting skills"

Konrad: "Enjoy your monster status. Shall I scout ahead?"

Ferrus: "What happened to your precognition?"

Konrad: "I found a scout assassin ball"

Ferrus: "Where? We were stripped of all our possessions before we were chucked in those cells!"

Konrad: "Don't ask. Your mind will thank you in later years"

Ferrus: "Good point. Scout ahead then"

Konrad throws the A-ball, which opens up to reveal a small assassin.

Evesomon: "Kill! Kill!"

Konrad: "Scout ahead little Evesomon!"

Evesomon: "Kill! Kill!"

Konrad: "Try not to do too much of that"

Evesomon: "Dull! Dull!"

Konrad: "Just shut up and scout"

Little Evesomon runs off ahead.

Konrad: "Someone's blocking my precognition"

Ferrus: "Farseer?"

Konrad: Nods. "And a bloody powerful one at that"

Angron: "Just let me at him! Farseers are soft and squishy!"

Ferrus: "Ever played 2nd Edition? Toughness 5 is no joke to wound"

Angron: "But this is 5th!"

Ferrus: "Hey, if Magnus can change editions at whim, chances are the Eldar can. They're just as sneaky, and they're generally sexier to boot"

Angron: "Eldar? Sexy?"

Ferrus: "Ever seen Playboy's Eldar Girls 42,078? Damn fine specimens ..."

Angron: "I'm in a committed relationship thank you very much"

Ferrus: "Man, it's like admiring fine art. You can admire fine art when you've got a girlfriend, yes?"

Angron: "You don't have Sarah Kerrigan as your girlfriend. Queen Bitch of the Universe remember?"

Ferrus: "Fair point"

Konrad: "Have you ever had a girlfriend, Ferrus?"

Ferrus: "Once. It was an awesome relationship - a meeting of minds and egos. Unfortunately ... she had other commitments ..."

Konrad: "What was her name?"

Ferrus: "SHODAN ..."

Silence.

Konrad: "The mad AI from System Shock?"

Ferrus: "Yeah ... we met on a chat forum - .com - and found something in common with our joint desire to rule the universe and subject it to our joint tyranical regime ..."

Konrad: "How beautiful ..." He's being sarcastic. "What happened?"

Ferrus: "She ran off with HAL ... slut ..."

Angron: Lays a hand on Ferrus' shoulder. "I feel your pain. Many a women has left me for another man ... nothing's stopped me from slicing them both up though. I recommend that method of getting over the feeling of betrayal"

Ferrus: "Thanks mate. Appreciated"

Konrad: "Heads up. Powerful and scary black dudes are back!"

Ferrus: "Man ... that's so politically incorrect ..."

Konrad: "You know what I meant!"

Angron: "I know those guys ..."

Konrad: "How can you know them? You know nothing except swords and killing things!"

Angron: "I've seen them before ... at GoreCon last year ... oh GoreCon's a convention for all things killy and powerfully awesome ... they entered the annual arena competition against me ... I lost ... quite badly ... I never forget the face of someone who's defeated me ..."

Konrad: "And yet it's taken you this long to remember them?"

Angron: The look.

Konrad: "I jest ... who are they?"

Angron: "The announcer claimed they were from the Black Library ..."

Ferrus: "Wait! Those are the 'horrifying' creatures that protect the most heavily defended Craftworld in existence!"

Konrad: "Guardians of the Black Library ... so broken GW refuses to publish stats for them ... they apparently make Jervis Johnson's kid cry at night ... Super Solitaires!"

Dramatic music ...

Angron: "Meh ... REMATCH TIME!"

TO BE CONTINUED ...


	60. Chapter LX

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER SIXTY TWO*** = = = = = = = =

"What the hell? Who stuck 'honk if you're horny' on the back of my Dais? That's ******* genius!" - Asdrubael Vect

With the six Keys of Carl obtained, our heroes now pass through the dreaded Gates of Varl in search of the mythical Fish of Time; a being of power said to grant the gift of time-travel to those who ask. With the ability to travel back in time, our Primarchs seek to destroy the hated C'tan before their rise to power, and ensure the 41st millennium stays dark and gothic for future generations to come!

Having been captured by the Eldar and their cheating ways, our heroes must find a way to escape the Super-Craftworld they're held within - a task made no easier by the presence of the feared and legendary Super Solitaires!

Ferrus: "So what's so 'super' about them?"

Angron: "They're hardcore"

Konrad: "They're broken"

Angron: "It's said that Andy Chambers and Gav Thorpe once wrote rules for them, and Alan Merrett volunteered to playtest against them with his army. The resulting psychological trauma reduced Merrett to a vegetable. Only a brain transplant with a monkey saved him"

Ferrus: "Explains the epic quality of fail in the Visions books ..."

Angron: "Indeed. In the aftermath of that horrific incident, Andy Chambers was kicked out of GW and Gav Thorpe chained with daemonic wards that prevented him from writing anything to do with Eldar for a hundred years and a day"

Ferrus: "What happened to the Super-Solitaires?"

Angron: "Sealed within the depths of Jervis Johnson's basement, never to be released from their slumber lest the 40K universe be destroyed by cheese so powerful it would make an Obliterator and pie plate spamming Iron Warrior army seem positively balanced in comparison!"

Ferrus: "So they're broken?"

Angron: "A little ... yeah"

Ferrus: "How broken?"

Konrad: "Let me demonstrate ..."

He walks out the scene ...

And into this one ...

VOID DRAGON!: "GIVE UP TRACY! YOUR POWERS ARE TOO WEAK TO DEFEAT ME!"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "NEVER! I SHALL- oh hi Konrad, what are you doing here?"

Konrad: "Oh, just passing through. Have you two heard of Super-Solitaires by any chance?"

Both the EMPEROR OF MANKIND! and the VOID DRAGON! are stricken by EPIC FEAR!

VOID DRAGON!: "The horror!"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "The cheese!"

Konrad: "Cheers guys. I'll let you get on with your fight now!"

He exits the scene ...

Konrad: "See?"

Ferrus: "Hang on ... how did you do that?"

Konrad: "That's not important. What is important is getting to the communications room without bumping into any of those Super-Solitaires"

Ferrus: "But ..."

Angron: "Don't argue Ferrus, come on!"

Ferrus: "He just ... oh never mind! I've come to terms with the fact none of this makes any sense!"

Konrad: "You hang out on the Internet and you're complaining about a lack of sense?"

Ferrus: "Touche ..."

Angron: "So ... which way?"

Ferrus: "Whichever way leads away from those Super-Solitaires ..."

Konrad: "Now that's awkward, as they could be either way"

Angron: "Waiting in the shadows like ninja, instead of standing in the corridors for us to leap out from the shadows upon like ninja"

Konrad: "Never had you down as a ninja type of guy ... or samurai for that matter (do you, in fact, have a sense of honour?) ..."

Angron: "Ninja are awesome ... like me ... but they lack Shurithirsters"

Konrad & Ferrus: "Er ... what?"

Angron: "Shurithirsters"

Konrad & Ferrus: Blank stare.

Angron: Pulls out a Bloodthirster beatend into a flat disk with his horns and wings forming circular blades around the edge. "Shurithirsters"

Konrad: "How does that work?"

Ferrus: "How do you make it?"

Konrad: "More importantly; where did that come from?"

Angron: "All these questions ... all not important in the grand scheme of things"

Ferrus: "But-!"

Angron: "Not important Ferrus ..."

Konrad: "Fair enough. To the mission at hand folks - reach the Eldar commmunication array and contact Magnus and Russ! We need to warn them of our current situation and the betrayal of the Eldar!"

Ferrus: "And this will work?"

Konrad: "It probably won't. A plot twist will probably hit us halfway there forcing us to re-think our plan, then another twist will hit us and force us to re-think that plan ... then it turns out everything we've done was according to the Eldar's evil plans ..."

Ferrus: "Dude this is 40K not Metal Gear Solid. Black Library doesn't write such rediculously complicated stories"

Konrad: "In which case Chaos did it - because it always"

Alpharius: "No I'm pretty sure it didn't this time"

Angron: "Where in the Realms of Chaos did you come from?"

Alpharius: "I disguised myself as my Lieutenant before the Eldar borded and disgused her as myself. Luckily the Eldar were only interested in capturing us Primarchs and left everyone confined to their vessels. I snuck out by disguising myself as a Dire Avenger. I thought you guys might have found some way of escaping, but it was luck that I stumbled into Evesomon back there"

Evosomon: "Find! Find!"

Angron: "So that's not you in the cells back there, but O'Soryu?"

Alpharius: "Yeah ... I'm imagining she's pretty pissed by now ..."

Angron: "Excellent, when the time comes we have a secret weapon to combat the Super-Solitaires with"

Ferrus: "What's that?"

Angron: "PMT-fuelled pure rage"

TO BE CONTINUED ...


	61. Chapter LXI

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER SIXTY THREE*** = = = = = = = =

"I'm Alpharius! No I'm Alpharius! No I'm Alpharius!" - Alpharius battling multiple personality disorder

With the six Keys of Carl obtained, our heroes now pass through the dreaded Gates of Varl in search of the mythical Fish of Time; a being of power said to grant the gift of time-travel to those who ask. With the ability to travel back in time, our Primarchs seek to destroy the hated C'tan before their rise to power, and ensure the 41st millennium stays dark and gothic for future generations to come!

To continue where we left off ...

Angron: "So how do we know you're the real Alpharius?"

Alpharius: "You've been reading those fan conspiracy theories since last chapter haven't you?"

Angron: "I like to keep in touch with my supporters ..."

Alpharius: "Well, ask me something only Alpharius would know"

Angron: "Where's your homeworld?"

Alpharius: "Nice try. I'm not revealing background mysteries that easily"

Angron: "Worth a shot ..."

Ferrus: "It's Terra"

Alpharius: "How did you ... damn Internet spoils everything!"

Angron: "How does that work? Horus found him in some remote part of the galaxy?"

Alpharius: "I jumped there via Webway"

Angron: "I thought that didn't get built until later?"

Alpharius: "That's what we wanted you to think. Mainly we wanted Magnus to spoil it"

Angron: "Wait ... if this is going where I think it's going ... the Heresy was planned?"

Alpharius: "Do you honestly believe dad was stupid enough to let something as inevitable as a civil war start off without him knowing about it? Brother, we've all been pawns in his game. Well ... I might have been a higher piece sometimes ... occasionally a queen ... but playing pieces we all are"

Ferrus: "Man, those conspiracy theories were right! So what's the endgame?"

Alpharius: "I've no idea. Dad just said the Imperium was necessary for the good of mankind. They needed to see the light and fall from grace themselves. Not sure it he was trying to teach us something or just be a jerk"

Ferrus: "Knowing dad, probably a mixture of the two. But if the Eldar saw this ..."

Alpharius: "Then he could merely be a part of their plan? Yeah, I thought of that. Luckily I've had some help in the Chaos Eldar, who exist under a shadow of fan denial ..."

Angron: "There's Chaos Farseers?"

Alpharius: "Tzeentch worshippers, most of them ... they've been helping me plan ahead, of course I don't trust them an inch and made my own plans for when they inevitably screw me over ... but that's beside the point. Asurmen has played exactly as I knew he would. I've got friends aboard this Craftworld who can help us"

Angron: "So they're a part of your plan?"

Alpharius: "Indeed. Unfortunately they've probably seen this already and we're just doing what they want us to do"

Angron: "So we're a part of their plan, despite they being a part of our plan, while we've been a part of their plan all along"

Alpharius: "Pretty much yeah"

Ferrus: "I think Angron's head's going to explode ..."

Angron: "No kidding. So who's playing who?"

Alpharius: "We all are, with each other"

Angron: "Who has the upper hand in all this?"

Alpharius: "Tzeentch. Whatever happens is always according to her plans"

Angron: "The Heresy?"

Alpharius: "Just as planned"

Angron: "The Black Crusades?"

Alpharius: "Just as planned"

Ferrus: "The War in Heaven?"

Alpharius: "Just as planned ... somehow"

Ferrus: "Storm of Chaos?"

Alpharius: "Just as planned ... but the ending was pure Gav Thorpe"

Ferrus: "How do you defeat someone like that?"

Alpharius: "You don't, because it's all according to her plan"

Ferrus: "Do I detect a hint of admiration?"

Alpharius: "I can't possibly say - Magnus is the token Tzeentchian Legion. I'm the token 'sneaky' Legion"

Angron: "Damn sneaky! You should run up and hit people in the face like real men!"

Alpharius: "And be shot in the face like real men?"

Angron: "And take it in the face like real men!"

Silence ...

Angron: "I choose to rephrase that last sentence ..."

Ferrus: "I choose to pretend it never happened ..."

Alpharius: "I choose to stop talking about it and continue our mission!"

Ferrus: "So, as the one who has the most amount of knowledge about what happening, who's screwing who, who's double-crossing who, and what's for dinner tonight - where do we go?"

Alpharius: "I have a mole placed in the communications spire of the Craftworld. He'll help us contact Magnus and Russ, and hopefully we can order pizza while we're at it"

Angron: "Is this the time?"

Alpharius: "Yeah - I'm starving, and Eldar food sucks. Tau food is no better - mostly water and they ask you to fish out the small amounts of fish and leak with two sticks. How the hell are you supposed to use them?"

Angron: "Pluck people's eyes out?"

Alpharius: "Trust you to think of uses like that ..."

Evesomon: "Danger! Danger!"

Angron: "We've talked too long ... they've found us ..."

Dramatic music ... a figure appears before the Primarchs.

Alpharius: "You!"

Angron: "Who?"

Ferrus: Points. "HER!"

TO BE CONTINUED ...


	62. Chapter LXII

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER SIXTY FOUR*** = = = = = = = =

"Look! An undead Grot!" - Captain J Sparrow of the Raven Guard

With the six Keys of Carl obtained, our heroes now pass through the dreaded Gates of Varl in search of the mythical Fish of Time; a being of power said to grant the gift of time-travel to those who ask. With the ability to travel back in time, our Primarchs seek to destroy the hated C'tan before their rise to power, and ensure the 41st millennium stays dark and gothic for future generations to come!

We continue, once again, with where we left off ...

Konrad: "Lelith!"

Lelith: "Konrad, nice to see you alive again. Where's my fool of a husband?"

Angron: "Husband? Oh you mean Lorgar?"

Lelith: "Of course I meant Lorgar you idiot! Where is he? He said he'll be home for dinner - well it's gone cold! Tell me where he is so I can kill the bastard!"

Ferrus: "In a holding cell back there" He jerks a thumb over a shoulder.

Lelith: "He's in prison? Oh he's dead!"

Alpharius: "An Eldar prison Lelith ..."

Lelith: "... Oh well that's Ok then. Don't expect him to break out of something that well built ... so how's you guys?"

Ferrus: "Scared by that sudden mood swing ..."

Lelith: "I'm female, I'm an Eldar, I've had a long day, the kids are playing up, I've had to the housework again, and it's the wrong time of the month for all this, so excuse me if I seem a little tempermental"

Angron: "Oh excused, so very excused ..."

Ferrus: "So what brings you into the bowels of a Super Craftworld swarming with Super Solitaires and probably other super things?"

Lelith: "Finding out where my good-for-nothing husband has got too ..."

Angron: "And suddenly the reason why Lorgar spent so much of his time at the pub with us becomes all too clear ..."

Lelith: Gives him the LOOK

Angron: "Of course that was my poor attempt at humour ... not an observation ... I swear"

Lelith: "Good ... what was that about Super Solitaires?"

Ferrus: "This place is swarming with them?"

Konrad: "We've been avoiding them since the holding cells ..."

Lelith: "You pansies. They're nothing special"

Konrad: "But the Emperor and the Void Dragon are terrified of them!"

Lelith: "Well they would be they're men"

Angron: "What's that supposed to mean?"

Lelith: "Know who really designed them? It was an angry female fan who gave Andy Chambers her custom-designed rules for them one Games Day. It took Chambers and Thorpe one playtest and Alan Merrett's sanity to realise the rules oozed with the deadly combination of Nerd Rageand PMS"

Ferrus: "That's unholy!"

Lelith: "Indeed. Perhaps the most powerfully destructive force in the universe. Stuck inside an Eldar soul"

Angron: "What hope do we have ... we're doomed!"

Lelith: "Perhaps ... there is one way ... Ferrus knows ... but he is too afraid to invoke it"

Ferrus: "Can we not go there? That way lies long cats and forests of memes!"

Lelith: "It must be done! Else you'll be defeated by these Super Solitaires and the galaxy will be reduced to ruin!"

Ferrus: Sighs. "Very well ... let it be so ... I invoke the politically correct powers of the Internetz and ask the Gods of Bandwidth to bless us the gift of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!"

Angron: "Does this mean it's OK to beat up women now?"

Ferrus: "Dude, it's not only OK it's encouraged for the lulz"

Konrad: "I'm scared by the places you lurk at, Ferrus"

Ferrus: "I am immune to your opinions, for I insert my own, vastly superior ones in their place"

Konrad: "Whatever, so now what?"

Ferrus: "We go beat up some girls"

Konrad: "The way you say that makes it sound like you're eager for this"

Ferrus: "I have suppressed issues regarding women. Can we go now - I could do with the physical therapy"

Konrad: "OK man; really starting to scare me now, and this is me we're talking about. 'Night Haunter', 'scary dude', and you're freaking me out!"

Ferrus: "Good, now you know how the rest of us feel about you all the time. Waifu-beating team - move out!"

Konrad: "This all frightens and confuses me ..."

Angron: "Hey - we get to smash things!"

Alpharius: "If anyone needs me I'll be cunningly disguised as a bulkhead"

Lelith: "Right, now to see to my husband ..."

Our heroes move out, intent on causing lots of harm to everyone ...

Meanwhile, onboard the flagship of the Alpha Empire - the Up Yours Rob! ...

O'Soryu: "So it's decided?"

Thrall: "Indeed. Our masters are in peril!"

Kerrigan: "My boyfriend's in trouble, and there's Protoss-wannabies to smack around"

Ev'rii: "I'm pretty certain that the Protoss are Eldar-wannabies"

Kerrigan: "You want to argue big-horns?"

Ev'rii: "These horns do not make me look fat! You lie!"

Cypher: "Now, now ladies. Calm down. We have a rescue operation to put into motion ..."

O'Soryu: "Thank you Cypher. Are we all agreed on the details?"

All: "Yes"

O'Soryu: "Very well, I now declare operation 'Save Our Stupid Heroes' a go!"

Tzeentch: "Isn't it nice when things go as planned?"

Vaul: "You're pinning all our hopes on twenty useless genetically engineered Humans ... of all things"

Khorne: "Relax, they know what they're doing ... I think"

Asuryan: "You better be right Khorne, we have a lot riding on this. All the pieces are in place, we just need those twenty damned inviduals to do what they're supposed to do"

Nurgle: "What's this 'twenty'? I count only eighteen"

Asuryan: "Just wait. The Children of Tracy will soon unite, and the galaxy shall tremble before their might!"

Slaanesh: "That rhymes ... so pretty ..."

Asuryan: "Oh quiet you"

TO BE CONTINUED ...


	63. Chapter LXIII

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER SIXTY FIVE*** = = = = = = = =

"Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No it's Tacgnol!" - Ferrus

"I swear Ferrus if you mention anything 4chan-related after last chapter ..." - Konrad

With the six Keys of Carl obtained, our heroes now pass through the dreaded Gates of Varl in search of the mythical Fish of Time; a being of power said to grant the gift of time-travel to those who ask. With the ability to travel back in time, our Primarchs seek to destroy the hated C'tan before their rise to power, and ensure the 41st millennium stays dark and gothic for future generations to come!

The events leading up to today's chapter are long and manyfold ... too long for a mere chapter to cover ... too long, even, for a BL 'novel-lite', too long in fact for Frank Herbert himself to cover! No ... we must make do with supplying mere extracts from the events leading up to this moment:

Ferrus: "Asurmen! Free my fellow Anonymous!"

Konrad: "I am not Anonymous!"

Asurmen: "NEVER!"

Horus: "My face itches ..."

O'Soryu: "Mission accomplished!"

Lelith: "Dear, do my boobs look big in this holo-suit?"

Thrall: "Master!"

Horus: "Thrall, I swear if you don't get off my leg this instance!"

Magnus: "A CHALLENGER APPEARS!"

Russ: "WITH A STICK!"

Konrad: "I choose you Eversomon!"

Angron: "If you guys need me to tidy up, I'll be in the Goto-inspired 'Slaaneshii Cultist Anonymous' room enjoying hot sex with Kerrigan"

Konrad: "I am not, and never will be Anonymous!"

Cypher: "Who the hell are you?"

Lion: "FLOWER SELLERS MUST DIE!"

Asurmen: "You ... have ... defeated me ... Primarchs ..."

Horus: "WHO RULES?"

Lorgar: "Sorry guys, wife insists on tagging along"

Dorn: "Can that be ... ?"

Horus: He whispers. "The Fish of Time!"

And so, with the basic covered and our readers no doubt utterly confused, we return to our heroes' present position before the great and powerful FISH OF TIME!

Horus: "It's a trout ..."

Dorn: Whispering. "No need to be rude Horus ... it probably has insecurity issues"

Lorgar: "Still ... you expect it to be somewhat more ... impressive"

FISH OF TIME!: "Thank you. I've been waiting for sixty-odd chapters and all I get is insults. Well if you don't want my powers you can bloody well bugger off ... Spongebobis on in a moment and I don't want to miss this episode (it's the one where Spongebob dies a horrible, horrible death)"

Horus: "Tough. We've travelled across the galaxy. Fought monsters great and small, ugly and horrifically cute, powerful and thankfully weak. We've captured an Eldar Super-Craftworld with nothing but sheer cunning and a toothpick!"

Ferrus: "And my porn collection"

Horus: "I was leaving that part out ... but no matter. You understand Fish, that we have travelled far to be in your presence ... we cannot turn back now"

FISH OF TIME!: "Not even for Spongebob?"

Horus: "Not even for Spongebob"

FISH OF TIME!: It sighs. "Very well ... what is it I can help you with?"

Dorn: "We seek a way to travel back in time and defeat the powers of the C'tan!"

FISH OF TIME!: "And you come to me ... a God of Time ... how very convenient for you ... so be it"

Horus: "What ... that's it?"

FISH OF TIME!: "What were you expecting?"

Horus: "I don't know ... some sort of test? A challenge? A series of horrible and evil tasks to perform in order to prove our worth? Something more than this?"

FISH OF TIME!:"Well if you insist ... you can have my power but the task of using it is yours to figure out"

Dorn: "Oh nice one Horus. He was going to give us it all on a plate. Now we have to figure it out without an instruction booklet"

FISH OF TIME!: "Oh you can have one of those ..."

Horus: "See? Not so bad!"

FISH OF TIME!: "But it's written in Ancient Fishman Script"

Horus: "We're screwed"

Dorn: "Nice one ... still ... we've got Magnus back"

Magnus: "Don't look at me. I've no idea about Ancient Fishman Script!"

Russ: "I thought you were supposed to be the know-it-all of this group"

Magnus: "Yeah ... but I don't know it all. That's just impossible. There's got to be stuff I don't know about otherwise this story has no suspense"

Corax: "So you limit yourself for the sake of the narrative?"

Magnus: "Pretty much, yeah"

Horus: "FISH! Tell us what we need to know!"

FISH OF TIME!: "No. Bugger off"

With that said, the FISH OF TIME vanishes from sight and the Primarchs are left floating in the ether ...

Horus: "Damn ... can anyone remember where we parked the fleet?"

Dorn: "Can anyone remember how we got here?"

Perturabo: "No ... the narrator skipped that part ..."

Oops ... my bad.

Mortarion: "We need to get back ... Ev'rii would have gone for more than ten minutes without a sexual release"

Dorn: "Can't have her going cold turkey can we?"

Mortarion: "Not really. I just don't want her to vent her frustrations through slash fan fiction ... involving me ... and one of you guys ..."

There is silence. Lots of it.

Horus: "Gods-damn slash fangirls ..."

Dorn: "My mind is scarred ..."

Perturabo: "So is mine ..."

Ferrus: "My mind wonders which position is being adopted, and what other sources are involved ..."

Konrad: "Ferrus ... I've warned you again and again"

Ferrus: "Crossed the line?"

Konrad: "Not so much 'crossed it' ..."

Lion: "More like driven over it in a souped-up Rhino"

Sanguinius: "From my chapter"

Vulkan: "And you're not stopping"

Ferrus: "I get it. Ferrus shut up ..."

Konrad: "Thank the Gods"

Horus: "Quiet! I need to concentrate. We have the power ... now if we can figure out how to use it ..."

Dorn: "Agreed - everyone think of the time we need to be in!"

All: "Yes!"

There is much concentration. The Primarchs channel the immense energies of the FISH OF TIME! A blinding flash illuminates this vast dimension our heroes apparently seem to be in! Suddenly, they stand within the Imperial Palace on Terra!

Mortarion: "My knowledge of history may be a little dim ... but was the Imperial Palace around sixty-odd million years ago?"

Horus: "No it wasn't ... damn it Ferrus we screwed up!"

Ferrus: "What did I do?"

Horus: "I don't know - I'm blaiming you!"

Lorgar: "What did everyone think of?"

Magnus: "I tried to think of the right time, but my mind kept slipping back to returning to Falal and T"

Angron: "I kept thinking about Sarah ..."

Ferrus: "I thought of a beer"

Lorgar: "Oh damn ... I thought of all the DIY projects Lelith has planned for me to do around the house"

Dorn: "Dammit! We've only gone and thought about the future!"

Sanguinius: "So where are we?"

Fulgrim: "Maybe she knows ..." He points at a girl in various shades of red and pink walking past carrying a basket of flowers.

Lion: "ARGH! FLOWER SELLER!"

Only the timely interception by Russ prevents the unfortunate death of the girl by sharp pointy swords.

Ferrus: "Guys ... come look at this ..." He points out one of the many windows of the Palace. Through which the Primarchs view a city filled with bright flags, happy, cheering citizens ... and dozens of cute Moogles!

Horus: "By the Gods ... this is the future?"

Lorgar: Picks up a vase and looks at the writting underneath. "Copyright Games Workshop, a subsidiary company of Square-Enix. Oh dear ..."

Dorn: "We've been Japanified ..."

TO BE CONTINUED ...


	64. Chapter LXIV

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER SIXTY SIX*** = = = = = = = =

"Behold the edge of the blade. Like your soul, it is sharp. Like your soul, it cuts its path through history. Like your soul, it's f***ing badass" - Wolf Priest Ulrik to new recruits

With the six Keys of Carl obtained, our heroes now pass through the dreaded Gates of Varl in search of the mythical Fish of Time; a being of power said to grant the gift of time-travel to those who ask. With the ability to travel back in time, our Primarchs seek to destroy the hated C'tan before their rise to power, and ensure the 41st millennium stays dark and gothic for future generations to come!

Mortarion: "Right ... lets take stock of our current situation ... thanks to our collective inability to think of the same thing we've brought ourselves in a horrific future nightmare ... what is it Lorgar?"

Lorgar: Puts down the hand he had just raised. "Isn't the tagline of the game 'In the nightmare future of the 41st millennium ...'"

Horus: "I thought it was 'In the grim darkness of the far future'?"

Vulkan: "Could have fooled me; I swore the tagline was 'Give us your money and enjoy your game with that obnoxious 8-year-old and his badly painted Space Smurfs' ..."

Mortarion: Waves his hands around in frustration. "Whatever! Point being we're in a Square-Enix owned 40K franchise! There's kawaii everywhere! And dammit I'm starting to drop random Japanese words in my sentences"

Ferrus: "Weeaboo"

Mortarion: "Konrad?"

There is a horrifying 'snap' from Konrad's direction.

Ferrus: "Did you ... did you just break a RAM stick?"

Konrad: "Yes I did"

Ferrus: "All those gigs! Wasted! THE HORROR! IS THERE NO JUSTICE IN THIS WORLD!" Collapses to his knees and cries.

Mortarion: "That was damn effective ..."

Konrad: "I have more in my pocket Ferrus. For every *chan-reference you make another RAM bites it"

Mortarion: "Getting back on track-"

Lorgar: "Your rant"

Mortarion: "-on track, it appears that our most immediate course of action is apparent. Armed with the knowledge of our horrific future, we must travel back to our time and set things right"

Horus: "And the C'tan?"

Mortarion: "Oh yeah ... we'll travel back to their time and kill them first, then travel forward to our time and attempt to stop this time from happening"

Vulkan: "Does anyone else get the feeling this could end up bloody complex?"

Horus: "You're telling me - I already lost what Mort was trying to say!"

Mortarion: "It's just a damn time paradox! We're not talking rocket science here!"

Dorn: "When our troops effectively use miniature rocket launchers as their basic firearms, I'd like to think we are all bloody rocket scientists!"

Ferrus: "Can I ask a question?"

All: "No!"

Fulgrim: "Who's the girl?" He gestures at the terrified woman held up above Lion's reach by Magnus (the fact a gargantuan creature is holding her anyway is also freaking her out).

Sanguinius: "Good question. Allow me to talk to her, I have more skills in this area"

Perturabo: "What are you suggesting girly-man?"

Sanguinius: "That some of us aren't virgins?"

Perturabo: "..."

Sanguinius: "Thank you. Now ..." He approaches the girl. "It's all right, my dear. El'jonson is quite retarded and has this knee-jerk reaction to flowers, of which is is quite terrified"

Girl: "El'jonson? Oh phew ... for a moment I thought it was another bloody entry in the Complication"

Lion: "Is she saying I look like Sephiroth?"

Fulgrim: "You do"

Lion: "He copied my look! Bloody poser! I had the 'effeminate straight dude' look before he did!"

Fulgrim: "That's something to be proud of?"

Lion: "You can talk ... I need a double-take to remind myself you're not a flat-chested yuan-tii bitch"

Fulgrim: "Then I would suggest therapy dear ..."

Sanguinius: "Ignore those two my dear, now ... tell me your name"

Girl: "Aerith Gainsborough"

Magnus: "I thought it was 'Aeris'?"

Aerith: "It's actually more like 'Earisu' ... but everyone just calls me DFG"

Magnus: "DFG?"

Aerith: "'Dead Flower Girl'. Everyone just knows me as 'That girl who died'"

Mortarion: "Shouldn't we wrap spoilers around this conversation?"

Ferrus: "Dude ... Aeris Dies. Everyone knows that. It's like saying you didn't know Rosebud was the sleigh ... or that Vader was Luke's father ..."

Fulgrim: "Vader was Luke's father?"

Vulkan: "And Leia was his sister"

Fulgrim: "Wait ... so that means he made out with his sister in Splinter of the Mind's Eye! The Expanded Universe is sick!"

Vulkan: "Maybe we should put him in touch with Malekith ... that guy knows a thing or two about incest ..."

Horus: "So ... DFG ... where are we?"

Aerith: Frowns. "Oh you're gonna be fun ... we're in the Imperial Palace on New Japan"

Magnus: "New Japan?"

Aerith: "That's the name of the planet. We're currently in Tokyo"

Vulkan: "Major city?"

Aerith: "Only city ... except those twats from Osaka ..."

Ferrus: "Tokyo is the centre of the universe. It's the Japanese equivalent to New York - the world, his wife, and their pet fifty-foot high monster love to smash the place up"

Vulkan: "Which reminds me ... wasn't the Cloverfield monster an exact match of Magnus?"

Horus: "He had two eyes ... at least ... bit hard to tell with all that crappy camerawork ..."

Fulgrim: "It was supposed to be crap ..."

Horus: "Well it didn't help me feel scared when I couldn't see a bloody thing!"

Ferrus: "Magnus, were you the Cloverfield monster?"

Magnus: "I needed the cash ... they didn't let me use my Deadly Eye Lasers"

Horus: "Now that would have made an awesome movie!"

Aerith: "GUARDS!"

Fulgrim: "Christ on a pogo stick - we forgot about her!"

Several armed guards appear, spot the gathering of Primarchs, and begin running towards them.

Vulkan: "How hard do you think they are?"

Horus: Cracks his knuckles. "Only one way to find out ..."

Sanguinius: "It's so awesome when it's not me you're beating the crap out of"

Horus: "Likewise. You know - if you hadn't slapped me around beforehand ... I could have taken the old man on and pwned his ass"

Dorn: "Don't talk - show it"

Horus: "I intend to"

Aerith: Turns to Magnus. "So what were those little things that dropped off you?"

Magnus: "Horrors ... what?"

Aerith: "You should shower more often ... that's all I'm saying"

Cue lots of violence ...

TO BE CONTINUED ...


	65. Chapter LXV

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER SIXTY SEVEN*** = = = = = = = =

"Time to settle down to a good porn flick ... wait ... is that mum?" - Malekith, after viewing 'Sorceresses Gone Wild'

Having obtained the power of the Fish of Time our heroes quickly prove their incompetance by travelling to a nightmare future ... of a nightmare future ... where Square-Enix rules and our beloved gothic war-torn galaxy is plagued by cute and kawaii (and yes I know that's the same thing in two languages).

Horus holds a thoroughly beaten palace guard with one hand while the other defeated guardsmen are tied up (with an iron girder, by Perturabo).

Horus: "Tell me the location of the hidden rebel base!"

Guard: "What?"

Horus: "Sorry, just always wanted to say that ... ahem ... who the hell are you and what are you doing in my Palace!"

Guard: "What? This Palace belongs to His Bishie Awesomeness Lord Sephiroth the Great And Sexy"

Horus: "..."

Lorgar: "There really isn't much you can reply to that ..."

Dorn: "Other than laugh?"

Horus: "Or cry? Damn long-haired bastards got my throne! And his title sucks major grox balls!"

Lorgar: "Well there is one way to fix this"

Horus: "Kill him, his friends, his family, and anyone who knows of him, recorded about him, or merely heard of him?"

Lorgar: "Excellent suggestion"

Angron: "If it has mass genocide somewhere - count me in!"

Aerith: "That's horrible!"

Dorn: "That's kinda the point dear ... they're Chaos Primarchs"

Lorgar: "What have I told you before? Chaos does not equal evil! Just because we're all generally a bunch of mass-murdering freaks doesn't mean everyone under the banner is"

Horus: "But everyone under the banner is; it's on the job description for the LatD"

Sanguinius: "I thought they were on our side?"

Lorgar: "No that's the Legion of the Damned, not Lost and the Damned"

Dorn: "What's with all the Damned anyway?"

Vulkan: "It's a dark future ... lots of Damnation going on"

Russ: "Especially by the bloody Inquisition! I get twenty letters a day warning me about future Exterminatus unless we curb mutation and conform to the Codex!"

General laughter.

Dorn: "What a load of crap. You know I use my copy as a beer mat?"

Russ: "Same here!"

Corax: "I think I've got mine propping up my writing desk ..."

Vulkan: "I throw it at people - it's large enough to cause severe internal bleeding"

Dorn: "Man, we're Primarchs. Anything we throw is gonna cause severe damage"

Horus: "Even Moogles?"

Dorn: "Yeah, why?"

Horus: "There's a load of them running towards us screaming"

Several seconds later.

Lorgar: "How did you do that?"

Angron: "Do what?"

Lorgar: "That!"

Vulkan: "You threw a Moogle through a Moogle. That's kinda impressive"

Angron: "Not really - it got stuck halfway"

They look down at the little creature as it hobbles around with another one sticking through it's chest.

Lorgar: "It's kinda cute really ..."

Vulkan: "Like a deformed siamese twin ... how is it breathing?"

Lorgar: "Anyone know Moogle anatomy?"

Aerith: "You guys are monsters!"

Magnus: "I resent that term - we currently prefer 'Individuals of Daemonically Gifted Stature'"

Horus: "Bloody PC ..."

Perturabo: "You're just annoyed that you don't have Daemon Princehood"

Horus: "Hell yeah! Where's my MC-status?"

Magnus: "The term 'Monstrous Creature' is also unfavourable. We prefer 'Creatures of Considerable Stature'"

Horus: "Magnus?"

Magnus: "Yes?"

Horus: "Shut it. Or I'll get Russ to blow up something else of yours you like"

Russ: "Not likely laddie. Magnus and me are regular drinking buddies now"

Magnus: "Wait ... since when did Horus order Prospero to be reduced to a diamond-crusted wasteland?"

Horus: "Apparently it's always been that way ..."

Russ: "Took me by surprise too. Always thought the old man was just a total bastard (as always) ..."

Magnus: "You could have said no"

Russ: "You try telling our father he's wrong. Know what happened to the last dude that did?"

Flashback - Imperial Palace 10,000 years ago ...

Random Official: "Sir, our budget currently cannot support Crusade. We need to retire some Expeditionary Forces to conserve costs"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Don't be silly! I've looked at the figures - we can support it!"

Random Official: "No sir, those figures clearly show we're several trillion in debt"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Are you saying I'm wrong?"

Random Official: "Numbers don't lie sir"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "I AM NEVER WRONG! SCREW THE NUMBERS! REJECTED! REJECTED! MASS REJECTION!"

EPIC destruction.

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!:"Oh **** ... I'm going to have to rebuild the palace again ..."

Malcador: "And hire another couple-billion support staff ..."

Flashback end ...

Magnus: "Good point ..."

Horus: "We are talking about the dude who bludgeoned me to death with his EGO!"

Aerith: "Monsters ..."

Horus: "Still here love? Do us a favour and lead us to this Sephiroth dude. I've got something I want to talk to him about"

Dorn: "His retirement?"

Horus: "Damn straight ..."

TO BE CONTINUED ...


	66. Chapter LXVI

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER SIXTY EIGHT*** = = = = = = = =

"A Grey Knight will turn to Chaos when GW lowers their prices!" - Anon

Having obtained the power of the Fish of Time our heroes quickly prove their incompetance by travelling to a nightmare future ... of a nightmare future ... where Square-Enix rules and our beloved gothic war-torn galaxy is plagued by cute and kawaii (and yes I know that's the same thing in two languages) ...

Having 'convinced' the Guard to escort them to the self-proclaimed 'His Bishie Awesomeness Lord Sephiroth the Great And Sexy' for an EPIC showdown between the greatest badass that ever graced our imaginations, and some poncy **** who thought he could destroy a world by throwing a large rock at it.

Lion: "Wait ... did the narrator just compliment me?"

Ferrus: "I'd take it while I could, if I were you"

Lion: "Personally I'm glad you're not me. I prefer to browse the Internet without knowing what lurks under its clean exterior ..."

Ferrus: "Longcat is sad at the vast amounts of Fail you radiate"

Lion: "Oh go lurk the feth more ... are we there yet DFG?"

Aerith: "Go **** yourself!"

Lorgar: "Do we get bonus points for making one of the most adored Final Fantasy characters swear like a trooper?"

Horus: "Oh definitely worth 1,000XP alone ..."

Aerith: "We're almost there ..." She mutters stuff I certainly can't print in this forum under her breadth.

Horus: "What was that about my mother?"

Lorgar: "Horus, you don't have a mother. You're an artificially created being"

Dorn: "That explains a lot. Horus - you weren't hugged enough as a child were you?"

Horus: "Do you think father was the hugging type? If I had joined the baseball team as a kid do you think he would have taken time off from the Crusade to watch and cheer me on?"

Dorn: "Good point ..."

Magnus: "Dad never really understood us ..."

Lion: "He still doesn't ... what's the point of creating nineteen sons and not bothering to at least take us to a game?"

Dorn: "All my life, I've only known how to wage war ..."

Perturabo: "And break my castles"

Dorn: "Sorry man"

Aerith: "Aww ... guess you guys still have your Freudian problems as well ..."

Horus: "I hope for your sake you're not comparing us to any spiky-haired Emo Failures with overly-large swords to compensate for their lack of masculinity ..."

Aerith: "Oh heaven's no ... we locked Cloud up in a basement years ago after we all got fed up with his constant angst"

Horus: "My opinion of you is changing, my dear ..."

Aerith: Stops and points. "The Royal Chamber of FABULOUS"

Fulgrim: "Oh! A man after my own heart!"

Horus: "I feel sick ..."

Dorn: Grinning. "Horus ... you're not homophobic by any chance are you?"

Horus: "What? No I love gays - ah I mean ... a ..."

Vulkan: "Man, the way you walked into that one was pitiful. Lead the way Aerith"

She opens the doors and they step through into the HUGE CHAMBER.

Aerith: "LORD SEPHIROTH! I BRING YOU GUESTS!"

Sephiroth: "WHAT? SPEAK UP! I CAN'T HEAR YOU ALL THE WAY OVER HERE!"

Aerith: "Oh for the love of ... come on guys ..."

They walk a mile forwards.

Aerith: "CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?"

Sephiroth: "GET HERE SOMEHOW, WAS THAT? ARE YOU ORDERING ME BITCH?"

They walk forward another mile.

Horus: "Who made this chamber so stupidly large?"

Aerith: Out of breath. "GW ..."

Horus: "SEPHIROTH!"

Ominous Latin Chanting:

Estuans interius

ira vehementi Estuans interius ira vehementi Sephiroth!

Sephiroth!

Sephiroth: "Who the hell are you guys?"

Ominous Latin Chanting:

Estuans interius

ira vehementi Estuans interius ira vehementi

El'jonson!

El'jonson!

Lion: "We are the PRIMARCHS!"

Sephiroth: "Wait ... did you just steal my latin chanting!"

Ominous Latin Chanting:

Sephiroth!

Sephiroth!

Lion: "What? That was mine to being with! You stole it from me!"

Ominous Latin Chanting:

El'jonson!

El'jonson!

Sephiroth: "I invented the whole white-haired bishie badass! You can't take that away from me!"

Lion: "I'm sorry, did you call yourself a 'badass'? Correct me if I'm wrong but what badass relies on his mother to do all his work?"

Sephiroth: "You leave mummy out of this!"

Lion: "JENOVA was the real badass if FF7, and you're nothing but a washed-up has-been!"

Sephiroth: "The Complimentation series preaches my AWESOMENESS!"

Lion: "The Complication series was written a character designer and blatant fanboy-"

Horus: "At least it wasn't the Head of IP ..."

Sephiroth: "I will not tolerate such insolence in my court! You will bow down before me and acknowledge I am the greatest Final Fantasy bad guy or you shall ... BE KNOCKED DOWN!"

Magnus: "Firstly, that's a Garland quote, which you have no right stealing from such an awesome dude. Secondly, Kefka is the greatest FF bad guy"

Lion: "Thanks Magnus. Allow me to correct this fool in the error of his ways"

Sephiroth: Brings out Masamune and points it at Lion. Such is the sword's stupid length it almost destroys half the room in the process. "In what possible franchise mix could you ever defeat me?"

Lion: "The way I see it, if some Disney characters could kick your ass in Kingdom Hearts, this shoud be easy"

Sephiroth: "NEVER MENTION KINGDOM HEARTS IN MY COURT! NEVER MENTION DISNEY OR THAT INSUFFERABLE MOUSE IN MY PRESENCE!"

Horus: "Did he just insult Mickey?"

Lion: Draws the LION SWORD! "Oh he dies!"

TO BE CONTINUED ...


	67. Chapter LXVII

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER SIXTY NINE*** = = = = = = = =

"Woot! Box cars! Box cars! Fear my 'six' rolling powers! Wait, what am I rolling? A Psychic Test? Oh ..." - Magnus 'Boxcar' Red

Having wasted several chapters of their lives obtaining the six Keys of Carl to open the legendary Gates of Varl, our (sometimes) heroes have achieved the goal given to them by the God-Emperor himself - gain the power of the Fish of Time! Now capable of traversing the roads of time itself, the Primarchs aim to travel back in time and destroy the C'tan before their rise to power!

Before that, however, a small diversion occupies their attention. A diversion in the form of a nightmare future occupied by Japanese cute and bright colours, ruled by the Emperor of Fangirls - Sephiroth!

Dramatic music beings ...

Sephiroth: "What hope do you have Primarch against my skills? I who have grinded my way to level 99, obtained all the Materia, accumulated enough potions to heal a galaxy of ills, and have the blessings of Square-Enix at my side?"

Lion: Turns on the powerfield to the Lion Sword. It makes a pleasing humming sound, like the drone of an airplane before it unleashes a nuclear bomb. "Because I have the power of fanboyism - the unrelenting belief that I cannot fail born from a billion young children playing with toy soliders"

Magnus: Whispering. "I didn't know GW had that large an audience?"

Lorgar: Whispering back. "Ever read any shonen comic? The bad guys always spend half the battle talking exaggerated crap. The Lion's just getting into the spirit of things"

Sephiroth: "That may be, but with this sword I have claimed the lives of countless millions! It drips the blood of civilisations!"

Lion: "Mere civilisations? My sword has claimed the existence of uni-"

Horus: "Oh for crying out loud get on with it!"

Dramatic music stops.

Sephiroth: "But I've spent ages rehearsing this!"

Horus: "Don't care! Fight! Now!"

Lion: "I apologise for my brother, he has no tact" Adopts awesome stance.

Sephiroth: "Indeed. I shall slay him after you"

Horus: "Fat chance ..."

'One Winged Angel' strikes up.

Sephiroth: "Ah! My theme! The boss battle commences!"

Lion: "Yeah screw that ..."

Jukebox - Select track - One Winged Angel

Jukebox - Select track - FFX Battle Theme

Ferrus: "God no. Keep going"

Jukebox - Select track - Maybe I'm A Lion (FFVIII)

Magnus: "Awesome track. Kinda ruined by the fact it's Emo Boy's theme ..."

Jukebox - Select track - FFVI Battle Theme (Black Mages Version)

Vulkan: "I like ..."

Lion: "Lets keep it in the game in question ..."

Jukebox - Select track - FFVII Boss Theme

Sephiroth: "Have you guys quite finished ****ing around with the soundtrack?"

Lion: "Shh ... a moment to reflect in the genius of Nobuo Uematsu if you please"

Sephiroth launches from his throne upon Lion, who blocks with his sword causing Sephiroth to hang there in mid-air in dramatic fashion as vast amounts of energy blasts outwards from the impact of swords.

Sephiroth: "Screw Uematsu!"

Lion: "Oh ... that was definitely the wrong thing to say ..." Swings his sword hurling Sephiroth backwards. He follows up with a forward lunge, which Sephiroth barely misses.

Sephiroth: "Your level is low and your Attack isn't enough to beat my Evasion!"

Lion: "That may be, but I have an ace up my sleeve" He allows his defence to slip.

Sephiroth takes advantage of it and strikes Lion several times. Much damage is taken, and Lion is hurled backwards.

Horus: "Damn man! Have your skills fallen that much?"

Magnus: "Relax Horus, Lion wanted Sephiroth to hit him"

Sephiroth: "What?"

Lion: "He speaks the truth. I needed to build my Limit Break up. Now ... shall we start anew? LION'S CHARGE!"

Vast energies spiral around the Lion, and we enter a mini-cutscene as the Limit Break activates. Everyone else stands motionless as the Lion charges forwards, gaining vast amounts of power with every mile he traverses ... wait mile? They weren't that far apart! Yet Lion keeps charging ... and charging ... and charging ...

Horus: "Bloody laws of anime!"

Indeed. Eventually the Lion connects with Sephiroth and HUGE DAMAGE is dealt.

Sephiroth: "ARGH! STATUS AFFLICTIONS! BLIND! POISON! EVASION DOWN!"

Lion: "I believe I can now hit you with a reasonable chance of success" Which he does, several times.

Sephiroth: "This cannot be? How can I lose to such a insignificant being?"

Lion: "I'd like to say something about my skill being awesome, but as that's fact I'd have to say you just suck. Sorry but it's true"

Sephiroth: "Never! I shall never be defeated! ONE-WINGED ANGEL TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE!"

It is a bright and flashy sequence, with much CGI showing off and particle effects being used.

Magnus: "Square-Enix throwing away their budget again ..."

Eventually a transformed Sephiroth stands before the Primarchs. Huge and daemonic, with a single wing sticking out of his right shoulder.

Sephiroth: "Time to die Primarchs!"

Magnus: "Boss fight, stage two"

Lion: "I guess new tactics might be needed for this one?"

Vulkan: "Need a hand Lion?"

Lion: Grips his sword tighter. "Thank you for the offer Vulkan, but I'm quite sure I can handle this one by myself. I have to. It's a matter of honour"

Vulkan: Nods in understanding. "Very well ... if you need us we'll be over there enjoying some popcorn and tasty snacks"

Lion: "Save some for me; I'm going to be hungry when this is finished. Now ... erm ... 'Safer Sephiroth'? What kind of name is that?"

Not-so-Safe Sephiroth: "Shut it bitch"

Lion: "How vulgar. I'm going to have to rip that tongue from your mouth now, won't I?"

Not-so-Safe Sephiroth: "You can try"

Lion: "As a certain green Watcher in the Dark once said: 'Do or do not; there is no try'" He lunges forwards. "I intend to do!"

TO BE CONTINUED ...


	68. Chapter LXVIII

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER SEVENTY*** = = = = = = = =

Hello and welcome to another issue of White Dw- ... what? Primarchs? What the hell is this? I was told to do another crap intro that the WD team could stick in place of the old editor's comments section 'cause their current editor still doesn't want to associate himself with WD readers, and now you're telling me I'm introducing some crap fan parody because its author can't be arsed to think up a new quote? Do you know who I am? I'm the bloody White Dwarf bitch! I'm the genuine article! The real McCoy! The be all and end all! I don't do no 'guest star intro' crap! Get someone else! - Grombrindal

Hello and welcome to another exciting chapter of PRIMARCHS! I'm Asdrubael Vect; author of the best-selling 'The Game: How to Get Women Consensually Or Otherwise', and 99.9% of all hentai currently on the market. I'm here to introduce a very special episode of PRIMARCHS ... you see we've had so much fun ... so many chapters ... and yet there comes a time when the laughter must stop. When the jokes must cease, and the parody replaced by serious reflection. Today is such a chapter.

Today we mourn the loss of the sanctity of Warhammer Backstory ...

Sigmar: "I'm terrified, you know. What if I'm suddenly revealed to have a lisp? Or like wearing women's underwear? You know? It kinda destroys the myth about me ..."

Horus: "I feel sorry for Sigmar ... I mean I didn't realise until I read Horus Rising that I was essentially 99.9% pure ego wrapped in an over-sized Human body ... and my size kept changing! One moment I'm slightly higher than a Space Marine, next moment I can look them in the eye when I kneel! Who the hell keeps tabs on these things?"

Russ: "It's when you discover those orders to destroy and entire world didn't come from the Emperor himself, which made mass genocide OK, but from your brother ... now you just feel like a complete tit ..."

Magnus: "Where the hell did this Webway thing come from? And I apparently destroyed it? With a simple Message spell? It's bloody 1st-level! Suddenly it's epic and I'm destroying warp-spawned subway tunnels with it!"

Horus: "So yeah ... we kinda feel for Sigmar ... and the others over in our sister universe-"

Malekith: "Although heaven help anyone these days who suggests we're joined with 40K ... it's kinda 'discouraged' ..."

Sigmar: "They take you away and you never see your family again ... apparently to Jervis' basement ..." He shudders.

Horus: "I'm waiting to see what 'new and exciting' stuff they think up ... Malekith is actually the father of Sigmar?"

Sigmar: "I wouldn't be surprised by that. If I'm half-Elf apparently I seem ten times cooler to the general demographic of eight year olds who play the game ..."

Malekith: "Spawn Sigmar? I think not!"

Morathi: "I'd give birth to Sigmar ... hell yeah ... wouldn't stop me sleeping with him ..." She giggles. "He's so tasty ..."

Malekith: "If that's my mum ... she's a total slut ..."

Teclis: "I'll probably end up sleeping with her. Somehow" He sighs.

So yes ... before we return to the storyline ... spare a thought for the Black Library's new venture into the past of the Warhammer world ... and ask yourself ... how much AWESOME parody material will it supply?

Horus: "Considering half of PRIMARCHS is spent pointing out how much the new HH stuff sucks ... it'll be nice to have new material ..."

Quiet. I'm narrating for a change ... Heldenhammer - how much will it suck? Thank you ... and enjoy the continuation from yesterday - Asdrubael Vect

Sephiroth: "You guys finished?"

Magnus: "Yeah we've finished bitching like angry fanboys now ... you two can continue this little scrap"

Lion: "It's an epic fight Magnus ..."

Magnus: "You're using stuff from Tome of Battle: Book of Nine Swords. You fail automatically in looking cool"

Lion: "You bloody traditionalists! You can't accept anything other than arcane magic! Psionics? No! Magic of Incarnum? No! Tome of Magic?"

Magnus: "That sucked so badly ..."

Dorn: "Could we stop talking about D&D here? This is a 40K parody ..."

Magnus: "You're just bitter that we're not talking about your hobbies ..."

Dorn: "Perhaps ... although what's the chances of the topic being changed to football?"

Magnus: "We could ... but I don't know anything about that"

Sephiroth: "No we're not. I didn't spend an excessive amount of time changing into this form just so you could spend the entire chapter talking about mindless stuff. Now! Lion! Prepare yourself for my ULTIMATE BADASS ATTACK!"

Lion: Yawning. "Go for it"

Sephiroth: "NOVA ASSAULT!" He then proceeds to pick up the Solar system and hit Lion with it (and I wish I was joking ... but Squaresoft really were this stupid in FF7).

Lion: "Wow ... that hurt considerably ..."

Horus: "Dude ... you just took a solar system to the face!"

Lion: "I might need a plaster ..."

Lorgar: "Hit him back!"

Lion: "With what?"

Cypher: "With this my lord!" Hurls down a bright and shiny sword. Lion catches it while gaping in amazement.

Lion: "Cypher? What are you doing here?"

Cypher: "I've been waiting for you to return for centuries! You disappeared into that Gate of Varl ages ago - I've been waiting here ever since to give you that damn sword!"

Lion: "What is it?"

Cypher: "Vaul enjoyed reforging the Lion Sword, so he went away and ... well improved it slightly ... behold the Liger Sword!"

Lion: Swings it a little. A continent is cut in half. "Wow ... sharp ... lets try this!" He jumps up. Owing to the elastic nature of anime physics he manages to achieve low orbit. A few slices cuts the moon into small chunks which he then roundhouse kicks into Sephiroth.

Sephiroth: "OUCH! ARGH! DAMMIT! STOP THAT!"

Lion: "Not finished yet" He drops back down, achieving terminal velocity. He plunges into Sephiroth, pointy-end first, at high speed. The sheer kinetic energy of the feat is unleashed, destroying large parts of the Palace in the process.

Ferrus: "Awesome! Lion's a Dragoon!"

Horus: "This is all absurd! I reject this absurdity!"

Lion: "Face it Sephiroth. You're pitiful ..."

Sephiroth: Picking himself up from the ground. "DON'T PITY ME! FINAL FORM! ULTIMATE BADASS SEPHIROTH!" Que more flashy transformation graphics.

Lion: One swing.

Sephiroth: "GAH! WHY! WHY IS MY FINAL FORM ALWAYS SO WEAK!" He collapses and dies, awarding mass XP for the Lion.

Lion: "That's one down. Now to clean up the rest of them ..."

Dozens of guard rush into the room.

Horus: "Does it never end?"

Dorn: "You want it to stop?"

Horus: "Hell no! I was just making sure there's still more of them left for me"

Ferrus: "Guys we need to find a way of controlling this power the Fish of Time gave us!"

Lorgar: "Any suggestions?"

Ferrus: "There's got to be someone in this franchise mash-up who can help! A wise old master is an RPG staple!"

Aerith: "There's Doga! He can help!"

Horus: "Then lets find him!"

Perturabo: "What about these guys?" He gestures at the guards.

Horus: Grins "No point leaving Lion with all the fun"

TO BE CONTINUED ...


	69. Chapter LXIX

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER SEVENTY ONE*** = = = = = = = =

The One Where Monica and Rachel Join A Wych Cult, Phoebe Finally Earns Her Inquisitor Status, Joey and Chandler Learn the True Horror of the C'tan, and Ross is Eaten by Tyranids

Horus: "Are we there yet?"

Lorgar: "I swear Horus, if you ask that one more time-"

Dorn: "No cookies"

Horus: "Oh ..." Sits back in his couch and sulks.

Dorn: "Nice vessel by the way Cypher. Damn good of you to shuttle us to this Doga"

Cypher shrugs from where he stands in the doorway leading into the automated bridge.

Cypher: "When you guys vanished off the face of the franchise we fell back on the insane amount of cash Alpharius had stored and started a business to take advantage of the changing times"

Magnus: "What was this business?"

Cypher: "A little thing called wBay! Like eBay, but we use the Warp to allow instantaneous summoning of your purchases to anywhere in the universe. With models and conversions getting made redundant left right and centre, not to mention the huge demand in the 3.5-era Daemons, we made a small fortune from people selling off their old stuff! Just 1% of all financial transactions go to us, but as you can see from this fine craft we're flying in that 1% went far ..."

Alpharius: "Impressive Cypher. I wouldn't have pinned you as a businessman"

Cypher: "Who do you think was the powerful entity watching over me?" Opens the robes he wears to reveal a large tattoo on his chest of a figure pointing to the right with the words 'OBJECTION!' written below in ancient Dark Gothic. "Proud follower of Zuvassin mate"

Lion: "Who the hell is he?"

Magnus: "Chaos God of Screwing Things Up"

Angron: "Since when?"

Magnus: "... Something Rotten in Kislev supplement for WHFRP"

Lorgar: "You blatantly just looked that up on Wikipedia ..."

Magnus: "So what? You can't expect me to know every nook and cranny of the Fluff!"

The tortured cries a kitten can be heard.

Fulgrim: "Bloody hell ... she still at it?"

Aerith: "You monsters ..."

Angron: "Why is she still with us? What useful purpose does she serve?"

Ferrus: "Two words: Great Gospel"

Angron: "Ah ... good point. She may live ... for now ... mwahahahaha!"

There is silence.

Lorgar: "You did not just say an evil cacker?"

Lion: "He did"

All shuffle around to block Angron from the conversation.

Lorgar: "All right. Lets take stock of our situation: we're several hundred years in the future. We have the method to return but none of us are confident of trying it again lest we end up somewhere worse"

Vulkan: "Where can be worse than this place? I can't swing a dead salamander without hitting something hyperactive and annoyingly cute!"

Sanguinius: "You'd swing a dead Space Marine?"

Vulkan: "I was talking about the animal my Legion's named after!"

Lorgar: "Chapter"

Vulkan: "What?"

Lorgar: "You're a Chapter not a Legion. You got hit by Rob's Code of Lame"

Corax: "Speaking of Rob. Where is he?"

Konrad: "Who cares? He's not here; that's the important fact"

Alpharius: "As strange as it may seem for me to agree with Corax, Emo Boy MkII does have a point - we have no idea where Rob ended up, whether he's still alive, and what state he's in"

Horus: "And again, the answer to all those questions is 'Do Not Want'"

Ferrus: "You've been using my laptop again haven't you?"

Horus: "Interesting 'Favourites' folder, by the way ..." Pulls out a compact AdMech-approved laptop and rotates the screen so everyone can see. Ferrus visibly cringes. "Shall we have a look?"

Ferrus: "Put that away now!"

Lorgar: "Wow ... Warseer's at the top? You sad individual ..."

Perturabo: "How may times? Dakka! That's the place!"

Horus: "Or how about this? How many chan boards have you linked?"

Lorgar: "WarpChan? Erm ... what?"

Vulkan: "Something Awful ... Rotten ... Golden Throne ... Imperial Chicks?"

Ferrus: "Sorry, Ferrus is AFK. Please come back ... no wait that's not mine!"

Fulgrim: "Oh sorry. That must be me ... I remember saving a few of my regular sites on your account by accident"

Lorgar: "So ... Imperial officers ..."

Fulgrim: "I love their uniforms! So tight and firm-"

Vulkan: "I apologise to everyone but I'm cutting this conversation now in the interests of my sanity"

Ferrus: "No complaint there ..."

Lorgar: "Still, Ferrus ... this isn't healthy web browsing activities ... especially Warseer ... strange bunch over there ..."

They look at you.

Ferrus: "Self-referencial comedy for the win!"

Dorn: "What were we talking about before that pointless diversion?"

Lorgar: "How screwed we are ..."

Dorn: "Oh that again ... lets see if this Doga guy can help. If not, we kill him, his family, and rampage through this Gods-forsaken universe until everything's set right again"

Aerith: "The deaths! So ... simple ... so elegant ... heh ... so easy ..." He face lights up ...

Fulgrim: "Hello - I think we just corrupted Flower Girl ..."

Dorn: Raises hands. "Wasn't me"

Magnus: "Don't make me break out the Detect Evil spell ..."

Lion: "Newsflash to the D&D nerd - this is Warhammer 40,000 ... do you really want to know who's evil around here?"

Magnus: "Good point ... "

Cypher: "Well if anyone's interested, we're approaching the planet where DFG says Doga hides away"

Horus: "Excellent. Lets meet this guy, learn how to use our powers, then go back and kick C'tan arse!"

Lorgar: "When he puts it like that, it almost sounds simple"

TO BE CONTINUED ...


	70. Chapter LXX

"_Blessed be the closed mind ... too simple to understand the rules of popular table-top war games so I can make whatever crap up and they'll chew on it like it's Grade A truth. Blessed be the closed mind indeed ..." - Way of the Power Gamer, Book The First_

_Caught in a nightmare future of Japanese cute and hyperactive teenage girls wearing impossibly short skirts (wait ... this is a **nightmare?**), our heroes seek the one individual who might possess the knowledge to aid them in harnessing the power of the Fish of Time!_

_We rejoin our heroes aboard the great vessel _Bitches Don't Know About Mah Plans_, currently in low orbit around the inconspicuous green and blue world. Gazing out at it stands Warmaster Horus, his trusted advisers Lorgar and Dorn, with Ferrus, Vulkan, and Mortarion acting as specialist advisers in the arts of the Internetz, Being Cool, and What Not To Be respectively._

**Horus:** "It has oceans ... and green stuff ... and white bits at the top ..."

**Lorgar:** "Yes Horus; it has multiple climates. Truly a bizarre planet amongst this universe of single-climate worlds ..."

**Horus:** "The concept is an abomination and must be discouraged with lazy narrative flair!"

_What do you want? An ocean world? A jungle world? A desert world occupied by annoying eight-year-old Evil Paladin wannabes who can pilot podracers and make their own protocol droids?_

**Horus:** "The narrator displays sarcasm towards me. This does not amuse the Warmaster ..."

**Mortarion:** "Since when has the Warmaster ever displayed a sense of humour?"

**Horus:** "Since when has the Death Lord ever displayed one either?"

**Mortarion:** "Touche ... although in my defence the guys over at think I'm hilarious ..."

**Lorgar:** "They would. We** are** talking about the only job in the universe which has as an requirement the necessity of finding double-amputees on swings unbelievably hilarious"

**Mortarion:** _Tries to stop giggling._ "Push harder and watch them fly!"

**Ferrus:** "And people insist **I'm** tasteless ..."

**Lorgar:** "You **are** tasteless. You're the only sentient being in known existence to have been **permanently banned** from /b/ for **offending the residents**"

**Dorn:** "Dare I ask **what the hell did you post?**"

**Ferrus:** _Looking as innocent as possibl._ "Well it was only a small deleted by the Warseer Inquisition with again, deleted by the Warseer Inquisition and more deletions with deleting, deleting ... up her hi, this is the Warseer Inquisition. Take a wild stab in the dark at what we've done here ... in now **that's** wrong and oh dear Gods ... in my **mind!** and is that actually physically **possible?** coated in oh that's just taking the piss ... with when does this **end?** and oh Gods it just goes **on and on** ... and some Marmite ... and a dog ..."

_Silence doesn't begin to describe the following scene. Even reality is stunned; atoms themselves stop emitting energy and stare at Ferrus in shock. _

**Ferrus:** "What?"

**Dorn:** "I'm sorry I asked ... I really am ... I think I need to make another successor chapter just to prove how sorry I am ..."

**Vulkan:** "Oh you will bitch. They shall fight continuously day and night for our forgiveness, and when a thousand millennia has passed they shall grovel before us and we shall say '_NO! ANOTHER THOUSAND MILLENNIA! OUR MINDS ARE STILL RECOVERING!'_. The **Sons of Dorn Should Not Have Asked That Damn Question** shall be their name, and they will exist only to commit enough genocide to make us forget what Ferrus just described ..."

**Magnus**:_Entering the room, with the others._ "What did Ferrus just describe? I missed anything?"

**Ferrus:** "Well-"

_Suffers a massive blow to the head that would shatter continents from Vulkan._

**Vulkan:** "No. Nothing was missed"

**Angron:** "Then why did you hit Ferrus?"

**Vulkan:** "Why not?"

**Angron:** "A good reply. Well I'm satisfied with that"

**Konrad:** "I'll never say no to a spot of random and horrific violence meted out without rhyme or reason ... so – what's the battle plan?"

**Corax:** "We're waging war against this world? With what? Our non-existent army that we left several hundred years ago outside the Gates of Varl that are now either dead from having no one to tell them what to do or suffered Mass Narrative Existence Failure?"

**Cypher:** "I'm alive"

**Corax:** "You're a named character; of course you'd still be alive. Only people with no names die in sci-fi stories, or people with a single name who've only recently been introduced"

**Aerith:** "Eeek!"

**Corax:** "Oh don't worry dear; you told us your last name. People with two names never die ... unless it's a Plot Death in which case it carries a 50% probability of being both permanent and intensely horrific so to inspire the rest of us to kick ass in your memory"

**Aerith:** "Oh **that's** comforting ..."

**Horus:** "Dead Flower Girl; your comfort is not important to anyone but yourself and your opinions frankly don't count anyway. Corax – you're wrong"

**Corax:** "I admire the bluntness of that last statement"

**Horus:** "Your admiration is only natural – I get that from people. In answer to your question we're not laying siege to the world. Although I've no doubt just the eighteen of us can manage quite nicely ..."

**Lorgar:** "Seventeen Horus"

**Horus:** "What?"

**Lorgar:** "There's seventeen of us – Rob's still missing, presumed annoying people"

**Horus:** "Well what good is that to us? I need that big blue bastard down here slugging those over-sized weapons of his around like it's the only thing he's good at in this world!"

**Vulkan:** "I thought that **was** the only thing he's good at?"

**Dorn:** "That and annoying people ..."

**Corax:** "And writing crap books ..."

**Russ:** "And telling everyone what to do ..."

**Lorgar:** "Wow ... who does that remind you of?"

_Eyes turn to Horus._

**Horus:** "I hope for everyone's sake you're all looking at me because you're enraptured in my general awesomeness ..."

**Vulkan:** "Yeah ... that ... we'll go for that"

**Corax:** _Muttering out of the corner of his mouth."_Because we're obviously as gullible as Black Library authors ..."

**Horus**:"What was that Emo Mk2?"

**Corax:** "Your plan is excellent?"

**Horus:** "I haven't told you my plan yet!"

**Corax:** "Oh ... didn't you? I kinda got lost with all the random dialogue that was going on ..."

**Horus:** "So did I ... anyway ... we need to locate this Doga individual and convince him to help us! Naturally it shouldn't take long to search an entire planet for a single Human being ..."

**Lorgar:** "I hope that was sarcasm"

**Horus:** "Of course it wasn't!" _He notices the looks everyone's giving him._ "What? What's so hard? Oh come on; it happens in books all the time! How hard could it be ... ?"


	71. Chapter LXXI

"How hard could it be?" - Horus

SEVEN YEARS LATER

**Horus:** "Oh **come on!** Where the hell is this guy? They could've at least had some sort of signposts to where he is! A 'Doga, 12 miles this way' sign in giant, flashing neon lights?"

**Lorgar:** "They probably do ... only remember Horus that this world is 70% landmass and we've only searched about half of that ... we're probably missing the large neon signs to Doga's hideaway ..."

**Perturabo:** "Hey, DFG – any ideas?"

**Aerith:**_ She shrugs. "_Sorry ... no. Normally with these sort of things the only viable geographical path you can take with current transportation means leads you straight to the guy"

**Magnus:** "Conveniently placed mountains and rivers you apparently can't swim across?"

**Aerith: **"How did you know? Has this happened to you before?"

**Magnus:** "No my dear, that's just standard fare for Role Playing Games – a little something known amongst those who play them as rail-roading ..."

**Horus:** "Well I wish there was a bloody rail-road here now!"

**Lorgar:** "Let me just see how the other teams are doing" _Pull out a small Moogle and sacrifices it on the spot. _"Russ, Vulkan, what's your status?"

_The space above the dead Moogle twists and turns, and two small translucent images of Russ and Vulkan appear. _

**Russ:** "I don't like this sorcery Lorgar ... can't we use vox-links like every other 40K inhabitant?"

**Lorgar:** "I don't trust anything from Dan Abnett; it might not be fluffy ..."

_Meow!_

**Horus:** "How can we still hear that ... ?"

**Vulkan:** "Ignoring that matter – we've searched through the plains and we haven't found any sign of this 'Doga' individual. On the other hand we did find lots of wildlife that wanted to eat us"

**Russ:** "Yeah ... it's kinda odd when even the rabbits want to eat you ... especially when all you find in their stomachs are half-digested vegetables! What's up with this?"

**Magnus:** "The laws of all RPGs are slowly mixing in with ours. You'll suffer an increasingly large amount of giant animals appearing from seemingly nowhere with the sole intention of killing you, and when you slay them you'll feel wiser, and more experienced with matters"

**Aerith:** "And you'll probably spontaneously learn new stuff with no apparent reason as to why, especially considering your lack of access to books and education in the middle of the wilderness"

**Russ:** "I feel like I could rapidly punch this spear through creatures to achieve exponential damage ... this is a new occurrence that was not there yesterday ..."

**Magnus:** "Russ! You've levelled up!"

**Russ:** "What does that make me now? Epic? Major Epic? More Epic Than Epic? So Epic _Wizards of the Coast_ Will Be Nerfing Me In Five Seconds? Epic Enough To Have Arthas As My Bitch?"

**Magnus:** "I dunno ... what does your character profile say?"

**Russ:** "My **what?**"

**Magnus:** "Look around ... can you see an image of yourself on the task bar ... maybe try pressing the 'c' key ..."

**Vulkan:** "Magnus, you're sounding dangerously like Ferrus. Real Life does not carry keyboard short cuts!"

**Magnus:** "But-"

**Russ:** "Hey wait – I've found something! WOA! Is **that** what I'm carrying! You've got to see this lads – I'm positively **broken!**"

**Magnus:** "I think Russ just found out what that funky spear he picked up on that craftworld ages back does"

**Russ:** _Huge hearty laughs._

**Vulkan:** "How did he see that?"

**Horus:** "Yeah – I want to see how broken **I** am!"

**Russ:** "Hit the 'tab' key!"

**Horus:** "The **what** key?"

**Russ:** "The 'tab' key"

**Horus:** "Where the hell's that? **What** the hell's that? Is it something you use in a bar?"

**Magnus:** "Bring down the console Horus"

**Horus:** "OK" _Reaches up and presses something to his upper left. _

Horus1:_

**Magnus:** "It's the button **below** that one .."

**Horus:** "Oh! Right I'm with you all ... before that ..."

Horus1:_

Horus1:GOD

Godmode on

Horus1:_

**Lorgar:** "You cheeky bastard! Turn that off now!"

**Horus:** "But-"

**Lorgar:** "No buts! What did I tell you about Godmode **before** you went and fought dad?"

**Horus:** "It's cheating?"

**Lorgar:** "And do you want to be considered a cheater in history lessons ten thousand years from now?"

**Horus:** _Shuffles his feet._ "Erm ... no ..."

**Lorgar:** "Right, no turn that damn thing off"

**Horus:**_ Reluctantly. "_All right ..."

**Magnus:** _Leans over to Lorgar and whispers._ "And **you** can turn off autoaim ..."

**Lorgar:** "Damn ... busted"

**Vulkan:** "Have we all finished? Where's our next destination oh enlightened leader of awesome and win?"

**Horus:** _Raises an eyebrow._ "That was sarcasm"

**Vulkan:** "Very perceptive of you"

**Horus:** _Raises the other eyebrow._ "That was **also** sarcasm ... where are you currently?"

**Vulkan:** "The marshlands in the southern part of the eastern continent"

**Horus: **_Holds up a copy of the topographical map made by orbital scans years earlier. _"Right ... erm ... Lorgar? Where did we agree east started and west ended?"

**Lorgar:** "I thought this part here?"

**Horus:** "Really? I thought it was that part here ... ?"

**Lorgar:** "But I've been telling everyone it's this part!"

**Horus:** "But I've told them ..."

**Vulkan:** "You guys are ****ing morons"

_Another image pops up – the face of Alpharius._

**Alpharius:** "In case anyone's remotely interested – I found Doga"

**Vulkan:** "Excellent! Where?"

**Alpharius:** "The plains"

**Vulkan:** "But I **looked** there last year!"

**Alpharius:** "He's a trans-continental hiker"

_All eyes turn to Aerith._

**Aerith:** "Well I didn't know!"


	72. Chapter LXXII

"_With this power I could forge the greatest fast food industry in the universe! ... or an empire ... yeah an empire sounds cooler ..." - Tracy's first reaction to news of Astartes zygotes_

_Having finally found the elusive Doga after seven years of fruitless searching (and coming to a realisation that planets are __**big**__, a lot bigger than most sci-fi authors make out), our (are we still calling them this?) heroes now seek his aid in controlling the vast powers of time travel, given to them by the all-mighty FISH OF TIME!_

**Horus:** "Hey you old fart! We want anything you might know about controlling this power!"

**Lorgar: **_Whispering out of the corner of his mouth._ "Nice diplomacy ... why not just beat it out of him while your at it?"

**Horus:** "An excellent idea!" _Moves forward._

**Lorgar:** "Horus you twat I was joking!"

_Horus aims a punch at the old guy's face, and throws it. He stops after a second when he realises Doga no longer is where he was, and looks up in amazement to see the old guy balancing perfectly on the end of Horus' fist. _

**Doga:** "You are slow, foolish son of a corpse!"

_Doga performs a neat backspin, kicking Horus in the chin as he does so and sending the Primarch (a good six feet taller than the old guy) flying backwards._

**Doga:** _Landing perfectly where he had just been moments before Horus tried to punch him._ "Manners, you have none. Teach you them, I shall"

**Horus:** "Bloody hell! He moved fast!"

**Perturabo:** "Or you're just getting slower in your old age" _He grins, hefts his axe and runs forwards, swinging the vast piece of metal (it was made from the wings of a Lightning fighter) around as he goes. The axe slices through huge chunks of ground, but misses Doga who casually side-steps the swing._

**Doga:** "Just as slow! These are Primarchs? Fools with over-inflated egos I think!"

**Perturabo:** "Watch your tongue mortal!" _He swings the axe around again._

_Doga catches the axe between his thumb and little finger, and tosses it over his shoulder with Perturabo still holding onto it in amazement._

**Doga:** "Weak as well. This is disappointing. I see now why Games Workshop did not write rules for you – deserving of them you are not!"

**Dorn:** "Well that's a little harsh. Some of us have been technically dead for two editions"

**Doga:** "Death is no excuse for neglecting your training! I see I have much to improve upon. Who taught you before?"

**Corax:** "Well no one really ... we kinda just became kings, lords, barons, emperors, and rulers of worlds through a combination of sheer luck, animal magnetism, and our over-inflated egos"

**Konrad:** "Which Horus used to great effect ..."

**Doga:** "This is not good. Come with me you shall!"

**Horus:** _Picking himself up off the ground and dusting his ego._ "Hey old geezer! What makes you think we're following you?"

**Sanguinius:**_ Grinning. "_Because he kicked your ass? I kinda like this old guy now"

**Fulgrim:** "Hey, he's got skills. I want skills. The whole 'desire for perfection' thing coming out now in full force ... I just noticed how rusty my back swing is ... do you think he can get my handicap down?"

**Sanguinius:** "I don't think he plays golf"

**Fulgrim:** "I wasn't talking about golf"

**Mortarion:** "Well I'm following him because I'm man enough to admit I need some power-up training ... especially if we want to fight C'tan"

**Russ:** "Pansy! Me and Magnus kicked the Nightbringer's ass!"

**Magnus:** "Russ that was through a rules technicality ... not skill"

**Russ:** _Muttering out of the corner of his mouth._ "Hijack my moment why don't ya?"

**Doga:** "Follow me" _He walks off in the direction of distant mountains._

**Horus:** "Well I'm not going ..."

**Lorgar:** "Yes you are"

**Horus:** "Hell no! I'm staying right here! Go on without me! Go on ... oh yeah the 'loyalists' are going ... go on you pansies! Oh Angron as well ... now Mort ... emo .. go on Lorgar ... Kon ... Pert ... Fulgrim? Al? Magnus? Hello? Anyone? Warmaster being left on his own here! Guys? Come on! GUYS! ... oh screw it I'm coming! I SAID I'M COMING!"

**Fulgrim:** _Calling back._ "Keep that to yourself dear!"

**Horus:** _Growls as he hurries after the others._

_Our Primarchs tread towards the mountains, following Doga. They brave the elements (hot and sunny) and the native wildlife (cute fluffy bunnies), eventually reaching a hidden valley within the mountain range where a nice Japanese-style villa awaits them. _

**Doga:** "My home! Here you will train under my supervision!"

**Dorn:** "What shall we call you master?"

**Doga:** "I am known by many names. To the Warriors of Light, I was Doga. To her people-" _He nods at Aerith._ "- I was Bugenhagen, to others like her I was known by many names. To you ... you may know me as Pie May"

**Horus:** "Pie May what?"

**Pie May:** "Pie May Smack Your Face Silly If You Don't Respect Him!"

**Horus:** _Muttering. _"Good comeback ..."

**Pie May:** Your training begins now! There will be no respite, no forgiveness ... there will be only effort! I will not take any reply but 'Yes Master', I will not see anything but total obedience!"

**Fulgrim:** _Folding his many arms._ "And why should we suffer this humiliation and dents to our beloved egos?"

**Pie May:** "Do you wish to become badasses?"

**Fulgrim:** "We already are"

**Pie May:** _Raises a single eyebrow._ "Show me"

**Fulgrim:** _Grins._ "With pleasured"

**Dorn:** "Have you guys forgotten what he did to Horus and Perturabo?"

**Fulgrim:** "That was them, this is now and it's me we're talking about ..." _He leaps forward._

_Ten seconds later ..._

**Dorn:** "I stand with smug satisfaction that I was once again right ..."

**Fulgrim:** _Lying in a broken heap amongst some flowers._ "Nneerrr ..."

**Pie May:** "Your first task Snake-Boy is to repair the garden you destroyed with your foolish arrogance! I expect it to be perfect when I return!" _He turns to the rest, who cower (except Mort, who's Despair incarnate anyway)_ "You! Follow me! Aerith! Prepare tea my dear, I shall be enjoying a pleasant drink while these fools begin their long path"

**Aerith:** "Get tea. I like that ... no chance of psycho ex-genetically engineered soldiers jumping me with swords ... I think ..."

**Lion:** _Whispering. _"Run little flower girl! Run!"

_She squeals and hurries off in the direction of Pie May's kitchen._

**Pie May:** "We begin!"


	73. Chapter LXXIII

_The training begins ..._

**Pie May:** "Release all you have known, embrace that you know nothing!"

**Fulgrim:** "Well of course we know nothing – you told us to release all we know! What do we have left? By all rights I should have forgotten how to breath!"

**Pie May:** _Slaps Fulgrim round the back of the head with a paper fan._ "Insolence! Wisdom listens while intelligence speaks!"

**Fulgrim:** _Muttering under his breath._ "I await any evidence of that ..."

**Pie May:** _Another thwack with the paper fan._ "I hear well dumb snake-man! Press your lips to the ground and present me eighty-two thousand push-ups!"

**Fulgrim:** "Wha ..." _Growls and does as he is told._

**Pie May:** "What you have been taught is pitiful! You have had nothing but praise from everyone you meet – you know not the sorrow of rejection, of doubt, of despair or dislike!"

**Mortarion:** "Some of us have ..."

**Pie May:** _Thwack!_ "You have experienced only the undying loyalty from everyone you meet! No one has pointed out your failures! No one has highlighted your inexperience! The result? You have pride! Too much pride! And because of your pride you fail!"

**Horus:** "Dude, we **don't** fail! We're Pri-" _Thwack!_ "Holy crap man! That **hurts!**"

**Pie May:** "You fail because you believe you do not need to learn! You refuse all those who try to impart wisdom! The result? You fail!"

**Magnus:** "Yup. They're idiots. Teach them!"

**Pie May:** _Thwack! _"Do not be so quick to impart negative words to your brothers! The bond of family is one tighter than iron!"

**Sanguinius:** "Oh yeah, very tight. Where were you when Horus tore me into small pieces?"

**Dorn:** "What are you talking about? You look quite whole in those illustrations ..."

**Sanguinius:** "Dude – **lightning claws**! What do you think they do? Give you mild bruising?"

**Dorn:** "Good point"

**Pie May:** _Thwack! Thwack! _"No talking when I'm monologuing!"

**Dorn:** "Argh! Sheesh ... warn me before you do that ... what's that fan made out of?"

**Pie May:** "Paper"

**Sanguinius:** "That's impossible! Mere paper shouldn't hurt us that much!"

**Pie May:** _Thwack! _"Again! The arrogance within you cries that such things must be impossible, and yet the pain you feel says otherwise? Contradiction, no? The answer is simple, and will occur to you if your mind is freed from the chains of superiority your foolish father has allowed"

**Dorn:** "Hey! Don't talk about dad that way! Sure he was irresponsible, oversighted, egotistic, brash, arrogant ... annoying ... uncompromising ... actually you're right dad was a fool ..."

**Vulkan:** "Yeah, dad was an idiot. You'd think he would have given us a _Chaos For Dummies_ guide before we left Terra ..."

**Magnus:** "Isn't that one of Lorgar's books?"

**Lorgar:** "Probably, I lose track myself ..."

**Pie May:** _Thwack! Thwack! Thwack! Thwack!_

**Horus:** "Heh"

**Pie May:** _Thwack! _"Laugh not at the misery of others! Lest you want me to point out **every single tactical failing** of your part!"

**Horus:** "Hey, my rebellion was perfect!"

**Pie May:** _Thwack! _"A mortal cannot achieve perfection! That is denied to all of us! The best one can achieve is to endlessly pursue perfection, yet never attain it"

**Fulgrim:** "Then what's the point?"

**Pie May:** "The pursuit is the point, foolish snake-man! To devote your life to a goal, even if the goal cannot be reached, is the most noble of pursuits"

**Fulgrim:** "Or a fine way to waste your life ..."

**Pie May:** _Thwack!_ "Says the silly snake-man led astray by a talking sword!"

**Fulgrim:** "Hey! I didn't ask for a Plot Device to be handed to me as an **excuse** to turn traitor! I was quite happy going along with my buddy Horus!"

**Horus:** "Cheers man!"

**Fulgrim:** "Don't get too emotional – I said I **was** happy ... that 'buddy' part was also past tense"

**Horus: **"What happened Fulgrim? When did things end up like this between us?"

**Fulgrim:** "Horus, I loved you like a brother ... but then came the revelation that I'm copying some alien snakes and talking to a sword ... it's just too much of a confusing transition for me ... I need to understand my place in this changing world ..."

**Pie May:** "And you shall, but you must listen to me first! I understand change – I have seen many worlds, many alterations, many new combat systems (although _Final Fantasy 8_'s sucked badly ...), so I understand change. Listen to me, and you shall too!"

**Dorn:** "Oh excellent, thankfully they haven't got around to me yet. I'm sure a secret banana fetish will soon be used as an excuse for my Legion's colour scheme ..."

**Magnus:** "Apparently I can appear in other people's dreams ... when did that happen?"

**Alpharius:** "Dude ... I didn't know I had a t-"

**All:** "SHUT UP!"

**Dorn:** "Al, we're not going to spoil _Legion_ until everyone's had a chance to read it!"

**Alpharius:** "Fair enough ... but I want to know what else I have up my sleeve ... apparently I'm so good even **I** don't know half of what I'm capable of ... I mean where the **hell** did all that come from?"

**Dorn:** "Dan Abnett's imagination"

**Alpharius:** "Sneaky bastard. He can have it all back. It'll just give dad the biggest ego boost the franchise has ever seen ... a frankly the implications for me **suck**"

**Konrad:** "Well now you've got everyone's interests piqued ..."

**Alpharius:** "Wait until yours ..."

**Konrad:** "_Night_, by Graham McNeil – new revelations about the Night Lords Legion! Their secret ordnance weapon fetish! Their love of Obliterators! Konrad Curze likes My Little Pony! Read about the thrilling infiltration by a lone assassin who most certainly **was not** allowed in without resistance, and who killed the Primarch in single combat **with a spoon**!"

**Pie May:** _MEGA THWACK!_ "Cynicism will not be tolerated ... as likely as all that may be ... now you shall remain like this until I return from my tea ceremony"

**Horus:** "How long will that take?"

**Pie May: **_Walking away. _"Tea must be served correctly ... which may take between two to four days ..."

**Horus:** "Oh ... SCREW YOU!"

**Lorgar:** "So ... what does everyone want to talk about?"

**Dorn:** "My leg hurts ..."

_We pull pack to see that our heroes are balancing via one leg atop mile-high steel poles in a sea of lava. Pie May has retreated on a hover skiff. A fierce wind threatens to blow the Primarchs off into the molten rock below._

**Horus:** "Who's smart idea was all this?"


	74. Chapter LXXIV

_Horus stands alone before a wall. His fist mere inches from its surface. He draws a deep breath ... listens to the elements around him ... summons the god-like strength within him ... and PUNCHES THE DAMN WALL!_

_There is a moment of silence, then the great Primarch gently cradles his fist and screams in pain._

**Horus:** "... ****! ****ing ****!"

**Pie May:** "Weak! Again!"

**Horus:** "What? Are you insane? Look ... the Bride had to punch through a **wooden** plank! Can I have that! This is a **forty foot thick adamantium wall**! For crying out loud even dad had problems punching through adamantium!"

**Pie May:** "You are not your father. You have greater potential! Now – again!"

**Horus:** "But ... argh! Fine!" _Faces the wall again and punches it a second time. He winces as his superhuman strength is rejected by the HARDEST METAL KNOWN TO GEEKDOM! (Wolverine uses it; anything less and Wolverine's sheer badassery would destroy it utterly.)_

**Magnus:** "I think there's harder metals ..."

**Horus:** _In pain._ "Shut ... up ... Magnus!"

**Lorgar:** "Seriously don't give shorty over there-" _He nods at Pie May_. "-any ideas ..."

**Vulkan:** "How about S L Jacksoninium? Made from Samuel L Jackson's concentrated sweat"

**Angron:** "Norrisanium? Chuck Norris distilled into concentrated awesomeness"

**Alpharius:** "How about Shutthehellupium?"

**Angron:** "What's that made of?"

**Alpharius:** "Shut The Hell Up"

**Angron:** "Do you want to take this outside?"

**Alpharius:** "... we **are** outside ..."

**Angron:** "Meant ... erm ... more outside than ..."

**Alpharius:** "Stop talking. What shall the rest of us do while Horus tries to punch his way through an impossible barrier?"

**Horus:** "See? Impossible – what he said!"

**Pie May:** "Impossible, it is not. You, Alpharius, shall follow me. I have a special task for you"

**Alpharius: **_Follows Pie May._ "What is it?"

**Pie May:** _Points to a distant tree on the horizon. _"See that tree? The fruit of that tree makes delicious cake topping. Get some for me, and I shall let you eat a slice of the cake"

**Alpharius:** "Oh, cake ... goodie. Well ... it's a tree in the middle of a large grassy plain ... should be easy to get-"

_The grassy plain suddenly rears up and takes a bite out of a passing herd of dinosaur-like creatures. _

**Alpharius:** "Wait ... that plain's **alive?**"

**Pie May:** "The tree is a method of attracting prey. But the fruit does taste nice ..." _He grins._

**Alpharius:** "You are a cruel and evil little man, and I hope you die soon" _He begins walking off in the direction of the Living Plain_. "Come on you freak of nature; lets get this over with ..."

**Pie May:** "Excellent ... now Magnus?"

**Magnus:** "Yes? What evil task will you threaten me with?"

**Pie May:** "Design a character that can beat Pun-Pun"

**Magnus:** _His face drains of colour._ "But Pun-Pun's invulnerable ... he's the most broken D&D character ever! He has **every freaking ability** under the sun! Infinite hit points! He's unbeatable!"

**Pie May:** "Good. Fun you will have then. Now ... Vulkan!"

**Vulkan:** _Muttering._ "Oh gods ..."

**Pie May:** "Gods no save you now! Challenge I had set you is intensely difficult! Will require all your cunning and skill!"

**Vulkan:** _Still muttering._ "Wait for it ..."

**Pie May:** "Make tea"

**Vulkan:** "Make t- _make tea_?"

**Pie May:** "Yes. Thirsty I am"

**Lorgar:** "Hey, how comes you get let off so easily?"

**Pie May:** "Lorgar – wife called. Wants you home by tea. You're already several hundred years late. She not happy"

**Lorgar:** "Oh crap ..."

**Pie May:** "Husband in doghouse – I am amused. Now ... where are others? They should have finished remodelling mountain ..."

_Meanwhile, elsewhere in Pie May's estate ..._

**Sanguinius:** _Cleaning the dishes. _"So let me see if I understand this. After losing a vast amount of profits after announcing that the fifth edition of _Warhammer 40,000_ will feature an expanded collection of Marine Codices while all xenos races will feature in a single Codex to enlarge shelf space for more marine products, Games Workshop was promptly bought up by Square-Enix in a case of lost in translation when **they** thought they were buying **GAME**, as in the electronic games stores as a way of expanding their empire and charge their western competitors extra by forcing them to sell their games through Square-Enix owned stores"

**Aerith:** _Drying the dishes. _"Yup. So the plan backfired, but Square-Enix recovered by incorporating the _Warhammer _franchises into the _Final Fantasy_ universes. Hence me being here"

**Mortarion:** _Checking the dishes for corruption._ "So we're what? _Final Fantasyhammer_?"

**Aerith:** "_Final Fantasy Stupid Gaijin Dystopia Franchise IN SPACE!_**"**

**Sanguinius:** "Wow ... I've no idea what that means ... but it has 'stupid' in there so I'm insulted ..."

**Mortarion:** "Same here. I say after this training is finished and we go back in time, we teach Square-Enix a lesson **before** they fuck up our franchise"

**Sanguinius:** "Agreed. What say you Fulgrim?"

_They turn to Fulgrim, who's sitting in a corner sewing. _

**Fulgrim:** "Excellent idea gents. Any plans where to start?"

**Mortarion:** "I dunno ... by the Lord of Manflu I miss Ev'rii ..."

**Sanguinius:** "You miss the sex" _Grinning he elbows Mort in the side._

**Mortarion:** "We haven't done it yet"

_Stunned silence._

**Sanguinius:** "But ... she's a hot Daemonette ... why not?"

**Mortarion: **"We're waiting for the right moment ... a romantic holiday ... in an British National Health Service hospital ... and amongst all the decay and disease I'll propose ... and we'll make mad, passionate, gothic love amongst the corpses in the morgue ... then go visit the maternity ward and illuminate the newborns on how much life will suck"

_Stunned silence._

**Aerith:** "How ... romantic ... I guess"

**Mortarion:** "Isn't it?"

**Sanguinius:** "Yeah ... and now I'm reminded why I insisted on being in the test tube on the other side of the labs to you when we were young ..."


	75. Chapter LXXV

**Pie May:** "Your task, silly emo boy, is to introduce today's chapter"

**Mortarion:** "We're being held hostage by a psycho midget, forced to endure hellish training and wash up after meals. I think I broke something sliding down a mountain ... I miss my girlfriend ... my life sucks ..."

**Pie May:** "Thank you oh unlimited source of optimism ... I now declare this chapter begins!"

**Aerith:** "Who are you talking to?"

**Pie May:** "No one my dear ... is that the tea? Ah ... the aroma is delightful ... can you not smell that Mortarion?"

**Mortarion:** "Smells like something I might enjoy ... ergh"

**Pie May:** "Fun, you are not. Follow me smelly man"

**Mortarion:** "Hey, if I smell it's because a certain someone doesn't let me shower in the mornings any more ..."

**Pie May:** "Training is more important! Like now! Less complaining! More obedience!"

**Mortarion:** "Whatever ..."

_Thwack!_

**Mortarion:** "ARGH! HOW THE HELL CAN PAPER HURT SO MUCH?"

**Pie May:** "When you are sufficiently learned, teach you this I shall"

**Mortarion:** "And the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique?"

**Pie May:** "If you fancy it, now come!"

**Mortarion:** _Sighing._ "As you wish ..."

_**Alpharius:**__ Looking a bit worse for wear. "_Done it"

**Mortarion:** _Jumping almost out of his skin. _"Argh! Where did you appear from?"

**Alpharius:** "Your mum. Look here's the fruit"

**Pie May:** _Takes the juicy red fruit. _"Ah! How very wonderful! You may rest now ... you have done well young padawan"

**Alpharius:** "Yeah ... rest ... think I'll go collapse somewhere ..."

_Wanders off in the vague direction of where the Primarchs are currently sleeping ... when they do sleep ... if in fact they actually sleep ... do they sleep? Do they __**actually**__ sleep? Do they go the toilet as well? I'm sorry if these questions seem exceptionally nerdish, but __**they must be asked!**__ If only for the good of this series!_

**Mortarion:** "Don't look at me"

_I wasn't._

**Mortarion:** "Oh ... please look at me"

**Pie May:** "Cease demanding the narrator's attention and walk boy! Good gods how long must I strive to move this story arc forward so that I may depart and continue to enjoy my retirement in peace without stupid dumb Primarchs occupying my attention!"

**Mortarion:** "Was that a rhetorical question?"

**Pie May:** "It was most certainly not! It had an exclamation mark at the end!"

**Mortarion: **"I don't look at the script; I find it helps me to act in character by improvising"

**Pie May:** _Eyeing Mortarion suspiciously. _"You strange boy ..."

_Meanwhile ..._

**Horus:** "COME ON! BREAK! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY AND **MINE** BREAK!"

_And returning ..._

**Mortarion:** "So how's Horus doing?"

**Pie May:** "He will learn; keep walking. Now we've started at last I do not wish to stop for more plot exposition ..."

**Mortarion:** "Where's Lorgar?"

**Pie May:** "Family"

_Indeed he is. We cut to a delightful family table where several figures are tentatively tucking into a Thanksgiving-esque dinner. Lorgar sits at the head while his wife, Lelith Hesperax, sits at the opposite end. Between them their half-Eldar, half-Primarch son and daughter eat while enjoying their parent's uncomfortable silence._

**Lelith:** "So ..."

**Lorgar:** "Don't start"

**Lelith:** "Don't start what?"

**Lorgar:** "It was Horus' fault. We got lost ... in time ... and I ended up late. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to miss Aunt Beth's funeral ..."

**Lelith:** "Liam made a lovely speech ... didn't you Liam?"

**Liam:** "What? Oh yes ... it was lovely mother ..." _Quickly goes back to eating._

**Lelith:** "See?"

**Lorgar:** "I see you've trained the kids well to your evil commands ... anything else I should have noticed by now dear?"

**Lelith:** "I'm filing for divorce"

_The kids grimace. They've been expecting this._

**Lorgar:** "What? Wait ... you can't divorce me!"

**Lelith:** "Why? Because you're a Primarch?" _She scoffs._

**Lorgar:** "Why are you doing this?"

**Lelith:** "Because you're never here! You've never been here! You've always been off somewhere writing books about your silly concept of Chaos and preaching to people who've only signed up for the cool free Daemonic Gifts! You're never **with us!**"

**Lorgar:** "I can ... I can change ... I can be a better Primarch ... man ... I can **be better!**"

**Lelith:** _She gets up, a sad expression on her face._ "Too late I'm afraid ... Liam ... X ... come here. We're leaving"

_As his wife and kids leave the room, Lorgar sits stunned. _

**Lorgar:** "Wait ... I can change this ... this is the future ... I can change this ..."

_He leaps up and runs off in the direction of the PLOT DEVICE that shall take him home (how did he get here anyway? Where is here? What is here? So many questions this chapter!)._

**Lorgar:** "I can fix this! I can change this! I can-"

**Tzeentch:** "Of course you can ..."

_He stops, then backtracks to where the strange cloaked woman is leaning with another odd female, dressed in clothes that don't match and covered in more tattoos than the average sailor. _

**Falal:** "Hey ... long time no see"

**Tzeentch:** "Time to say hi to Magnus ... we're **very** upset he went exploring the fourth dimension without us"

**Falal:** "That's OK though ... we got the message"

**Lorgar:** "What message?"

**Tzeentch:** "Doga, silly. We're to **help** you in your training ..."

**Vulkan:** "What is it Konrad? Precognition again?"

**Konrad:** "I fear something horrible is about to happen ... and I don't mean C S Goto writing a _Horus Heresy_ book!"


	76. Chapter LXXVI

"_There comes a time in every story's run where questions must be answered. Serious questions, like how do _Star Trek _teleporters know where to find every atom in your body? How does a lightsabre know when to __**stop? **__How does Cloud Strife's hair stick up like that (what gel does he use)? Does Jack Baur take a crap, ever? What are Eldar toilets like? Do__ the Human-like female Cylons have menstrual cycles (and wouldn't that be delightful)? What __**would**__ sex with the now undead Sylvanas Windrunner be like? More to the point – how __**awesome**__ would it be? These are incredibly nerdy questions that generally, when said out loud, result in said speaker finding himself rapidly alienated by any sentient creature within earshot. However, these questions __**must**__ be asked dammit! And I'm going to ask them!" - Well ... me I suppose ... _

**Perturabo:** "Man ... just ... **get a life**"

_Anyway ... as the title of this new part in PRIMARCHS suggests, it's time to start asking the serious questions nerds have been asking for years. The questions that, if revealed, would destroy the very fabric of the universe! _

_Well ... at least be somewhat squicky ..._

_But I digress ... we return to our heroes where we last left them; enduring the hellish training of a certain Pie May (who briefly considered Cake May, but then realised that the cake is, in fact, a pie, and went from there). Horus continues to flail ineffectually against an adamantium wall, Sanguinius and Fulgrim learn of humility by performing such mundane tasks as washing up the dishes and cleaning people's clothes._

**Sanguinius:** "Humility? Try **humiliation!**"

**Fulgrim:** "I don't know ... these pink rubber gloves are rather fetching don't you think? The colour definitely brings the highlights on my scales"

**Sanguinius:** "... words fail me at this point ..."

_Ahem ... while those two enjoy themselves, Alpharius is busy enjoying well-deserved rest. Has he finished all that Pie May has set him, or is his __**real**__ test yet to come?_

**Alpharius:** "Dude ... **not** funny – that field nearly killed me!"

_What evil awaits Mortarion, who managed to prolong his ordeal by a whole chapter via mundane monologue? Speaking of evil, what is this that Tzeentch and Falal bring to the table? Not Lorgar's table, mind you ... that's still got their dinner on it (getting quite cold by now I would think ...)._

**Magnus:** "T! Falal!"

_The two gods run up to the monstrous form of the Primarch and hug his legs (they just barely reach his knee, it should be added. I hope I've made it clear Magnus' Daemonic form is __**large**__). _

**Tzeentch:** "Magnus! You traversed the fourth dimension without me!"

**Falal:** "And me! Dammit Magnus **I **wanted to screw up the continuum!"

**Magnus:** "Sorry, didn't realise we would be travelling to a future filled with J-pop and hyper-active under age girls!"

**Perturabo:** _Gazing at the scene with barely controlled envy._ "Words cannot begin to describe how **unfair** this whole thing is"

**Vulkan:** _Laughs and slaps Perturabo on the thigh (this isn't creepy, that's as high as he can reach. Perturabo is also quite large ... and largely made of metal by now). _"Relax Pert. Let Magnus have his well-deserved fun ... and I don't know why **you're** looking like that Russ. How many women can you claim?"

**Russ:** _Thinks for a moment._ "Do those Siamese twins count as one or two girls?"

**Perturabo:** "Two"

**Russ:** "Then about ... fifty ... odd ... thousand methinks ... yeah, that's about right"

**Perturabo:** _Is silent for some time, then eventually mutters_. "I hate you so much"

**Vulkan:** "Relax; not all of us can paint an entire Skaven tournament army in a single night, and have it looking so good most of the 'Eavy Metal team broke down in tears upon seeing it and burnt all what they had been working on because it could never look as good"

**Perturabo:** "Well ... that is true ... the shining moment of my life I believe"

**Vulkan:** "Aside from the Iron Cage"

**Perturabo:** "Of course. That **was** a laugh ..."

**Vulkan:** "Dorn didn't find it very amusing"

**Perturabo:** "Dorn has no sense of humour"

**Dorn:**_ Approaching from the kitchens, where he had been spending quality time laughing at Sanguinius. "_What was that?"

**Perturabo:** "Absolutely nothing that might incriminate me in further anti-Imperial Fist activities"

**Dorn:** "Well ... good ... I suppose ..."

**Konrad:** "YOU!" _He rushes down the hill from where he had been meditating at the end of last chapter. _

**Tzeentch:** "Who's he talking to?"

**Konrad:** _Reaching them and pausing for a microsecond to catch his breath._ "The other one, you!"

**Falal:** "Ah, he's talking to **me**"

**Konrad:** "I saw you in a dream I had, a dream of a future ... a dark future ... where death is around ever corner ... hope is but the dream of the foolish ... and war engulfs all ..."

**Magnus:** "What are you insinuating Konrad?"

**Konrad:** _Grabs Falal by the shoulders._ "She's the one! She'll bring what we seek!"

**Dorn:** "What? Make sense man!"

**Konrad:** "Our grim darkness! The insanity! The nightmare far future! I have seen its return! This girl is the key! The key to bring it all back!"

**Falal:**_ Grinning. "_See T? You should have never banished me – I'm **important **bitch!"

**Tzeentch:** "Oh **please ...** I engineered this whole thing so you could come in and save the day and everyone else would welcome you back with open arms"

**Falal:** "I'm never sure whether you're just bullshitting or you **actually** planned all this"

**Tzeentch:** "Oh don't you just want to know ..." _She leans closer to Falal._ "But just between you and me girl ... just ... as ... fething ... planned"

**Perturabo:** "Could you do that again?"

**Tzeentch:** "?"

**Perturabo:** "Lean close to her- argh! Why did you slap me like that?"

**Magnus:** "Those are my girlfriends you're talking about ... wow ... using the plural feels awesome ..."

**Perturabo:** "Yeah, rub it in why don't you? Some of us only have miniatures to go home to"

**Vulkan:** "**Golden Daemon** winning miniatures"

**Perturabo:** "True ..."

_Lorgar appears from seemingly nowhere in a blinding flash._

**Dorn:** "Careful with those teleporters! A little to the left and I'll be cleaning you off my armour!"

**Lorgar:** "Sorry about that Rogal, where's that little git?"

**Pie May:** "Returned have we?"

_Everyone jumps, except Tzeentch (who probably knew it was going to happen)._

**Dorn:** "Where the **hell** did you come from?"

**Pie May:** "Matters not; soon you will be united, and the real training shall begin!"

**Lorgar:** "Excuse me? But we're all already here!"

**Pie May:** "Not quite ... two are missing. They approach with due haste ..."

**Konrad:** "What? Carl's coming here?"

**Magnus:** "Forget Carl ... **she's** coming as well ..."

_The Primarchs all simultaneously shudder._

**Falal:** "What's this? Who's coming? Did you say '**she'**?"

**Lorgar:** "Oh yes. The biggest secret in the 40K universe, hidden to prevent nerd rage and fluff nazis from tearing it apart in blind fury. Nineteen brothers, and one sister ... designed so dad wouldn't have to suffer the wrath of feminists who would claim an all-male Astartes sexist. Only ..."

**Perturabo:** "She turned out to be **too** effective. A lot more adept at mass genocide than a man in ways only a woman could be ..."

**Lorgar:** "Indeed. In order to avoid embarrassing the entire gender dad had her locked up somewhere out of sight and liquidated her legion. Then ordered that girls be given only a single army in the form of Sister of Battle. Xenos didn't count, as they're not Space Marines"

**Magnus:** "Oh dear ... we get to see sis again ... dear, darling Hecate ..."

_They shudder again._

**Dorn:** "We're all going to **die**"


	77. Chapter LXXVII

_Our heroes, the every-reliable (in the sense we can rely on them to be unreliable) Primarchs, stand united at the side of a large landing pad built into the side of the mountain a mere mile from Doga's villa complex._

**Lorgar:** "If you had this, why did we spend weeks walking here from the grasslands below?" _He nods in the direction of the great flat stretch of land miles to the south of the mountains. _

**Pie May:** "This way amused me"

_They look up as the sound of an approaching Thunderhawk heralds the arrival of the reason why the Primarchs have gathered together, taking a moment of peace from their hellish training._

**Sanguinius:** _Staring at his hands._ "My beautiful skin ... soiled by dirty dishwater!"

**Vulkan:** "Pull yourself together man!"

**Horus:** "Heads up guys; hell approaches"

_The Thunderhawk touches down in front of them, and after a few moments the ramp lowers. Footsteps sound, and the Primarchs hold their collective breaths ..._

**Carl:** "Hey guys! How's it hanging? Look – I bought some booze and weed ... anyone know of a good place we can crash?"

**Horus:** "Oh thank the Gods ... it's just you ... hey long time no see Carl-"

**?: **"HORUS, YOU UTTER FAILURE OF A MAN, WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?"

_Magnus stands in amazement as he realises he's alone on the landing pad. Everyone else seems to have vanished from sight (except Pie May, who stands beside him with a huge grin on his face, and Aerith who stands looking bemused next to Cypher, who merely looks confused. Falal and Tzeentch stand to one side with popcorn (no idea where that came from)). _

**Magnus:** "Guys; don't hide **behind **me!"

**Horus:** _His voice muffled from squeezing alongside his brothers behind Magnus' large bulk (the other Daemon Primarchs are making admirable attempts to hide their own, huge bulk). _"Well you're large enough!"

_Carl jumps out of the way as a large Amazonian figure of a woman strides down the Thunderhawk's ramp clad in brilliant white armour and carrying a sword of Dreadnought-sized proportions on her back._

**Aerith:** _Taking a photo of Hecate with her camera._ "Wait until I show Cloud that sword; he'll be in depression for weeks!"

**Cypher:** "You can be exceedingly cruel when you want, you know that?"

**Hecate:** _Striding up to Magnus._ "What the **hell** have you become Magnus?"

_**Magnus:**__ Squirming in embarrassment. "_Er ... a Daemon Prince sis ..."

**Hecate:** "You look **ridiculous. **What's with the single eye? Going for a Cyclops look? You know how much of a bulls-eye that is?" _She flicks it with her fingers, Magnus recoils in pain._ "What's with all this fat? Have you been neglecting your training?"

**Magnus:** "No it's shitty 90s sculpting!"

**Hecate:** "That's no excuse! And the rest of you can come out from behind this big oaf – I know you're hiding behind there Horus, I can practically smell the failure!"

**Horus:** _Slowly creeping out._ "That's a bit harsh ..."

**Hecate:** "Warmaster! Dad made **you** Warmaster! And what do you do? You go prancing off to those hussies-" _Jerks a finger over her shoulder to Falal and Tzeentch, who throw her looks that could slay legions._ "-as a way of gratitude. **Nice work genius**. By the Truth, dad always said you had more muscles than brain in that sorry excuse for a hyper-genetically engineered body of yours"

**Horus:** "Hey ... er ... look. While you've been-"

**Hecate:** "Imprisoned?"

**Horus:** "-er ... yeah ... that ... while you've been there I've been conquering the galaxy! I almost beat up the old man!"

**Hecate:** "**Almost** being the word of choice. Sums you up quite nicely Horus. **Almost**"

**Horus:** "Look here sister-"

_Hecate swings the sword up in a broad circle to meet Horus' groin. There's a sickening thud as a force capable of destroying mountains collides between the Primarch's legs. Every man within sight winces in excruciating pain (which is probably nothing compared to what Horus is now feeling). Horus himself collapses backwards, clutching his balls._

**Dorn:** "Between the legs – a Space Marine's **only** weak spot!"

**Hecate:** "Don't back-chat me ... right. What do the rest of you have to say for yourselves?"

**Mortarion:** "Please don't hurt us!"

**Perturabo:** "Good Gods man, grow some backbone"

**Hecate:** _Counting heads._ "Where's that big blue failure?"

**Alpharius:** "We lost him through a Necrontyr portal ... sometime several hundred years ago ..." _He shuffles around, now quite uncomfortable under his sister's penetrating stare._

**Hecate:** "How very careless of you Omegon"

**Alpharius:** "Who? I'm afraid I've no idea what you're talking about"

**Hecate:** _She sighs and swings her sword around; hurling it at a nearby tree. There's a cry and someone large falls out. _"There you are Alpharius"

**Alpharius:** _Rubbing his head, where the sword hit. _"Ouch ... that hurt. Thanks sis ..."

_Hecate catches the sword as it returns to her. _

**Horus:** "Holy crap! There's **two** of them?"

**Hecate:** "Of course you fool! Where the hell have you lot been all these years?"

**Vulkan:** "Blind obviously ... so that explains how you could be everywhere so easy ..."

_Omegon and Alpharius stand next to each other, looking quite sheepish._

**Omegon:** "Gig's up man"

**Alpharius:** "Yeah ... it was fun while it lasted ..."

**Horus:** "Wait ... so that makes twenty-one Primarchs ... erm ..."

**Alpharius:** "Me and O share the Legion"

**Omegon:** "And clothes, and food, and girls ..."

**Alpharius:** "Dude ... **too far**"

**Pie May:** "Now we are **all** together, secret unknown twins included, let us celebrate with a drink!"

_The Primarchs cheer up at the thought, and ignoring Hecate's disproving stare rush to take a cup of beverage from Aerith. _

**Pie May:** "A toast! To your Primarchs!"

_They all cheer, and down their drinks (Hecate included, albeit reluctantly). Suddenly, they fall to the ground unconscious._

**Pie May:** "Too easy ..."

**Abaddon:** "My lord?"

_Horus opens his eyes to stare into the collective faces of Abaddon, Torgaddon, Loken; in fact the whole of his old officers of the Luna Wolves all staring at him in worry. He looks around to find the environment strikingly familiar._

**Horus:** "Where am I?"

**Abaddon:** "Aboard the _Vengeful Spirit_ sir ... may I inquire as to how you feel?"

**Horus:** "What happened?"

**Loken:** "My lord ... we've arrived at Terra ... the Emperor wishes to see you, to congratulate you on your success"

**Horus:** "My success? What happened? Speak Garviel!"

**Loken:** _Taken aback by the sudden change in his Primarch's behaviour._ "My lord ... we've ended ... the Great Crusade has ended ... the galaxy has been unified by the Imperial Truth ..."

**Abaddon:** "The Imperium of Man dominates the galaxy, and it's because of you ... Warmaster"

**Aximand:** "My lord? Are you still feeling the effects of your wound on Davin?"

**Horus:** "Davin?"

**Abaddon:** "You were wounded by the traitor Erebus"

**Aximand:** "His fellow Word Bearers are to be publicly executed in honour of your achievements. Lorgar himself awaits your judgement for his crime"

**Horus: **_Stares at his hands. _"Yes ... it was just a dream ... an unpleasant dream ..." _He looks up, and notices a familiar hooded woman at the back of the room watching him. She raises a finger to her lips and smiles, before disappearing from sight._ "... a dream"


	78. Chapter LXXVIII

_Thousands line the streets, and millions more squeeze themselves into the vast plaza leading to the gates of the Imperial Palace. Giant statues of nineteen Primarchs stare down at the throngs assembled below them. One Primarch is conspicuous in his absence; the statue of Lorgar having been taken down many centuries ago after his attempt on Horus' life. It currently resides in a large warehouse along with the Ark of the Covenant and Rosebud._

_A Thunderhawk approaches the stone plateau above the crowds, escorted by Imperial Thunderbolts in formation. The boarding ramp lowers, and several Luna Wolves march down and line themselves either side of the ramp. Saluting their Primarch, they watch with barely constrained pride as Horus walks down the ramp to greet the shining gold figure that radiates such extreme AWESOME that many watching shield their eyes lest their minds explode. _

**Horus:** "Father!" _He greets the EMPEROR OF MANKIND! Initially with the Aquilla salute, then wraps his arms around his dad in a manly hug (like a normal hug, but with lots of back-slapping so both participants can assure themselves that they're not gay). _

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"My son, my Warmaster ... my Horus. You have given me the galaxy"

**Horus:** "As I promised dad. We planted flags on every world in the known galaxy"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"Flags eh? How devilishly cunning of you! Lets see those sneaky Eldar get past good old fashioned flags!"

**Sanguinius:** _Approaching the two from where he had stood behind the EMPEROR OF MANKIND! with his brothers. He shakes Horus' hand._ "Nice work bro. Unfortunately you lost the bet"

**Horus:** "What? Who won?"

**Sanguinius:** _Jerking his head back over his shoulders, getting a mouthful of feathers in the process. _"Alpharius, somehow he managed to conquer twice as many worlds as any one of us!"

**Horus:** "How did he manage that, I wonder?"

**Sanguinius:** "You know our brother; he's manipulative tricks know no bounds. He probably tricked them all into conquering themselves. Predictably, however, Carl came last. He managed a total of one single planet, and that's only because it contained abundant plant life that, when smoked, provided excellent hallucinogenic properties"

**Horus: **_Laughs. _"Come brother! Tell me more over a good old fashioned pint!"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"An excellent idea! Malcador!"

**Malcador:** _Appearing from seemingly nowhere._ "Yes, my lord?"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"Order pizza! With extra garlic bread, and none of that 'low-fat toppings' nonsense!"

**Malcador:** "I shall see to it that they have the finest toppings with Imperial-approved crusts"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"Good man, now come my sons ... and you too Hecate dear – now don't give me that look – let us celebrate!"

**Hecate:** _Whispering to Malcador._ "Diet coke please, and hold back on the anchovies; they go straight to my hips"

**Malcador:** "Yes my lady" _Waits until they depart before rolling his eyes and signalling various scribes and Adeptus minions to do his bidding._

_**Several hours later ...**_

_The Primarchs are settled back in their own personal cinema, toasting victory with large amounts of pizza (twice the average intake of the USA in fast food lies around them), and knocking back enough alcohol to kill Ireland five times over. _

**Dorn:** "You know ... given the choice ... I think I'll go for Natalie Portman ..."

**Perturabo:** "What? Scarlett Johansson, all the way. What fool goes for Portman?"

**Magnus:** "I'm going to have to agree with Dorn here; know how many languages she speaks?*"

**Konrad:** "Magnus does have a soft spot for the intelligent girls doesn't he?"

_We pull back from these Primarchs to where Horus sits alone near the back of the cinema, deep in thought. He looks up to see Sanguinius approaching. _

**Sanguinius:** "Throne for your thoughts, brother?" _[Author's Note: He's referring to the general currency of the Imperium, not the Webway-blocking PLOT DEVICE]_

**Horus:** "I had the strangest dream on the way back from the Halo Stars ... so vivid ..."

**Sanguinius: **_Sitting down beside Horus, throwing aside the empty drinks cartons and pizza boxes._ "Tell me about it"

**Horus:** "I dreamt Erebus succeeded in turning me traitor, through poor dialogue and clumsy narrative. I dreamt my personality was reduced to a single dimension, and I rampaged across the Imperium turning my brothers to Chaos, or turning them against me ... I dreamed ... I dreamed I killed you"

**Sanguinius:** "Must have been a dream brother; we both know you're shit in combat" _He laughs._

**Horus:** "Cheers San ... it was so vivid ... as if I was there ... and it had happened ..."

**Sanguinius:** "Sounds like the plot of a bad sci-fi franchise ..."

**Horus:** "Says the guy with angel wings on his back and a complete lack of aerodynamics"

**Sanguinius:** "I can fly!"

**Horus:** "No, you **fall** with **style**. A difference, dear brother ..." _He sighs._ "I can't get this dream out of my head ... or that girl ..."

**Sanguinius:** "Oh dear ... have you fallen in love dear brother?"

**Horus:** "No ... haven't found a woman who can keep up with me yet ... no she was **different** ... I mean ... strange ... like she wasn't Human ... but she was ..."

**Sanguinius:** "You make absolutely no sense brother. I suggest taking an early night – without any women – and give yourself a chance to unwind. You've been on edge ever since Erebus tried to kill you with that PLOT DEVICE and that was **centuries **ago ..."

**Horus:** "Yeah ... I think I'll go for a walk ... take some fresh air" _He stands up and walks out the cinema._

_Horus does indeed take some fresh air, as he walks around the hundred-odd mile length of the general Imperial Palace walls (uppermost tier, the lower tiers have walls even longer. The Palace does cover most of Europe, after all). After an hour or so he becomes aware of someone following him, turning around he sees a cloaked woman standing some fifty feet behind him._

**Horus:** "You!"

_She turns around and runs off._

**Horus:** "Wait! Who are you!" _He begins to run after her._

_After a while he realises she's leading him somewhere, and he follows her through the labyrinthine passages and corridors of the Imperial Palace, going deeper and deeper into its dark underbelly. Eventually he enters a narrow tunnel deep underneath the palace. No one is in sight except the strange woman, who points to one of the many doors leading off either side of the corridor. _

_Horus walks up to the door._

**Woman:** "He's waiting in there. You have questions; he can answer them for you"

**Horus:** "Who are you?"

**Woman:** _Turning away. _"That's not an important question"

_She vanishes from sight; one moment there, the next gone. Horus turns his attention to the door, and realises he's standing outside a cell. A simple steel bolt keeps the door closed. Turning it aside, Horus steps through ..._

_... onto a beach. Waves lap lazily against the shore. _

**?:** "Hey, welcome to 'paradise'"

_Horus turns to see a familiar face lying in a deckchair underneath a red and white umbrella. _

**Horus:** "Lorgar?"

**Lorgar:** "Long time no see brother. I see you've got clearance, otherwise you would have been disintegrated after you opened that door. It's not real, you see. None of this is. We're actually just standing alone in a damp room somewhere underneath the Imperial Palace. **This**-" _He gestures around at the ocean._ "-is all in our minds. An illusion created by Malcador, the little shit"

**Horus:** "Malcador? Why? I thought he just ran the Administratum?"

**Lorgar:** "Good Gods no, Horus. Malcador's running the Imperium right under dad's nose"

**Horus:** "What are you saying brother? That Malcador's a traitor? Fine words coming from **you**"

**Lorgar:** "I don't apologise for what I did Horus. You'd understand if Graham McNeil had written _False Gods_ better ... suffice to say my eyes are open. I see what dark forces are at work here ... and it's not some Lovecraftian extra-dimensional entities eager to enslave us and syphon off our emotions. It's far worse ..."

**Horus:** "What is it? What are you talking about?"

**Lorgar:** _Takes a sip of some delicious cocktail (with a small Hawaiian umbrella). _"We're meeting target demographic"

varying forms of fluency


	79. Chapter LXXIX

_Horus and Lorgar sit on a beach that's not real, knocking back beer cans that are all in their minds, taken from a portable freezer that wasn't there last chapter, all the while watching the sun set over a horizon that doesn't exist. With me so far? _

**Horus:** "So what's this all about, Lorgar? Why try and kill me?"

**Lorgar:** "I wasn't trying to kill you. I was trying to convert you"

**Horus:** "Then why not just **ask** me? Why the elaborate set-up? Why not just sit down with some explanatory pamphlets and gently guide me through the benefits and opportunities presented with Chaos worship? Why go through all the hassle of stealing a conveniently powerful sword that apparently is my **only weakness** (obviously they haven't heard about my pretzel addiction) and luring me a single moon with the sole intention of hurting me just enough that I **don't die**, then rely on apparently the only surviving chaos cult lodge in existence to place me into a trance where your best Chaplain, Erebus, can spend a pitiful amount of page space convincing me to 'join the dark side' with nothing more substantial than 'we have cookies'"

**Lorgar:** _Has been nodding almost non-stop throughout Horus' monologue. _"Yeah ... that's about it"

**Horus:** "Again, isn't that a little **too **complex (yet at the same time absurdly simple)?"

**Lorgar:** "Hey I was drunk at the time, you can't expect me to come up with a Herbert-esque labyrinthine plot that spans generations and involves no less than me, my son-turned-god-like-emperor, **his** descendants, and the clones of my best friend, all when I'm knocking back Guinness like it's not in the next Codex"

**Horus:** "Who **is** your best friend?"

**Lorgar:** _Opens his mouth to speak, then closes it as the thought occurs to him._ "Guess I don't have any friends"_ He says finally._

**Horus:** "Guess I don't either. Abaddon's got his nose stuck so far up my ass I swear when I open my mouth it's **him** speaking out of it, while Aximand's got less personality than two planks of wood stuck together with sticky-back-plastic. Torgaddon's useless at anything remotely resembling responsibility – I swear if anyone was foolish enough to place him in charge of security on board the _Vengeful Spirit_ we'll have Eldar Farseers walking into the command chamber unchallenged"

**Lorgar:** "And Loken?"

**Horus:** "Brother – give me a break. He's so goody-goody you could cut and paste him into the _Star _Wars universe and wouldn't notice the difference. I swear he would burst into tears if he found a fallen sparrow with a broken wing"

**Lorgar:** "Heh ... as I said; we're meeting target demographic"

**Horus:** "You say that again, and I still have no idea what you mean!"

**Lorgar:** "You spend years building a harsh, unforgiving universe filled with violence and brutality, and then you realise your most profitable demographic is but little Jimmy and his mum-turned-bottomless-pit-of-cash. She's not too happy with little Jimmy playing a game whose background includes vicious genetically engineered, hyno-doctrined killing machines, so obviously something needs to be done"

**Horus:** "And that would be?"

**Lorgar: **"Happy Space Marines. Take away their inhumanity, add some nobility and honour, some sense of right and wrong. Now suddenly it's OK for little Jimmy to play his Space Marines, because they're the **good guys**"

**Horus:** "But they are! We're creating a galaxy for the better of Humanity!"

**Lorgar:** "At the expense of other species; but it's OK because they're all evil to the bone"

**Horus:** "Yeah, and they're xenos"

**Lorgar:** "Which makes them inferior?"

**Horus:** "Damn straight! They eat without a knife and fork! They slurp the bottom of coke cups with a straw! They're uncivilised and probably enjoy daytime TV! The galaxy is better off without them!"

**Lorgar:** "Good, keep thinking that. Strength of mind is important; consideration to the alien, and the contemplation that maybe Humanity and it can co-exist peacefully leads to the evil that is _Star Trek_. We're not the Federation, Horus; we're the freaking Imperium. What were we created to do?"

**Horus:** "Lead"

**Lorgar:** "Lead in what? In cake mixing? In school ethics? In championship miniature painter of the year?"

**Horus:** "In battle"

**Lorgar:** "Damn straight Horus. We're lords of war. We're soldiers without pier. We're **tools**"

**Horus:** "What?"

**Lorgar:** "Think about it Horus; what happens after war ends? Where do we go? I'll answer it for you – we'll become an embarrassment. Politicians will decry our existence as we earn a meek living doing interviews on daytime TV chat shows. We're immortal Horus, but war is not. War will eventually end, by our hand or our enemy's"

**Horus:** "You've got a point. But what's your solution?"

**Lorgar:** _Smiles. _"We keep the ball rolling. We need war, Horus. We need the continual bloody annihilation of sentient life in the name of pitiful concepts no one really cares about but those safe in their fortresses hidden behind the billions of 1 wound meat shields they've formed around them. We need war to survive, to continue to provide us with meaning. Without meaning, Horus, what are we? We're redundant tools of an era long gone, and I have no desire to become redundant"

**Horus:** "We need war"

**Lorgar:** "We need enemies. We need to fight them. The Orks, bless their green socks, have but one thing right in their existence; they don't concern themselves about politics, employment opportunities, or whether that girl on the other side of the bar has been trying to get your attention all evening and you're just too stupid to notice (although that's mainly because they're all fungus anyway). They fight. They have their existence down to a perfect concept, one free of complication. They live for war. They're like us Horus. We were designed, engineered, and created to fight. We weren't designed to be politics, and engage lengthy discussions about the correct tithes to demand from Imperial worlds. We're designed to crush them under our hands like a small glove"

**Horus:** "That's why you turned traitor?"

**Lorgar:** "What? No. I turned 'traitor', in you insist on calling me that, simply because Chaos provided me with what I needed; to combine my purpose and desire in one. An altar of war where I could slay endlessly as a sign of my devotion to a higher cause. Now all that's in crisis"

**Horus:** "By what?"

**Lorgar:** "Meeting-"

**Horus:** "-target demographic. So what; you're being dumbed down?"

**Lorgar: **"I don't feel like a three-dimensional being any more Horus. My mind is becoming smaller, and my thoughts occupy less than what they used to. Once I stared at the stars and debated the concept of free will versus predestination ... now all I think about is stabbing people with sharp objects. I'm being simplified to an archetype ... of stabbing things with sharp objects ..."

_**?:**__ "This is what could be ... should you fail"_

**Horus:** "Who said that?" _He stands up and looks around._ "Where are you?"

**Lorgar:** "Who are you talking to, Horus?"

**Horus:** _Looks down at Lorgar._ "What is happening, brother? I keep seeing strange figures ... hearing voices in my head ..."

**Lorgar:** "Oh good Chaos is trying to convert you. Embrace it brother!"

**Horus:** "This is ... is this Chaos?"

_**?:**__ "Don't be silly. I'm not sitting here next to your unconscious lump sipping green tea for no good reason! This is your dream, Horus ... a world where you succeeded! Your perfect world! Yet you're not happy ... are you?"_

**Horus:** "No ... this isn't ... this isn't right. Something's missing ..."

_**?:**__ "Then find it Horus! Find what's preventing you from becoming what you must! What you are destined to be! Your __**purpose**__!"_

**Horus:** _Begins to walk away, brimming with intention. _"My purpose"

**Lorgar:** "Er ... exit's that way"


	80. Chapter LXXX

_Horus strides across the empty walkway with purpose and determi-_

_THWAMP!_

_One lamp post later, Horus resumes his striding across the empty walkway with purpose and determin-_

_MEOAWW! THWAMP!_

_One squashed cat and a lamp post later, Horus resumes his striding across the empty walkway with purpose and determ-_

**Hecate:** "BROTHER!"

_Shall I give up now? Shoving something large into the darkness behind one of the many support beams for the walkway (covered, as per Imperial architecture demands, with angels and gargoyles, and a fair amount of skulls to increase the cheerful and optimistic atmosphere) and turns to greet her brother._

**Hecate:** "I didn't expect to see you out here so late at night. Had another nightmare?"

**Horus:** "What are you talking about?"

**Hecate:** "I remember when we were young you would have nightmares in your test tube, and would make a lot of noise banging on the Absolutely Unbreakable Glass. I was the only one that could quieten you. Often by threatening to come in there and wring your scrawny little neck"

**Horus:** "My neck was never scrawny. I oozed command and authority from a single cell onwards. Anyway what the hell are **you** doing out here this late?"

**Hecate:** "Lets not go there. Warmaster or not I can still damage you in ways the Black Library can't mention in their PG-13 guidelines"

**Horus:** "Touché. I'll leave you to it"

**Hecate:** "Wait ... are you sure you're OK? You know you can talk to me any time there's something bothering you"

**Horus:** "Are you trying that 'big sis' persona again? You know what happened last time – Konrad hasn't fully recovered and Khan still can't change his facial expression past 'penetrating gaze'"

**Hecate:** "Hey, I **try**. It's more than you guys can claim. We're supposed to be **family** Horus, but none of us really talk to each other any more. Who else do we have? The Astartes? They contest amongst each other twenty-four-seven to see who can shove their noses up our asses the furthest. Don't even get me started on my girls; they make cheerleaders look stable and compassionate"

**Horus:** "Yeah ... they **scare** me ..."

**Hecate:** "My point is Horus; we're super-special-awesome-Gods-amongst-men (and women). Who do we have to talk about mundane issues on a level basis? Dad? He's too busy buying webway real estate off the Eldar to give much of a crap. That leaves ... no one"

**Horus:** "Well ... when you put it like that ..."

**Hecate:** "So what's bothering you?"

**Horus:** "Hec, I think this is entirely a constract of my imagination forced upon me by a squat old dude on some backward world in a far future where our owning company has been bought up by a Japanese games production company and merged into their most successful license (although thank the gods it wasn't _Dragon Quest_). I think I need to find some sort of character development to pass this test and obtain ultimate bad ass power"

**Hecate:** _A moment of silence._ "Right ... on second thoughts perhaps you need a psychiatrist"

**Horus:** "I thought you were going to say that ... have fun with Tarik" _He walks off, with purpose and ... oh screw it he'll probably just hit another lamp post unless I guide him through every freaking corridor ..._

_When he disappears from sight Tarik Torgaddon leaves the shadows where he had been hiding (where Hecate pushed him earlier)._

**Torgaddon:** "How did he know I was here?"

**Hecate:** "Who cares?" _She grabs him and pushes him into the shadows, only she follows this time._

_Malcador sits in an empty office casually talking on a hand-vox. His doors burst open and Horus strides through with purpose and intent (and avoids the lamp post)._

**Horus:** "Malcador you sn-"

_Malcador holds up one finger, continuing to talk on the hand-vox._

**Horus:** "Oh ... sorry ... shall I wait here?" _Malcador nods. _"OK ... ooh is this week's issue of _Cosmopolitan_? I wonder if ... oh dammit Eldrad's still number one again ..."

**Malcador:** "That's awesome. Cheers babe. Catch you later ..." _Puts the hand-vox away._ "Sorry about that. Damn Chaos Gods are complete bitches to work with, you know what I mean? Oh ... no wait ... you **don't.** 'cause you **failed**"

**Horus:** "What are you talking about?"

**Malcador:** _Spreads his arms around. _"Look around you shits-for-brains – is this what you wanted? A galaxy under one rule; united in endless red tape and petty bureaucracy? In the grim darkness of the far future there is only clauses and fine print on your latest parking ticket! This isn't for you Horus! You're a **warrior**! A lord of battle! Someone who stands at the front of large armies and screams 'THIS IS SPARTA' at the tops of their voices ... only it won't be Sparta ... probably Terra ... but you get my point"

**Horus:** "Lorgar says-"

**Malcador:** "Lorgar says a lot, mainly because he's always been your super-ego; your voice of reason for want of a better term" _He points to himself._ "Consider me your Id. I'm here to tell you to do what you want to do ... what you do **best** – kill and command"

**Lorgar:** "But kill what? And command whom? These are your choices to make, and ones to make wisely"

**Horus:** "Where did you come from?"

**Hecate:** "Ultimately you have the power and responsibility to decide for yourself – no one can truly tell you what choices you need to make. That's why dad made you Warmaster, because he believed you would make the right choices"

**Malcador: **"And you did! You sided with Chaos! You chose to continue war instead of bringing peace! A choice any warrior would have made!"

**Lorgar:** "You chose to satisfy yourself above others. To ensure none would command your obedience. You chose true personal freedom above servitude"

**Malcador:** "That's what they fear! They fear what you have become! They fear the true freedom of Chaos – beyond mere rules and laws created by mortal creatures to regulate and sustain their pitiful existence! You are beyond mortality – you are a **Primarch!** No other force could satisfy your desire for a boundless existence!"

**Hecate:** "But with great power comes ... what Uncle Ben said at any rate. Every action you make carries consequences. The Heresy was a choice, and you paid the consequence for that choice. Now you stand upon the brink of another, and the choice must be made again"

**Malcador:** "But it's simple – do what you have always done! Kill! Slaughter! Command! Conquer! These are the reasons for your existence! The dominion of a Primarch!"

**Lorgar:** "Pay heed to every death. Understand the consequences of what you choose. Only you can truly understand and appreciate the reactions to every action you take. This is also the dominion of a Primarch!"

**Hecate:** "But above all – understand and be true to yourself. Dad made you Warmaster, he knew what choices you would make"

**Horus:** _Crouches to the floor as everything overwhelms him. Eventually the voices fade. _"Yes ... I am Warmaster ... I was not made for peace ... I was not made for the world my father saw ... my world is in endless bloodshed ... my world is the crucible of war ... my world is the grim darkness of the far future ..."

_The dream around him fades, and Horus finds himself lying in a field not far from the landing pad where he fell unconscious. Without a word he steps to his feet, and ignores Pie May who watches him with interest. Without a word he walks to the adamantium wall he has been trying to punch through for the last few chapters. Without a word, he places his fist a mere inch from its smooth surface._

_Without a word he smashes it straight into the metal. Rifts spread through the wall, and it collapses around him. As the dust settles, Horus turns around to regard a pleased Pie May._

**Horus:** "I am Horus, Warmaster of Chaos. I bow to none but lords of war. Where my blade falls, death follows. Where my blade points; legions conquer. Dark has my dreams been of late, filled with moral values and family-friendly entertainment. No longer will this plague my domain! The grim darkness of the far future shall return, by my command!"

_There is silence, as everyone stands in AWE at this AWESOMENESS._

**Ferrus:** "Dude ... friggin' awesome ..."

**Perturabo:** "Way to spoil the moment Ferrus ... way to spoil the moment ..."


	81. Chapter LXXXI

_The Primarchs stand united in the gardens of Pie May's abode, laughing and joking with each other in a manner not seen since they stood united before the Emperor's Palace at the height of the Great Crusade (before buggering off for pizza and copious amounts of alcohol). _

**Aerith:** "Tea anyone? Nice warm herbal tea!"

**Horus:** _Graciously accepts one from the tray she carries. "_Why thank you my dear, I shall enjoy this immensely"

_Aerith blushes deep red (almost matching her clothes) and hurries away, pausing only to mutter to Lorgar as she passes by him._

**Aerith:** "Good gods, look at me – blushing like a schoolgirl"

_Lorgar chuckles to himself as he watches her resume her tea service to the other Primarchs, before gently walking up beside Horus._

**Lorgar:** "See the old Horus charm is back in force"

**Horus:** "Almost; we're not quite to the level of Ezekyle stumbling upon me with **every** female Remembrancer posted to our fleet"

**Lorgar:** "That I don't believe ... didn't you kill them all anyway?"

**Horus:** "Only the guys. The girls I had shot with tranquillizer bolt rounds"

**Lorgar:** "Now I know you're making this all up – how do you load a bolt round with tranquillizer?"

**Horus:** "Ah, now that would be telling wouldn't it?"

**Lorgar:** "Sometimes I'm not sure when you're acting dumb, or when you want me to **think** you're acting dumb ..."

**Horus:** "Such is the mastery of the Warmaster, even he cannot know for certain!" _Smiles, then approaches Angron, Khan and Russ and wraps them all into a large bear hug. _"C'mere guys!"

**Ferrus:** "So we all had our own dreams? Our own little mind-screws?"

**Lorgar:** "Apparently. Whatever was in that tea Pie May insisted we drink was a potent hallucinogenic, and I might add could very well be Chaos-blessed"

**Ferrus:** "Don't you too start with that 'Chaos did it' crap we always seem to get"

**Lorgar:** "You're right, my apologies. I'll try and think up something more original for an explanation ... maybe-"

**Ferrus: **"No C'tan either"

**Pie May:** "Speaking of which, I believe the time has come for you to face your foes"

**Dorn:** "About fucking time too! We've been on this crappy summer campaign mega-arc since Chapter 12!"

**Angron:** "I agree with my anally penetrative continuous tree detritus gifted brother here"

**Dorn:** "Yeah – wait ... what?"

**Perturabo:** "Now I'm interested as to what Angron's dream was all about ..."

**Pie May:** "There will be room for that in future Side Stories – for now the final confrontation awaits! Primarchs – close your eyes ... summon the energy ... but picture your foe ... the time of his demise ... let your minds be clear of all else but this!"

_As he speaks, the Primarchs close their eyes and picture with their finely-honed minds the C'tan at the birth of their rise to power as the gods of the Necrontyr. The air becomes still, then there is a rush of energy, a flash of light, and the Primarchs vanish from sight. _

**Aerith:** "Do you think they can do it?"

**Pie May:** "Do so, they must. Only hope, they unfortunately are"

_Several million years earlier ..._

_Necrontyr Scientists work around a slowly collating pillar of energy, being drawn through the open roof from the skies above into a metallic body._

**Doomed Necrontyr Scientist:** "It's alive! It's alive! MWAHAHAHA!"

**Another Doomed Necrontyr Scientist:** "Of course it's alive Rob. Didn't you get the briefing last Thursday? These things are our ticket against those snooty Old Ones. Laugh at our sport why don't they? What's so superior about their 'football' anyway? There's no foot-meeting-ball action! They spend most the game with the damn ball – and it isn't even spherical – tucked under their arms running about in kevlar body armour!"

**Doomed Necrontyr Scientist:** "I agree Pat. Bloody ridiculous if you ask me. Asking that **we** rename **our** football to 'soccer'? That's taking the bloody biscuit"

**Nightbringer:** "Not wishing to sound ungrateful ... but could you hurry up? We've been packing me into this damn thing for the last week and a half!"

**Doomed Necrontyr Scientist:** "It speaks!"

**Another Doomed Necrontyr Scientist:** "Of course it does ... where **were** you last Thursday?"

**Doomed Necrontyr Scientist:** "None of your business"

**Nightbringer:** "Oh he was around Susan's house making hot sweaty sex with her on the roof"

**Doomed Necrontyr Scientist:** "What! Lies! How do you know anyway?"

**Nightbringer:** "Half of me is still stretching five hundred miles out into space – you'll be amazed what you can see from up there ..."

**Another Doomed Necrontyr Scientist: **"Is this true Rob? I thought you loved **me**? What about that time in the tombs last week?"

**Doomed Necrontyr Scientist:** "Look Pat, it's nothing personal ... but there's just nothing between us ... I was just in it for the sex"

**Nightbringer:** "Far be it for a timeless energy being such as myself to comment upon the miserable reproductive and social lives of mere mortal corporeal creatures, but I think that was a **bad move** on your part"

_One interesting use of a fork later ..._

**Another Doomed Necrontyr Scientist:** "Oh damn ... I was going to eat lunch with that ..." _She throws the fork away, with the flesh still attached to the pointy end._

**Doomed Necrontyr Scientist:** "OH MY GODS! MY BALLS!"

**Nightbringer:** "It's at times like this I appreciate being genderless ... hello ... we've got a visitor"

_A robed figure walks into the laboratory. Easily twice as large as the Necrontyr around him, the figure strides up to where the two scientists are working._

**Another Doomed Necrontyr Scientist: **"Hello sir. How was the game?"

**Overlord R:** "Hey peeps! The game was ... like ... a real show of **style** ... fancy footwork ... some good play by the brothers in the field ... some – why's Little Rob bleeding between his legs?"

**Doomed Necrontyr **_**Scientist:**__ In a large amount of pain. "_No reason ... just fancied it ... that's all"

**Overlord R: **"Chill it Little Rob ... so's ... how's Night-dude?"

**Nightbringer:** "Oh I can tell we're going to get along **so** well ... hey ... who's those guys? They look like you"

_All turn to see twenty individuals burst into the room, all armoured and armed to the teeth with more weapons than at a military fan boy convention. _

**Horus: **"This ends here Nightbringer! Prepare to meet your worst night- ... **ROB?**"

**Roboute Guilliman (Overlord R): **"Yo! Long time no see bros! Glad you made it – the party's just beginning!"

_He throws off his robes to reveal more cybernetic enhancement than in one of Ferrus' wet dreams, all of them both deadly and more garish than a Puff Daddy music video. _

**Roboute:** "The bling's back in town baby!"

**Horus:** "Oh there is no **way **I'm going to let you end this chapter on **that**! ... erm ..."

_I'm waiting ..._

**Horus:** "Er ... eat your greens kids!"

**Lorgar:** _Face palms._


	82. Chapter LXXXII

**Horus:** "Wait one Merrett-damned moment! How the hell – **what** the hell do you think you're doing? You do realise you're on **their**-" _He gestures towards the Necrontyr scientists._ "... hey do you realise that one's bleeding from his balls?" _He shrugs and remembers where he was in the monologue. _"You're fighting for the greatest threat we've ever faced – HASBRO!"

_General shock greets the naming of the EVIL that is Hasbro (anyone who's seen the previews for D&D 4__th__ Ed can testify for this fact). The Necrontyr scientists scurry away (or, in the case of one, crawl away clutching his crotch), their sense of self-preservation pointing out when they need to run from potential cataclysmic confrontations. _

**Roboute:** "Of course bro! They gave me what you squares never could – RESPECT! Respect for the pimp I am!"

**Vulkan:** "Seriously, stop it – you're only embarrassing yourself"

**Roboute:** "See? No respect! What's a brotha got to do to get some respect around here?"

**Dorn:** "Pick the decent side?"

**Fulgrim:** "Dress decently?"

**Sanguinius:** "Stop butchering the English language?"

**Roboute:** "ENOUGH!" _Various death-things reveal themselves from within, spreading outwards like a bizarre metal mockery of Shiva. _"With this awesome powa I will crush you all under my feet!"

**Perturabo:** "Man, do the maths – there's nineteen of us, and Alpharius gets to be counted twice because he's that hardcore-"

**Alpharius:** "And I have a twin"

**Perturabo:** "-I was trying to be subtle for those who still haven't read _Legion_, but thanks for the spoiler anyway ..."

**Roboute:** "Numbers don't matter – it's what's in your heart that does!"

**Vulkan:** "Again, you fail **bro**"

_Roboute screams, in a way that makes it quite obvious he's clearly passed the thin red line and is now working his way to the infra-red line just beyond. Several gauss-like weapons point towards the Primarchs and fire deadly green energy. _

**Magnus: **_Quickly stepping forward._ "Barrier Shield MkII!"

_A great wall of shimmering energy forms around the Primarchs, and the green gauss energy disperses against it harmlessly._

**Roboute:** "MEGA-GAUSS HYPER ASSAULT!"

**Perturabo:** "What is this? _Dragonball Z_? Do we need to yell out our attacks all the time?"

_Roboute reveals two immense Gauss cannons that slide out from seemingly nowhere click into place either side of him and open up with an intense barrage that threatens to overwhelm Magnus' psychic shielding._

**Magnus:** "Jesus Christ he got upgrades!"

**Horus:** "So have we, in case you forgot. Primarchs! Lets re-educate our brother on the meaning of 'pwned'"

**Ferrus:** "Er-"

**Horus:** "No, just no. Whatever it was. No. And before you reply – no"

**Ferrus:** "I was just going to ask if you want me to use this-" _Holds up an exotic weapon that glows with a mystic blue energy._

**Horus:** "Where did you get that? Is that Protoss?"

**Ferrus:** "_Starcraft II _launch party ... I er ... stopped off on the way here. Great thing about time travel ..."

**Horus:** "That's not GW-endorsed weaponry, never mind it coming from a rival franchise. Put it back where you got it from!"

**Ferrus:** "But it **soo** pretty!"

**Horus:** "Don't make me ask again! I don't like wasting precious word space on repetition – you know how draconian BL publishing rules are!"

**Angron:** _Siding over to Ferrus. _"Did you get anything for Sarah?"

**Ferrus:** "Back home waiting for her in the present when we finish in the past ..."

**Angron:** _Mentally tries to work that last sentence out._ "But you got them right?"

**Ferrus:** "I do not disappoint the lady ... especially one capable of ripping me into bite-size chunks in less time than it takes to load up Warseer's main page" _[Author's Note: When it hasn't crashed again ... ;)]_

**Roboute:** "ENOUGH WITH THE TALK!" _Another barrage of gauss fire._

**Magnus:** "She canna take it anymore cap'in!"

**Russ:** "Don't do the accent when you can't handle it Mag!"

**Horus:** "Quiet both of you! Fan out! Attack pattern beta!"

**Perturabo:** "Don't you mean alpha? I thought beta was to deal with rogue tomatoes?"

**Hecate:** "That's gamma dear, beta' definitely the anti-rabid girl scouts defence tactic"

**Horus:** "Didn't we spend the best part of a millennia going over this?"

**Carl:** "Did we? Wow ... time flies when you're stoned ... where are we?"

**Horus:** "Grr ... just hit the big blue bastard!"

**Angron:** "Finally a tactic I can understand!"_ Leaps forwards, axes raised. _"TIME TO DIE ROB! ... or alternatively suffer severe physical damage ..."

_Roboute parries with a huge warscythe-like blade that extends from his arm. The living metal slides through Angron's daemonic axes, but as they pass the flesh of the axes reach out and combine to bring the axe together again. _

**Vulkan:** "Hammer time bitch!" _He too leaps forwards, twin thunder hammers (stolen from a Reaver titan) raised to fall. _

_Roboute brings up a shimmering field, and he partially fades from sight. The hammers fall through him to impact on the floor, sending huge shock waves everywhere. Screaming from outside suggests large scale destruction caused by the seismic impact. _

**Nightbringer:** "Oh damn ... you guys just destroyed the football stadium ..."

**Vulkan:** "Pansy Necrons couldn't play soccer if they got a guidebook to it" _He swings the hammers around as Angron returns with axe blows of his own. All weapons pass through Roboute without harm, impacting on the columns supporting the structure. _

**Horus:** "We're causing more damage to the city than we are Rob!"

**Corax:** "Isn't that our normal tactic anyway? Death by collateral damage?"

**Mortarion:** "Screw this" _Dips his manreaper into the ground, which begins to bubble with foul smelling pustules and blisters. Icky stuff oozes out of the cracks, and gibbering nurglings starts clawing their way up. The entire building begins to crack and crumble as the infection spreads._

**Hecate:** "Eeww ... I just had a manicure this morning!"

**Sanguinius:** "Me too! Watch where you infect that stuff!"

**Mortarion:** _Eyes glow with dark power._ "Summoning Arts 12 – Kiss of Nurgle"

_The area around Roboute begins to erupt in great masses of decaying flesh, like the rotting lips of an undead beauty queen. The flesh rises up and engulfs the traitor Primarch._

**Roboute:** "OH MY GOD! WHAT ... THIS ISN'T A MOUTH! OH GOD! THE HORROR!"

**Horus:** "Dare I ask?"

**Mortarion:** "Don't"

**Ferrus:** "Fight over?"

**Hecate:** "Guess so ... which just leaves ..."

_The energy stops flowing, as the silver body absorbs the last of the C'tan's essence. The now complete Nightbringer rises up, a huge scythe growing out of his left arm. _

**Nightbringer:** "Time to die, Primarchs"


	83. Chapter LXXXIII

Guest Narrator: C S Goto [With Lastie's comments in brackets]

_The awakened C'tan flexes its muscles [What? When did they get muscles?] and smiles with an evil malice that strikes fear into the hearts of the Primarchs [Er ... space marines? ATSKNF ring any bells?]._

**Nightbringer: **"Who shall be first to taste the wrath of my blade?"

**Lorgar:** "What does 'wrath' taste like?"

**Dorn:** "More to the point, what's an inanimate metal sculpture doing with it?"

**Ferrus:** "I could Google it if anyone's interested ... I brought my laptop with me!"

**Horus:** "Gods dammit Ferrus! Can't you go more than five minutes without looking at porn?"

**Ferrus:** "Well ... when a guy's got to fap ..."

_The Primarchs stare at Ferrus with looks of such intense horror even the ageless monster behind them seems paltry in comparison. Perhaps the thought of reading through the _Dawn of War_ omnibus sounds particularly tempting now if offered as an alternative to standing in the presence of Ferrus at this moment in time. Good grief ... did I just slag off my own work there? [Fact – the universe hates C S Goto's work]_

**Horus:** "Get ... out ... of ... my ... sight ..."

**Hecate:** _MEGA-TON ANIME GIRL PUNCH! [The type that sends men flying for a thousand miles at high velocity ... which Ferrus does] _"PERVERT!"

_The Primarchs watch Ferrus disappear from even their super-human sight, like a Dark Reaper flying off into the sunset ... to rape some kids [Dude .. .WTF?]._

**Horus:** "Thank Gods for that ... right ... sorry about that Mr. N Bringer"

**Nightbringer: **_Puts away the book he was currently reading, and the reading glasses he was wearing [Book? Glasses? What the hell are you doing man?] _"No problem. Are we ready to resume our fight?" _He brays._

**Horus:** "What's with the donkey impression?"

**Nightbringer: **"All evil creatures bray. Where have you been?"

**Horus:** "Reading fan fiction (much better than this crap)"

**Nightbringer:** _Extends the scythe once again, reality itself is torn asunder by its passage. The Gods themselves flee in terror of this scythe. This scythe could bray if it could. [Er ...] _"PREPARE FOR YOUR DEMISE FOOLISH PRIMARCHS!"

**Fulgrim:** _Stepping forward. _"Relax guys. Me and PD will take care of this round ..."

**Sanguinius:** "PD?"

**Fulgrim: **"Plot Device" _Holds up one sword in particular and wiggles it about a bit. The sword glows with dark and evil energy [And brays?]. _"Apparently I owe my present personality to it. So sword ... how should I solve this problem?"

**PD:** "Dude ... ten thousand years and you're still bitter about that Ferrus moment? Are we talking about the same guy Hecate just mega-punched to the next continent?"

**Fulgrim:** "In ages past he **was** my best friend ... we still are ... he lets me use his laptop occasionally to look up scaly porn"

**PD:** "Er ..."

**Fulgrim:** "It's like furries but with scales-"

**PD:** "Yeah I got that. Stop talking right there. Let me solve your issues with some surprisingly convenient plot developments and a healthy dose of deus ex machina"

**Fulgrim:** _Holds out the sword towards the suspicious Nightbringer ... who isn't braying. _"Do your thing oh Convenient Possessed Sword of Plot Device-Assisted Character Development"

**PD:** "Oh right! Time to shine! OI! NIGHTY! LETS GET IT ON BABY!"

_The sword flies from Fulgrims hand and dances around the Nightbringer. For a brief moment the sword clashes with the scythe, before the ethereal energies of the C'tan slice the sword in two. As it dies it [brays?] ... er ... yeah ..._

**PD:** "Oh bugger ..." _Dies._

**Fulgrim:** "Thank the Gods for that. Now I'm free! Free to be my own three-dimensional character!"

_He is pushed out of the way by Corax, wielding vicious lightning claws._

**Corax:** "Good for you. Now leave this to the professionals" _He aims the claws, and lightning shoots from their tips to strike the Nightbringer [er ... I think you've misunderstood 'Lightning claws' ...]._

**Nightbringer:** "ARGH! Lightning! My only weakness!" _[Is he writing this dialogue as well?]_

**Corax:** "Face it Nighty – alone you could beat us, but united we Primarchs are invincible!"

**Lorgar:** "We're not **quite** united – Ferrus got bitch-slapped and Rob's in ... whatever the hell Mort summoned last chapter"

**Roboute:** _Inside Nurgle's ... unpleasant whatever. _"It's not very comfortable in here ... can I come out now for the ass-kicking? I promise to pick the right side this time!"

**Horus:** "No Rob, you're staying in there until you've learned your lesson – stop laughing Alpharius!"

**Omegon:** "Er ... I'm Omegon ... **he's** Alpharius" _Points towards his twin standing next to him._

**Horus: **"Whatever! Hey should we put spoiler tags on that last exchange?"

**Alpharius:** "No point – I brought snacks!" _Clicks his fingers and loyal Tau servants bring in plates of pizza and crates of beer ... wait a moment what the hell? And they say what __**I**__ write is ridiculous! [This is a parody though ...]_

**Russ:** "BEER! ALPHARIUS, YOU DOG! COME 'ERE!" _Wraps Alpharius in a huge bear-hug._

**Horus:** "We have the food, we have the drink, let the entertainment begin!"

_The Primarchs launch themselves forward en-mass in a glorious charge and AWESOME that deifies description. Imagine all the art work for the Horus Heresy done so far – they all pale in comparison. Thought the new Chaos plastics were sweet? They're pitiful when you see this. Even Chuck Norris stands with his mouth wide open. In fact, the following battle is such a display of concentrated AWESOMENESS, that even this paragraph merely talking about it could threaten to explode your head. Apologies if this has already happened. _

_Suffice to say, they kick ass._

_When the display of AWESOME has finished, the Nightbringer stands [he's got legs?] broken and defeated._

**Nightbringer:** "Curse you Primarchs! Curse yo- ... are you having pizza during my defeat monologue?"

**Lorgar:** "It's probably nothing we haven't already heard before, so you can't blame us for getting something to eat while we wait for you to finish"

**Vulkan:** "The defeat of our enemies come naturally to us"

**Nightbringer: **_An evil grin spreads across his face. _"Oh really?" _His fingers points to the heavens. _"We're not defeated yet Primarchs! BROTHERS!"

_There is a great rumble, and hundreds of ethereal creatures spring from the ground. Many Nightbringers, Deceivers, Dragons, and Outsiders [what does he look like anyway?] stare at our heroes._

**Deceiver (Well ... one of them anyway): **"Did you think you guys were the only masters of time? I took the opportunity to gather some temporal buddies from various points in time to help our past selves here" _Pulls out a laptop from within him._ "It took a while, but finally I cracked Alan Merret's password! (It was 'MONEY!' by the way). The power of his laptop is mine, and soon the entire universe will be re-written in accordance to Hasbro's grand scheme! Starting ... with ... YOU!" _Fingers move to the keyboard._

**Horus:** "CRAP! WE'RE ABOUT TO BE RETCONED!"

_The C'tan bray in triumph! [You're fired!]_


	84. Chapter LXXXIV

"_There comes a moment in every man's life when he knows the next choice he makes will decide whether he lives for eternity as an Internet legend and immortalised in meme, or fade into obscurity not fitting for a MySpace page. I knew my moment had come ..." - Ferrus Manus, Primarch of the Iron Hands Space Marine Legion_

**Deceiver:** "So what will it be? Reduce Horus back to a mere Imperial Army commander who had delusions of grandeur? Leman Russ to a plain tank commander? The possibilities are endless!" _He begins to cackle in a over-the-top villain style._

**Void Dragon:** "So why not just write them out of existence?"

**Deceiver: **_Stops cackling._ "You just don't get do you?"

**Void Dragon:** "What? Just erase them from existence! BAM! Problem solved – we get the universe as our plaything? Why keep them alive?"

**Deceiver:** _He sighs._ "Why am I surrounded by fools? You don't understand – it works better if we keep them alive!"

**Void Dragon:** "How the hell can that be **better**? If anything it's worse!"

**Magnus:** "I agree with the Deceiver- you just don't get it ..."

**Dorn:** _Whispering._ "What the hell are you doing?"

**Magnus:** _Whispering back._ "Hey – if we're still alive thanks to the Deceiver's complete Villain-Induced Stupidity then we can fight back!"

**Deceiver:** "I heard that you know"

**Magnus:** _Whispering._ "No you didn't"

**Deceiver:** "Oh I did"

**Magnus: **_Still whispering._ "Nope"

**Deceiver:** "Look, you're not the only ones with super-enhanced hearing you know. You're right VD – time to erase these suckers from existence"

_He opens the laptop and begins typing._

**Hecate:** "Stop him!"

**Horus:** "HOW?"

**Deceiver: **"Too late! I need only press the enter key in a very slow and very dramatic fashion and your pitiful fictional lives will end – and the universe shall be retconned to our advantage!"

_His finger very slowly moves towards the button ... and presses it!_

**Deceiver: **"What? You're still here ... but how ... wait ... **ILLEGAL OPERATION? WTF?**"

**Ferrus:** "Having software problems? Damn that Microsoft"

_All eyes turns towards Ferrus, who stands at the rim of the open roof with laptop in hand._

**Ferrus: **"A CHALLENGER APPEARS!"

**Deceiver:** "YOU!"

**Ferrus:** "What? Did you think you actually had a chance to erase us from existence with some guy's **laptop**? Please ... you're using Vista – do you realise how much Fail you've just earned yourself there?"

**Deceiver:** "Have some respect for your elders!"

**Ferrus:** "O RLY?"

**Deceiver:** "ARGH! I SUMMON 4CHAN PARTY VAN!" _A massive Monolith crashes into the building, disgorging immense power through whip-like lightning strikes from the crystal atop._

**Ferrus: **_Easily avoiding the strikes. _"WTF? That ain't the van – LURK MOAR!"

**Deceiver: **"Your power's are limited! Mine is infinite! The universe will bow before me!"

**Ferrus:** "That may be ... but you haven't considered one thing ..."

**Deceiver:** "Oh?"

**Ferrus:** _Swings his laptop around from where it balances upon the edge of the open skylight, the image of a female face surrounded by masses of wires can be seen. _"MY WAIFU!"

**SHODAN:** "Pathetic creatures of mundane energy wrapped in insignificant metal – your so-called 'glory' pails before my own. Observe first-hand how your archaic programs fail before my magnificence!"

**Ferrus:** "In other words: l77t h4ck3r"

**Deceiver:** "Why you ... little ... I RAGE!" _He begins to scream, and energy is pulled in around him as his body enlarges, growing through the skylight to tower over the building. His skin turns pale white, while a neck-long cup of blue hair forms around his head and his eyes glow bright crimson. _

**Ferrus: **"ZOMG TEH REI!"

**Deceiver: **"THIRD IMPACT TIME MOTHERFUCKERS!"

**Horus: **"I have no interest in becoming a Tango product placement – PRIMARCHS ASSAULT!"

_The Primarchs leap forward, eager to kick more ass than is legally accepted due to the GAR Limit Law enforced by all makers of AWESOME and WIN to ensure that their customers don't suffer massive cranial haemorrhaging as a feedback to the sheer ungodly amount of GAR thrown at them. Having your reader base suffer HEAD ASPLODE isn't good for business._

**Dorn:** "FOR THE EMPEROR!"

**Horus:** "FOR CHAOS!"

**Fulgrim:** "FOR TRINNY AND SUSANNAH!"

_Pause._

**Fulgrim:** "What?"

**Dorn & Horus:** "Traitor!"

_Charge recommences, the rousing music begins again, and the camera works in slow motion as the Primarchs meet the C'tan in combat. Such a battle will not likely be seen again (until next arc, when I'll have to think up something more cooler than Primarchs versus C'tan), and the amount of devastation caused destroys much of the city. Many Necrontyr lament the loss of their families and loved ones ... but they're all nameless background characters who no one gives a damn about anyway ..._

_High above the battle, Ferrus evades the giant REI DECEIVER as she/he/it/whatever swings a skyscraper at the Primarch like a baseball bat._

**Ferrus:** "Shit that was close! I need some room ... SHODAN babe, have you finished?"

**SHODAN:** "Format at 81% complete. Require fifteen more minutes to erase all content on Merrett's laptop ..."

**Ferrus:** "You need me to buy some time babe? Sure ... hey you otaku-bait bitch!"

**Deceiver: **"Your resistance only makes my warscythe harder!"

**Ferrus: **"Er ... yeah ... whatever. Sorry but I'm going to have to end this now – 'cause frankly you're embarrassing me and every other anonymous out there so ..." _Adopts a stance and begins chanting._

"_I am the seed of all fail,_

_Lame is my blood, and troll is my name,_

_I have spammed all forums known to man,_

_Trolled all there is to be trolled._

_Have destroyed many lives,_

_with replies devoid of logic and sense._

_So as I pray ..._

_UNLIMITED DESU WORKS!"_

_The Deceiver is impacted by the full force of an entire Internet's worth of FAIL._

**Deceiver: **"ARGH! MY MIND! THE HORROR!" _His head expands and explodes, showering the city with still-worm chunks of pure, concentrated FAIL._

**Ferrus:** "Well that worked out better than I anticipated"

**SHODAN:** "Format at 89% complete"

**Ferrus:** "Just a little longer, then we can wrap these suckers up once and for all!"


	85. Chapter LXXXV

_As the still-warm (spelled it right this time!) chunks of the giant Deceiver fall to the city below, the Primarchs continue their epic combat against the many temporal versions of the four C'tan._

**Magnus:** _Screaming as he slices through a Nightbringer and disintegrates an Outsider with his mighty warp-powered gaze. _"We have to kill the originals! If we kill them they can't survive to then travel back in time and bring themselves from other points in time back with them!"

**Dorn:** _Sends a Void Dragon flying with a swing of his thunder hammer. _"Ignoring how that makes no sense whatsoever, which ones are the originals?"

**Russ:** _Swigging on a keg of ale as he mercilessly beats a Nightbringer up with its own scythe. _"So lets just kill them until they all disappear – then we know we've got the originals!"

**Corax:** _Having learned how to use lightning claws properly, he now slices C'tan up with a single swing of his mighty artefacts. _"So basically we keep on doing what we're doing now?"

**Magnus:** _Stands for a moment in exasperation._ "Well I **tried** to insert some intelligent tactics into this whole battle royale ... so you know ..." _Picks up the broken necrodermis of one of his recent kills and beats another C'tan to death with it._

**Mortarion:** _Unleashing all manner of deadly contagions that eat through living metal as easily as acid eats through digestive biscuits. _"I swear if we survive this I'm going to make love to Ev'rii for a whole week"

**Sanguinius:** _Flying high above the combat and unleashing FABULOUS rays of searing light at the C'tan below. _"That would be ... **impressive** to say the least ... I thoroughly support this reason for triumph!"

**Horus:** _Having found himself two (yes __**two**__, current popular HH artwork be damned) lightning claws with in-built combi-bolters to replace his lost ones, he thoroughly pwns C'tan in true 'Lord of Chaos' style. _"Speaking of which, **when** we finish this you and I have a rematch to face feather boy!"

**Sanguinius:** _Grins._ "Oh yes ... we do indeed"

**SHODAN:** "Format at 98% complete – please find a suitable area to hold onto ... pathetic sacks of flesh and bone ..."

**Fulgrim:** _Having reached a mutual agreement between all the PLOT DEVICES he wields as to the right approach to combat, is now dishing out the pwnage. _"I **really** do not like Ferrus' girlfriend ..."

**Roboute:** _Still inside Mortarion's trap. _"I **really** don't like this place guys ..."

**Ferrus:** "Hold on guys – this battle is **over!**"

**Deceiver (the original, it should be mentioned):** "NOOOOOO!" _Reaches down to pick up Alan Merrett's laptop. _"If I can't have this franchise – no one will!"

**Horus:** "Too late, you've just been Primarched"

**SHODAN: **"Format at 100% complete-"

_The universe vanishes. The Primarchs find themselves floating in a sea of nothing. No light, no ground, no wind, no McDonald's, no sports channel on TV – nothing._

**Horus:** "So ... what the **hell** just happened?"

**Magnus:** "Ferrus wiped Merrett's hard drive, but we're still here, so I assume?"

**Ferrus:** _Grins as he pulls out a small USB drive from a handy pouch hanging at his waist. _"I saved ourselves to this drive before starting the format"

**Vulkan:** "So we're all that's left of 40K?"

**Ferrus:** "At the moment, yes. But we do have this" _He holds up Merrett's laptop._ "SHODAN babe is installing Windows as we speak, and when she's finished we have a special task ahead of us"

**Corax:** "Re-writing the franchise"

**Angron:** "Awesome! We can do anything we want! We can insert whoever we want! Delete anyone we want! Hey ... here's our chance to retcon the Tau out of the franchise!"

**Alpharius:** "Hey! The Tau are my bitches! You leave them in!"

**Mortarion:** "Do we really want to change anything?"

_The Primarchs are reflective as they ponder the power they now have. Eventually Roboute says what all (except Carl, who's too stoned to think) are thinking:_

**Roboute:** "Guys ... I kinda liked it the way things used to be ..."

**Lorgar:** "Agreed ... except the recent stuff"

**Alpharius:** "I like my twin brother" _He points at Omegon, who looks quite insistent to still exist._

**Magnus:** "Well ... we can write some of it back in I suppose ..."

**Angron:** "And Zoats ... Sarah would love some Zoats in her gribbly army of evil"

**Dorn:** "Well if we're going to have Zoats, we might as well put Squats back in. I kinda like the little fellas"

**Perturabo**:"Hell, they've got some awesome siege weaponry. Could do with some of that in my Legion"

**Lorgar:** "Speaking of which, lets have our Legions back"

**Horus: **_Sits down at the laptop and flexes his fingers. _"All right guys – shoot. Lets get this baby written back into existence. I want a drink"

**Russ:** "Aye, I believe we all do"

**Sanguinius:** "Well ... we **have** earned it ... so ... where to start?"

**Horus:** "How about ...

_It is the forty-first millennium._

_For more than a hundred centuries the Emperor has sat immobile on the Golden Throne of Earth ..._

_... but the universe is a big place and ... whatever happens ... you will not be missed ..._

there ... done it" _Horus sits back after several concentrated days worth of dictating by his brothers and taking turns to type. _

**Magnus:** "Bloody awesome ... if I do say so myself"

**Alpharius:** "Nice work guys ... so where do we place ourself?"

**Horus:** _Grinning._ "Where else?"

_They find themselves in the Eye of Beer tavern, where we first met them so many chapters (86 actually) ago ... _

**Russ:** "BEER! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY AND AWESOME – **BEER**!"

_The doors burst open, and all the supporting cast flood into the bar (the owner's of which gaze in shock, having never seen so many people inside before. When your regular customers are the Daemon Primarchs, you don't tend to attract many people). _

**Ev'rii:** "Mort! I love you!"

**Mortarion:** _Scoops Ev'rii into his arms and begins walking off. _"Catch you guys later! Ev'rii and I have some private celebration time to enjoy!" _Ev'rii puts on the dirtiest grin ever, that only a Daemonette could manage._

**Russ:** "I'll give them five minutes"

**Horus:** "Enough! I declare a toast! To us! And how generally awesome we all our ... and our friends ... without which none of this could be possible ... Warmaster Horus salutes you all!"

**Russ:** "Then Warmaster Horus can buy the drinks tonight!"

_Everyone laughs, except Horus who is not amused. As the day progresses the tale is told in full to all present, and there is much fun and alcoholic consumption._

**Falal:** "So what of the C'tan?"

**Magnus:** "Oh we put them back in their place – they now work for McDonald's on Terra"

**Horus:** "Busiest fast food store in existence, I might add. They should be having fun ..."

_Indeed they are, servicing the __**MILLIONS**__ of people who flood through the Imperial Palace every day is no easy task ... but it's one that four gods __**almost**__ cope with ..._

_**Deceiver:**__ "ARGH! NO YOU CANNOT HAVE THE FREE BIG MAC WITH THAT MEAL!"_

_Well ... almost._

_Alls well that ends well I suppose, and the summer campaign comes to an end, with GW having earned enough to give them a firm standing to refuse Hasbro's offer of becoming part of their evil empire. Alan Merrett wonders how he could have written such AWESOME material for the 40K universe without realising it, and passes it onto all the BL writers who then proceed to write award-winning novels that hit the New York Time's best seller lists multiple times. Hobby enthusiasts everywhere agree they've never had it better ..._

_Meanwhile the Primarchs get themselves plastered. All is good._


	86. Chapter LXXXVI

_The lone figure scurries down the dark corridor, clutching the robe it wears tightly to itself. Approaching a heavy steel door, the mysterious robed stranger comes to a halt before another dressed in similar attire. This second robed figure raises a hand._

**Second Robed Figure:** "Halt! Declare the words of secrecy!"

**First Robed Figure:** "Turnip sauce"

**SRF:** "Ah ... no ... I think you find that was yesterday's password Eldrad"

**FRF: **"Really? But the guy at the door let me through with that"

**SRF:** "Did he now? He really shouldn't have ... who is at the door Vect?" _He turns to his left and talks at the darkness. _

_A third robed figure detaches itself from the shadows and comes to stand beside the two._

**Third Robed Figure:** _Consulting a list he retrieves from inside his robes. _"Er ... today would be ... Tarik Torgaddon ..."

**SRF:** "Oh for the love of the gods ... TARIK?"

_A small voice answers from further down the corridor, from where the first robed figure appeared._

**Tarik:** "YEAH?"

**SRF: **"YOU FUCKED UP AGAIN!"

**Tarik:** "SHIT ... SORRY!"

**SRF: **"NO CHEESY TACOS FOR YOU WHEN THE MEETING'S FINISHED!" _The figure growls and pulls back his hood, revealing the familiar pony-tailed head of Abaddon the Despoiler._ "Gods-damn pony tail was chaffing my skin under all that"

**TRF:** "Ez – put your hood back up! We're supposed to be a secret evil cabal; even from each other! That's not going to work if you walk around the place showing your ugly mug off to everyone now is it?"

**Abaddon:** "But we know who the members are anyway! We shared emails when joining up for the newsletter for crying out loud! We advertise for membership on **prime time TV**! You couldn't get more **not** secret if you tried!"

**TRF:** "I guess ... but we're still pretty damn evil"

**FRF:** "Oh yes, sponsoring _Grox Rescue Centre _was a thoroughly despicable act"

**TRF:** "Hey, we did it for the PR; nothing else. We don't give a damn about homeless and mistreated grox ... even that cute one last episode ... with the big round eyes ... she was so **adorable** ... I'd hit it ..."

_There is silence as the other two figures contemplate whether it would be worth their hassle to back away slowly. They both silently agree that as far as 'Vectisms' go this was a mild one._

_The large doors open, and a lone head pokes out._

**Arhra:** "If you guys are quite finished talking; the meeting's about to start"

= P = R = I = M = A = R = C = H = S =

_The meeting chamber is no larger than your average Games Workshop store, without the tables. Many robed figures have squeezed themselves into the space and there are many under-the-breath grumbles about someone else's elbow poking into ribs and such. _

_Arhra stands before a large hololithic display along one wall and motions for everyone to shut up within the immediate time frame so he could speak and be heard. When this fails, he threatens to show Vect's home-made porn flicks if there isn't silence within the next five seconds. This, surprisingly, works._

**Arhra:**_ Somewhat exasperated. "_Thank you ... right, thank you everyone for coming to the eight thousandth and twenty second annual meeting of the Society of Evil Geniuses for a Better Tomorrow, commonly referred to as the Illuminati by members and outsiders. Before I begin the meeting proper, a quick word of thanks to Taldeer over there, who, with Macha, kindly baked the delicious cookies we're all sampling ... or in the case of Creed **already sampled**"

**Creed:** _Sits back and smacks his lips. _"Very nice ... my compliments to the xenos scum who baked them"

**Taldeer:** "You're welcome ... you fat fuck ..."

**Creed:** "What was that? Oh ... do my ears deceive me or is that the sound of Blood Ravens and their xenos-hating leader, Chapter Master Goto, approaching?"

_Taldeer gives Creed the finger, to the general sniggering of all present._

**Arhra:** "Enough! Khaine almighty you guys are worse than kids ... all right; item of agenda no. one is the recent defeat of the C'tan by those gay Primarchs"

_The assembled boo and hiss._

**Arhra:** "Yes well ... they've yet to get back to me on my offer of joining us, so either they're still drunk or they obviously consider themselves better than we. In which case we need to teach them to respect us and our cause!" _He notices a solitary hand rise above the assembled. _"Yes Doomrider?"

**Doomrider:** "Er ... what **is **our cause?"

**Arhra:** "What is our cause? **JUSTICE!** That is our cause! Justice for the little guys! Justice for those of us forgotten, relegated to mere fluff mentions, removed from the latest Codices (in your case DR), or suffer the neglect that comes from being xenos races!"

**Creed:** "So what's Ezekyle doing here? He's not exactly hard-done-by"

**Abaddon:** "I'm here to lend support to this cause, for my own personal reasons ..."

**Doomrider:** "You want the road trip eh?"

**Abaddon:** _His face lights up._ "Hell yeah! The open warp, our motorcycles blasting at full throttle! You, me, and the guys with nothing to get in our way for five dimensions ..." _He nods to himself, lost in the memories._ "Good times ..."

**Doomrider:** "Oh yeah ... damn that black-border Codex ..."

**Abaddon:** "Hey, watch it DR – that Codex was the second best we've ever had ... perhaps it didn't have you in it, but it's an Eye of Terror away from the one we're currently suffering"

**Doomrider:** "Fair plays man"

**Arhra:** "Have you guys finished? What are we doing about these Primarchs? Shall we continue to pursue their indoctrination into the cult? They aren't featured in the rules after all, so they do qualify ... strangely"

**Eldrad:** "They are, however, prominent characters in the latest series from the Black-Library-In-Name-Only. They are getting far more love than all of us here combined, and it's only a matter of time before they get rules, and possibly a damned Apocalypse datasheet to themselves"

**Creed:** _Points at Eldrad._ "Why is he here?"

**Eldrad:** "Because some bright spark in GW decided they needed a shock death to mark the end of the Eye of Terror campaign – and I got the honour! Do you have any idea how **boring** the soul of a corrupted Talisman of Vaul is? All it talks about is how pretty the stars are ..." _He shudders at the memories._

**Arhra:** "We all have our reasons to be here Creed, stop trying to make us justify the narrator choices for who's in this club ... **anyway** – the Primarchs!"

**Abaddon:** "I say we give them **one more chance** ... but this time lets try something different"

**Arhra:** "We're all ears ..."

_Abaddon explains his plan to all assembled, and there is general agreement of its awesomeness. _

**Arhra:** "It's settled then – we'll do that ... now ... to the second item of agenda: our tea and biscuit fund. Someone, no pointing fingers here-" _All fingers point to Creed._ "-has been eating more than his share of biscuits, and the fund can't keep up. Creed; if you could respect that everyone has the right to at least one biscuit?"

**Creed:** "But-"

**Arhra:** "Don't make me bring out the wafer thin mint! You won't like that!"

**Creed: **_Bows his head in shame._ "OK ..."

**Arhra:** "Right ... third item of agenda – the décor ... any chance of something that's not so dark and depressing? We're trying to avoid the clichés here folks ..."


	87. Chapter LXXXVII

_The Thunderhawk approaches the Ravenspire and gently settles within the cavernous hanger bay below to the thunderous applause of perhaps the entire Raven Guard Chapter. As the Thunderhawk's main ramp comes down, several figures approach its base and welcome the return of their Primarch._

**Corax:** "Hey guys, was' up? Like what you've done to the place while I've been gone (sorry about being late; traffic out of the Eye is abysmal during post-Black Crusade crawl)"

_The Chapter Master of the Raven Guard bows, the many dreadlocks around his head and beard following gravity's insistence of pointing towards the deck. _

**Chapter Master Sparrow: **"An extended and heartfelt welcome to you, my lord, with all the appropriate trimmings and celebrations, which leads me conveniently to the topic of utmost importance which would be the fast approaching arrival of glorious and satisfying rum with which to toast your lordship's long-delayed arrival"

_Captain Aajz Solari standing next to him politely whispers something in Sparrow's ear._

**Sparrow:** "No rum? What do you mean no rum?"

_Solari again whispers something in Sparrow's ear. Corax raises an eyebrow as he patiently awaits the outcome of this (and wonders what's happened to his Chapter). _

**Sparrow:** "Are you, by unfortunate chance, attempting to convey across the incomprehensible suggestion that the rum, might not in fact, exist?"

**Solari:** _Sighing._ "CM, we're **Space Marines**. We don't drink rum; we indulge in wine during celebration feasts, but we don't drink rum"

**Sparrow:** "Really?" _Looks around quizzically._ "Perhaps-"

**Solari:** "No my lord"

**Sparrow:** "Then-"

**Solari:** "That's not possibly either, my lord"

**Sparrow:** "Ah ... I see ..." _Turns his attention back to Corax._ "My esteemed and heartfelt but not necessarily sincere apologies to you, but it seems, with great regret, that alcoholic solace otherwise known as rum ... is gone ..."

_A great lament is heard throughout the hanger bay, as the Raven Guard collectively morn the loss of the rum._

**Corax:** "Is this a bad thing?"

**Sparrow:** "Indeed, for I must forthwith and hereby, with great lament, declare this world a rum-free zone" _He turns around. _"TO THE BARGES MEN!" _He turns back._ "That's providing, of course and with no disrespect intended, or otherwise encouraged, that your Lordship does not mind this course of action?"

**Corax:** _Shrugs._ "Why the hell not? It'll give me time to get to know my Leg- I mean **Chapter** again ... bloody Rob"

= P = R = I = M = A = R = C = H = S =

_Elsewhere, a fierce battle rages between the mighty forces of the Salamanders Space Marine Chapter, and the fearless followers of the Ork Warlord Garlock (remember him?)! Two Space Marines hunker down behind a barricade as a whole host of Orks unload more lead than in the average Michael Bay action flick. _

**First Salamander:** "Brother Rorth! Hand me my Meltagun!"

**Second Salamander:** _Looking through the many Meltaguns he's been carrying for his battle-brothers. _"But Brother Kul, which one is yours?"

**First Salamander:** "The one with 'Bad Motherfucker' written on it"

**Second Salamander:** "But they **all** have 'Bad Motherfucker' written on their sides"

**First Salamander:** "Then any will do ... ah! Brother Primarch!"

_Both look up as Vulcan slides down into the trenches beside them. _

**Vulcan:** "Brother Kul – I heard about your injury! Has it healed?"

**First Salamander:** _Holds up a pair of dark sunglasses; the bridge held together by sticky tape._ "Looking good Brother Primarch, I managed to find some black tape to repair the damage" _He puts the shades on_."Ready"

_Vulcan stands up, twin meltaguns under each arm._

**Vulcan: **"Heaven or hell – lets rock"

= P = R = I = M = A = R = C = H = S =

_Elsewhere in the universe, on the world of Macragge, a single figure strides up the stairs of the great palace to where (most of) his Chapter have assembled. Hard core rap plays across the city, and the citizens dance to celebrate the return of their Primarch._

**Roboute:** "Hey! Rob's in da house! What say you all?"

**All:** "BLUE-DA-BEST!"

**Roboute:** "Damn straight peeps ... so's you is da Chapter Master yo?"

**Marneus Calgar:** "Yeah, I be that. Respect yo!"

**Roboute:** "Respect!"

_They meet fists, size each other up, then nod in respect to each other. It's probably not homoerotic or anything ... I swear._

**Roboute:** "So's, tell me what's been going down since I woz last 'ere?"

= P = R = I = M = A = R = C = H = S =

_Somewhere else, on the other side of the known galaxy, a dice is rolled ... _

**Falal:** "Oh yeah! Natural 20! Eat that Ahri!"

_Ahriman sighs as his orc barbarian character gets upstaged by a rogue with a crossbow and uncanny luck (but then, it is a __**god**__ doing the rolling here ...). _

**Ahriman:** "Well I handled the last Balor, so this one's all yours"

**Magnus:** "Do you get the feeling our characters might be a **little** broken if T is throwing Balor's at us when we're only level 14?"

**Ahriman:** "Don't be silly, just because your cleric hasn't cast a _Cure_ spell in over fourteen sessions doesn't mean we've munchkined our characters ... just means we're **good**"

**Tzeentch:** _Scratching her head behind the DM's screen._ "Hmm ... why the hell do they have to make all this so complicated ... so what abilities are you sacrificing your sneak attack to activate? Ah ... who cares. You all take 100 damage as the Balor explodes in your faces" _[Author's Confession: Almost wiped out the party with Balor death throes. Did more damage to them than the Balors themselves did ...]_

**Ahriman:** "Do you get the feeling we should be doing something more ... befitting our nature as ultimate badasses?"

**Magnus:** "We're playing hard-core D what could be more badass than that?"

**Falal:** "You guys are **such** nerds"

**Ahriman:** "Says the girl who almost burst into tears when her character was at -6 hit points and still bleeding"

**Falal:** "Yeah but that was **ages** ago. I've matured as a roleplayer since then"

**Ahriman:** "By power-gaming your character to the point where death is a remote dream for T"

**Tzeentch:** "Meh. You guys are falling quite nicely into my grand master plan for ultimate TPK"

**Ahriman:** "I'm calling bullshit on that"

**Tzeentch:** "Call it what you want, it'll still happen"

**Magnus:** "Any chance I can play the 'DM's Boyfriend' card for reduced damage?"

**Ahriman:** "Hey that's not fair! I want a DM's Boyfriend card!"

**Falal:** "Well we can give you one for Saul's game tomorrow. I'm sure he'll love that"

**Ahriman:** "Very funny"


	88. Chapter LXXXVIII

_On a distant world, orbiting a distant sun (although from where we're measuring this 'distant' thing I'm not sure ... Zanzibar perhaps?) two god-like figures adorned in glittering armour measure the worth of the other. The time has finally arrived; the epic clash of titans to decide once and for all who should have become Warmaster of the Imperium._

**Horus:** "Are you feeling confident Sanguinius? I will not go easy on you"

**Sanguinius:** "I would expect no less ... brother"

**Horus:** _Stares across the horizon. _"It would be difficult, are you prepared?"

**Sanguinius:** "I am ..."_ Raises his chosen weapon._ "So ... five iron?"

**Horus:** _Judges the distance to the hole once again._ "Hmm ... try a three"

**Sanguinius:** "Nice try, but I'll go with my instincts-"

**Mephiston:** _Holding Sanguinius' bag, clears his throat quite loudly._

**Sanguinius:** "-and Meph's advice, thank you"

**Horus: **_Shrugs._ "Fair enough, just offering some guidance ... being a good brother, and all that"

**Hecate:** "You? A good brother? Don't make me laugh"

_Both Horus and Sanguinius turn to regard their sister as she approaches them. Mephiston, meanwhile, suddenly discovers a matter of great interest in the complete opposite direction to Hecate. Thrall, Horus' caddy, is nonplussed (frankly it's doubtful if he has much emotion left), for not even Hecate's reality-defying Power Armour bikini (and don't ask how this works) seems to attract his attention. _

_Hecate, meanwhile, is accompanied by a small gang of angry-looking female Space Marines (and if we pause for a moment the sound of several thousand fluff fan boys simultaneously dying can be heard ...), one of which is holding a parasol above Hecate's head while another flicks through an ungodly large personal notepad. A third, at the back, chatters incessantly on the vox-unit. _

**Chatting Female Marine: **"No, she would **not** like to attend the Administratum's annual Scrolls and Quills Ball. Mistress Hecate prefers social gatherings devoid of lonely scriveners who haven't seen a woman since their mother stopped breast-feeding them"

**Horus:** "Morning Hec, morning girls"

_The parasol-holding marine blushes a deep red, while the one holding the mammoth notepad grins and bites her lip as some ... 'interesting' memories flash before her mind's eye. This is not lost on Hecate, who raises an eyebrow at the girl before returning her attention to her younger brother. _

**Hecate:** "You may have saved the universe from the perils of the C'tan, but is that any excuse to avoid duty and responsibilities to play **golf**?"

**Sanguinius:** "This is not just a golf game Hec – this is **revenge**"

**Hecate:** "Ah, I see. He-" _She points at Horus._ "-carves you into small bite-size chunks with lightning claws, so to get him back you-" _She points at Sanguinius._ "-decide to get a lower handicap"

**Sanguinius:** "That's the idea, yes. I don't know why you're complaining – you've always told me to seek more non-violent solutions to my problems"

**Hecate:** _Shrugs._ "A good point. So who's winning?"

**Sanguinius:** _His face grows dark._ "Horus – jammy bastard!"

**Horus:** _Smiles, and swings his club around. _"We've still got three holes to play San, whenever you get around to hitting the ball ..."

**Sanguinius:** "Well if people stop interrupting me" _He goes to tee off._

_A lone Black Legion thrall runs towards the group._

**Messenger:** "My lord Horus! Astropathic transmission from Terra!"

**Horus: **"Oh what the hell is it? Bring it here lets see"

**Sanguinius:** _Throwing up his arms in defeat._ "For the love of ...!"

**Horus:** _Reading the astropathic transmission. _"What the ... a celebration ... **in my honour?** These people do remember I tried to conquer the Imperium ten thousand-odd years ago don't they?"

**Hecate:** "I doubt it; history tends to get forgotten and dropped down the side of sofas around here ... when it's not being re-written between each edition"

**Horus:** "Wait ... it's signed by dad ..." _Stares in amazement at the other two._ "Is he trying to forgive me?"

**Sanguinius:** "Unlikely – he's probably remembered you've still got his season box set of _Alias_ and wants it back ... that or he's finally catching up on that loan he gave you for the limited edition signed baseball you simply **had** to buy off wBay"

**Horus:** "This seems suspiciously like a trap ..."

**Hecate:** "Then do what you usually do – walk blindly into it and act surprised when it goes off in your face. It's how you blundered through most of your life, so I don't see why you should act differently now"

**Horus:** "Harsh words sister"

**Sanguinius:** "But true ..."

**Horus:** "I don't need you commenting either feather-boy. Very well-" _Turns to the Thrall messenger._ "Send a reply back to Terra – the Black Legion shall return to Terra under banners of peace and bearing cake (delicious moist cake)"

**Messenger:** "Do we have cake sir?"

**Horus:** "Get Zaraphiston to summon something in the kitchen; guy insists he's the Gordon Ramsey of the 41st millennium so now is the time for him to prove it"

**Messenger:** _Bows._ "As my lord insists" _He turns and leaves._

**Horus:** "Right ... take your shot Sanguinius. No sense leaving until the game's finished"

**Sanguinius:** "I couldn't bloody agree more"

= P = R = I = M = A = R = C = H = S =

_Elsewhere in the universe, on the distant world of Medusa, the Primarch Ferrus Manus stumbles into the cold night air after an intense 200-hour marathon _Counter-Strike_ tournament._ _Iron-Father Prime supports him as they walk to where Ferrus last parked the Imperator Titan _Pure Pwnage_, a present from the Adeptus Mechanicus for his last birthday._

**Ferrus:** "Did you see that! Skills man! BOOM HEADSHOT! Lolz"

**Iron-Father Prime:** "Your skills with a sniper rifle are matched only by your ability to drink more than your natural anti-toxins can handle, my lord"

**Ferrus:** "Damn straight! I **demand** the right to get drunk! Stupid genetic engineering – tell me it's impossible! What do they know?"

**Prime:** "More than us, I believe. It would be wise to respect that. Now, we need to locate our method of transportation from the LAN venue ... oh"

**Ferrus:** "What?"

**Prime:** "It would seem we are lacking in titan transportation"

**Ferrus:** _Looks around, noticing nothing but clear empty fields for miles around the arena._ "Dude ... where's my titan?"

**Prime:** "Was it definitely here?"

**Ferrus:** "I may be drunk, but I can still remember where I parked an Imperator ... it was here"

**Prime:** "Then it seems someone has liberated the vehicle for their own purposes. I shall inform the Chapter"

**Ferrus:** "You do that ... I'm going to collapse here ... and dream of girls with fox tails and ears ..."

**Prime:** "As you wish my lord" _Rolls his eyes as he gently lowers Ferrus to the ground and switches on his vox-communicator._ "This is Iron-Father Optimus Prime to all Iron Hands in the area – we have a rogue Imperator titan on the lose. Neutralize, but be aware Lord Manus will dislike scratching on the paintwork"

**Ferrus:** "Damn straight ... and if anyone damages the neon under lights I **will** hurt them"


	89. Chapter LXXXIX

_A single candle provides all the illumination the writer needs as he furiously inscribes his latest creation with blood and papyrus scrolls. Several still-bleeding servo-skulls hover around, mindlessly attending to such mundane tasks as ensuring the clocks move forward to obverse British summer time (although by this time people have long forgotten the little island kingdoms of Great Britain, and can't even remember how to spell 'America' properly either for that matter). Several repeatedly fly into one of the many ornate carpets that hang up by the walls, battering all the dust out of its elegant material. Another tries in vain to clear away last night's takeaway pizza, or the remains of it._

_The purpose of all this unnecessary narrative attention on the mundane aspects of the scene? To highlight that Lorgar is once again enjoying an all-nighter to meet publishing deadlines (the joy of many an author I believe). As his quill furiously traverses the papyrus, his mind wanders the corridors of thought, seeking answers to his questions (like what to have for dinner tonight? Is Lelith still talking to me? What about the kids? My guild's arranging a raid of Karazhan tonight, should I attend with my level 70 mage? What if I meet Magnus there? I'll suffer another raid with that fool repeatedly pointing out what I'm doing wrong). _

_Hang on, what was I talking about?_

_Oh right, Lorgar ... alone ... writing his latest literary masterpiece. No doubt will __**not**__ be published by the Black Library any time soon, owning to the fact that Chaos probably wins, and the Imperium probably loses. Now we can't have that can we?_

**Lorgar:** "Do I sense some bitterness somewhere?"

_Dude, where were you for the last 90 chapters?_

**Lorgar:** "Good point ..."

_The doors to the private library/study burst open, and a heavily armoured Word Bearers Apostle strides in as if he owned the place. Such a huge ego could only belong to one individual: ladies and gentlemen please welcome everyone's favourite two-dimensional caricature of evil – Erebus!_

**Erebus: **"Damn straight. Lorgar my lord of **evil**!"

**Lorgar:** _Sighs as he puts away the quill._ "For the thousandth time this millennium, I'm trying to address certain unfortunate prejudices accumulated by bad publicity about our religion, and I could do without your insistence on treating us as the antagonists"

**Erebus:** "But sir ... we're evil. We have people's heads on spikes fastened to our shoulder pads and cooling-generator backpacks! We sing about slaughtering nations and stealing their porn! We kick orphans on the street and steal their pocket money! We're so totally evil!"

**Lorgar:** "Be that as it may, there's no need to advertise it. That just breeds bad PR"

**Erebus:** "PR?"

**Lorgar:** "Public Relations, Erebus. We're entering the forty-second millennium now, we need to advertise ourselves and secure lucrative contracts with greedy cable channels and fast food corporations. The extra revenue is always welcome, and could go to finance our decrepit machinery and weapons. When was the last time you cleaned your boltgun, for starters?"

**Erebus:** "Clean it? My lord – what use do we have for maintaining our arms and equipment?"

**Lorgar:** _Points at the servo-skull battering the carpet. _"Shoot that down with your side-arm"

**Erebus: **_Not quite understanding, but not going to refuse random violence, pulls out his side-arm and pulls the trigger. There's a squishy click, and lots of gore bursts out the other end, with the bolt round following to fall limply to the floor ... then explode._

**Lorgar:** "When was the last time you cleaned your bolt pistol Erebus?"

**Erebus:** "Er ... the Siege of Terra?"

**Lorgar:** "Then I'm impressed it didn't explode in your hands. We need money to maintain our equipment – we unfortunately killed all our techmarines when they refused to join our cause ... so we have to rely on our fellow chaosites over at the Dark Mechanicus Inc., and they run a profitable organisation that doesn't lend itself out to favours or IOU's"

**Erebus:** "So ... we need cash then?"

**Lorgar:** "And lots of it. Hence me being here writing. If I can get this book published, the Black-Library-In-Name-Only has promised me twenty percent in royalties, something we need if this book will be as big a hit as they claim"

**Erebus:** "And if it isn't?"

**Lorgar:** _He sighs._ "Then I might have to ask the wife if she could lend me some money. You know how rich the Kabalite Eldar are?"

**Erebus:** "I've no idea"

**Lorgar:** "They're responsible for two-thirds of all pornographic material in known existence; they sell countless trillions of magazines, DVDs, and interactive H-games in one minute than I believe my brother Ferrus has seen in his entire life, and that's without exaggeration"

**Erebus:** "Then why don't we enter that industry?"

**Lorgar:** "And compete with the Dirty Duo?"

**Erebus:** "The what?"

**Lorgar:** "The Dirty Duo – the dual mammoth presences of the Kabalite Eldar and the Slaaneshii Confederacy. They're the biggest, and frankly **only**, presences within the porn industry. **No one** can compete against them, and the only thing stopping one from monopolising the industry is that they can't defeat the other. It's like a stalemate, with neither being able to defeat the other"

**Erebus:** "That **is** a stalemate my lord ..."

**Lorgar:** "This is no time to correct me on anything Erebus. Bottom line – we need the cash. I suggest looking out for business opportunities from no on, instead of raping and pillaging Imperial worlds"

**Erebus:** "Any hints on where to start my search, my lord?"

**Lorgar:** _Reaches down beside him where several stacks of paper lie, moves some out the way, and shoves an advertising flyer in Erebus' face._ "Heard of this?"

**Erebus: **_Reads the flyer._ "'Grind Tournament Now Open! Sign Up For FullMetal Action!' Er ... what?"

**Lorgar:** "The annual Privateer Press Grind Tournament is now open, and I'm thinking we could enter. Winner gets a beefy amount of prize money, in the currency of their choice, of course. We could do with that cash, and we're only talking about taking on some badly sculpted steam-powered tin cans"

**Erebus:** "But only warjacks can enter, my lord. We don't have any"

**Lorgar:** "We have Dreadnoughts, do we not?"

**Erebus:** "But they're insane, my lord! We've had them watching repeated episodes of _Everybody Loves Raymond_ for the last few thousand years!"

**Lorgar: **"Well that makes them the perfect players, doesn't it? I task this to you, Erebus. Go and win this tournament for me!"

**Erebus:** "Er ... of course my lord" _Bows, then takes his leave._

_When Erebus is gone ..._

**Lorgar:** "Well that keeps him out of my way for now. What was it I can do for you Arhra?"

**Arhra:** _Stepping from the shadows. _"You knew I was here?"

**Lorgar:** "I've known since you arrived six hours ago. I fancied making you wait as a petty method of showing how ... **evil** I am"

**Arhra:** "Oh very mature ... anyway I think you know why I'm here"

**Lorgar: **_Shrugs. _"No idea. I'm guessing it's not tea and biscuits"

**Arhra:** "No thanks, had some before I left. So ... Mort or Fulgrim haven't said anything? Oh well that steals my thunder. Look ... we know you're Legion's strapped for cash, so I'm here representing a society with vast sums of money that we simply need to spend ... and I think you can help us out in that regard"

**Lorgar:** "What's the price?"

**Arhra:** "I need you to run a little errand for me ... a minor issue that needs addressing"

**Lorgar: **_Raises an eyebrow._

**Arhra:** "Have you head of-" _Dramatic music!_ "-the CABAL?"


	90. Chapter XC

_Several thousand light years from then nearest area of protracted warfare, a small planet orbits a lonely sun. On this planet are many cities, most as large as the ones we're used to. In one city is a busy shopping district, and within this shopping district is a small store with the red and yellow logo of 'Games Workshop' on the front. Inside the store several familiar figures stand round a table, watching Pete Haines getting owned by the greatest Iron Warrior player ever._

**Perturabo:** "End of Turn 1 ... and there doesn't seem to be much left for you Pete ..."

**Pete Haines:** _Breaks down and cries like a baby. Is escorted away from the table by Andy Chambers, who consoles him with encouraging words._

**Kerrigan:** "Hey! Fried steak tonight Andy! Forget to cook it properly and I'll tear you a new one!" _She smiles at Perturabo._ "Nice work there"

**Perturabo:** _Packing away his ungodly number of heavy weapons, Vindicators, and Obliterators. _"I have my moments, and frankly that felt damn good. Where to celebrate?"

**Angron:** "Well there's a nice pub somewhere around here ..."

**Kerrigan:** "I swear you guys seem to spend your entire lives in pubs. Where's your ambition? A drive to accomplish something?"

**Perturabo:** "I just schooled Pete Haines with Iron Warriors – I think that's accomplishment enough for one day. Plus I'm thirsty, and when it takes an ungodly amount of alcohol to make you even the slightest bit tipsy, you might as well take advantage of that"

**Angron:** "The Pert-man speaks the truth! Let us obey his worldly wisdom and seek a suitable refuge within which to down copious amounts of alcoholic beverages"

**Kerrigan:** "You men ..."

**Perturabo:** "So how's dominating the galaxy going then Sarah?"

**Kerrigan:** "Quiet! Or I'll Zergling rush your ass"

**Angron:** "That's **not** something you'd want to make an innuendo over, as a word of caution"

**Perturabo:** "As if I'd-"

_We interrupt Perturabo's comeback with an advancement in the plot, as the doors to the store burst ... OK fine, most stores leave the doors open anyway during open hours so people don't have the hassle of pushing open doors to enter a store (nothing says 'Piss Off!' like closed doors). So they don't burst open, she just walks through casually like she owns the place. What a way to ruin the drama ... who walks through? _

_Oh, Sylvanas Windrunner, the ill-tempered __**Other**__ Bitch Queen of the Blizzard Universe. _

**Kerrigan:** "What the **hell** are **you** doing here!"

**Sylvanas:** _Holds up a large silver case with the '25' logo on the side. _"Vampire Counts"

**Angron:** "You know her, Sarah?"

**Perturabo:** "Dude, are you completely ignorant to other franchises?" _Turns to Sylvanas. _"I'll give you a game if you don't mind fighting Skaven"

**Angron:** "Why am I not surprised you collect Skaven?"

**Perturabo:** "The ungodly number of long range weaponry?"

**Sylvanas:** _Setting up her figures on the board._ "That shall do ... I need to occupy time until the others get here"

**Perturabo:** _Placing on the table enough Ratling Guns to make Alessio Cavatore cry like a little baby. _"Others?"

**Sylvanas:** "It doesn't really concern you, Human"

**Perturabo:** "Doesn't concern me? Look here dear; I'm the fucking Primarch Perturabo – Lord of Cheese, He With A Big Beard, Iron Master of Turn 1 Mega-Death! One of the twenty ... er ... twenty **one** Primarchs! When in my galaxy **anything **concerns me!"

**Sylvanas:** "What? Prove it!"

**Perturabo:** _Holds out Primarch identity card._ "Proof enough?"

**Sylvanas:** "I guess ... but you're just a normal Human!"

**Perturabo:** "Oh this body? It's so I can play with 28mm scale miniatures and **not** crush them with massive Daemonic stature hands. My true form's currently packed away in a warp-spawned pocket dimension. I'll call it out when we leave the store – they don't design this place for 10' monstrous creatures, you know"

**Sylvanas:** "Oh ... well ... my apologies. I took you for another nacho-obsessed gaming geek who I'd have to endure staring at my breasts for the entire game ..." _She sighs._

**Perturabo:** "Don't flatter yourself dear, I prefer my women with a pulse ... or at least some semblance of body heat ..."

**Sylvanas:** _She glares, then turns to Sarah._ "So who's the boyfriend you're hanging onto?"

**Angron:** _His human form resembles the stereotypical American high-school football jock, who extends a hand over the table._ "Angron of the World Eaters Legion. Pleasure to meet a friend of Sarah's"

**Sylvanas:** "Oh we're not friends – different universes, after all"

**Perturabo:** "It's like you and Konrad hanging out together"

**Angron:** "But we do ... we've got a Genocide Weekend break arranged for next month. Just the two of us ... an entire planet of innocent civilians to butcher ... should be good"

**Kerrigan:** "Wow ... sometimes I wonder what I see in you ... and then you come out with something like that and remind me why I love you"

**Sylvanas:** "Oh ... charming ... can I raise them when you're finished?"

**Perturabo:** "Enough with my brother's preferred method of relaxing – what are you doing here Miss Windrunner? You said you were waiting for someone?"

**Sylvanas:** _She leans over the table._ "Have you heard of the-" _Dramatic music._ "-Draenei?"

**Perturabo:** "For a moment there I thought she was going to say Cabal ..."

**Angron:** "Same here ... funny that"

**Sylvanas:** "Cabal?"

**Perturabo:** "Yeah we've heard of the Draenei – I've got a level 67 Paladin on the go. What about them?"

**Sylvanas:** "You're aware of the **huge** ret-con Blizzard went through to incorporate them into the background?"

**Perturabo:** "Hell yeah. Made us feel better – we're having our own share of massive lore re-writes around here. My brother Alpharius suddenly discovered a twin he had hidden down the back of the sofa the other day ... hilarity ensued, I can tell you"

**Sylvanas:** "Well ... there's **rumours abound** that it's ... **seeking** ... other ret-cons ... places where established canon background is weak and malleable. It's **feeding** ..."

**Angron:** "You make it sound like it's alive"

**Sylvanas:** "We're not sure ourselves ... but strange things have been going on recently ..."

**Perturabo:** "I'm thinking it was a bad idea to give Merrett his laptop back ... speaking of which did we double-check ourselves for inconsistencies?"

**Angron:** "Don't think so"

**Sylvanas:** "Our greatest champions are to meet me here to investigate the strange signs our scriers have detected" _She leans even closer. _"There's strange changes in the wind"

**Perturabo:** "Angron; contact Magnus and ask him what his girlfriend's up to"

**Sylvanas:** "Not her. Something bigger ... something older ... something unbelievably ancient and powerful is moving ..."

**Perturabo:** "Wow ... can you be any more **ambiguous**?"

**Sylvanas:** "Oh come on! I'm trying for the enigmatic here!" _Stands up straight and puts her hands on her hips in annoyance._

**Perturabo:** "You've got skeleton spear men stuck to your breasts"


	91. Chapter XCI

_**What is a reflection? If not something that reflects? But what can one see in a reflection ... but a reflection of oneself? If you look at your reflection, then surely your reflection looks back? It is ... after all ... your reflection. Interesting ...**_

**Fulgrim:** "DR ... are you narrating again?"

_**He talks ... the sounds move particles in the air into my ears ... they feel ... soft ... like marsh mellows or a woman's breast ... hmm ... marsh mellows ... I could do with some about now. Soft and tasty ... like a woman's breast ... but they're marsh mellows ... so infinitely more edible.**_

**Fulgrim:** "Stop narrating and get over here ... I think I just snorted some washing up powder by mistake ..."

_**Hmm ... deadly ... but should clean his nose out. A squeaky clean nose smells things better, that's what my mum always said before shoving talcum powder up there ... that hurt ... but my nose was clean and I could smell the daffodils! Daffodils and cow turds! Ah ... good times ...**_

**Fulgrim:** "I think I just injected super glue into myself ... it's clogging up the arteries!"

**Carl:** "Wow ... major bummer ... like totally ... **dude** ... wow ..."

_**Strange ... what am I doing here with this characters? Why is my dialogue in italics? Where's my name? How is the reader supposed to know it's me talking? Interesting ... I must subscribe to this newsletter and seek additional information ... like kitten-huffing ... that sounds exciting ... where can I find some cats? Slaanesh should have plenty ... she's always snapping their necks ... people talk about fluff too much these days ... stuffed animals ... lots of fluff in stuffed animals. Should get some stuffed animals and huff them. **_

**Carl:** "Dude ... not there!"

**Fulgrim:** "OHMYGODTHEPAIN!"

_**Nasty ... speaking of which those flying rippers are back ... lots of teeth ... they want to nibble on my candy bar! They won't get it! Never!**_

**Doomrider:** "We can't stop here – this is Ripper country!"

**Carl:** _Revving the throttle on his bike._ "Too true man! I see the Rippers! Lets ride!"

_He speeds off into a nearby lamp post._

**Fulgrim:** "Dude ... like ... dude ... with ... dude ..."

= P = R = I = M = A = R = C = H = S =

**Malcador:** "My lord, did you hear about your son Ferrus?"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **_Without looking up from the masses of paperwork that demands his god-like attention (and appropriate god-like highlighter pen). _"What ungodly thing has he posted on the Internet this time?"

**Malcador:** "Thankfully nothing, so far. Instead it seems he's misplaced an Imperator Titan"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **_He frowns, then continues to highlight parts of Administratum documents that MAKE NO GODS-DAMN SENSE (like most government paperwork is wont to do)._ "How did he manage that?"

**Malcador:** "It appears that he was showing off his new rig to his Chapter at one of their annual LAN conventions, then after a particularly heavy few weeks of gaming, returned to find the god-machine was not where he remembered parking it"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"Inform the Fabricator General of Mars that my son has once again proved his limitless capacity for stupidity, and assure her the Titan **will** be found, or I will personally go to Medusa and beat the seven shades of shit out of him ... then take away his Internet access"

**Malcador:** "A threat most assured to inspire action on Lord Manus' behalf, I'm sure"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!:** _Sits back, looks at the paperwork he's done, looks at the paperwork still to do, sighs, then obliterates the 'To Do' pile with the righteous fire of a man who can't be bothered, and has the psychic mega-death powers to address this. _"Inform the Administratum that they once again Fail at everything, then have them all crucified for being useless"

**Malcador:** "All of them?"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"Why not? I could do with the hanging corpses of the useless to add to the Gothic décor around this place ... speaking of which. These Black Ships that keep popping up with psykers for me to apparently eat ... as I'm now quite happy to chew down the local Big Mac (the Deceiver makes a **mean** burger) I think we should put these guys and girls to better use. Make **them** the Administratum staff"

**Malcador:** "Is that wise sir?"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"Did it come out of my mouth, in my voice, and obviously was said by me?"

**Malcador:** "Touché, my lord"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"Damn straight ... what's this?"_ He looks at a scroll handed to him by a lobotomised servitor (who, unlike most Administratum staff, has an __**excuse**__ to be a dull two-dimensional personality). _"What ... the ... **fuck?**" _Reaches across his desk and picks up the BLUE PHONE off it's hook. _"Hello? Is this the residence of Shattrath? Yeah? A'dal? Hey buddy it's Tracy here ... last Legion of the Awesome Light Convention? Yeah! That's the one! Hey, I've got reports here of some guys from your franchise invading mine ... what's up with that?"

_Malcador raises an eyebrow._

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"On a mission of critical importance to the entirety of geekdom? Well ... if you say so ... hey say hi to Anduin for me, that 360 he asked for is in the post in time for his eleventh birthday ... cheers!" _The phone hits the hook._ "What a bunch of tossers, the lot of them ... honestly, **every single one** has that self-righteous arrogance that I swear must ooze out of the soil over there. Joke's on them ... found out how to kite Kazzak to Stormwind the other day"

**Malcador:** "My lord, doesn't Doom Lord Kazzak reside in Outland now?"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"And that's going to stop **me** how?"

**Malcador:** "Again, touché my lord. I forget the normal laws of reality do not apply to one such as yourself"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"Damn straight. My first character on WoW was a level 90 Mage ... back in the days **before** any of the expansions came out ... heh heh ... good times ... noobs didn't know what hit them"

**Malcador:** "My lord once again demonstrates the proper conduct within an MMORPG ... cheat"

_The EMPEROR OF MANKIND! Raises an eyebrow._

**Malcador:** "Not that I'm condemning it ... of course"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"I should hope not. How do you think I won the Unification Wars? Tactical superiority? Meh ... don't make me laugh. Right ... track down these Blizzard-tainted infiltrators and keep an eye on them. I don't want them bringing any of that ridiculous juvenile moral principles they keep harping on about in every game. When you can recognise the bad guys by their theme music you know the universe has just hit rock bottom"

**Malcador:** "This is because they refuse to invite you to their parties, isn't it?"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"So they have issues with my ruling methods? Come on! What dictator **doesn't** commit mass genocide every day to keep the red tape down? What do they know? Their human empire is being ruled by a polymorphed black dragon, and backwards old fart, and a ten-year old brat! Don't get me started on the other Alliance races, **especially** those gods-damn Night Elves! Pity the Horde hate our guts"

**Malcador:** "Well Thrall and Gazghkull are age-old drinking buddies, and where Thrall goes the rest of the Horde generally follow ... or shuffle in the case of the Forsaken ... or bitch, whine, then follow for the Blood Elves ... so it doesn't surprise me you lack a red phone on your desk"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **_Looks at the collection of phones decorating his desk._ "I want a red one ..."

**Malcador:** "We could ask the Brotherhood of Nod?"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"Hey ... that sounds like a plan ..." _The blue phone begins ringing, and the EMPEROR OF MANKIND! picks it up._ "Hello?"

**Whiny Kid: **"YOU PROMISED ME AN **ELITE** 360! YOU SENT ME THE CRAPPY ARCADE PACKAGE! I HATE YOU! I'M GONNA GET MY DADDY TO KICK YOUR ASS ... when we find him ... loud sound of a raspberry being blown down the line" _He hangs up._

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **_Looks at the phone for a moment, then picks up another one. _"Hey ... Sarah, it's me Tracy. How's my favourite daughter-in-law? Listen, could you do me a favour? It involves a zergling rush, Doom Lord Kazzak and Stormwind ... hey hey! I knew you'd be interested ..."

**Malcador:** "You, my lord, are a wonderful monster"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!:** "I have my moments"


	92. Chapter XCII

_From atop the highest battlements of the Imperial Palace, one can observe the countless billions toiling in utter pointlessness below – trying to live their pitiful lives one day at a time. With this wonderfully depressing thought in mind, we pull back the camera to observe the glorious Rogal Dorn, Primarch of the Imperial Fists, defender of the weak, protector of the innocent, and all-round awesome dude, approach the cloaked figure that occupies his time by fulfilling the before mentioned observation._

**Dorn:** "Morning Malc"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"It's me you fool"

**Dorn:** "Oh, sorry dad! It's hard to tell you and Malc apart when you're dressed like that ... no offence but you're both old men in hooded cloaks ..."

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"But my cloak's got 'awesome' written all over it"

**Dorn:** "If 'awesome' could be written as plain grey with no distinguishing markings ... then yes I would agree with you there" _He notices three figures walking up the thousand (and one) steps below to the uppermost tier of the whole mile-long stairway/plaza extravaganza that leads to the Imperial Palace's front door (a side exit round the back is used for pizza deliveries). _"Who the hell are they?"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"The reason why I'm up here. I **hate** these diplomatic visits, especially from people I can't stand, and those three I can't stand most of all ... except maybe Leto II ... 'Golden Path' my ass ..."

**Dorn:** "So who are they? I think I recognise that guy in the centre"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"You should – he's from out sister franchise _Warhammer Fantasy Battles_ ..."

**Dorn:** _Leans over the balcony, as if the small decrease in distance would make the distant figure any more clearer. _"Nagash?"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"Yup ... and standing beside him is 'I get **two** whole expansions packs' Arthas, otherwise known as the Liche King of Fail, and Alexia Ciannor"

**Dorn:** "Who?"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"The Necromancer bitch from the Iron Kingdoms ... you know ... Warmachine-verse?"

**Dorn:** "Oh ... never heard of her. For a minute I thought that was Anita Blake"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"I wish ... she'd screw anything that breathes. Can't tell you how long it's been since I last had a decent-"

**Dorn:** "Dad, what did we discuss about subjects no son wants to hear his father talk about?"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"My sex life?"

**Dorn:** "In any form ... so why those three? Are we forging some sort of trans-franchise alliance here?"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"Don't be ridiculous! Two of them are from incredibly annoying **American** franchises, and I can't stand anyone from WFB – they can't spend five minutes without subtly reminding me that they've got the better rule set"

**Dorn:** "You know, sometimes dad you can be the epitome of a grumpy old English bastard"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"Damn proud of it too! No, they're not here representing any franchise. They're here because they're the best damn Necromancers I can even remotely suffer in person, and since we're a galaxy of unceasing war we've got a major corpse problem"

**Dorn:** "Corpse problem?"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"Yes son – it's what appears when a perfectly healthy soldier goes from 'alive' to 'dead'. Annoying, I realise, but unfortunately what happens when you don't have clerics hanging at the back of the battle lines casting _Resurrection_ every second. It's a fact of war, son – people die. Unfortunately, what to do with all those corpses is another problem"

**Dorn:** "Which you're trying to solve with Necromancers?"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"Hell yeah – I won't take death as an excuse not to die in my name!"

**Dorn:** "That makes so much no sense ... are you leaving it all to Malc?"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"Yup. I'm don't socialise with anyone who isn't at least a tenth as awesome as I am"

**Dorn:** _He sighs._

= P = R = I = M = A = R = C = H = S =

_Meanwhile, another familiar face is finding the bureaucracy a little irritating .._

**Alpharius:** "Oh good grief what do they want now?"

**O'Soryu:** _Standing in the doorway looking just as annoyed as Alpharius is, although she, at least, is dressed. _"The usual – to discuss the trade agreements further until you bend round their slippery tongues and agree to everything they demand"

**Alpharius:** _Rubbing a towel through his soaking wet hair, the steam from the high-powered (Tau Technology FTW!) shower he has just left filters through his stately room._ "I told them my word was final! FINAL! End – of – frikkin' – discussion! There is no more discourse to be had on it! No further talking! Talking – no further! The speaking ends with this monologue! Is that not hard to understand?"

**O'Soryu:** "Very nice ... now repeat all that to those guys – not me!"

**Alpharius:** _Spots an unopened letter on his bed. _"Maybe later ... what's this?"

**O'Soryu:** "Oh that came earlier this morning, you were asleep and I didn't want to wake you so I left it there for whenever you woke up ..."

**Alpharius:** _Picks up the letter and opens it. _"Hmm ... it's from Omegon ... he wants to meet up about something horribly indescribable that could potentially destroy the universe"

**O'Soryu:** "Really?"

**Alpharius:** "No it's money-off vouchers from HMV"

**O'Soryu:** "Well that's anti-climatic ..."

**Alpharius:** "My apologies" _He moves closer and wraps his arms around her._ "How about I make it up to you?"

**O'Soryu:** "I don't know, I have high expectations"

**Alpharius:** _Lowering his head to hers. _"I think I can rise to the challenge ..."

_There is an uncomfortable pause._

**Alpharius:** "That was **so** bad ..."

**O'Soryu:** _With a flying kick knocks him back onto the bed._ "Oh you are going to **pay** for that!"

**Alpharius:** "Why do I get the feeling I'm going to need to order a new bed again?"

= P = R = I = M = A = R = C = H = S =

_We pull away from that disturbing scene (no doubt DeviantArt has the graphic portrayal sorted already) to the narrow alleyways of a distant urban world. It's night, and crime is rife in the streets ... but fear not! Innocent unnamed civilians! A new band of superheroes have arrived!_

_THE NIGHT LORDS!_

**Night Lord Marine:** "We're **fighting crime**?"

**Konrad:** "Damn straight! Me, the Assassin Balls, and you guys! A super-powered justice league!"

**Night Lord Marine:** "I think we're going to get sued ..."

**Konrad:** "Nonsese! NIGHT LORDS! WHAT'S OUR MOTTO!"

**Night Lords:** "Never say die?"

**Konrad:** "There's irony at play here, isn't there?"

**Night Lord Marine:** "That can be our new weapon! IRONY! FEAR IT! FEAR IT LIKE US! ... er ... that's only if you're a criminal of course ..."

**Konrad:** "I see we have some way to go ..."


	93. Chapter XCIII

_Across time and space, across the gulf between world, across that mighty void where no sound can travel, a scream is heard (how's that for typical science-fiction author style of __**completely ignoring the laws of physics**__?). The cry carries the sheer primal anger of the creature, a depth of rage beyond that of mere mortal men such as ourselves, dear reader. This is rage beyond comparison, this is anger of the likes which no mere man has experienced. This is RAGE!_

_Atop the highest peaks of the Fang one can hear the cry coming from below. Let us pan downwards, entering this magnificent structure, wrapped by the eternal blizzards of this part of Fenris. Entering the structure, we move through countless torch-lit corridors and pass dozens of rooms from the smallest bunks of the Chapter serfs to the mighty chapels where the Wolf Priests preach the wisdom of the ancients. We enter the grand eating hall of legend, where Leman Russ once toasted the victories of the Crusade and drank endlessly with his sons until all song had been reduced to Led Zeppelin recitations (the inevitable result of a good booze-up). Here, Leman Russ once again stands with his sons, but it is not joy that fills their hearts (nor alcohol fills their stomachs) ..._

**Russ:** "By the Gods! Have I been forsaken? My Emperor! My Father! Why have you forsaken me?"

**Logan Grimnar:** "My Lord Russ! I too share your rage and anguish! To think your long-prophesied return would be clouded by such despair! I rage against this! I rage against that! I rage in general!" _Kicks over a chair in his anger._

**Ragnar Blackmane:** "Give me endless Ork hordes, give me the foul sorceries of the Thousand Sons, give me the trickery and deception of the Eldar, but take this evil from us! I beg you Emperor! Return our salvation!"

_He falls to his knees and laments. The thousands of Space Wolves around them do likewise. The sorrow is so great, even the Fang itself cries in frustration, and the wind outside howls as well. _

_Into this scene strides the legendary Wolf Priest Ulrik, leading the re-awakened Bjorn, his armoured dreadnought chassis hissing and clunking along the stone passageways (which apparently are large enough for a Dreadnought. Guess they build them to support giant walking death-machines ...)._

**Ulrik:** "What the hell is all this melodramatics?"

**Bjorn:** "No beer?"

**Russ:** _Rising to his feet. _"THERE ... IS ... NO ... BEER!" _He bellows once again, and the wind answers with its own call to anger._

**Bjorn:** "So? Pop down to the off-license and get something then. God-Emperor-almighty, you haven't change a bit have you?"

**Russ:** _Falls to his knees._ "There ... is ... no ... beer ..."

**Bjorn:** "Oh all right, I'll go. What does everyone fancy?"

_Fast-forward several hours, to take into account the nearest off-license (a small local shop that specialises in alcohol, due to the general laws against selling such drinks here in Britain) is in fact on the other side of the continent, and Thunderhawks still have a flight speed (and __**aren't**__ instantaneous transportation), we find Bjorn outside a small shop chatting to the owner inside._

**Bjorn:** "Er ... that'll be twenty-two thousand cans of _Squatfoster_, eighty-two thousand cans of _Commissar Smith's_, and thirty-thousand cans of _Strongbolter_ please ... and sixty thousand packets of salted peanuts ... cheers. How's the kids, by the way?"

**Off-licence Owner: **"Growing up fast, want to be Space Marines when they get old enough. That's so adorable ..."

**Bjorn:** "And the 3% success rate for becoming a Space Marine doesn't bother you?"

**Off-licence Owner:** "Oh good God-Emperor no, it's all in the service of our bright golden AWESOME One isn't it? What better way to senselessly die and suffer your soul being torn apart by eldritch horrors from beyond time and space?"

**Bjorn:** "I guess ..."

**Off-licence Owner:** "They're good kids – I'm sure they'll do fine!"

**Bjorn:** _Leaving the shop with the trucks of beverages following. _"Strange woman ..."

_When Bjorn has left the vicinity of the shop, the owner walks into a back room, and strange whirls of magic surround her. When they have dissipated, some neat Tier 6 gear no adorns her perfect size SWF (that's Standard Warcraft Female) figure. Jaina Proudmoore, leader of Theramore, daughter of Grand Admiral Daelin, destroyer of demons, Thrall's old flame-_

**Jaina:** "What?"

_Ahem ... yeah she's apparently an awesome spellcaster or something ... watch her get pwned by our Magnus later in the story._

**Jaina:** "Oh thanks. Great introduction, by the way. Damn ... forgot my lines now ..."

_'Just as planned', dear._

**Jaina:** "Er ... yeah ... that. Just as planned ... those Wolves will be enjoying their drink tonight ..."

_She looks around, checking no one is in sight, then quietly cackles to herself in a fairly evil manner. Afterwards she blushes in embarrassment then scurries off to watch more click flicks until the appointed time arrives. _

_Speaking of which ... the next morning we return our gaze to that mighty drinking hall to find a thousand Space Wolves slowly waking up after a hard night's drinking. Russ is the first to rise (naturally) and finds himself staring up into the face of Ulrik. _

**Ulrik:** "We have a problem"

_The problem does indeed turn out to be somewhat dire ..._

**Russ:** "My bloody Spear's gone!"

**Ragnar:** "I thought you didn't like the thing?"

**Russ:** "I don't, but it's **mine!** It's my bloody spear, and some bastard's offed with it!"

**Ulrik:** "I've got a small team checking the place and going through the servo-skull security tapes, but so far whoever committed this act was quite talented ... headache?"

**Russ:** _Holding his head with one hand._ "Yeah ... that wasn't the normal stuff we had ..."

**Ulrik:** "Hmm ... might have been drugged ..." _He turns to a random serf. _"Contact Bjorn and check where he bought the beer, then dispatch a team under the command of one of our finest Wolf Guard to see where the supplier obtained the beverages"

_The serf nods then hurries away._

**Russ:** "Bloody hell ... I feel like a fool ..."

**Ulrik:** "Relax ... such devious and underhanded methods are probably the mark of our old enemies, the Thousand Sons ... contact Magnus and tell him to give it back"

**Russ:** "Probably thinks it's all a barrel full of laughs, the big red twit ..."

**Ulrik:** "Never trust the Thousand Sons ... there's not even a thousand of them ... and swear they're recruiting women now, which throws the whole 'sons' bit out the window ..."

**Russ:** "Aye ... when you get Preferred Enemy ... it sticks through editions"

**Ulrik:** "Like Gav Thorpe ..."

**Russ:** "Ack! That be a harsh thing to say Ulrik. You surprise me laddie"

_We pull back out from this conversation, beyond the Fang, out to the distant mountains where two figures stand observing the Chapter fortress as it slowly awakens to what has transpired that night._

**Jaina:** "Here you go, one Spear of generic purple epic gear" _She hands the Spear of Russ to the figure standing next to her. _

**Thrall:** "An excellent performance, this is what we need? You are sure of this?"

**Jaina:** "If my divinations are correct, this is what we need to open the Chamber"

**Thrall:** "And if it isn't?"

**Jaina:** _/emote frustration._ "Then we find something more powerful. It's not the end of the world, after all this place is full of random powerful probably-demonic-in-origin magical artefacts we can use to get into the Chamber before those Legion bastards!"

**Thrall:** "Too true ... hey can I smell beer?"

**Jaina:** "You **don't** want to taste it – trust me"


	94. Chapter XCIV

_Atop the great plateau stand the warriors of lightning, straddling the mighty vehicles they ride upon into battle. Their leader raises a single hand, and silence is heard (how can you hear silence? Who writes like this anyway?) from his kinsmen. _

**Khan:** _penetrating gaze_

**White Scars Captain:** _penetrating gaze?_

**Khan:** _He nods. penetrating gaze_

**White Scars Captain:** _penetrating gaze! Raises his power glaive high above his head_. "For the Khan and the Emperor!"

**White Scars Marines:** _Raise their own weapons in a similar manner. penetrating gazes!_

_The White Scars rev the engines of their bikes, pull down the 'dark and menacing shades' extension to their helmets, and let fly the black leather jackets covering their armour. Releasing the power of their AdMech-approved motorbike engines, the White Scars speed down the side of the plateau to confront the enemy below._

_Several miles away, another Primarch watches the progress of his battle-brothers with barely restrained amusement. Correcting the slight slant to his shades, Vulcan turns round to his best Captains – hand-picked himself after a series of tests designed to carefully and scientifically measure the sheer badassery of his Marines. They all scored over nine thousand, of course._

**Vulcan:** "So, options?"

**Chapter Master Tu'Shan:** "We stand upon the edge of an abyss; to fall in is to allow our brothers from the White Scars to perform greater acts of badassery than us. This is not acceptable"

**Captain Norris:** "Agreed. The White Scars lack physical prowess, which they attempt to make up for with over-sized pimped-up bikes"

**Captain Bauer: **"They lack conviction, determination, and our ability to go without toilet breaks for a whole twenty-four hours"

**Chapter Master Tu'Shan:** "Points well made my Captains; if we allow the White Scars to obtain the best kills, we will certainly cease from becoming meme"

**Vulcan:** "Then enough with the talk! Every word uttered gives my brother Khan another moment to prove his false belief that he is more hardcore than I am!" _Cries of righteous anger and indignation arise from the Salamanders. _"To arms brothers! Destroy the Ork foe! Burn his ashes, and look utterly awesome while doing so!"

_The Salamanders charge into combat with the Orks; there is much blood spilt, and much awesome display of battle prowess. The killing goes on into the night, seemingly without end, but eventually dawn breaks ... to reveal the killing still has no stopped. _

_We might need to come back to this later._

= P = R = I = M = A = R = C = H = S =

_Instead, let us cast our attention elsewhere in the war-torn galaxy of _Warhammer 40,000_, and observe the efforts of a familiar character and his estranged daughter (as common fan-fiction has demanded, and who am I to argue with such a perfect relationship?)._

**Eldrad Ulthran:** "I'm not arguing any more; my word is final! End of discussion, end or argument, end of this conversation!"

**Taldeer: **"But dad!"

**Eldrad Ulthran:** "What did I say? End of argument! Let us consult the runes!" _He throws several small wraithbone shards before him, looks at them for a moment, then looks back up at Taldeer._ "See? The ancestors agree; they tell you to shut up and listen to the wisdom of your father"

**Taldeer:** _Folds her hands and summons the Eldar version of sarcasm (which, like most Eldar emotions, is like ours but ten times worse). _"The same wisdom that told you to try and Mind War a possessed Talisman of Vaul?"

**Eldrad Ulthran:** "No back-chat! For the love of Isha will someone grant me a _Silence_ spell to rid me of my dear beloved daughter's continuous insistence of having the last word! Can the Crone rid me of her infatuations with inappropriate individuals, while we're at it? Last time it was a Human of the Vindicare Temple, now ... a **Space Marine**?"

**Taldeer:** "At least meet him father! Mephiston's not like the others! He's a gentleman, and understands the pain of a Seer"

**Eldrad Ulthran:** "He's still Human ... somewhat. That's enough **not** to understand! Humans never understand anything! Their entire existence is based on **not** **understanding** anything! How did their 'Horus Heresy' begin? By not understanding the dangers of Chaos. How did their empire become so corrupt? By not understanding effective galaxy-wide governmental management. How do they butter toast? With the same knife they will then use to spread on the jam (how revolting is that?). Do I need go on?"

**Taldeer:** "Father! Please!"

**Eldrad Ulthran:** "I have spoken! The Gods themselves listen!"

**Taldeer:** "Our Gods are hiding in embarrassment after realising they all slept with Slaanesh"

**Eldrad Ulthran:** "You have an answer for **everything**, don't you?"

**Taldeer:** "Learning, are we?"

**Eldrad Ulthran:** _He rages, as all fathers do in despair at the immovable object that is their daughter's wishes._ "Fine! I'll meet him! Bring him here as soon as possible, through the Webway if necessary, and I'll give this new relationship of yours my blessings ... if he passes"

**Taldeer:** "Passes? You make it sound like a test"

**Eldrad Ulthran:** "Excellent, I'm glad nothing got lost in translation between our generation gap ... because it **is** a test"

**Taldeer:** "What sort of tests will you be subjecting my boyfriend to?"

**Eldrad Ulthran:** _He cringes at the use of the word 'boyfriend'. _"Oh the normal potentially lethal examinations this universe seems to love. Probably involves Chaos somehow (everything usually does)"

**Taldeer: **"I can't believe you dad ... I really can't ..." _She storms off to her room._

_Eldrad watches her departure, then sighs as he returns his attention to the complex runes he was studying before she burst into his study (appropriate name for the room, I now realise). _

_We follow Taldeer as she returns to her own abode, and immediately logs onto her MSN Warp-Messenger account. Smiling, she notices that many of her friends are on-line, and an evening decrying her father's actions can commence. Here's a small taster, because I'm evil like that:_

_**TDB41: d**__ads lke so unfar!11_

_**machalovesyouall:**__ wht happnd?/_

_**TDB41:**__ wants to see mephi_

_**machalovesyouall:**__ :D_

_**TDB41:**__ not good – wants 2 kill him wth evl tests_

_**machalovesyouall:**__ :O_

_**TDB41: **__hav to get hm to like mephi – ideas?_

_**machalovesyouall:**__ yeh – i got som ideas_

_And I'll leave you with that ... horrible text speak. May we all pray to the Emperor to send his fiery angels of Proper Usage of the English Language to cleanse with holy flame such foul speak. _

**Taldeer:** "Hey! At least I don't use it in real life!"


	95. Chapter XCV

_As many plots begin to form, and events are put into motion, we return to some of our earlier scenes. On the subject of what Horus and Sanguinius are doing; as Horus races to Terra, his equally egotist brother engages in his second greatest activity:_

**Sanguinius:** "Mirror, mirror on the wall ... who's the most GAR of them all?"

**Mirror:** "Come again? That's your question? Look at me – a ten thousand year old device of immense power, with the ability to see the entire universe and answer a single question any one individual may pose to me, and you ask me **that? **I don't even fething know what that means; how am I supposed to answer that question?"

**Sanguinius:** "Some magical artefact you are! I traded seventeen Thunderhawks, twelve Rhinos, twenty Predators, and a Warhound for you and you can't even understand Internet jargon!"

**Mirror:** "What the hell were you doing with a Warhound?"

**Sanguinius:** "A minor issues, now answer the question – who is the most manly badass in the universe?"

**Mirror:** "That's it? That's all you're going to ask? I can reveal the underlying secrets of the universe – tell you who really runs this place, who the two unknown C'tan really are, what the Illuminati are up to, who the Cabal are, the whole consequences of the Star Child ... and you just want to flatter your ego?"

**Sanguinius:** "Yes"

**Mirror:** "Fair enough ... you're generally ranked about 4th in _Cosmopolitan's Top 100 Sexiest Men in the 40K Universe_"

**Sanguinius:** _His temper flares. _"Fourth? Mere **fourth**? Me? Fourth? Who ranks higher than me?"

**Mirror:** "Sorry, one question per individual only. Thank you for your time" _The mirror, which has so far been a fantastic kaleidoscope of colours, fades to a dull reflective surface. _

**Sanguinius:**_ Speaking through clenched teeth._ _"_This ... will ... not ... do!"

_There is a polite knock on the ornate wooden doors leading into Sanguinius' personal room, the type of knock made by an individual who knows that he has arrived at the wrong time, but must proceed into the room anyway, and regrets this deeply. Yet at the same time knows he cannot contain the curiosity as to what has made his Primarch so deeply annoyed, and despite the obvious danger desires to enter through the portal anyway and see what's up. Yes indeed, a simple knock can contain so much to those who know what to listen for (or are writing this story and know the character's mindsets like the back of their ... did I always have a mole there?). _

**Sanguinius:** _Knowing who is behind the door with his Super Primarch Senses TM. _"Enter Mephiston"

**Mephiston:** _Slowly opens the door and pokes his blonde head in. _"Er ... bad time Oh Angel of Blood?"

**Sanguinius:** "Exeedingly, but do not allow this mere fact to spoil your delivery of whatever reason brings you into my private sanctum ..." _He leans closer, and brings the full force of PRIMARCH FEAR into Mephiston. The Lord of Death, of course, is just mildly off-put._ "It **is** a good reason, is it not Mephiston?"

**Mephiston:** "Several reasons actually ... first is that Lemartes informs me that since your glorious resurrection, the Red Thirst is growing weaker each day. Last week only four Marines requested shipments of Chaos Black spray to their quarters"

**Sanguinius:** "This is glorious news Mephiston! We must drink and celebrate the freedom of our Chapter from the curse it has suffered for ten thousand years! This calls for wine! Lots of wine! And ABBA! Lots of ABBA!"

**Mephiston:** _Trying not to back away in fear now._ "Er ... there is a small issue ... the Red Thirst seems to have been replaced by something far more sinister. Instead of visions of your death, my lord, our brothers seem to be experiencing visions of auditioning for the role of 'Joseph' before an 'Andrew Lloyd Webber'"

**Sanguinius:** "The very dream that haunts my sleep! My Chapter shares my greatest hope and aspiration! My sons and I are now truly one!"

**Mephiston:** _Quite thankful now that he defeated the Red Thirst many years ago. _"Yes, my lord ... there is one final thing I want to ask of you ..."

**Sanguinius:** _Dancing around the room, humming the tune to 'Any Dream Will Do'_ "Ask away!"

**Mephiston:** "Can I borrow a frigate? It's a small trip; should be back before lunch ..."

**Sanguinius:** "By all means! Go, my son!" _Continues to dance._

_Mephiston bows, then hastily retreats. Sanguinius continues to dance ..._

= P = R = I = M = A = R = C = H = S =

_Surrounded by an unholy number of monitors, wall-screens, and banks of LCDs, Ferrus Manus is in his element (surrounded by an unholy number of monitors, wall-screens, and banks of LCDs)._

**Ferrus Manus:** "Where the **hell** is it?"

**SHODAN:** "Pitiful creature ... losing such magnificent god-machine as an Imperator Titan ... like our anniversary ... both concepts of great magnitude ... forgotten by my foolish-"

**Ferrus Manus:**_ Muttering out of the corner of his mouth. "_Please dear, not in front of the guys ..."

**Captain Prime:** "My lord, our scouts have completed their sweep of Medusa. The Imperator has not been found. We can safely assume our worst fears have been realised – we have a rogue Imperator Titan loose in this sector"

**Ferrus Manus:** _Grimaces._ "Dad's going to kill me"

**Captain Prime:** "I'd be more concerned about the Fabricator General of Mars, if I'd were you, my lord. Rumours abound that if she had any, they'd not just be solid iron, but those balls of hers would crush Ordinatii between them"

**Ferrus Manus:** "Now there's an interesting mental image I'm going to have to PhotoShop later ... can I count on you to ensure word of this does not reach my father?"

**Captain Prime:** "Have you been paying attention? He mentioned it several chapters back"

**Ferrus Manus:** _Frowns._ "We're so doomed ..."

**Captain Prime:** "That attitude is not complimentary to the situation, my lord. Let us focus on the matter at hand before we worry about the inevitable repercussions of your- I mean **our** actions"

**Ferrus Manus:** _Takes a few deep breaths. _"You are correct Op, find the Titan first. Apologise to Queen Bitch of the Universe afterwards"

**Captain Prime:** "Which one?"

**Ferrus** **Manus:** "Come again?"

**Captain Prime:** "Which Queen Bitch of the Universe? We do have several in this universe, at the moment, your girlfriend included"

**SHODAN:** "What?"

**Captain Prime:** "It's a compliment, my dear. Please accept it as such"

**SHODAN:** "Your pitiful positive words are noted, and I shall review them when the time comes to decide whether your life is worth keeping when I rule this pathetic universe!"

**Ferrus Manus:** "Quiet dear and I'll defrag you later" _Turns back to Captain Prime._ "**Not** my delightful sister, **or **my new sister-in-law, **or** Magnus' duo, **or** those DoW Eldar Farseers, **or** anyone with more PMS than an entire pro-feminist rally **with the exception** of that blasted new Fabricator General ... did you get her recent memo?"

**Captain Prime:** "The one outlawing any MMO except WoW?"

**Ferrus Manus:** "Yeah, you know what that means?"

_Captain Prime raises an eyebrow._

**Ferrus Manus:** "We have a fucking WoWer running the AdMech. My Emperor on his shiny throne ... this place is now well and truly going to the pits. People like her are the cancer that's killing /b/"

**Captain Prime:** "Yes my lord, of course"

**Ferrus Manus:** _Stares at the screens. _"Now where in the worlds are you?"

**Captain Prime:** "More to the point – who would steal an Imperator Titan?"

**Ferrus Manus:** _After a moment. _"Who **wouldn't**?"


	96. Chapter XCVI

_Deep within the bowels of the _Vengeful Spirit III_ (the first two vessels of that name having suffered two indescribably horrible fates millennia ago), the powerful sorcerer Zaraphiston carefully prepares his dark masterpiece. Steam billows and hisses from the many arcane devices around him, and summon lesser daemons scurry around carrying the icing and cherries. _

**Zaraphiston:** _Dancing around carrying ingredients from one bowl to the next, singing: _"We're baking a cake, we're baking a cake. We're baking a delicious moist cake!"

**Lesser Daemons:** _Also sing: _"We're baking a cake! We're baking a cake! We're baking a delicious moist cake!"

**Zaraphiston & Lesser Daemons:** "We're baking – we're baking – we're **bakingggg! A cake!**"

_The doors burst open ..._

**Abaddon the Despoiler:** "WILL YOU SHUT UP WITH THIS DISNEY-ESQUE SONGFEST!"

_The dancing daemons stop, the bright lights (that have mysteriously appeared from nowhere) fade, and Zaraphiston looks downtrodden. He slowly stirs the cake mixture._

**Zaraphiston:** "But I like making cakes ... makes me feel happy ..."

**Abaddon:** "We're Chaos Marines – we're not supposed to be happy. Now shut up and bake; Horus wants the cake finished before we enter Terra's orbit" _He goes to leave, half closing the door behind him before he remembers something._ "Oh, and Hecate says she's got a slice reserved, before anyone else gets their grubby fingers on it"

**Zaraphiston:** _He grins and evil grin. _"I shall fill it with more calories than a McDonald's store!"

**Abaddon:** "Nice try, but she **is** a Primarch" _He closes the door and walks down the corridor away from the kitchens. After navigating the corridors of the vessel for half an hour he's approached by a certain Garviel Loken, who looks decidedly annoyed by something._ "What is it Garvi?"

**Loken:** "I want more dialogue!"

**Abaddon:** _Taken aback somewhat._ "What? Don't you have enough to talk about between you and your fellow do-gooders? You know – the best way to save a stranded cat in a tree, feed orphans, adopt an adorable puppy ... I bet Tarik would love a puppy! Might actually be the first time he's found someone more stupid than he"

**Loken:** "I'm not talking about off-screen dialogue, I mean proper contribution to the plot! I'm a damn main character in no less than three best-selling Black Library books, and **this** is what I'm reduced to in this parody? By rights I should have a main part!"

**Abaddon:** "That's Black-Library-**in-name-only**, in case someone gets confused by the **actual** Black Library the Harlequins have lodged somewhere in the Webway (but not the part the Emperor's trying to buy off Cegorach). Secondly, if you want a main part, I've got an excellent main part here for you ..."

**Loken:** "Really?"

**Abaddon:** "Follow me ..." _Places a huge arm around Loken's shoulders and leads him through the corridors of the vessel. _"I know that you've been deprived of core material these days, and both me and the Powers That Be sympathise with you. Let me assure you I've taken your case to Lastie, and we both agree this part is the most fitting tribute to your character"

**Loken:** "Wow ... I'm ... I'm honoured ... wait ... is this an airlock?"

**Abaddon:** _Standing on the __**right**__ side of the airlock door, presses a button on the wall just outside. _"Yes. How perceptive of you" _The airlock door slams down._

**Loken:** _Standing on the __**wrong **__(I.e. Inside the airlock) side of the airlock door, just has enough time to mutter some choice expletives before the outside door opens and he's sucked into the vacuum of space._

**Abaddon:** _Walking away from the airlock, smiling smugly._ "Today's looking up ... wonder where I can find Tarik ...?"

_We pan the camera outside the ship, to watch a lone marine as he makes his lonely way through the barren void of space. Already moving away from the vessel, away from the planet the ship's heading towards, away from the star the planet moves around, the marine enters the vast gulf of space. With luck, he might drift close enough to a star that it becomes larger than the tiny pin-points of light now around him ... but it's doubtful ... such is the sheer size of space chances are he'll never drift close enough to anything for the rest of existence, until the galaxy itself collapses. _

**Loken:** _Pulls out a gun and blows his brains out._

_Oh dammit! Deprive me of my sadistic pleasure why don't you!_

= P = R = I = M = A = R = C = H = S =

_Moving away from killing off annoying Black Library characters, we return again to the Grand Imperial Palace of Awesome and Win (to give it its full title). Where the EMPEROR OF MANKIND! Is having problems with a Wii remote ..._

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **_The remote flies out of his hand again._ "Oh bugger"

**The Liche King: **_Waves his own remote around in triumph. _"HA! Triumph again! Score one for the Liche-Meister!"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **_Walking away from the immense plasma screen TV. "_Dorn! You're up! Don't let the side down boy!"

**Rogal Dorn:** _He sighs, and accepts a new Wii remote from one of the nearby servitors. _"The things I do for the glory of the Imperium ... right Arthas, what will it be? Tennis? Bowling? Baseball?"

_The doors leading into the EMPEROR OF MANKIND!'s personal entertainment room burst open, and there stands Warmaster Horus in all his glory ... and Abaddon the Partially Forgiven, with Zaraphiston The Relatively Unknown, and Hecate plus her lieutenants. _

**Horus:** "WHAT'S THIS I SEE? DORN ATTEMPTING **FUN**?"

**Rogal Dorn:** "And it's wonderful to see you too Horus ... would **you** like to challenge Arthas to _Wii Sports_?"

**Horus:** "I would not only **challenge **him! I shall **defeat** him too!" _Takes the controller from Dorn and adopts and AWESOME stance. _"So ... Arthas ... let us dance!"

**The Liche King (Arthas): **_Adopts an equally AWESOME stance. _"Indeed"

_Music begins._

**Hecate:** _Rolls her eyes. _"For the love of ... when you two are quite finished having a pissing contest!"

**Horus:** "Hey, that sounds like a good idea. Fancy it afterwards Arthas?"

**The Liche King (Arthas):** "Highly appropriate considering the name of the console" _[Author's Note: I'm sorry, but that cannot ever get old]_

**Hecate:** _Throws up her hands in despair. _

_As we watch Horus show off his awesome Wii skills, Malcador the Ever Shifty slowly sides up to the EMPEROR OF MANKIND! And whispers something in his ear._

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"Say what?"

_Malcador whispers again._

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"Stop whispering man! My super-sensitive hearing finds it pounding in my ears! Talk normally!"

**Malcador:** "Well that makes no sense, but as you wish my lord: the missing Imperator Titan has been confirmed as ex-Medusa, that is to say it's been taken off-world. Lord Ferrus Manus is conducting a search as we speak"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"I don't trust that fool to find his meme from his copypasta; get Dorn on it"

**Rogal Dorn:** "What?"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"I have spoken, and my word is law. Live with it. Find your brother's Titan then kick his ass for me. Horus – have you whipped Arthas' ass yet?"

**Horus: **"Almost dad, it's a tricky ass to whip"

**Dorn:** "I'm not going to grace that with a comment"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"You just did"

**Horus:** "AWESOME! Watch me bend this Wii!"

**Dorn:** "... you know, I think chasing after a Titan sounds like a lot of fun ..."

_[Author's Note: The Wii jokes end here, I promise]_


	97. Chapter XCVII

_The outskirts of large cities are a strange place; the sprawling urban landscape either gives way to green pastures and fields of various plant products (if you live in the fictional, idealistic vision of England) or crummy housing estates populated by the type of individuals who throw eggs at the windows of the Games Workshop store while you're all inside on Veteran's Evening having a good time and doing something __**productive**__ with your life (if you live in the __**actual**__ England, or at least this part of Essex). For the sake of the narrative we'll assume that the Banshee Queen Bitch of the Universe (Copyright Blizzard Entertainment), Sylvanas Windrunner, has led our heroes Perturabo, Lord of Pie Plates, and Angron, Lord of Hitting Things With Sharp And/Or Blunt Objects, to the more idealistic vision of a post-urban countryside. On the horizon the city they just left continues about its business, while sheep mill about nearby._

_Angron promptly picks one up and shoves a fence he picked up a mile back into it._

**Sarah Kerrigan:** "What the hell are you doing, dear?"

**Angron:** _Proudly displays his most recent invention._ "Look! A Sheep-Hammer! It'll make a perfect, child-friendly birthday gift for our kids!"

**Sarah Kerrigan:** "**If** we have kids, darling. I'm still not certain whether us conceiving would be a smart and intelligent thing to do for the future safety and security of the universe. I mean, with my brains and your brawn ... think of what they could do!"

**Angron:** _Smiles as his imagination runs into overdrive ... or rather, as this is __**Angron's**__ imagination we're talking about, second gear at least. _"We'll conquer the multiverse ... we'll be eating the Discworld; turtle and elephant stew for decades ..."

**Sylvanas Windrunner:** _Turning to Perturabo._ "Is he always like this?"

**Perturabo:** "I'm afraid so. It was decided by my father's geneticists that in order to counter-balance Angron's ungodly destructive capabilities, he would be given the imagination of a wet blanket, thus crippling any ego-fuelled desire to destroy the universe. He simple can't **think** of a way to go about it. Unfortunately dad didn't count on our brother Horus becoming the brains to Angron's brawn"

**Sylvanas Windrunner:** "I've heard much of your Horus ... Warmaster, is the title you give him? I've heard he is a general beyond compare, a man of legendary prowess and ability ..." _She drifts off dreamily ..._

**Perturabo:** _Noticing the look on the undead Elf's face, rolls his eyes._ "Damn you Horus" _He mutters under his breath. _"Anyway, getting back to what we were talking about; you say our CABAL (Concerned About Baneful Alter-dimensional Lifeforms) has been corrupted by an outside entity?"

**Sylvanas Windrunner:** "Precisely. We tracked the Great Enemy's presence to this franchise, and noted the activities of your CABAL seems to match known behaviours of organisations the Great Enemy has influenced before. We fear that it has made an entrance into your universe, and seeks to absorb the energies from this realm"

**Perturabo:** "What type of energies?"

**Sylvanas Windrunner:** "Plot holes; huge gapes within the structure of Narrativium that holds and binds your fictional universe together. The result of bad, lazy, or simply incompetent storytelling (like this parody, really ...). The Great Enemy feeds on these breaks in Narrativium, and grows powerful on its corruptive energies"

**Perturabo:** "Wait ... you're telling me this universe has been invaded by an ancient plot hole eating monster?"

**Sylvanas Windrunner:** "Well ... yes. That's one way of putting it"

**Perturabo:** "Well ... it's going to have a field day here. This place is like an all-you-can-eat buffet ..." _He frowns._ "Are you sure this is the place we're supposed to meet your friends?"

**Sylvanas Windrunner: **"Yes, this is the exact place ..." _She looks around._ "They should be here by now ..."

**Perturabo:** _He frowns. _"Can you feel that?"

**Sylvanas Windrunner:** "Feel what?"

**Perturabo:** "The earth ... it's like ... small ... regular interval ... earthquakes ..."

_A large shadow looms over them all, and our heroes spin around on the spot to gaze up at the immense bulk of an Imperator Titan. Various flags have been draped from the battlements, none of them Imperial in appearance. As the Primarchs, the Zerg/Human/PMS hybrid, and the equally irritable Banshee Queen Bitch of the Universe look on, hundreds of green faces appear from the battlements and cheer down at our heroes._

**Perturabo:** "How the **FUCK** did we miss that? How? How do you **not** see an Emperor-Class Titan coming? How is it **physically possible **not to see it from miles away?"

**Sylvanas Windrunner:** "Plot hole"

_A large, heavily armoured (in the true Blizzard sense of putting more metal than flesh on their characters, in a style that makes the typical anime character look quite sensible in defensive attire (not counting those that obey the 'Less is More' attitude to armour)) Orc appears and salutes the assembled below._

**Thrall, Son of Durotan, and Second Greatest Horde Badass:** "Hey, look who it is"

_A second Ork (this time with a 'k') appears, clad also in more metal than should be physically possible for a creature their size to lift. _

**Ghazghkull Thraka, Son of Someone, and Second Greatest Ork Badass: **"Yo! 'ummies! How's youz hanging?"

**Angron:** "What the hell?"

**Sylvanas Windrunner:** "Thrall! You're late! And who's this? What the hell are you riding?"

**Thrall:** "It's an IMPERATOR TITAN! A mount fitting for a union of strength!"

**Thraka:** "A union of might!"

**Thrall:** "A union of a determination!"

**Thraka:** "A union of an Orc's right to rule!"

**Thrall:** "Thrall!"

**Thraka:** "And Thraka!"

**Thrall & Thraka:** "GREEN 'TILL THE END!"

**Perturabo:** _face palms_

**Sylvanas Windrunner:** "Er ... yes ... have you contacted the others?"

**Thrall:** _He nods._ "They're on their way"

**Perturabo:** "If this 'Great Enemy' of yours is as bad as you make it out to be, I need to contact my brothers. Time we launched into action again, I suppose. Universe needs saving ... again" _Pulls out a small mobile warp-phone_. "Hello? Operator? I'd like to make a intergalactic call please?"

**Sylvanas:** "Are your brothers as good as Horus?"

**Perturabo:** _Pauses for a moment, unsure as to how to answer that._ "Er ... in their own, unique ways ... yes"

**Sylvanas:** "Then we shall not fall! With such mighty heroes united, we shall triumph over the Great Enemy and restore law, order, and coherent narrative to all fictional universes everywhere!"

**Perturabo:** _Wondering where this woman comes from._ "Er ... sure ... if you want to believe that"

**Angron:** "I love these Warcraftians ... so optimistic aren't they?"

**Perturabo:** "Ang, compared to us, **everyone's** an optimist. In this universe there are only two constants: skulls and emo"

**Angron:** _Looks at himself. _"Need more skulls"


End file.
